# Could offend but very funny :)



## Rislar (Aug 16, 2008)

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio... 

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male 
Astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold 
out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts." 

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny 
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes 
To use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." 

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen 
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." 

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World 
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet 
He wished he had a hard on now." 

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on 
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed 
last night." 

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's 
Formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." 

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well 
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg." 

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie 
Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to 
Lick their balls on the green." 

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire 
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands 
he just tossed it off." 

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." 

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What 
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" 

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better 
Today after a 69." 

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath 
away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection." 

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big 
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night 
about coming from different positions." 

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told 
Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs." 

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live 
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## 101578 (Oct 28, 2006)

:lol: :lol: 8)


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## johng1974 (Jan 17, 2007)

:lol:


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## JockandRita (Jun 1, 2005)

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

And not offended in the slightest.

Jock.


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## Rislar (Aug 16, 2008)

glad you like it, i had to put a disclaimer on it just in case


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## DABurleigh (May 9, 2005)

I missed this yesterday. That is a cracking compilation. Thanks!

Dave


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## Rislar (Aug 16, 2008)

Your welcome i aim to please :lol:


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## Rislar (Aug 16, 2008)

Can i get a Medal now :lol:


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## Rislar (Aug 16, 2008)

PLEASE 8O :lol:


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

Rislar said:


> PLEASE 8O :lol:


You'll get a Bump Medal from the Mods if you're not careful.....


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## Rapide561 (Oct 1, 2005)

*Jokes*

More, more!!!!


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## G2EWS (May 1, 2006)

Brilliant,

Just finished laughing!

Regards

Chris


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## moblee (Dec 31, 2006)

Just seen this 8O :lol: :lol: 
No offense taken,No offense meant by this old joke :arrow: 

The irish fencing team had to retire from the olympics...Because they run out of cresote :lol: :lol:


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## G2EWS (May 1, 2006)

moblee said:


> Just seen this 8O :lol: :lol:
> No offense taken,No offense meant by this old joke :arrow:
> 
> The irish fencing team had to retire from the olympics...Because they run out of cresote :lol: :lol:


Brilliant!

Thankyou!

Chris


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## Rislar (Aug 16, 2008)

*And Another *

Paddy and Osama

Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Laden" a heavily accented irish voice said. "This is Paddy, down 'ere from Ireland ? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you yis!"

"Well Paddy," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Shamous, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Osama paused. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Paddy."I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr.Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Osama asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Mick's farm tractor."

Osama sighed. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus", said Paddy, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Father Flannigans ultra-light wid a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and another 4 from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Osama was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Paddy, "I'll have ta call ya back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Mr. Laden! I am sorry to have to tell ya dis, but we've had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that", said Osama. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Paddy, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few pints a Guinness, and we come to realise that there is no way we can feed two million prisoners."


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