# Men are like.......................



## 89499 (May 25, 2005)

Not all true.......just most of them :lol: 

1 Men are like ...Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like ..Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like .Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ..Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ..Commercials... You can't believe all they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like ..Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ..Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ..Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 

11. Men are like ..Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how 
many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like ..Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken.


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

I've never had the pleasure but I will take your word for it,


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## johnsandywhite (May 9, 2005)

:lol: You took your time to get your (Ladies) own back *sugarplum*. :lol:


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## 89499 (May 25, 2005)

Well worth the wait thought :lol: :wink: Eh??


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## johnsandywhite (May 9, 2005)

sugarplum said:


> Well worth the wait thought :lol: :wink: Eh??


 :lol: I have to give you that sugarplum. Stand back and watch for the fallout. 8O :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

Hello sugarplum you little tinker you. Your fluffy nickname belies your mischeivous nature, can't let you get away with that one :wink: .......






Fed up with all those male-bashing jokes?

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Launderette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do brides get married in white?
So that they match all the other domestic appliances.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?", I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted"
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

pete.


ps, i particularly like the 'fart' one :roll:


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## Scotjimland (May 23, 2005)

What`s the difference between a computer and a women? 
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A computer will take a 3 and a half inch floppy.


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## phoenix (May 9, 2005)

:badgrin:


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## Motorhomersimpson (May 9, 2005)

Just add this for a balanced discussion you understand. :lol: :lol: :lol: 


Women Are Like

Women Are Like...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful. 

Women Are Like...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one. 

Women Are Like...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy. 

Women Are Like...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after. 

Women Are Like...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences. 

Women Are Like...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights. 

Women Are Like...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them. 

.Women Are Like…refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one. 

Women Are Like...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced. 

Women Are Like...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.


MHS...Rob


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## 89499 (May 25, 2005)

Seems I opened a can o' worms :roll: 
Good to see the battle of the sexes is still hale an' hearty :lol: :lol: .............

must dig out some more in defence :x 
come on girls, more support........the guantlet has been thrown down :twisted: :roll: :wink:


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## johnsandywhite (May 9, 2005)

:lol: I did warn you *sugarlpum* :lol:


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## 89499 (May 25, 2005)

how's this for a starter?



BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS......... HERSELF 







A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...................YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG 
SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER 




I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER 




COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN......................SOME THINGS ARE JUST 
BETTER RICH 




I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN And I HAVE A GUN 




WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT 



OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY..................I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME 




DO NOT START WITH ME. ............YOU WILL NOT WIN 



ALL STRESSED OUT ..................AND NO ONE TO CHOKE 




And last but not least: 

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN


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## 89499 (May 25, 2005)

More home truths........... :wink: :wink: 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN 

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. 
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc. 
Get in the shower. 
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 
Condition your hair with grapefruit and mint enhanced conditioner. 
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 
Wash entire rest of your body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 
Rinse conditioner off hair. 
Shave armpits and legs. 
Turn off shower. 
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. 
Spray mould spots with tile cleaner. 
Get out of shower. 
Dry with towel the size of a small country. 
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN 

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 
Walk naked to bathroom. 
If you see wife along the way, shake your privates at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. 
Admire the size of your privates and scratch your bottom. 
Get in the shower. 
Wash your face. 
Wash your armpits. 
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 
Break wind and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. 
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. 
Wash your bottom, leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap. 
Wash your hair. 
Make a shampoo Mohawk. 
Wee. 
Rinse off and get out of shower. 
Partially dry off. 
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the bath the whole time. 
Admire privates in mirror again. 
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. 
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake privates at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 
Throw wet towel on bed.


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## johnsandywhite (May 9, 2005)

:lol: Keep trying *sugarplum*. :lol:


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

8)

pete.


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

And one more before the flak......


Female language dictionary 

40-ish...............................................49
Adventurous.....................................Slept with everyone
Athletic.............................................No boobs
Average looking................................Ugly
Beautiful............................................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..............................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure...........................On medication
Free spirit.........................................Junkie
Friendship first..................................Former slut
Fun..................................................Annoying
New-Age.........................................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded...................................Desperate
Outgoing..........................................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.......................................Sloppy drunk
Professional......................................Bitch
Feminist...........................................Fat
Voluptuous......................................Very Fat
Large frame.....................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate..............................Stalker

1. Yes = No
2. No = No
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = And you'll pay dearly
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? 

pete.


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## 89499 (May 25, 2005)

peejay.............you sure are letting off some steam today   

anyway.................where is all my support???????   :roll: :roll: I can only assume the girls are all working there socks off and don't have any time to add there thoughts yet :roll: :roll: 

Wonder why the men seem to have a lot more time on there hands. mmmmmmmmmm.........perhaps more job sharing wouldn't go amiss :roll: :roll: 

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section 

Buy a dog.



If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you 

Buy a dog. 



If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it 

Buy a dog. 



If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want 

Buy a dog. 



If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies 

Buy a dog. 



If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores 

Buy a dog. 



If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually 

Buy a dog. 



But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness. 



Then my friend, Buy a cat! 


(You thought I was talking about men didn't you!) WELL it is a possibility !!!!!


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## johnsandywhite (May 9, 2005)

sugarplum said:


> Wonder why the men seem to have a lot more time on there hands. mmmmmmmmmm.........perhaps more job sharing wouldn't go amiss


 :idea: Perhaps the Men are so good at their job they have time on their hands. Unlike Women who never seem to have any spare time but they always seem to have the time to talk about it. :roll:


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

:lol: :lol: :lol: Sugaryplum, my dearly beloved is currently beavering away at work to keep me in the lifestyle i'm accustomed to :roll: She's a Phsychiatric nurse and keeps telling me she gets plenty of homework, not sure what she means there? :wink: 

Anyway, hows about this one?................

New procedures

Please note that with the arrival of new' Drive-Thru' cash point machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

MALE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car to the machine.
3. Restart the stalled engine.
4. Wind window down.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat, to locate card.
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine, due to its excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10. Re-insert card the right way up.
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary, with your PIN written on the inside cover.
12. Enter PIN.
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14. Enter amount of cash required.
15. Re-check make-up in rear view mirror.
16. Retrieve cash and receipt.
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash
18. Place receipt in back of check book.
19. Drive forward two meters.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
23. Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
24. Release handbrake.

:roll: :wink: 


pete.


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## 89499 (May 25, 2005)

jsw........not true......any spare time we have is taken up with fwd planning :lol: :lol: 

and can we help it if we happen to be better communicators ???:roll: :roll: 

I think this is a no win situation.... on my own here against fierce opposition   
what happened to fair play??? :roll: :roll: 

still fight to the death :twisted: :twisted: I'm nothing if not determined....................................



>1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
>
>2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
>
>3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up 
>there.
>
>4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
>
>5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
>
>6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can 
>tell them apart.
>
>7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make 
>some woman miserable.
>
>8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself 
>types.
>
>9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for 
>it.
>
>10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
>
>11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
>
>12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in 
>Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
>
>13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque 
>books.
>
>14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it 
>means that you laugh at his.
>
>15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
>


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

I think my wife could relate to no 11 :roll:

Last one for today.....










8)

pete.


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## 89499 (May 25, 2005)

peejay.................does this mean you're calling a truce?? :lol: :lol: 

If so, I can get on with doing some chores now :roll: :roll: 

ps you defended your corner well though :roll: :roll:


accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days the statue :lol: :lol:


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## johnsandywhite (May 9, 2005)

:lol: Why Men Are Happier Than Women!

1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.


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## 89499 (May 25, 2005)

funny....I was just reading a different version of the same! :roll: 



Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple 
creatures? 

Your last name stays put. 
The garage is all yours. 
Wedding plans take care of themselves. 
Chocolate is just another snack. 
You can be President. You can never be pregnant. 
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt 
to a water park 
Car mechanics tell you the truth. 
The world is your urinal. 
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because 
this one is just too icky. 
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 
Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. 
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. 
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 
One mood all the time. 
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. ! 
You know stuff about tanks. 
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 
You can open all your own jars. 
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your 
friend. 
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are 
more than enough. 
You almost never have strap problems in public. 
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 
Everything on your face stays its original color. 
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to 
shave your face and neck. 
You can play with toys all your life. 
Your belly usually hides your big hips. 
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. 
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. 
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.! 
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. 
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 
minutes.


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

Not giving up that easily, lets call it a temporary truce SP, until battle recommences another day......

Its been fun,

Pete.

(superior male :wink: )


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## Motorhomersimpson (May 9, 2005)

Come off it you two, it was just getting interesting.

My favorite...(I know John, :lol: it's been on before I put it on. :wink 

What's the difference between a woman and a Tesco's shopping trolley? 

A Tesco's shopping trolley has a mind of it's own.


MHS...Rob


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

Oh orl right then just one more......

You've got a point

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows .....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings....+5
in the snow.....+8
but return with beer.....-5
and no liners.....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night ..... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party..... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy.....-2
named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
with breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday..... 0
You buy a card and flowers..... 0
You take her out to dinner..... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal..... 0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop 3.....-3
which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".....-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned statement..... 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do".....-50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.....+100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep.....-200

8) 

pete.


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## johnsandywhite (May 9, 2005)

:lol: :lol: :lol: Ok. In defence of *sugarplum*. Here is one for her:-

A Dear John Letter

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, 
John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the heck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, 
Mary


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## 89499 (May 25, 2005)

thank you.... jsw....knew it.......you're just a sweetie really!! :roll: :roll:


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## johnsandywhite (May 9, 2005)

:lol: Dont miss the one >>Just for sugarplum <<. :wink:


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