# Want a quickie.



## rayrecrok

Hi.

My Mother in Law's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she has Don King in a headlock?.. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Any more one liners?.. Over to you :wink: 

ray.


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## pippin

Might be funny but I have no idea who Don King is. :lol:


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## rayrecrok

pippin said:


> Might be funny but I have no idea who Don King is. :lol:










Boxing promoter, finger in every pie?..

ray.


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## Spacerunner

Sweating like Gary Glitter in Mothercare.


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## Remus

I wouldn't say my mother in law was fat but you can see her bum from space.


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## lifestyle

When do you kick a midget in the balls.

When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.


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## Sprinta

big? she used to kickstart Jumbo jets


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## wizzardi

Fat? She had to have her ears pierced so the kids could watch telly.





If the answer is "Cock Robin", what is the question?


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## Drew

What's up my **** Batman?


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## jonus

My friend Rob once described his somewhat 'un-shorn' ex-girlfriend thus:

"She had a thatch like Terry Waite's allotment"!


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## locrep

Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping, . . . scared the **** out of his dog.


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## rayrecrok

Hi.

What is the difference between "roast pork" and "pea soup"

you can roast pork. :lol: 

ray.


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## wizzardi

whats the dfference between a vitamin and a hormone.

you cant hear a vitamin


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## HarleyDave

This is a two liner - apologies all round

Er Hem


What's the difference between a piano and a fish?








You can tune a piano








But you can't tuna fish...


I thank you 8) 

Cheers

Dave

Edit - might be a three liner - sorry folks - that's all.....

C 
HD


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## HarleyDave

Gentlemen - that reminds me...

Name 3 kinds of fish that begin and end with the letter "K"

"Answers on a Post Card please" 

AKA - no spoilers please if you know this one - OK?

Cheers

Dave


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## Pudsey_Bear

HarleyDave said:


> Gentlemen - that reminds me...
> 
> Name 3 kinds of fish that begin and end with the letter "K"
> 
> "Answers on a Post Card please"
> 
> AKA - no spoilers please if you know this one - OK?
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Dave


Trying not to give it away Dave.

could one be a shop and another a town and the third a sort of fish? long time since I heard this one though


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## HarleyDave

Yes, that's it Kev - All my jokes are old - just like me...

Clue 1 for the rest of you

Kwick Save haddocK

Who knows the rest?

Cheers

Dave


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## Melly

Paddy thought Johnny Cash was loose change for a durex machine.


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## 747

I have just seen a Pakistani Elvis tribute act.

His name?

Ahmal Shukup.


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## HarleyDave

HarleyDave said:


> Yes, that's it Kev - All my jokes are old - just like me...
> 
> Clue 1 for the rest of you
> 
> Kwick Save haddocK
> 
> Who knows the rest?
> 
> Cheers
> 
> Dave


Clue 2 (and yes I know it's not a real fish... - this IS meant to be a joke after all) :roll: :roll:

Killer sharK

What's the third one??

Cheers

Dave


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## Pudsey_Bear

747 said:


> I have just seen a Pakistani Elvis tribute act.
> 
> His name?
> 
> Ahmal Shukup.


Nice one.

There's just something about a Bradford joke.


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## Melly

Paddy thought that Ellesmere Port was a new type of dinner wine.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Shouldn't these be in the Irish Jokes thread.

Also just noticed that the "like" button changes to an unlike button once used, now that's Irish.

So someone clicks it to say they like what someone says, if in the same thread they say something they don't like can you unlike the first like or is it a case of once liked it's liked for ever, or can we go back though our likes and unlike them whenever we like, or it that once unliked we're unliked forever.

:lol: :lol: I might have got lost in there somewhere like :lol: :lol:


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## GEMMY

Yes Kev, you can go back and 'unlike' just tested :lol: 

tony


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## Pudsey_Bear

I can see an opportunity for devilment there :twisted: :twisted: 

I wonder if you get an email when you get unliked too :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## rayrecrok

Hi.

When I got divorced, the wife said she'd fight me for custody of the kids.

Took her out with one punch. :wink: 

ray.


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## rayrecrok

Hi.

Last Christmas I gave my granddad a prostÄ±tute and a duvet, which surprised him as he’d actually asked for a tartan blanket. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

ray.


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## rayrecrok

Hi.

My kids want a dog for Christmas but I’ve refused to get them a labrador. It’s scary how many labrador owners you see that have gone blind. :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

ray.


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## rayrecrok

Hi.


Most peaceful Christmas I remember was when my dyslexic mother covered the Christmas cake with Temazepam. :wink: 

ray.


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## loddy

About as much use as a handbrake on a canoe


Irish gunslinger= Rick Oshea

Dyslexic pimp who bought a wharehouse


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## rayrecrok

Hi.


Sandra managed to finish the cards early this Christmas. Both my Visa and Mastercard are completely maxed out. :roll: 

ray.


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## Remus

Dyslexia devil worshipper - sold his soul to Santa.


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## charlieivan

A dog is not just for Christmas,


If you carve it carefully it will last till the New Year !!!


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## pippin

That joke should go down well in Co-rear :lol:


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## uncleswede

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who used to wake up at nights wondering if there really was a dog...


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## pippin

Yes, I did hear that - several times!

And, no, the old ones aren't always the best ones :lol:


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## Pudsey_Bear

pippin said:


> Yes, I did hear that - several times!
> 
> And, no, the old ones aren't always the best ones :lol:


Pippin. Aged 68. Has probably heard them all several times and is bored with the old ones, he probably remembers Twizzle and Torchy too :black::black::black::black: :wink: :wink:


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## pippin

Who?

I can honestly say that I have never heard of Tworchy and Tizzle.


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## 747

One for Pippin.

Why are Sheep tied to lamp posts in Wales? :? 

They are Leisure Centres.


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## spykal

Do they have lamp posts in Wales ? How very modernised they are getting to be over there.......


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## joedenise

Pippin is probably too OLD to remember torchie and twizzle

  as I can

joe


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## Remus

During WW1 my grandad survived many attacks by mustard gas and pepper spray. He made it to the end of the war. By then, of course, he was a seasoned veteran.


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## Remus

Went to the doctor and told him I had insomnia. Told him I drank three bottles of whiskey every day but couldn't sleep 'cause I was up all night singing.

Sally Army woman came into our pub and shouted 'Drink is your enemy!'. Voice from the back said 'You're so right luv, I've killed four and caught a prisoner'.


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## rayrecrok

Hi.

Our dog just swallowed some scrabble letters by accident, her next **** could spell disaster! .. :lol: :lol: :lol: 


ray.


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## rayrecrok

Hi.

I can remember the first time I had Sex.. in fact I still have the receipt :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

ray.


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## rayrecrok

Hi.

"Roses are red, violets are glorious but don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorius....." 

Quick eh!.

ray.


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## Remus

I had a dodgy burger yesterday. I think it contained horsemeat because when I woke up this morning.

I had the trots.


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## pippin

We are saddled with too many of these horsemeat jokes.


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## alhod

Did I miss the K.....K punchline? 

Alan


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## rayrecrok

Hi.


It would appear that the horse meat scandal has now moved onto B&Q. Tests have revealed that their wooden flooring has laminit. . :roll: 

ray.


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## rayrecrok

Hi.

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the antiques road show.Ooh said the presenter,this is a very rare breed,do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?. "sticks" said paddy. :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## rayrecrok

Hi.

Judge Judy to Prostitute: "When did you realise you were raped?" Prostitute (wiping away tears): "When the check bounced." :wink: 


ray.


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