# white van man jokes



## annetony

saw this in the Sun this Morning it made me giggle, I may just get this book as its for a very good cause

The £2.49 book, which also features contributions from celebrities, is available now at DIY chain Wickes, with proceeds going to Leukaemia Research.

Here, TIM SPANTON picks out his favourite funnies from the men who keep Britain moving. 


A MAN studies his marriage certificate for hours until his wife asks: “What are you doing?” He says: “I can’t find the expiry date.”

BOBBY GEORGE
darts legend

BOY: “Dad, there’s a man at the door with a bald head.” Man: “Tell him I’ve already got one.”

D TURNER
Buckingham

MY mate Dirk gets around quickly on his hands and knees by fastening springs to them. It’s called four-sprung Dirk technique.

BRIAN WESTON
Wakefield

HAVE you heard about the dyslexic alcoholic? He choked on his own Vimto.

NEIL MORRISSEY
comic

WHAT do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

T QUINNELL
Kent

FIRST man: “I’m going to the doctor – I don’t like the look of my wife.” Second man: “I’ll come with you. I hate the sight of mine too.”

LEWIS PRINGLE
Winchester

HUSBAND on his way out: “Get your coat on.” Wife: “Am I coming with you?” Husband: “No, I’m turning the heating off.”

DESMOND QUINN
Coventry





HOW do you keep a fool in suspense? I’ll tell you later.

P WYATT
Banbury, Oxon

WHY did the scientist fit his front door with an old-fashioned knocker? He wanted to win a no-bell prize.

Mr BRINKWORTH
by email

WHAT’S the difference between the England football team and a tea bag? A tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Mr G
London

WHAT do you call two rows of cabbages? A dual cabbage way.

RUSSELL BELL
South Shields

WHY did the turkey cross the road? To prove it was no chicken.

Mrs P NEVILE
Yorkshire

I HAD a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He was well annoyed.

RICHARD McCOURT
(Dick, of TV’s Dick & Dom)

WHAT do Mexicans put under their carpet? Underlay, underlay.

P JENNISON
by email

WHAT did the scarf say to the hat? I’ll hang around, you go on ahead.

ERIC GREEN
Kent

HOW do you kill an entire circus? Go for the juggler.

C MOLLERI
Bristol

WOMEN have many faults. Men only have two: Everything they say and everything they do.

ANNE NICHOLSON
Allerton

WHO first sailed around the world single handed? Captain Hook.

Mr JONES
Christchurch

I’VE just been attacked by an agoraphobic skinhead. He said: “Oi you – inside.”

DEREK EADIE
Wales

AIR controller to pilot: “What height are you?” Pilot: “Six foot.”

J JACKSON 
by email

WHAT do you call a cat who eats a duck? A duck-filled-fatty-puss.



Anne


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