# Pussers Report Part 1



## Pusser

Part 1 of probably 3 or 4 – Two Loos La Trek goes South F.

T’was 22:00 on the 30th September that we slipped our moorings and headed for the Tunnel where for sixty one quid we could get to France if we left at the ridiculous hour of 05:38. The plan was to book in and get some decent sleep as we would have 6 hours in hand thus leaving us fresh as a daisy for tomorrows epic journey.

This all went to plan until we got there and they said they would put us on an earlier train at 03.30 thus leaving us no time to sleep properly but getting us into France that bit earlier seemed attractive.

We had our gas sticker stuck on the front and as usual we were pulled over for a gas check by customs who last time searched us for bombs and stuff.

“That’s a 13 kilo one that is,” said the customs man as he tapped my gas tank.

“Oh. Really,” I said, amazed that this highly trained man who probably sees a thousand gas cylinders a day can recognise a 13 Kilo one without reading the label on the top. “Gas cylinders are either big ones or small ones to me,” I informed him helpfully, “and I call the one I have a big one whereas the smaller ones that are half the size of this one I tend to call small ones. It’s just my funny way of handling things”. 

He peered into the depths of my gas storage and then triumphantly pointed to the Braille like writing on the gas bottle. “There you are,” he said, “It’s a 13 kiloer ….I told you it was a 13 kiloer didn’t I.” This had obviously made his day and I looked at him trying to look amazed at this man’s powers of perception. I had this deep yearning to pay out to a blacksmith to change the 13 to a 12 so I could catch the little sod out next time I was going to France. The customs man was so in awe of his almost mystical powers that he did not even check the tap to see whether it was on or off thus negating I would have thought the whole bleedin’ point of the exercise.

So be warned. Customs are trained to be able to recognise a 13 kilo (Kiloer in their speak) gas cylinder without reading the label. 

We bumbled onto the train and listened to the safety announcements basically informing us that if our compartment should burst into flames, we should wait until we hear a signal and then be advised to move to the next compartment. Personally, I will not be moving to any compartment. I shall be out one of the side doors in seconds and running down the centre tunnel as fast as my little legs will carry me. Then they make the same announcement in French and presumably do not give a toss about Germans, Italians and Spanish who may also be using the train. 

Our first stop was to fill up with diesel at 0.97 euro per litre. All the pumps were either being used or roped off so I decided to fill up in the lorry section. I did notice the pipe and nozzle were bigger than usual, (much bigger actually) 
but nevertheless the nozzle fitted perfectly and so I pulled the trigger. 
Well - the fuel shot in like a tsunami on steroids and I turned around to 
grin smugly at others less fortunate than I who where taking ages to fill 
their tanks up.

Seconds later the nozzle clicked and I was full. I whipped out the nozzle 
with the dexterity of a professional artic driver and just as I pushed 
the nozzle back into its holder I heard a noise that is best described as a 
Hippopotamus farting. It was shortly after that noise, if not immediately, that I found myself covered from head to foot in diesel oil looking like a primed Buddhist Monk set for glory.

“Do you do this deliberately,” my wife queried as she walked with head held high to the pay desk, I suspect, trying to make it look that she was the dutiful wife taking her husband out on day release from an asylum.

Time and miles passed; the air rich with the smell of diesel and it was midday when we arrived at Lac D’Orient and the heat was very hot and a bathe in the lake seemed a good idea to cool off and cause an oil slick.

I parked in a municipal park for homeless motor homes and coin-op hook-up and fresh water available. There were not many spaces left so I had to park in the middle row and not at an edge. No British were to be seen so I was on my best behaviour, setting an example that misguided lovers of England would be proud of.

I walked through our motor home opening door, windows and vents and decided a visit to my porta pottie would be a good idea, not just for me, but everyone in the vicinity.

I sat down and made myself comfy having first lined my porta pottie with paper and was in the process when I decided to open the bathroom window a bit as it was so hot. Not too much of course, as I would have died if I had come face to face with a European cousin. It was at this point that I noticed the world outside was moving.

My brain is like a computer; a Sinclair comes to most of my family’s minds. It delivered three options to me in seconds.

1…Rush out with a dirty bottom and apply handbrake.
2…Rush out after I had cleaned my bottom and then explain to the Hymer owner opposite why Two Loos La Trek was imbedded in his lounge.
3…Go for the credit card swipe and run technique I once used successfully in the jungles of Singapore when a snake wriggled in under the door of the lavatory I was using.

I chose option three and burst out of loo, falling over as my shorts were around my ankle and when I got up, only around one ankle. I lunged in the direction of the drivers cab aware that other motor homers were watching bemused as my motor home slowly but surely rolled towards the sparkling, fully loaded A class Hymer. I sat down on the chair hoping that the cleaning job had been successful and yanked the hand brake up with only about 1 yards to spare.

I looked about me and the bemused motor homers whose excitement I thought had been brought to an end were now staring in disbelief that an Englishman was sitting at the steering wheel naked from the waist down with both cab doors fully opened from when we first arrived.

I had this really funny thought of the cliché being “glued to the seat,” but rather than suffer any further indignity I reached out to pull the drivers door closed and fell out the cab. That is twice I have done this although the first time I was wearing jeans and my bottom was as clean as a whistle.

I am leaving the story there because I was so shocked I am not really sure how I got back in and the reason I have no pictures of the wild camping place is simply because I had not the courage to leave the van.

With that little hiccup out of the way we then headed on down towards the South of France, the weather absolutely baking.

I am doing this report in stages because I have a lot of info to put down and it will take some time for me to do, plus of course a fair selection of pictures which I have to work on first.


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## johnsandywhite

:lol: Can't wait for part 2. :lol:


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## Malc

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 
Serialised in next weeks daily ****
Malc


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## Scotjimland

You're a breathe of fresh air Pusser.. lol 
We await with baited breathe :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Mat7

:lol: :lol: That was soooo Funny!!! :lol: :lol: 

Get typing pusser!!!

:lol: 8O :lol:


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## 88781

:lol: Now the tears of laughter have stopped I can see to type again, brill iant stuff Pusser :lol: :lol: 

Cheers Dave


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## LozSiBen

Took me ages to read this, it's so funny i was crying with laughter 

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

can't wait for the next episode.

cheers L & S. :wink:


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## 91289

:lol: Part two now please!! :lol: 

Tim


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## Nora+Neil

Pusser. 

What a laugh. Hubby thinks I'm in cuckoo land until he read it and he is now holding his sides. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Going away for a week and looking forward to Part 2.3.4.5.6.7and more when we come back.


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## Grizzly

More please- quick!

(Give me chance to get another box of tissues in first)

G.


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## Motorhomersimpson

Very amusing pusser as always :lol: :lol: .......your real name wouldn't happen to be Frank Spencer and your long suffering wife's name is Betty.....would it :lol: :lol: 

MHS...Rob


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## hymmi

HI Pusser,

Welcome back.........................that is an amazing story,can't wait for part 2 !!!!!!!!!

I only hope you were not flying our pennant or they will think we are all from the same asylum 8O :lol:


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## 92046

*Photos wanted*

*Wanted.
*[u :twisted: ]Anyone parked in the same aire with a cameraPlease Post The photos Here :twisted: 
**************************************************
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Nice One Pusser :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 
Part 2 to 10 "*"*"ASAP PLEASE"*"*"

Colin[/u]


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## peejay

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Just about managed to scrape myself off the floor from larfing so much, Your good lady deserves a medal, off now to part 2, if my sides can bear it!

pete.


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## nukeadmin

> You're a breathe of fresh air Pusser.. lol


or maybe not if his cleaning routine is to be believed 

VVVVVV Funny Pusser MOD type humour at its best


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## 88741

You just have to get these epsiodes made into a book and published P, best thing I have read for ages :lol:


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## Raine

lol !!!!! nuff said!


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## 2point

Great trip yarn.

No doubt we'll be tapping you up for some route/site details sometime in the spring!

Cheers


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## grumpyman

Absolutely brilliant.


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## sallytrafic

If you are going to resurrect an old post then this is the one.


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## JohnsCrossMotorHomes

sallytrafic said:


> If you are going to resurrect an old post then this is the one.


Please oh please, where is Part two!

Oh it was so funny.


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## Rapide561

*Pusser's travels*

Dear Pusser

I am sorry for resurecting this earlier today in the thread about SAD in January and so on. You have made so many of us laugh today.

Here are the rest.

Pusser's maiden voyage

Pusser Spain part 2

Pusser Spain part 3

and just for good measure

Pusser - Bonton Rally part 1

and finally

Pusser Binton part 2

Russell

Sorry Puss


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## Grizzly

Print outs of these ought to be available from the NHS. Even having read them umpteen times they can still make me weep with laughter.

Thanks again Puss !

G


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## annetony

I had forgoten how funny these were, thanks Russell for reminding us, cheered me up on a wet and dismal day, :lol: :lol: 

Keep them coming Pusser 8) 


Anne


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## linal

Hi thanks Russell for putting the links in I had forgotton how funny they are it also gives me peace and Quiet as my wife has popped over to her moms stating " can't hear myself think with you sitting there laughing like a loony " Also thanks again to Pusser for writing them. Is it not time you went travelling again Pusser. ?

Alex.


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## EJB

Wonderful.......and I do love the smell of diesel........on other people


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## bigfoot

Pusser I think you have been let back into the community somewhat prematurely. Very funny though. 
LOOK OUT FRANCE HE'S ON HIS WAY SURRENDER NOW!


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## Invicta

Best laugh I have had for ages. Please wait until I have a dry pair of pants before I read the next instalment Pusser!


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## Pusser

sallytrafic said:


> If you are going to resurrect an old post then this is the one.


You are very kind. Thank you very much for everyone's nice comments. I have just booked our last holiday in August this year so I will make every effort to write something. I did not have the time or indeed the motivation this year what with giving up smoking, hypercondria and other serious illensses, many not yet in the public domain. 8)


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## Regal

Pusser, very very funny I am soooo glad you are keeping the British flag flying high. Waiting for part 2 that was brilliant.


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## ksebruce

Pusser you are a joy. I've had no dinner today as wifey is still rolling on the floor, every time she tries to get on with anything she bursts out laughing again and has to sit down. Please keep em coming.


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## mandyandandy

Pusser you don't have time to be ill, you have too many followers for trivia like that. 

Loved all your stories as with others been laughing my head off this morning. I think its the fact you can envisage it happening to anyone of us that makes it so funny. 

Well done!!!

Mandy


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## LeoK

Thanks Pusser.

Great tales and the video was spectacular.

Looking forward to more instalments.


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## SwiftGroup

Pusser said:


> Part 1 of probably 3 or 4 - Two Loos La Trek goes South F.
> 
> T'was 22:00 on the 30th September that we slipped our moorings and headed for the Tunnel where for sixty one quid we could get to France if we left at the ridiculous hour of 05:38. The plan was to book in and get some decent sleep as we would have 6 hours in hand thus leaving us fresh as a daisy for tomorrows epic journey.
> 
> This all went to plan until we got there and they said they would put us on an earlier train at 03.30 thus leaving us no time to sleep properly but getting us into France that bit earlier seemed attractive.
> 
> We had our gas sticker stuck on the front and as usual we were pulled over for a gas check by customs who last time searched us for bombs and stuff.
> 
> "That's a 13 kilo one that is," said the customs man as he tapped my gas tank.
> 
> "Oh. Really," I said, amazed that this highly trained man who probably sees a thousand gas cylinders a day can recognise a 13 Kilo one without reading the label on the top. "Gas cylinders are either big ones or small ones to me," I informed him helpfully, "and I call the one I have a big one whereas the smaller ones that are half the size of this one I tend to call small ones. It's just my funny way of handling things".
> 
> He peered into the depths of my gas storage and then triumphantly pointed to the Braille like writing on the gas bottle. "There you are," he said, "It's a 13 kiloer ….I told you it was a 13 kiloer didn't I." This had obviously made his day and I looked at him trying to look amazed at this man's powers of perception. I had this deep yearning to pay out to a blacksmith to change the 13 to a 12 so I could catch the little sod out next time I was going to France. The customs man was so in awe of his almost mystical powers that he did not even check the tap to see whether it was on or off thus negating I would have thought the whole bleedin' point of the exercise.
> 
> So be warned. Customs are trained to be able to recognise a 13 kilo (Kiloer in their speak) gas cylinder without reading the label.
> 
> We bumbled onto the train and listened to the safety announcements basically informing us that if our compartment should burst into flames, we should wait until we hear a signal and then be advised to move to the next compartment. Personally, I will not be moving to any compartment. I shall be out one of the side doors in seconds and running down the centre tunnel as fast as my little legs will carry me. Then they make the same announcement in French and presumably do not give a toss about Germans, Italians and Spanish who may also be using the train.
> 
> Our first stop was to fill up with diesel at 0.97 euro per litre. All the pumps were either being used or roped off so I decided to fill up in the lorry section. I did notice the pipe and nozzle were bigger than usual, (much bigger actually)
> but nevertheless the nozzle fitted perfectly and so I pulled the trigger.
> Well - the fuel shot in like a tsunami on steroids and I turned around to
> grin smugly at others less fortunate than I who where taking ages to fill
> their tanks up.
> 
> Seconds later the nozzle clicked and I was full. I whipped out the nozzle
> with the dexterity of a professional artic driver and just as I pushed
> the nozzle back into its holder I heard a noise that is best described as a
> Hippopotamus farting. It was shortly after that noise, if not immediately, that I found myself covered from head to foot in diesel oil looking like a primed Buddhist Monk set for glory.
> 
> "Do you do this deliberately," my wife queried as she walked with head held high to the pay desk, I suspect, trying to make it look that she was the dutiful wife taking her husband out on day release from an asylum.
> 
> Time and miles passed; the air rich with the smell of diesel and it was midday when we arrived at Lac D'Orient and the heat was very hot and a bathe in the lake seemed a good idea to cool off and cause an oil slick.
> 
> I parked in a municipal park for homeless motor homes and coin-op hook-up and fresh water available. There were not many spaces left so I had to park in the middle row and not at an edge. No British were to be seen so I was on my best behaviour, setting an example that misguided lovers of England would be proud of.
> 
> I walked through our motor home opening door, windows and vents and decided a visit to my porta pottie would be a good idea, not just for me, but everyone in the vicinity.
> 
> I sat down and made myself comfy having first lined my porta pottie with paper and was in the process when I decided to open the bathroom window a bit as it was so hot. Not too much of course, as I would have died if I had come face to face with a European cousin. It was at this point that I noticed the world outside was moving.
> 
> My brain is like a computer; a Sinclair comes to most of my family's minds. It delivered three options to me in seconds.
> 
> 1…Rush out with a dirty bottom and apply handbrake.
> 2…Rush out after I had cleaned my bottom and then explain to the Hymer owner opposite why Two Loos La Trek was imbedded in his lounge.
> 3…Go for the credit card swipe and run technique I once used successfully in the jungles of Singapore when a snake wriggled in under the door of the lavatory I was using.
> 
> I chose option three and burst out of loo, falling over as my shorts were around my ankle and when I got up, only around one ankle. I lunged in the direction of the drivers cab aware that other motor homers were watching bemused as my motor home slowly but surely rolled towards the sparkling, fully loaded A class Hymer. I sat down on the chair hoping that the cleaning job had been successful and yanked the hand brake up with only about 1 yards to spare.
> 
> I looked about me and the bemused motor homers whose excitement I thought had been brought to an end were now staring in disbelief that an Englishman was sitting at the steering wheel naked from the waist down with both cab doors fully opened from when we first arrived.
> 
> I had this really funny thought of the cliché being "glued to the seat," but rather than suffer any further indignity I reached out to pull the drivers door closed and fell out the cab. That is twice I have done this although the first time I was wearing jeans and my bottom was as clean as a whistle.
> 
> I am leaving the story there because I was so shocked I am not really sure how I got back in and the reason I have no pictures of the wild camping place is simply because I had not the courage to leave the van.
> 
> With that little hiccup out of the way we then headed on down towards the South of France, the weather absolutely baking.
> 
> I am doing this report in stages because I have a lot of info to put down and it will take some time for me to do, plus of course a fair selection of pictures which I have to work on first.


Excellent made me smile at the end of a long day, suffice to say I will pass this on to my staff to read so they can understand what motorhomers get up to! Looking forward to part two.Peter.


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## vicdicdoc

Having [re] read all of Pussers travel tribulations I've decided that I want to go with him next time he ventures over to France - I've not had a good laugh for ages, Although I think I'll wait outside the garage / supermarket / Shops etc until he comes out just incase he causes a riot, I also think it best not to travel on the same Train / ferry incase he causes panic - oh and I don't really want to park up too close to him incase there is a problem with his loo. . . apart from that I think we'll all have a good time . . . anyone else feel like coming ? :lol:


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## Minerva

Having re-read Pussers exploits on earlier occasions you know what the next line is going to produce but needless to to say you still end up laughing out loud with tears streaming down your face. The saying "it could only happen to etc" springs to mind and if it is going to happen it will happen to Pusser.

Well done once again Pusser for making the sunshine on a dismal winters day. A tot of Pussers rum is yours if we ever meet up as I always carry abottle in the MH for 'splicing the mainbrace'

Bill

EDIT: I had to thank Pusser again for the original and Russell for the resurrection


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## UncleNorm

*Pusser made me late for bed!*

Pusser, dear Sir - I have a bone to pick with you! :lol:

I copied out your stories into Word and printed them out, Font size 11, Pages 20!!

So I'd read all the posts and topics on MHF by 1.00am this morning. Then I played 15 games of Scrabulous on Facebook. Then...

Then I picked up the 20 page booklet which I had printed out earlier and started to read it. OK, so I'm a slow reader but it was 4.00am when I got to bed!! :roll: :lol:

The style with which you recall your exploits is unique and made for wonderful reading. Thank you!!


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## Pusser

Thank you all so much for compliments as it does inspire one to have another crack when the situation arises. Who knows what will happen in 2008. I have seen mentions of part 2 and other parts I think and they are I believe in the same section somewhere as the parts Russel kindly listed.


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## peedee

Now that was worth a tenner, keep them coming puss.

peedee


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## Rapide561

*Pussers report*

Hello

Peter (Swift) - don't blame Pusser then if production grinds to a stop whilst your staff read this.

Maybe The Swift Group should incorporate certain design features to assist the Great British Motorhomer! LOL

Russell

Thanks again Pusser - still laughing now and I have read the whole lot a few times.


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## Steamdrivenandy

With a good scriptwriter to bring it all together and not lose the flavour, plus a sympathetic director and John Cleese (say) in the eponymous role Pusser the Movie would be an Oscar winner. 

Andy


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## smithies

Pusser,
reading this in a Moroccan internet, snorting while trying to suppress giggles has not done a lot for the " Englais are NOT mad Campaign "
You are a nutter, pusser.....anyone ever told you that before ??? Keep it coming xxx


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## LeoK

*Re: Pussers report*



Rapide561 said:


> Hello
> 
> Peter (Swift) - ...
> 
> Maybe The Swift Group should incorporate certain design features to assist the Great British Motorhomer! LOL


Would that be cab doors which self close when the b*g door is opened ?


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## thewaltons

I've been reading this at lunch time at work but I choked on my egg butty yesterday (you can't laugh and eat at the same time!) so now I'm going to continue reading it at home. The rest of the office are disappointed and had got used to my daily choking and crying in between reading out snippets. It has been the best part of my working day this week! Love it


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## 101578

Newbies wanting a good laugh? :lol: Read on! 8)


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## Chausson

That was sooo funny let's have the next part pleeeeeeeeeze.

Ron


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## Grizzly

Chausson said:


> That was sooo funny let's have the next part pleeeeeeeeeze.
> Ron


Put "Pussers report" into the Google box at the top of this page Ron, and tick for www.motorhomefacts.com and they will all appear. I'm just about to re-read them. I could do witjh a good laugh tonight and these have me in tears every time I read them

G


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## zulurita

Had me in stitches :lol: :lol: Can't wait for the 2nd part.


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## Grizzly

zulurita said:


> Had me in stitches :lol: :lol: Can't wait for the 2nd part.


Rita..look at the date of the original post; you don't have to wait for parts 2 and 3. They're all there in the archive.

G


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## AndrewandShirley

Now that made me laugh, so much so I had to show it round the office.

More please


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## Grizzly

AndrewandShirley said:


> Now that made me laugh, so much so I had to show it round the office.
> More please


Lets have a show of hands for a whip round to send Pusser and Mrs P off again.

We need a good laugh in these miserable times.

G


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## Pusser

Grizzly said:


> AndrewandShirley said:
> 
> 
> 
> Now that made me laugh, so much so I had to show it round the office.
> More please
> 
> 
> 
> Lets have a show of hands for a whip round to send Pusser and Mrs P off again.
> 
> We need a good laugh in these miserable times.
> 
> G
Click to expand...

  Don't think I can afford the bills I get when I get back home for repairs and amendments and my street cred on a scale of 1 - 9 is 0. 

I have got about 3 to 4 holidays worth to do but it is simply a question of getting my backside into gear and actually feeling a bit healthier than I do before I start. I am hoping that the missus retires soon and then we can do far more travelling and I can probably enjoy doing some writing by a gorgous lake or river with humming birds humming around my table. If not, starlings will have to do.

I don't know why I have just remembered this but when we went to the Lido in Paris, our show had finished and we were walking out as the next audience was filing in the other side of a dividing rope.

This extraordinary beautiful muslim lady paused by me with a gorgous baby fast asleep on her shoulder.

I smiled at her and then the baby to show I was a very nice Englishman and gently made a noise of snoring while smiling and looking at the baby.

My wife says the sound was not a snore but that of a pig snorting and this muslim lady also came to the same opinion and jumped up and down pointing at me and I recieved a torrent of French verbal abuse.

I decided to get out the Lido sharpest as I had seen what I assumed was her husband with other members of the group already gone through and my God was he huge.

I may have posted this before so sorry if I am repeating myself.

Anyway in short the missus said something to the affect of how nice it would be if we could go out just once without me provoking a new Jihad.


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## Rapide561

*Threads*

Hi

The quote below is one of the best I have ever read on the forum.....

Quote.

The missus had been nagging me to empty the porta potties and it was now as full as it could get.

I sat there waiting until I was sure there was no one left in the Gents and lugged this heavy monstrosity across the car park and into the public loos.

To my horror, there were only two sit down lavatorys one of which had someone in. So I went for it.

I unscrewed the cap and tipped it in and for a full 10 minutes this thing spluttered and plopped and gurgled and splashed and there was nothing I could do about it than wait for it to empty.

When most of these horrific and embarrassing noises had stopped, a tiny voice piped up from the next cubicle, "Would you like me to call an ambulance",

I shot out of there like a cat out of hell, threw the porta pottie in through the door and drove off like the clappers before this person emerged from the loo and saw me.

It wasn't one of my best days.

Unquote.


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## 101578

(again) :lol: For all newbies ...enjoy! :lol: 8)


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## JohnsCrossMotorHomes

Pusser bought a Kayak from me a couple of months ago, I dread to think of what he will get up to in it after reading some of his antics!

Peter


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## locovan

Try and read it out loud to your partner ---Ray cant understand a word Im saying and I hurt from laughing
Daphne you are the best xxxxx


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## 95476

Pusser, fancy a run ashore when you return? Ex WE Tiff here pi**ing himself after reading the first chapter of your South France trip. Like the others, can't wait for chapter 2. Drop me a line shippers.


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## gaspode

ToneandSharone said:


> can't wait for chapter 2.


No need to wait, look here:
http://www.motorhomefacts.com/ftopict-8532-pussers.html+report
and here for part three:
http://www.motorhomefacts.com/ftopict-8566-pussers.html+report
But first read this one:
http://www.motorhomefacts.com/ftopict-251-pussers.html+report


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