# Mechanic v's Pilot



## Chrisv (Jun 10, 2007)

I never know if these things are true. 



Mechanic vs. Pilot
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. 


The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and 
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. 


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. 
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. 
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. 
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit. 
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield. 
S: Live bugs on back-order. 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. 


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. 
S: Evidence removed. 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. 
S: DME volume set to more believable level. 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. 
S: That's what friction locks are for. 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. 
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. 

P: Suspected crack in windshield. 
S: Suspect you're right.. 

P: Number 3 engine missing. 
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. 

P: Aircraft handles funny. 
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. 

P: Target radar hums. 
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit. 
S: Cat installed. 

And the best one for last................ 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. 
S: Took hammer away from midget.


Cheers
Chris


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## Jiggles (Apr 17, 2007)

Chris, as a pilot I can attest to the fact that remarks like that do get written up; now whether those particular remarks are all true, who knows, probably and anyway they are funnier if you believe that they are. ;-)
John


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## sallytrafic (Jan 17, 2006)

Pilots have to read a section in the log about any residual faults on the aircraft before accepting it.

One entry was 'Standby artificial horizon removed.'

Pilot snagged the aircraft as follows

'Hole in instrument panel'

Response was 'Pilot changed hole ok.'

I know this ones true I wrote the response.


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## foll-de-roll (Oct 29, 2007)

Hi Chris,


Enjoyed it. 


Why do people try to analyse or explain jokes away. 

A joke is always new to someone.


Andy


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## Tobysmumndad (Nov 12, 2007)

*Originally attributed to the United States Air Force*

Dons anorak to tell you that this one has been doing the rounds since Pontious was a pilot, and was originally attributed to the USAF. I have just received another rendition of it, and it's supposed to be UPS.

What I can quite categorically tell you that any QANTAS ground engineer writing up this sort of stuff in the Aircraft Technical Log - to give it its proper name - would very soon be having a one-sided interview with no tea and biccies, in his manager's office. QANTAS are a most strait-laced, picky, strictly-by-the book outfit, who are incredibly proud of never having a jet hull accident write off, let alone kill anybody. A Boeing 747-400 was in fact deemed to be an insurance write-off, having gone off the end of the runway at Bangkok, landing in a tropical downpour. QANTAS paid an inordinate sum of money - several times the hull value - to have it rebuilt, just to keep their 'clean sheet.' Note: although it stands for Queensland And Northern Territories Air Services it's QANTAS, without the 'U.'

OK, that's enough of the anorak stuff, you want an aviation joke? (Whoop, whoop ... sexist aviation joke alert!)

As you can imagine, London Heathrow is quite a complicated airport to taxi an aircraft around, especially when you're not familiar. Cue very officious, plummy-voiced female ground controller, busy time of day, someone takes a wrong turn, and suddenly two big jets are nose to nose with one another.
"Oops, hi there!" says an American voice "One of us has taken a wrong turn here, and now we're playing chicken."
Well, the lady controller gets in a right strop, and gives the aircraft that's gone the wrong way, a thirty-second tongue-lashing.
"Oh my!" says the American voice when she stops.
"Yes" says a tired British voice "And to think I come to work to get away from this sort of thing."

(There is a variation where the American voice says "Aw shucks, I'm sorry Maa'm. Tell me, were we ever married at any stage?)

:lol:


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## Jiggles (Apr 17, 2007)

Many remarks have been made in this situation and what follows was probably one of them . . .

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asks, "What was your last known position?" The reply:
"When I was number one for takeoff".

John


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## waz (Jan 5, 2008)

here 2 I like 
Lufthansa pilot waiting to take off was speaking in German, control told him to speak in English. Pilot said why, he was a German in Germany when a english pilot butted and said, because we won the war.

BA pilot was making a landing at Hamburg Airport and got it wrong. Air traffic control was having a rant at him and asked he he had not been to Hamburg before to which he replied yes twice in 1944 but it was a night and he did not need to land.

Waz


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## JohnsCrossMotorHomes (Jul 21, 2007)

See we have some ex pilots one here!

Ever done a flypast of Heathrow Control Tower at 100' QFE............

I have and legally. !

Peter


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

Yep! On a go-a-round!

Long time since we used QFE!

Now I know you are ex-pilot I may need to take more notice of Frank
( Sallytraffic)

Geoff (ex 737)


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## tony50 (Oct 16, 2007)

My son flew my wife and I by helicopter from Manston airport kent over London following the Thames Saturday, he turned round at Tower Bridge ,landed let me off as I had that travel sickness feeling , ( was no joke!) what made it worse is having to get over that they took off again, went further up the Thames and then the wife telling me how marverlous it was !!


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## skydiver (Jan 12, 2010)

Now you know why i jump out. Have you noticed one of the last signs you see when you board a aircraft is TERMINAL!


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## JohnsCrossMotorHomes (Jul 21, 2007)

skydiver said:


> Now you know why i jump out. Have you noticed one of the last signs you see when you board a aircraft is TERMINAL!


Flown loads of parachute jump flights including the Cross Channel one by 6 SAS guys.

25,000 feet over Dover Castle to Calais out of a Navajo PA31, took off from Manston and folowed them all the way to Calais clearing the airways above us as they descended.

Peter


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

Peter

How did you get a PA31 to 25,000? Plus 6 X SAS and parachutes?

Do tell

Geoff


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