# My mother



## Kelcat (Apr 20, 2008)

A week ago my mother was murdered. 
Why on earth would I write this on a motorhome forum? I can't say. But during the last two years MHF has been just that - a community, something that has made me laugh & cry, somewhere I've found help & support. 
I would have said that we weren't close - yet this has left me so sad & bewildered, as a family we will now always be left with so many unanswered questions, so many missed opportunities. 
I know by posting this I will get a lot of messages of condolence & support - & these are a blessing - thank you. But what I'd really like to say is - if you have loved ones, or family you haven't seen for a while - call them up, however awkward you think it might be, however much you think they should be the one's to call. There might just come a day when you can't & it will haunt you forever.


----------



## dawnwynne (Nov 14, 2009)

OMG I'm sorry sorry to hear that Kelcat! I can't begin to try to understand what you must be thinking and going through at this time.

My thoughts are with you at this time.


----------



## greenasthegrass (Oct 27, 2007)

How terrible Kelcat - so sorry for you!

Was it on the news? 


Greeny 8O


----------



## neilmac (Dec 31, 2008)

Really don't quite know what to say except, obviously, sincerest condolences.

I hope that readers of this post will take heed of your wise words - there is no going back.


----------



## skydiver (Jan 12, 2010)

So sorry to hear about your mum. Why do so few b*****ds create so much pain to the majority? I wish capital punishment was bought back for these oxygen theives.


----------



## tinkering (Dec 8, 2007)

OUCH that hit a very old nerve Kelcat..

Years ago I had a argument with my father and stepmother... and did not stay in touch with him..I never saw or spoke to him again.

So sorry to hear of your loss.

Les


----------



## Kelcat (Apr 20, 2008)

Greenie - I can't & won't give any details. It has been all over my families local press & the internet, and trust me it really hasn't been nice. Our press are scum. Someone has been charged & I just don't know what could or should be said.


----------



## lalala (Aug 13, 2009)

Hello Kelcat
That is absolutely shocking news. Your whole family must be in a state of bewilderment. You are so right in what you say about keeping in touch, a salutary lesson for all of us.
With sympathy
lala


----------



## greenasthegrass (Oct 27, 2007)

Sorry Kelcat was meaning was it quiet or in the news as I appreciate it would be terrible for you and your family.

Could never imagine what it could feel like.

Greenie


----------



## PAT4NEIL (Jul 21, 2007)

Families can be complicated, and no one can understand fully from the outside what goes on. Dont feel bad, its also okay to feel mixed and confused feelings.

Kind regards
Pat


----------



## georgiemac (Oct 22, 2007)

You are so so right - sometimes it takes a tragedy for us to realise what we have really got in life. You sound so brave - I sincerely hope that you somehow get the strength to get through this awful time. This week I have been on the other side of the coin - A person I have worked with for ten years has been arrested for killing his wife, whom I knew as well - the shock has left me reeling - I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel. My thoughts are with you and your family xx


----------



## Invicta (Feb 9, 2006)

So sorry to read of your loss Kelcat.

I was in a not too dissimilar position with my late father. It was a very complicated situation that followed, though not immediately, the death through cancer of my mother at the age of 70 years. My father was 74 at the time of my mother's death and lived until he was 97. However much I and other members of my family tried, he did not want to re-establish contact with me however two of my three daughters did visit him.

One good thing though was that my brother, who was also not speaking to me in loyalty to our father I felt, did establish contact with me. He did this on the day of my husband's funeral which was four months before our father died.

We now have a very good relationship, in fact I would go so far as to say it is the best it has ever been, for which I am very thankful.


----------



## Penquin (Oct 15, 2007)

I am sure that your wise words will be taken to heart by a great number of readers - you are echoing thoughts made elsewhere about living for today.

I doubt that there can be very many people, thankfully, who can have been through what you are going through. I know no details and am not seeking to know any details of what happened. BUT the very use of the word "murder" is enough to make all of us feel very unhappy and at the same time very vulnerable.

Sadly we all become blase about the horrible things we see and hear on the news or in the newspapers. It is all to easy to put it out of our thoughts as the events portrayed do not directly affect our lives. But your thoughts strike a chord with all of us about the importance of not allowing minor disputes to develop into situations where communications have ceased. We only have one life, this is it and we must live it to the full, it is not a rehearsal for the real event to come later.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts - they are words based on experience and as such extremely relevant.

Dave


----------



## xgx (Oct 14, 2005)

Heartfelt condolences

Any loss is hard to bear, an untimely one much more so...

There will always be the 'I wish I'd done/said ....' thoughts, they happen to everyone regardless of the circumstances...

be gentle with yourself :wink:


----------



## DABurleigh (May 9, 2005)

I feel for you and your family, Kelcat. That must be dreadful. And wise words, but it is also wise not to beat yourself up over it. There is nothing wrong with dealing daily with the priorities of life expecting that the world tomorrow will be similar to today. How could you have expected this to happen?

Dave


----------



## locovan (Oct 17, 2007)

Kelkat It is hard to come to terms with such a death--I have been through it when my daughter was killed at 16 so I know what the shock is of a sudden death by the hand of someone else.
I know about Reporters chasing for the details.
That time passes and you will have peace again.

I agree you should talk to your family but it isn't always that easy.
Life gets complicated and we do fall out with friend's and family at times.

So "pick yourself up and dust yourself down and start all over again" and just give your family a lovely hug.
Thinking of you. :wink:


----------



## MrsW (Feb 8, 2009)

Thinking of you and your family Kelcat. What a terrible shock for you all. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## Sonesta (May 10, 2005)

Kelcat I am so sorry to read of this terrible tragedy in your life and a sudden death in the family is a shock and a life changer for anyone but to have this happen due to the evil behaviour of another, must be the most difficult and most heart breaking event anyone can ever encounter. You must be feeling so confused right now and dealing with both your grief and your anger must be having quite a devastating effect on your emotions and thoughts? How does one grieve properly when they are consumed with so much anger and bitterness towards the person who has taken their loved ones life so cruelly and I can only imagine the devastating effect this must be having on yourself and your family's whole life?

Try not to beat yourself up over any regrets you may have regarding your relationship with your mother, as life is NOT always perfect or harmonious for any family and a lot of families would not be able to compare themselves to the "Waltons" that's for sure! 

Your mum would NOT want you to feel consumed with guilt or regrets and no matter how little time you may have spent together and for whatever reason, your mum will know, that despite everything you did love her very much and you would never have wanted any harm to befall her!

When unexpectedly, I lost my dear, sweet Mum I felt terrible that I was not by her side when she passed away and I felt that by not being there to hold her hand, that I had let her down in some way! I felt quite strongly that I needed to say goodbye and tell her just how much I loved and appreciated her. I suppose I just wanted one last chance to tell her all these things? 

My best friend suggested I write my mum a letter as she felt that would help me to get my feelings out! I took her advice and did as my friend suggested and I wrote my dear mum a letter and said all the things I needed and wanted to say to her and at mum's funeral, despite my shaking hands and trembling knees, I stood up in the church and read my letter out and I could imagine my mum listening to my every word! I am not suggesting you stand up in church or anything like that, as that is not something a lot of people feel they could do but I would suggest you write your mum a letter and when you have finished it, you can either put it away in a drawer or even in her coffin if she is still in the chapel of rest. 
I am sure like myself, you will feel as you write your letter to your mum, like you have enjoyed a very intimate and special moment with her and after I had written it, I felt like an enormous dark rain cloud had passed over me to reveal a ***** of blue sky!

Love and hugs.

Sue xxx


----------



## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

Kelcat,

I've PMd you, just in case you're not notified.

Dougie.


----------



## HarleyDave (Jul 1, 2007)

Thinking of you at this sad time Kelcat (with tears in my eyes)

I find it reassuring that you are able to post such a personal message on this forum.

We should all take heart from that I feel.

Kind Regards

Dave


----------



## zulurita (May 9, 2005)

So sorry to read of your loss Kelcat.

Thinking of you at this time.


----------



## StephandJohn (Sep 3, 2007)

So sorry Kelcat but glad you've posted here. I do hope our thoughts are some sort of comfort to you


----------



## cypsygal (Dec 19, 2009)

Kelcat - sorry to hear about this traumatic event in your family. Hindsight is a marvellous thing, but we can't live our lives making sure that everything we do ensures we have no regrets, we'd never have time to live. Families have ups and downs, it's just the way it is. I send you the serenity prayer - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Best Wishes


----------



## barryd (May 9, 2008)

Really sorry Kelcat, its an awful tragedy for you and your family. Its not really strange by the way to post it on here. Its a good idea in fact as I am sure you have many friends on here and it may help you. 

Sincere Condolences
Barry


----------



## erneboy (Feb 8, 2007)

Kelvin, I am shocked and very sorry for your loss. Along many with others I am glad you posted here so that we could express our feelings. I think you have many friends on MHF all of us wish you and your family well at such a difficult time, Alan.


----------



## KeiththeBigUn (Oct 3, 2007)

Kelcat, I am so sorry to read your post, our condolences to you and you family.


Keith and Ros


----------



## barryd (May 9, 2008)

erneboy said:


> Kelvin, I am shocked and very sorry for your loss. Along many with others I am glad you posted here so that we could express our feelings. I think you have many friends on MHF all of us wish you and your family well at such a difficult time, Alan.


I agree, we might have a right old go at each other and there are some really heated debates on here but it is like a real community and people will quickly rally round when members suffer such and awful loss as this.


----------



## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

I am very upset to read that and I hope you can slowly squash out the bad memories and have nothing left but good memories.

I too realised how lucky I was with both my parents to say what i wanted to say before they died. My regret is that i did not say it on a weekly or even daily basis. 

Assuming your family know you love them is simply not good enough. Shout it at them if necessary.


----------



## JockandRita (Jun 1, 2005)

Kelcat said:


> A week ago my mother was murdered.
> Why on earth would I write this on a motorhome forum? I can't say. But during the last two years MHF has been just that - a community, something that has made me laugh & cry, somewhere I've found help & support.
> I would have said that we weren't close - yet this has left me so sad & bewildered, as a family we will now always be left with so many unanswered questions, so many missed opportunities.
> I know by posting this I will get a lot of messages of condolence & support - & these are a blessing - thank you. But what I'd really like to say is - if you have loved ones, or family you haven't seen for a while - call them up, however awkward you think it might be, however much you think they should be the one's to call. There might just come a day when you can't & it will haunt you forever.


Hi Kelcat,

I cannot begin to wonder what must be going through your mind, and that of other members of your family.
The passing away of a loved one is painful enough, but to have that life wiped out by some else, must be awful to deal with.
It is sad that you feel the way you do, but none of it was your doing nor of any one else in the family.

Try to be positive, perhaps concentrating on making sure that justice is properly done in the name of your dear mother.................but try not to let it consume you, with too much anger in the process.

Condolences, and kindest regards,

Jock.


----------



## teemyob (Nov 22, 2005)

*Kelcat*

Kelcat,

It was from this forum I gained a lot when I lost my Dad.

Still trying to uncover what blunders went on prior to his sudden death.

And I do fully understand your thoughts, certainly those you posted.

Regards,
TM


----------



## Suenliam (Mar 22, 2006)

So sorry to read of your loss in such a way and kind of you to invite others to avoid part of the sorrow you are feeling now by re-establishing lost or fragile relationships. 

Sue


----------



## carolgavin (May 9, 2005)

So sorry for your loss, thinking of you and yours now and in the coming days.


----------



## patnles (Oct 26, 2006)

What a horrible thing to happen, you must be devastated beyond belief. Our thoughts are with you and your family at this very difficult and sad time.


----------



## SaddleTramp (Feb 15, 2007)

Kelcat, I cannot even begin to think what you are going through, Oh I know what it is like to lose a Mother and aslo a Father but when they have lived a life and pass away in natural causes it is "Acceptable" we all know it is going to happen, But to have one stolen from you I cannot begin to either understand nor imagine it.

You have my deepest deepest condolences.


I have absolutely no respect for the press as I have stated in other posts and I know what they can print.


----------



## mygalnme (Jul 12, 2009)

Our sincere condolences to you and your family at this terrible time.
Margaret and Tony


----------



## annetony (May 1, 2005)

So sorry to hear about your loss, words fail me and nothing I can say will ease the pain you and your family are going through

We both send our sincere condolences to you and your family, just keep your chin up and take care

Anne and Tony


----------



## Kelcat (Apr 20, 2008)

So many kind words, thank you all. I've tried to click the thanks box for everyone, but if I have missed someone it is by accident & your thoughts have helped.

My mothers husband has now been charged - this is of course scant consolation - but hopefully it will begin the long road to acceptance of these events. I am so so grateful to the police officers who have handled this with sensitivity - many working through their days off - & some extraordinary hours. 

Once again, thank you all.


----------



## Otto-de-froste (May 20, 2005)

Hello Kelcat

Our thoughts and prayers are with you

You have my deepest admiration for sharing this news, and for thinking of others when you are suffering yourself


With kindest regards

Paul


----------



## teemyob (Nov 22, 2005)

*Kelcat*

You are more than welcome. If you need any help or support, I am sure with such a diverse and broad selection of members here, one of more of us can help you if you should need it.

Our thoughts are with you, sincerely.

TM


----------



## DTPCHEMICALS (Jul 24, 2006)

You have our deepest sympathies.
You must feel that your world has ended, it should happen to other famillies not our own.
Our son was killed trying to prevent a murder five and a half years ago.
His killer is my nephew who`s parents, my brother and his wife and my parents live two and four doors from me.
They believed that I should visit my nephew to see how poorly he was.
He has never been charged with the offence of killing two young men.
Now we do not speak to them at all, it really hurts after all we lived as a close familly for 25 years.

I hope that at some point you can come to terms with the situation but it will be long and hard.
The worst thing is not having said good bye.

Our thoughts are with you.
Sorry to ramble on.
Dave and Margaret


----------



## Motorhomersimpson (May 9, 2005)

Otto-de-froste said:


> Hello Kelcat You have my deepest admiration for sharing this news, and for thinking of others when you are suffering yourself


I would second that Otto, it's not easy talking about personal tragedies.

Kelcat you are doing the right thing in my opinion, talking about it to people who are not connected personally. Of course we are emotionally connected by your presence here with us all and long may that continue.

I firmly believe it will help to get it out in the open and off your chest, time will heal the sorrow slightly, but the memories of your mother will last forever.

My sympathy goes to all your family at this terrible time.

Regards

Rob


----------



## Rapide561 (Oct 1, 2005)

*Kelkat*

Hello

You are correct, Kelkat, a community here, through the ups and downs. Be brave and strong, and march on, hard it is, I know.

Our thoughts are with you.

Russell


----------



## DTPCHEMICALS (Jul 24, 2006)

Death is nothing at all 

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you,
whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone,
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow,
laugh as we always laughed 
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Pray smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort,
without the trace of a shadow in it.
Life means all that it ever meant,
it is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity,
why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you
somewhere very near
just around the corner.
All is well.


Henry Scott Holland 1847-1918
Canon of St Paul's Cathedral


Dave p


----------



## peaky (Jul 15, 2009)

kelcat, i am ver sorry to hear ofur sudden loss, i know what u will be going through but brave the tough times ahead, they can hit at any time in the coming months, a sunny day a news event etc, im in a privaledged position as my mum has been given a few months to live, i am fling home to see her on a regular basis, to be with her and have the opportunity to say all those things to her gathered over a lifetime and to laugh over memories... god bless u mum...


----------



## Kelcat (Apr 20, 2008)

Thank you everyone. 
I've sat down to post a reply many times over the last week - but the words don't come. We all know our family & friends will care & support us though hard times - but to know that relative strangers (albeit to differing degrees) can extend such kind thoughts & compassion, has been & is of huge comfort to not just me, but also my family, at this awful time. 

I went with the police to get some of mum's personal effects on Wednesday. To stand at the last place my mum was alive was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Whilst we were never an expressive family I was literally floored by the memento's my mum had kept of us, every Mother's Day card, our first written words & album after album of pictures I've never seen. 
I'm not sure any of us will ever make sense of what has happened or cast aside our regrets, but slowly there is a returning of the knowledge our mum loved us & knew we loved her. 
We now have to wait until we can get her back & plan a funeral. The trial and any final outcome will be months hence. 

To all of you who have been in touch or posted here, once again - many many thanks, 
K&C


----------



## teemyob (Nov 22, 2005)

*Mum*

"To stand at the last place my mum was alive was one of the hardest things I have ever done."

I cannot even begin to imagine, don't want to.

The Mementos must be something else.

my sincere sympathies

TM


----------



## erneboy (Feb 8, 2007)

Good luck to you and your family Kelvin, try to dwell on the good times, Alan.


----------



## dawnwynne (Nov 14, 2009)

Kelvin, I can not imagine how you must be feeling! My thoughts are with you and your family at this time.

Best wishes
Dawn


----------



## SilverF1 (Feb 27, 2009)

There's never a good time to lose your mother and worse gien the circumstances. Hold on to the good memories of the past and let go, when you can, of the recent ones.

Best Wishes.


----------



## locovan (Oct 17, 2007)

Im so glad you are getting through each thing with calmness.
You will have to wait to know the whole story but each day you will be able to know a little bit more.
To realise she had saved memories of you is lovely and will be the turning point for your own happy memories to return.
One step at a time, planning the funeral is next-- you will have time to tell your Mum how you feel--we are all by your side.


----------



## skydiver (Jan 12, 2010)

Hi Kelvin im really sorry about your Mum,ive never loss a loveone due to a evil crime so i dont know how you really feel. I cant understand how antone can do such evil things and never will. Asfore the press they are a law unto themselves especially the tabloids,all they are good for is chip paper. Take care and we are all thinking of you and your family. Vince


----------



## Kelcat (Apr 20, 2008)

Thank you all for the PM's & posts - thanks also for the Jokes & the banter which have lifted my spirits. 
The police released my mum's body back to us today so we now know we can have the funeral on the 17th, strangley the amount of time has allowed us to grieve & now plan a 'positive' day, albeit also a sad one.
I've put together many of the photo's & memento's we found to project at the wake & my brother, sister & I intend to read the eulogy together - something we think mum would have liked. 
I've read before of events such us this tragedy "destroying" a family - with us it has rebuilt bonds that have been stretched & strained - we've found comfort & sollace in each others company - & we're even planning a family holiday - I hope this is mum's lasting legacy.

Trial dates have been set for July - & I'm sure we have much upset ahead - but I feel we've begun to heal. I started this post by saying keep in touch with your loved ones - & I'd like to say it again because it's been the one good thing to come of this; it will always be easier to be the one to call than to live with not being able to.


----------



## Penquin (Oct 15, 2007)

Thank you for such a dignified update, we are all thinking of you and will be particularly on the 17th - never an easy time.

Dave


----------



## Hezbez (Feb 7, 2009)

It's good to hear from you again Kelcat.
It sounds like you're going to do your mum proud.

I cannot imagine (thank God) what you've gone through up until now, and there is still along road in front of you.

What is it they say - 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'

I hope you take some comfort in knowing your MHF cyber friends are thinking of you and wishing you the very best.

Take care and stay strong.


----------



## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

Your update is so honest, and one which I find quite moving. Despite the ongoing suffering, you've seemed to have been able to rise above it and see how it has affected you and the other members of your family in a positive way. That's why I also think that it will be your mum's legacy, as you've recognised.

Another week will also help you be even more focussed on the event to come, which I hope will be a celebration of your mum's life.

Dougie.


----------



## geraldandannie (Jun 4, 2006)

Hi Kelcat

Sorry, I've missed this thread up to now, and just wanted to say how shocked I was to read your first post, and to offer my condolences.



Kelcat said:


> I've read before of events such us this tragedy "destroying" a family - with us it has rebuilt bonds that have been stretched & strained - we've found comfort & sollace in each others company - & we're even planning a family holiday - I hope this is mum's lasting legacy.


Although our mother died in less horrific circumstances, the funeral brought my 2 brothers and 2 cousins together, and now each year we all meet up with families and extended families, and we have a really good time. The people who linked all parts of the family are now all gone, but we make damned sure we have a good time, as they would have wished.

Gerald


----------



## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

I, too, have missed this thread and would like to add my sincere condolences for your loss Kelvin.

Your bravery shines through your posts and I am sure your mum would be very proud of you.

Use this forum, if it helps, to off load all your feelings. Tell us of your relationship with your mum and all the good and bad times you had together.

To be thinking of us and advising us to get closer to our loved ones is truly moving. Thank You.

Thinking of you.

Pat


----------



## locovan (Oct 17, 2007)

Kelvin you sound so much calmer now and more focused.
Im so happy for you, that so much good has come out of the bad and you will now go forward with the love of your family, this will create a bond and you will be able to stand stronger in the months to come.

Time
Time is too slow for those who wait
Too swift for those who fear
Too long for those who grieve
Too short for those who rejoice
But, for those who love –
Time is eternity.


----------



## mygalnme (Jul 12, 2009)

Kelvin How nice to know your family have pulled together once more, we know what it is like to be estranged,but happily a unit once more and it will be a lovely memorial to your Mother, stay strong our thoughts are with you,
Margaret


----------



## Kelcat (Apr 20, 2008)

I've just re-read all the kind posts on here - many still bring a tear to my eye. 
After a long family holiday my brother & I are now in the process of trying to make something more positive & lasting come out of this tragedy. 
For any of you kind people who would like to help - please take the time to look at :

In Memory of our Mum

If you feel it is appropriate we'd be grateful for you passing the details on (or just giving us the odd bump! ) - I'll be keeping MHF updated for those who have been kind enough to be in touch,

thanks,

Kelvyn


----------



## ChrisandJohn (Feb 3, 2008)

I've just donated, Kelvyn. It was an excellent choice of charity to support in memory of your Mum. 

I was involved in the early days of Women's Aid and helped set up and run a refuge in the London borough I was living in. I'm really sorry your Mum didn't benefit from the support they can provide.

Best wishes to you and your family

Chris


----------



## Suenliam (Mar 22, 2006)

I'm sorry it's for such a sad reason, but I am pleased to have donated to such a good cause. 

All the best with the running

Sue


----------



## dawnwynne (Nov 14, 2009)

I've just donated as well. Not much since I donate to several charities...but a very worthwhile cause.

All the best with the marathon.


----------



## ChrisandJohn (Feb 3, 2008)

Time for a bump.


----------



## Kelcat (Apr 20, 2008)

Hi Everyone, 
I've been absent for a while - took some time - used the van! & got my head together. Thank you for the PM's donations & messages of encouragement. 
The trial has now been set for July 19th - whilst this will be unpleasant it's the last 'hurdle' & hopefully will bring closure. My brother & I can then concentrate on the fund raising - prior to the trial the CPS were/are genuinely concerned that we'll "garner sympathy" and may affect an outcome! 
Having re-read this post I'm still overwhelmed by the kind thoughts and words - they were & are of great comfort. 
I'd like to ask the mods to close this thread - & I'll put future updates on the charity post at 
In Memory of Mum

Thanks 
Kelvyn


----------



## Kelcat (Apr 20, 2008)

*Verdict*

Hi All,
I've just been sending 'Thank You's' for donations & realised that I'd never actually put the outcome of the trial on here.

On July 27th my Mum's husband was found guilty of her murder. The jury took 75 minutes (including the lunch break) to return a unanimous verdict. In his sentencing the judge particularly pointed to the fact that he had lied (changed his story every day of the trial), shown no remorse (I don't think he ever said my Mums name) & took into account the horrific nature of her injuries. He was sentenced to life with no chance of parole for a minimum of 23 years, unusually he was also made to pay the prosecution costs due to the lies he told.

For my family & I this has been an emotional rollercoaster - sitting in the court we heard things that no-one should ever here, I even felt sorry for the juror's.

It doesn't bring Mum back, but it does restore a little faith in the system. The Police, CPS & Judge were all professional, respectful and very keen to ensure the right result.


----------



## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

Kelcat said:


> I'd like to ask the mods to close this thread - & I'll put future updates on the charity post at
> In Memory of Mum
> Thanks
> Kelvyn


Thread closed as requested.

Zeb.


----------

