# Kulula - South-African airline



## DABurleigh (May 9, 2005)

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. 

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
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On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
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On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
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"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
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Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
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"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
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Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
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Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
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A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" 

A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


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## sallytrafic (Jan 17, 2006)

True or not I loved them especially the last one


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## rogerblack (May 1, 2005)

I have actually heard one of these used by the pilot on a BA flight - no prizes for guessing which one . . . :wink:


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## DABurleigh (May 9, 2005)

http://www.hipstertravelguide.com/archives/5223


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## Dinks123 (Apr 20, 2010)

Those comments are the sort of things said on the Kulula flights. Their planes are a sickly green colour and the flight attendants wear denim jeans with corporate tshirts. I have flown with them on many occassions.


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## MrsW (Feb 8, 2009)

:lol: :lol: :lol: Brilliant! I do wish Flybe had such a sense of humour!


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## 747 (Oct 2, 2009)

You should try flying around West African countries.

On some flights there was standing room only. 8O 

Crates of chickens and Ducks in the cabin.

A very strong smell of Ganja (Marijuana), in fact there was a blue haze on some flights. :lol: And that was from the flight deck. :lol: (only joking, I think :? ).

SAA had virtually no competition when I was down that way. We preferred to drive whenever possible as it was such a magnificent country.


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## waz (Jan 5, 2008)

Being a lover of Ausie humour, I like the ones about the pilots report sheets and the engineers replys. Will try and find a link.

Waz

try this link
https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...Australian%20Airline%20humour.doc+Australian+

edited to add link


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## tonyt (May 25, 2005)

My preferred SA airline - looking forward to my January flight. 

BA flights on the same route are soooooooo boring and so much more expensive.


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## an99uk (May 12, 2005)

Some more airline stuff
Quantas
Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet', which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit. 
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield. 
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. 
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield. 
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing. 
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny. 
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums 
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit. 
Engineers: Cat installed.

Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget


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