# What a literate bunch we Brits truly are!



## Sonesta (May 10, 2005)

The following are genuine extracts from actual letters of complaints that have been sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK from some of their tenants!

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **** wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it,

… and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Sue


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## Rislar (Aug 16, 2008)

8O :lol: Nice, copy and paste time me thinks


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## SaddleTramp (Feb 15, 2007)

I have always liked this famous quote by Max Miller made years ago on Live Radio. OOOOppppps

I was making my way along a really narrow path on the edge of a cliff face that was only wide enough for one person. Suddenly half-way up, an attractive red-head was walking towards me. I didn't know whether to toss myself off or block her passage.

Boom Boom


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## Sonesta (May 10, 2005)

Dead funny aren't they Rislar? But surely they could not possibly have read what they wrote back to themselves ........ or could they? :roll: 

Sue


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## Sonesta (May 10, 2005)

SaddleTramp said:


> I have always liked this famous quote by Max Miller made years ago on Live Radio. OOOOppppps
> 
> I was making my way along a really narrow path on the edge of a cliff face that was only wide enough for one person. Suddenly half-way up, an attractive red-head was walking towards me. I didn't know whether to toss myself off or block her passage.
> 
> Boom Boom


ROFL :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Rislar (Aug 16, 2008)

Sonesta said:


> Dead funny aren't they Rislar? But surely they could not possibly have read what they wrote back to themselves ........ or could they? :roll:
> 
> Sue


Very , its amazing how many dont read there own scribbles back :lol:

Steve


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## Sonesta (May 10, 2005)

A conversation overheard on a London bus:

First Woman: "I don't know what to get Fred for his birthday." 
Second Woman: "Why don't you get him a book?" 
First Woman: (after a moment's thought) "Nah, he's already got a book." 

Hee hee! :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Sue


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## tincan (Jul 31, 2006)

There is a series of books called "overheard in Dublin" Galway etc. Full of howlers like these

Noel


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## LazyRover (Apr 13, 2008)

I've always said that starting to teach English to four old Russians is probably a year or two too early.


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## eddied (May 9, 2005)

*Literate or not*

 Love it. Got this from no. 1 son in Galway:
A Mother's Letter :
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved.
Your father has got a lovely new job, with more than 500 men under him.
He cuts the grass at the local cemetery.
I went to the doctor on Wednesday, and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth, and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish Whiskey at one of Dublin's distillerys. Some of his workmates tried desperately to save him but he fought them off bravely. We had him cremated and it took 3 days to put the fire out.
We had a letter from the undertaker on Monday. He said if the last payment on your grandmothers plot wasn't paid in 7 days, up she comes.
Your loving mother.

P.S. I was going to send you £20 but I've already sealed the envelope.

+++++
A few more from Galway:
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my Mum & Dad.

In case of fire do not use the lifts. Try a fire extinguisher.

Danger - touching these cables will result in death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

When the water reaches 27 Celsius, take the temperature.

Closed for official opening.

Garda move in book case.

Spare our trees, they break wind.

80% of Irish priests take the Irish Times. The other 20% buy it.

saluti,
eddied


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