# Van Bitz Bitz



## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

Last night Porky and I arrived back home under the cover of darkness. Porky was now sporting a 40cm high blister on the roof and I wish I had gone for a pair of the optional Browning 0.303 machine guns to turn Porky into a mean machine. 

Tucked neatly alongside the tailgunner was a smart looking box with the word WACO on it advertising the ideal place to visit for a good seige and massacre.

One of these fittings was attached to a Box with a selection of satellites and this in turn was attached to another box which had more stations on it than the entire European rail network and was hidden neatly away in an overhead locker.

The once empty TV arm now sported a 17 inch flat screen with magic eye that enables the remote still to work with the overhead locker fully closed. And I have another remote to operate the air con from in bed and choose from a range of options from a timer, to tempreature, to air flow and I think it does on and off too. Wicked.

Up front somewhere hidden and just waiting to wail is the Strikeback alarm system, and prior to me sticking on a wad of labels supplied is only evidenced by two little leds flashing out the bonnet, one on top of the dashboard and one on Porkys bum. This comes with a choice of two remotes to set the alarm and upset it. And finally, and I am not sure where it is, I have a Battery Master and still puzzled as to what it does and I think with my apptitude for technical understanding, I prefer to stay 
puzzled.

My journey in deceit started some time ago trying to work out what I thought was necessary and what the missus thought was necessary. I wrote my list down the left hand side of some paper and wrote her one item on the right. I could see at once a discrepancy which could only be overcome by me stamping my male dominance on this issue and not telling her.

With some trepidation, and perhaps a final look at my testicles, I put the order in and immediately caused nausea and dispondancy as I simply could not work out how the quote came to the figures it did and Nukes and Van Bitz battled to rectify the matter but simply confused me even more so I gave up trying to get things to add up and just went for it.

And so on Tuesday morning I arrived with Porky and Nick kindly dropped me off at National car rental where I hired a Peugot 207 and parted with just over £800 for the two days I had booked it. I have to say that it was some years ago that I last hired out a car and if memory serves I only had to part with £60 for two days of hire. That's inflation for you. Nice car to drive although if you put your foot down, very little, if anything, happens. Next time I go to Van Bitz for anything, I will probably buy a car rather than hire one. It will be less outlay.

I had two wonderful days with Mum and we sat outside the care home for most of the two days, having our lunches and teas in glorious sunshine. Mum actually got a tan on her arms but ignored my suggestion that she should have put her bikini on.

I returned the 207 to National and they promised me the deposit for insurance and petrol would be immediately refunded to my credit card and then they kindly dropped me off back to Vanbitz leaving me with a theoretical bill of approx £75 for the two days hire.

Nick came out and took me around and in Porky explaining what they have done and how it works. A most comprehensive tour and even though I have not a technical eye, I could see the work that had been done could not possibly reach a higher standard than what it was. There is even a "thingy" that I can plug in or out near the rear bumper that I can wrap around i.e. a bike and it will become part of the Strikeback defense system at the flick of a switch in the drivers cab. I wish I had this gadget when I was younger as could have tied the kids to it and gone for a nap in confidence.

I was also able to introduce myself to Eddie and I believe Mrs. Bitz who appears to be in charge of anything money related; a similar system to what we have here. The company abounds with friendly and helpful people and the adjoining campsite is spotless. I went for a test wee in the campsite bog and this was truly immaculate so a good place to stop if in the area. There are neatly laid out pitches with hookup and disposal points for all types of sh*t so RV's are well catered for as well as the low caste tuggers.

So far, a most happy experience and some stuff for me to read up on and twiddle when I get the time. Just the missus to sort out today at some point so please pray for me.


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## 101075 (Sep 22, 2006)

Boys toys, don't you just love em. Nice one Pusser a nice lot of new kit to play with, have fun.


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## whistlinggypsy (May 1, 2005)

All you need to do now pusser is find a nice field to park up in for a couple of weeks and read all the manual's.

A real good setup, enjoy and happy travelling.

Bob


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

I forgot to say that as I wanted to pay part credit card and part debit card, my credit card was refused because the donation to National Car Rental had not been taken off immediately so I had to drain my current account. I shall be going bananas as soon as office hours arrive.


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## DABurleigh (May 9, 2005)

>Boys' toys & remotes in bed<

Women just don't understand man's desire to twiddle knob and buttons while lying in bed.

Dave


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

I also forgot to mention the reversing camera which give you the facility to watch your accidents in glorious colour. 8)


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## Minerva (May 22, 2006)

Pusser

Is this the order (i.e. detlays between items) that one will tell/show the other half the things you have fitted :wink: 

Enjoy the toys

Bill


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

Minerva said:


> Pusser
> 
> Is this the order (i.e. detlays between items) that one will tell/show the other half the things you have fitted :wink:
> 
> ...


I think things will happen quite naturally. Missus looks out of bedroom window and sees roof has changed, namely one huge bubble and a box have appeared.

2... Missus will make casual enquiry at to how they got there.
3...I will reply with as yet, unknown excuse.
4...She will ask how much did all this cost.
5.... I will pluck a finger out of the air that will avoid injury.
6.... Shortly after that I will visit A&E with high pitched voice problem.

It is unknown terrority when she goes inside and sees the monitor for the reversing camera but on the plus side, the Battery Master I am sure will not cause any issues because neither she nor I know where it is. 8)


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## Grizzly (May 9, 2005)

Thank you Pusser. The NHS should give copies of your musings instead of prescriptions for anti-depressants. They do me good anyway.

I thought for one glorious moment that you'd parted with £800 for all the bits you'd had fitted. I'd just picked up the keys for a quick trip to the Van Bitzerie when I carried on reading. Dream on !

G


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## eddievanbitz (May 1, 2005)

> picked up the keys for a quick trip to the Van Bitzerie


Hi Grizzly, loved the expression "Van Bitzerie" may I use it 

Pusser, thank you for your kind comments, and yes you are right Mrs Bitz controls the money I just get pocket money if I have been a good boy.

Good luck with the smoking by the way, is it public now that you are giving up? Opps it is now. I am on day three with no ciggy, it's easy


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## 98452 (Apr 2, 2006)

Pusser how much did the hire car cost?


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

RR said:


> Pusser how much did the hire car cost?


£73.50 was the final bill (two days) but unfortunately, the other £700 is still stuck on my credit card and I cannot get it unstuck at present despite phoning up bank. They say it may take 2 days so I was at best, a tad deceived.


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

eddievanbitz said:


> > picked up the keys for a quick trip to the Van Bitzerie
> 
> 
> Hi Grizzly, loved the expression "Van Bitzerie" may I use it
> ...


I was thinking Van Bustiere was even better. It conjures up security, pleasure, support, careful handling and wishful thinking all in one. 8)

Get me pills this afternoon and I read on the internet that one of the side affects is increased sexual desire. Could be something in it as the neighbours cat ran a mile when I went to stroke it and normally it is quite happy to receive a bit of fuss.


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

DABurleigh said:


> >Boys' toys & remotes in bed<
> 
> Women just don't understand man's desire to twiddle knob and buttons while lying in bed.
> 
> Dave


In my minds eye, I can see you now. 8O


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

IT IS DONE. I thought there was no way I could escape from telling the absolute truth, except the price, and asked the missue to go inside Porky and see if she noticed anything different.

Well, she did. She noticed a lot of differences. I was poised to make an escape out the back door and over the fence but she came out laughing. When I say laughing I it was sort of a high pitched laughter.

"She what I do to make your life as comfortable as possible," I said, smiling in a benevolent sort of way.

Unexpectedly she asked, "How much did all this cost."

"If I bought you a diamond darling, would you still ask me how much it cost." I retorted smugly.

"No," she admitted, "Only which bank did you rob?"

Bottom line is we are both very happy bunnies and looking forward very much to going to Corny on Monday and trying everything out.

So a big thank you to Nukes, Eddie, Nick and the engineers who actually did the work


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## nukeadmin (Oct 10, 2003)

glad we got you there eventually Puss, and that the SWMBO hasn't removed certain appendages to use as decoration within the van YET


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## mangothemadmonk (Aug 6, 2006)

Have a great trip Pusser. I hope the sun shines for you matey.

Johnny F


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

mangothemadmonk said:


> Have a great trip Pusser. I hope the sun shines for you matey.
> 
> Johnny F


 There for the grace of God I still have something for the sun to shine out of.


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

nukeadmin said:


> glad we got you there eventually Puss, and that the SWMBO hasn't removed certain appendages to use as decoration within the van YET


I too am amazed I got away with it. Might try it again soon on air springs. It is a lesson to us all. Honesty is the best policy as long as you don't mention prices. 8)


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## Motorhomersimpson (May 9, 2005)

Good for you pusser, you will love all the gadgets you now have fitted...perhaps we should call you gadgetman in the future  

Pleased to read your wife did not make you take it all back  now that would have been a tale to tell.

MHS...Rob


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## Scotjimland (May 23, 2005)

Well done Pusser .. 
Lots of toys play with .. however, I foresee tons of new posts in the accessories forums .. :lol:


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## bigfoot (May 16, 2005)

Well done Puss. My significant other has an amazing skill to relate costs to other household items.
An example video camera=new curtains, SatNav=washing machine,
All I can be grateful for certain items are pocketable which can be hidden from view some of them she doesn't understand until so called mates blab!!
Must go now time to change my wound dressing!!


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## spykal (May 9, 2005)

Pusser said:


> IT IS DONE. I thought there was no way I could escape from telling the absolute truth,


Well done Puss ..you know it makes sense...telling Porkie Pies about Porkie's toys is not on is it? :lol:

Have a good shakedown week away.

Keep taking the tablets :lol:

Mike


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