# It’s how it is, well isn’t it.



## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Our soon to be x daughter in law called in tonight 

With our Izzy

Whose driving me mad, when her dad is here

Dad it seems is in total control of my house and life when she’s here with him 

She obeys only the one 

Can we have her Sunday night ?, minus dad , as she wants to go away 

So I’ve got her Wed, thurs with dad and again on Sunday

Up early, sandwiches and school 

But

Of course we will

She’s hard work

And I was fostered out several times, between children’s homes 

And never made it, I was prob hard work too 

And no, I don’t need you lot to tell me I still am , who would believe it ??:wink2:

But this g ‘kid is ours , adopted or not 

So she belongs 

Heaven help her 

Sandra


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

I'm sure it will all work out fine Sandra. Don't forget to lay some ground rules that allow for your, and Albert's, needs though


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Trouble is Izzy doesn’t do rules, Pat 

The word no sends her into a huff, how they manage her at school I have no idea, although she seems to be constantly in detention,short stints, for flaunting all rules 

Apparently she’s searched when she enters school for fizzy drinks and chewing gum both of which are forbidden

She’s a very determined young lady 

Sandra


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

Huffs would get ignored as would paddies etc.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

They are ignored Kev

Nevertheless they are disruptive to a peaceful life 

Sandra


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## Drew (May 30, 2005)

Make out a list and give it to her with a good explanation, reason with her, ask her for her thoughts.

*Then give her a set of rules that must be kept.*


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

aldra said:


> They are ignored Kev
> 
> Nevertheless they are disruptive to a peaceful life
> 
> Sandra


Can't be doing it right then   or they couldn't disrupt you.


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

Nothing wrong with being "determined". She just needs to find something constructive to be determined about.


I have probably told this story before...


My brother was head of PE in a secondary school. It was in a very deprived area and many of the children were quite challenging to motivate. His headmaster approached him one day about a boy about whom he was very worried. Not one of the other heads of departments had been able to engage this boy in their subject and headmaster was determined that no child would leave his school a complete failure. Was there anything that John could do with the boy? John took him under his wing, rounded him up when he was truanting, and tried every sport under the sun to see if he could find a tiny bit of "talent", No joy . One Friday afternoon said boy was helping clear up the locker rooms with John and John was looking forward to his game of golf the next day. He had an idea! "Hey, boy", he says "how would you like to come and caddy for me tomorrow. I'll give you a fiver". Well, that did it! The boy duly caddied the next day. after that not only for John, but for lots of other golfers at the club who were willing to put money in his hand. When he left school he got a job at the Golf Club and did not become one of those awful statistics.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Izzy was alcohol/drug damaged at birth, so is not a “normal “ little girl 

Her attention span is very short, empathy does not come easy to her , if it comes at all 

She doesn’t understand the concept of rules

Emotionally she is far below her chronological age, most things in life are a drama to her to be exaggerated

Truth and fantasy are one and the same thing 

She copes well, all things considered 

She adores Shadow and he her, so that’s a bonus 

Sandra


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

You forget
I raised 6 kids

Part raised 10 grandkids 

Albert, a teacher specialised in “difficult “ children , supporting and training other teachers

I as a social worker was no stranger to difficult families, as a nurse no stranger to difficult adults 

But I appreciate your advice, bless you all 

But I think the problem is that we are both 74 :crying:

Sound in mind but the bodies ain’t that good :frown2:

But we raised 6 kids, part raised 10 grand kids , and they are still close

Now I think it’s because of our ancient wisdom >

But it could be as simple as a good steak and kidney pie:wink2:

Sandra


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

aldra said:


> Izzy was alcohol/drug damaged at birth, so is not a "normal " little girl
> Her attention span is very short, empathy does not come easy to her , if it comes at all
> She doesn't understand the concept of rules
> Emotionally she is far below her chronological age, most things in life are a drama to her to be exaggerated
> ...


Sorry Sandra she needs to be shown pretty damn quick that the rest of the world does not revolve around her.
Because the later this is learnt the harder the knocks getting there.

Your house, your rules to be obeyed or bugger off.

Ray.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Ray
She couldn’t understand that

I took this babe at3 months old as mine 

She’s struggling to understand the world around her

And no way 

Will I add to that stuggle 

She’s mine, a child who I love

A child who reminds me 

That once upon a time 

No one loved me , I was just a number 

But my son adores her

And she adores her dad 

So she’s started well above me 

Sandra


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

I guess I could not muster the patience Sandra. 
Some of the most adaptable and integrated Downs kids we knew were disciplined into a routine or respect and became models of society.
No I realise Izzy is not downs and has other problems but I can only say again the rest of the world will not dance to her tune. If she does not twig early then her life will be hard.!

Ray.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Yep

And we know it

But does she ?

She hasn’t found a tune she can dance to yet 

But if she does

Well she’ll put us all to shame

In our little world of correctness , with little meaning 

Sandra


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

She’s Issy 

Difficult as she goes into teenage years 

Difficult because her mum and dad are divorcing 

Difficult because she’s an alcohol / drug damaged child 

Difficult because she’s issy 

Lucky because she’s ours 

A five month old baby 

Who entered our lives 

And we love her

But much like the hound from hell

We foresee problems on the horizon

But hey we love that hound from hell

We love that grandkid 

Come hell or high water 

Sandra


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

It is very easy, Sandra, to try to protect them from the life that we led. I had a terrible relationship with my mother and bent over backwards to not put my daughter through what I went through. I probably bend too far the other way. My mother was deliberately dependent on me and so I distance myself from my daughter far too much so that she does not feel oppressed as I did. We try far too hard, sometimes, to protect them from what we went through and end up not helping.
I can't fault my mother for providing a stable home for us but her treatment of me within that home left much to be desired. I turned out all right (I hope) in the end. I think the stable home and a good supportive school just saved me from my mother's mental abuse. As the saying goes "It takes a village to raise a child".


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Not sure what you are saying Pat 

We can’t save her

We can love her

And we do 

She’s one of ten, all different , all ours, and we won’t be here for ever 

But memories of what we were will be there for ever

And we intend that they are memories they cherish 

Of a grandma and grandad that knew how special each of them are

And failing that

How good her bacon sandwiches were :grin2:

Sandra


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

Just rambling Sandra. Was thinking how we try to make our children and grandchildren's lives better than ours and that, perhaps, we try too hard. They have to find their own way and the stronger the boundaries are the safer they feel. 
I remember supporting my brother through the death of his wife and the care of his 1 year old son. At 56 he had never been a father. He was constantly moving the boundaries "because the poor boy has lost his mother". Yes it was a tragedy but the child needed him to be strong in order to feel safe and all he kept doing was giving in (to bad behaviour) and trying, by so doing, to make the child feel "better". Of course it was all unknown territory to him (and us) but it wasn't until the boy started to use the death of his mother as an excuse to get out of trouble at school that my brother realised what he had done.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

With us the boundaries are strong, when she’s here alone with us 

But she has to be affected by the divorce, all kids would be, she’s lost her home and family stability

And as yet neither of her parents have moved into their new homes 

Our son spends all his off duty time with her 

Although he’s in the process of buying a house locally it seems to be taking a long time to finalise 

Things will no doubt return to normality eventually 

Sandra


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

Kids usually are resilient and adapt.! I can say this with experience.
My dad died when I was just two and my mother brought me up under extremely difficult conditions for her.
I knew no difference and often wondered why people said 'poor kid with no father'. I felt privileged to get free school dinners and uniform. But my mother tried to pay for these things so I wouldn't suffer with any stigma.
To me I was better off than other kids who had to pay. I was always engaged in conversation with adults unlike some friends who only 'knew' their siblings.

Todays kids are often 'labelled' and live to that label or excuses made because of it. Todays kids will see the ***** and exploit it.

Ray.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Yes she will survive Ray

But she’s 12 not two and hopefully she will settle down to a new lifestyle 

I was moved from children’s homes to children’s homes, different schools, different carers, different kids 

And I survived, but I wouldn’t recommend it 

I have a feeling her mum wants to revert to a single life , weekends away , girls nights out 

And it seems she has done rather well financially from the divorce 

And our son will become the main carer sooner rather than later 

And Izzy dotes on him as her lifeline through the trauma, and to be fair he’s happy to spend all his non working time with her 

And we are the obvious nearby support system 

So I guess it’s a bit of a selfish worry 

We’ve only just got rid of one grandchild, who is now out in the big new world , a lawyer in the making:grin2:

Not that she ever was a shrinking violet >

This is a family of formidible females > 

Young alberts close at hand, but he too is growing up, though not quite ready to make his way in the world yet, and his grandad is the dad he never knew as well as the granddad he knows so well 

Me well I’ve always been the one to feed them, run them a bubble bath when things 
go wrong, why do we do that?

And we are growing old 

Sandra


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## HermanHymer (Dec 5, 2008)

It's surprising how children accept rules and behave better somewhere out of the main home, as in at grandparents. Constancy and consistency are key qualities to have... and stamina! That I know is not as plentiful as we get older, but you can only do the best you can. And to give both Sandra and Albert credit, they're a lot better at this than they give themselves credit for.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

You are biased Viv

Added to the fact you fell in love with Albert junior 

Cook a curry together and you are done for 

But he always remembers Viv 

Sandra


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## HermanHymer (Dec 5, 2008)

Ditto, I think he's a super young man, he'll achieve you mark my words!

(I hope) I'd be the last person to criticise anyone else's views, but Sandra, you're an awesome person regardless of your "early start in life" and more than equal of anyone else!


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Definately biased 

A lost cause my lovely one

Sandra


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

But it does worry me 

For instance she washes her own hair

In the bath with bubble bath 

She won’t let me near to rinse it , but her hair is clogged , difficult to brush , and she hates anyone to touch it 

But a breakthrough

She wouldn’t allow me to wash it

But she allowed our daughter

Several washes with shampoo, conditioner , it shines like the sun

And this morning Albert said shall I brush it ?

She ignored him, and then produced and gave him the brush 

And of course it was like brushing through thick silk 

These are the little victories won 

But she still drags on her uniform , looks like a homeless hobo when she leaves for school

And will not accept me to tuck her in smoothly 

And she checks her lunch box 

But I notice she no longer tears it apart putting everything in different places whether or not they fit 

She nods 

Sandra


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## jiwawa (Jun 22, 2007)

That's a heart-warming post Sandra (smile)


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## rayrecrok (Nov 21, 2008)

I feel so blessed my Grandkids show and take all the love that is given, everyone of them.









ray.


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## chrisdougie (Apr 1, 2009)

grankids can sometimes be hard work - i threaten mines with kisses when they misbehave - which they dont like too much so it works sometimes
chrisdougie


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

Sandra, they sound like major breakthroughs to me! She is making amazing progress.

Lovely photo Ray


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## HermanHymer (Dec 5, 2008)

Blessings some in strange disguises. Perhaps this extra time spent with you and Albert will yield more positive results in time.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

It’s not like that Viv

She’s beautiful

But she’s not a grandchild we can understand

And we wouldn’t need to understand her fully 

Because we left it to her parents 

But now

I find I don’t understand this little girl 

I can critisize her parents 

I wouldn’t have done that , whatever that was 

I’ve raised 6 kids , And quite a few grandkids 

But she is special 

And we need to learn again 

Before the divorce she spent lots of time with us

Since, far too much 

Because this child is difficult, and she loves us and we her

And she’s difficult not because she chooses to be

But because she knows no other way 

And

Once upon a time, as a child, I was so difficult,for different reasons 

But I didn’t know another way either 

Sandra


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