# bodmin police



## backaxle (Nov 6, 2006)

----- Original Message ----- 
Sent: Monday, September 22, 2008 1:35 PM
Subject: Police Complaint

Bit of a long one - but well worth the read!

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This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public 
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....
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Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant 
???????

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Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these tw*ts that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?????????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department wit whom I am also in contact !!!

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## tonyt (May 25, 2005)

I didn't know Pusser lived in Bodmin


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## teemyob (Nov 22, 2005)

*Terrific*

Very funny, brought a lot of laughs to a miserable day.

Thanks,
Trev.

PS My user name should be broken up and not taken the wrong way. I am not a mmber of any gang and certainly not a yob. So please do not think I am one of the strange football game team.

TEE MYOB


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

backaxle said:


> ----- Original Message -----
> This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public


I have a copy sent to me 18 months ago of the self-same complaint which was sent to Leith Police in Edinburgh. 

Dougie.


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## Penquin (Oct 15, 2007)

Genuine or not, Leith or Bodmin does not matter it's a good laugh. I suspect we all wish we could have the wit to think of something similar when we do encounter frustrating delays.

Just to say we had our locked camping trailer stolen from behind locked gates one Sunday, the suspects were about 5 miles up the road loitering as more of the "great unwashed" but it took the police 4 months to get back to us and then they were more concerned that I had left my car registration plate on the back of it and that could be used in other crimes than the actual trailer theft.

It was a minor crime, probably not really significant but it did annoy us, particularly as it was not covered by our house insurance - they wriggled out of it!


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## tonyt (May 25, 2005)

The ineptitude of the police, real or imagined, certainly provides us with both laughs and frustrations.


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

tonyt said:


> The ineptitude of the police, real or imagined, certainly provides us with both laughs and frustrations.


Hoorah! It's been far too long. :lol:


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## Penquin (Oct 15, 2007)

I have just taken the time to have a look at the linked site mentioned on the bottom of asprn's last post;

www.ukcops.org

Please take the time to have a look at this site, it is well worth it and shows the true price we pay for our "men (and women) in blue". It is perhaps a sobering thought about how frequently they put themselves at risk of losing their life whenever they attend incidents.

Read about the Sponsored Cycle Ride and other events, and then think where would the rest of us be without their sacrifice ?

We may laugh at jokes such as the one above but please remember the true stories about their families that we rarely encounter.

Thank you to all of those prepared to serve society in this way. I am not connected to the police in any way, other than gratitude for what they do with the resources we give them and the restrictions we put on them. I would much rather encounter a police officer in the UK than any other country.


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## backaxle (Nov 6, 2006)

Did not mean to offend anybody,it was meant just to lghten things up and probably is not true anyway


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## tonyt (May 25, 2005)

backaxle said:


> Did not mean to offend anybody,it was meant just to lghten things up and probably is not true anyway


That's what Jokes & Trivia is all about - keep 'em coming.


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

backaxle said:


> Did not mean to offend anybody,it was meant just to lghten things up and probably is not true anyway


As per my PM, you didn't.  It's a good story, and made me smile (again). I think it was what followed that got Penquin out of bed. 

Dougie.


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