# Britain's New Navy.



## cabby (May 14, 2005)

Britain's New Navy.
I thought this might amuse some of you. 

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. 

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. 

The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, health and safety, and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24 hours a day and each ship will have its own industrial tribunal.

The crew ratio will be 50/50 men and women, balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexual preference and disability. Sailors will have to work only a maximum of 37 hours a week in line with Brussels Health and Safety rules, even in wartime. All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the fleet, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and ratings' messes. 

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "rum, sodomy and the lash", so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced with sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal "Hello Sailor". All information on noticeboards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches, and this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag has already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque, who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will glide gently into the water as the band of the Royal Marines plays "In The Navy" by The Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the Channel from France to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ".

His final words were "Britannia waives the rules"

If you are offended by this post please click on the appropiate button

cabby


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## rogerblack (May 1, 2005)

Not offended in the least, cabby - on the one hand it's very amusing but also sad that this is not much of an exaggeration of where today's Britain is going.  :?


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## musicbus (May 1, 2005)

ho hum :roll:


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## flyingpig (Jan 14, 2009)

Just about spot on Cabby!

Rule Brittania?.
Wait until Argentina kicks of again, probably send three grumpy old men in a boat!
As an emergency measure, all rowing boats from local parks etc are to be commandeered by the Admiralty.
I can contribute an inflatable and a three man kayak (conversion perhaps to aircraft carrier ( see microlight) to help with crossing the Atlantic, anyone willing to help with a microlight or radio controlled model aircraft in case we need to bomb?
Ooops, sorry, I forgot we can only hurl insults (but don't forget to apologise afterwards, and pay some compensation).
The winter uniforms for the army are awaiting collection from the clothes recycling centre, volunteers are required to knit balaclavas.
The latest model pikes and staffs are to be issued to the army, special commando units will have long bows.

Breaking news.....to save on fuel costs, HMS Victory is to be refitted by out of work youths, and made flagship to the fleet.
Could a Motorhome convert to a tank I wonder?

God help us if we need our forces then, bless em'!

Ken    :roll: :wink: :wink:


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## Chausson (Oct 17, 2006)

Oh so close to reality  in Wales an islamist guy has declared that he wants to have an islam state here in Wales,I wonder how long it will take for the pc brigade to bend over far enough and sell us out.

Ron


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## GerryD (Sep 20, 2007)

You forgot to mention that minimum salary will be £26,000 p.a plus child benefit where applicable, guaranteed to be increased in line with inflation.
Gerry


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