# Banking for Seniors



## Spacerunner (Mar 18, 2006)

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I 
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.



By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..



I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.



You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.



My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.



From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.



My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.



Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.



Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.



I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.



Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.



In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.



I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.



As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.



Let me level the playing field even further.



When you call me, press buttons as follows:



IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH



#1. To make an appointment to see me



#2. To query a missing payment.



#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.



#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.



#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.



#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.



#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.



#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9



#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.



The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.



While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.



Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.



May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?



Your Humble Client



And remember:



Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to **** us off.


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## Stanner (Aug 17, 2006)

Hmmm US spelling and terminology which "Times" was it published in?


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## brillopad (Mar 4, 2008)

LOVE IT


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## Spacerunner (Mar 18, 2006)

Stanner said:


> Hmmm US spelling and terminology which "Times" was it published in?


ITS A PIGGING JOKE!!!!!!!!

:roll: :roll:


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

I love it but my bank still gave me 60 days to find another bank and would not discuss the reasons it dumped me.

They do kinda have the upper hand.

Ray.


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## Kev1 (Apr 4, 2011)

So!!!!!!!

Can i send it to MY bank
and does it work lol


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## ched999uk (Jan 31, 2011)

raynipper said:


> I love it but my bank still gave me 60 days to find another bank and would not discuss the reasons it dumped me.
> 
> They do kinda have the upper hand.
> 
> Ray.


If it's a UK bank you can make their life a little difficult. Use a Data Protection Act request to get ALL information the bank possesses about you. If that doesn't contain any document detailing the reasoning for the 60 days then they have not given you all the information that relates to you personally and as such they have broken the law. You can then report them to the Data Commissionaire who can, but probably wont fine them.

I know you don't really get anything out of it but at least you get the satisfaction that you have caused them some hassle in return for the hassle they caused you


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

Thanks Ched.
Would love to but the bank was Nat West Jersey. Not sure it's covered by DPA.
I did put in a formal complaint to the Jersey Banking Ombudsman. But that was a waste of a stamp.

Ray.


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