# Christmas Crackers



## Lesleykh (Apr 13, 2009)

I've been looking for a better class of joke to go in my crackers this year. These made me giggle, so I thought I'd share some.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin; 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot. 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. 

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. 

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown. 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

"I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” 
"Sod that! Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" 

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid........then I was petrified. 

The wife was counting all the 10p's and 20p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change." 

Local Police, hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. 

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it. 

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked." 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

Lesley


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## Camdoon (Sep 21, 2012)

Tim Vine specials by the look of them


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## HarleyDave (Jul 1, 2007)

Two parrots sitting on a perch

One says to the other

"Can you smell fish?"

Cheers

Dave


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## bognormike (May 10, 2005)

two old men sat in deckchairs; one said to the other "nice out, isn't it? ", the other one said "put it away there's someone coming"


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## Gretchibald (Jul 22, 2011)

This is my favorite joke , but you have to hear it in a Scottish accent to get it.

Jock and Hamish were having a meal in a restaurant , when the sweet trolly arrived Jock remarked " Oh is that a Pavlova or a Meringue ? "

" No , your right enough " replied Hamish.


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## Jimblob44 (Oct 26, 2013)

What do you call a guy who has one foot inside his house and one foot outside?

Hamish.

Jim.


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess
darling, I used to be a hooker!". He says "That's alright, dear. Your
past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me
about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Howard, and I played for Saracens!"


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## Bob44again (Aug 27, 2014)

bognormike said:


> two old men sat in deckchairs; one said to the other "nice out, isn't it? ", the other one said..."


Ho Ho Ho...

Alternative punch line: ... "Yes, I think I'll leave it out."


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