# Homework



## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Well we've had our grandson living with ur Sun to Friday

Along with his dog

Albert has sat with him 2 hours every night 

But it's getting harder

He doesn't really want to know

Sunday he doesn't turn up till late

Past the time Albert can help

I'm up before 7am to ensure he is at school, showered,his choice, fresh sandwich, and breakfast

But it's not working

Homework is a chore he won't engage in, and it takes so much time:crying:

Do I need to just give up on this grandchild?

Unfortunately we are getting old

His home life is not organised

But I raised his mum, one of six

Don't ask me how, I can't understand the chaos in their lives and I can't change it

Really depressed, we tried, obviously not enough

Sandra


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

Sometimes specialist care is needed Sandra, I was terrible as a child, I picked up English etc fairly well, but anything else I didn't want to know, I would skip school as often as I could get away with it, I was a real wrongun til I got into my Twenties and met the right girl, then I started to turn my life around, I'm still far from what I would call a well adjusted adult (or any other kind) but I'm okay, I could eventually hold down a job and even had a couple of businesses one of which is still running with my ex business partner.

People are a bit like water we each find our own level.


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## JanHank (Mar 29, 2015)

Has he been asked what he would like Sandra? Are you expecting too much from him.
Maybe your all pushing him into a place he doesn´t want to be. 
Don´t give up, love him, show him you care, draw him too you don´t push him away by being too demanding.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Jan I'd never push him away

He came because he wanted to

The school was becoming heavy

His granddad specialised in working with failing kids 

But he's used to chaos , he is not happy with it but it allows him to do as he likes

And he doesn't like catching up on missed homework or study

He likes the quite atmosphere, his breakfast ready, his books sorted, his uniform ready each day, an evening meal 

But bless him he hasn't realised that that comes at a price

He agreed he wanted to turn around his school life, two hours a day

Without Albert sitting with him he doesn't do it 
And Albert can't sit with him for ever

Sandra


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## JanHank (Mar 29, 2015)

Don´t take notice of me Sandra, I´ve never had children so what do I know :frown2:, its just that you seem so upset gal I would help if I could 
X Jan


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## Jmdarr (Oct 9, 2013)

how old is he Sandra.


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## cabby (May 14, 2005)

Find out what he would like to do when leaving school, then show him what qualifications he needs to gain that and over what period of time.Then tell him that you will help him to live his dream but he has to help himself and you as well, it cannot be all one sided. He is at that age, I dare not tell you what I was like.:laugh:


cabby
we were Teddy Boys in those days.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Jmdarr said:


> how old is he Sandra.


He is 15

We just bought him an Xbox, thinking it was something he could enjoy after his homework

Think it's something he'd rather enjoy instead of his homework:crying:

Sandra


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## MEES (Apr 20, 2006)

Sandra I'm surely know you can't put an old head on young shoulders.
Every credit for trying but perhaps you are trying too hard.
Of my four children non would work or do homework voluntarily or by me pushing it
( one always starts off encouraging hut faced with intransigence it's difficult to sustain)
I myself was little better but able enough to by without working too hard.
It's worth noting that no matter how successful you are with other children your own flesh and blood are something different.
We paid for Joanne to be tutored to get her through maths. I could have done it myself but probably would have strangled her!
Two hours a night is quite a lot ( for both Alberts) if he is not keen. Could it be split up in yo two shorter sessions.
It may be necessary to let him fail as self motivation is the only way. He is probably only too aware that the rest of the family is more academic.
What does he enjoy doing?
Sadly at his age 'nothing' is usually the answer.
He needs a good woman ( no you&#55357;&#56883 at the back of him
Good Luck.
Margaret


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## vicdicdoc (May 14, 2005)

Tough love is now needed, we had the nearly the same problem, in the end we had to give up as it was causing to much stress in our lives - he's got to come to his own realisation,
. Give him a leave date to go make his way in the world on his own


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## dghr272 (Jun 14, 2012)

Sandra,

You have both done your best, time to call a halt.

I reckon he saw you as the soft caring touch you both are and is now taking the wee wee.

Explain the reason to him and apply the tough love, sometimes when it's sink or swim teenage boys find their own stroke, then take care of yourselves.

Terry


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

It's probabally right

Margaret two hrs X5 is a bare minimum he can do, he's trying to catch up a year of neglect

It's not two hrs of blood and sweat, Albert works along side him, of the two Albert's more tired, and I prepare the evening meal alone, feed the two dogs 

By just after 6 his meal is ready and the rest of the evening is his 

But we can't make him catch up , and it's not possible anyway unless he wants too 

Trouble is he will return to arriving late every day to school, here he just has to get up and showered, breakfast is ready,books are packed ,and he has made headway at least In the schools eyes

At the end it's his choice, we won't be here in sept oct to take him through, and without effort on his part he will go back to poor attendance, poor achievement and possibally exclusion

But I guess we can't win them all

Sandra


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## suedew (May 10, 2005)

Sandra, sometimes we can try too hard for our families, there comes a time when we need to put the responsibility where it should be, right on their shoulders, not easy, I know, but you and Albert have enough on your plate as it is, give all of you a break and chill.

Sue x


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Sue you're right

I'm loath to give up on him, but getting up at seven each morning, caring for two dogs, catering for a teenager who doesn't like what we eat, washing his clothes and clearing up after him loses its attraction if it isn't achieving results 

We are tired by 5ish and ready to wind down , prepare our evening meal together and have a glass of wine

Now Albert starts homework, I prepare the meal (s) alone

Unfortunately age is catching up with us, we don't have the energy or resilience we once had, that's not his fault it's just a fact of life

Sandra


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## cabby (May 14, 2005)

There is no way that you will get him to improve, you are much too good to the boy, so good that he expects it and takes you all for granted, plus you reward him for nothing with an expensive present. What signals does that tell him.

Tell him that you are fed up with his lazy ways and promise to send him home if he does not pull his weight.

I bet you make his bed for him as well, does he do the dishes after dinner or help around the house, or do you not ask him.

cabby

sorry but I feel that he is running you both into the ground and that is just not fair.


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

My brother was a senior teacher in a very rough school. When he arrived there the girls were on the game and the boys were organising it 


He was a sports teacher and he was often given the "no hopers" to deal with. The idea is that these children must find something that motivates them in life. They then work back from there. If making money motivates them then they need to learn about numbers. If being a soccer star motivates them they need to learn discipline to be part of a team.


I remember him telling me about a boy that was failing at everything the school tried with him. He was passed to my brother to find some sort of sport that he was good at. The idea being that they must never leave school having failed at everything. Try as he might my brother could not engage this boy in any of the sports. One day he was packing stuff away and musing on his weekend of golf he had planned. The problem boy came into his mind and he had a brainwave. He asked the boy to meet him at the golf course and caddy for him. That was it! The boy was fascinated and got a job as a caddy. It was something completely out of his ordinary world and it engaged him. 


With me it was horses. I was from a council estate and we had no spare money but I worked weekends and holidays to be near them. I then made it my business to get the O levels I needed to train as a vet nurse. The one I failed at school I did at evening classes while holding down a demanding job an hour's journey from home. It was all about motivation. 


Your grandson just needs to find that "thing" that motivates him. It is there somewhere, we just need to think outside the box sometimes.


If he loves dogs would your grandson like to work with them? He could start by volunteering at a rescue centre/animal sanctuary. If he takes to it then there are lots of different kinds of jobs to choose from. Racing stables, kennels etc. My daughter was going to be an animal physiotherapist. It required her to train first as a human physio (I know!). She got the qualifications and did the course, got her degree, and stayed with the humans!


Look after yourself.


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## MEES (Apr 20, 2006)

Forgot to say all my kids have done very well in their own chosen fields in their own time 
The last Joanne is about tho graduate with a 1st in nursing ( she is 29 )
She has ' messed about' until 24. Finally when she realised she was in a 'dead end, ' she worked what she really wanted to do and focused.
It was a much tougher road for her ( and us) than if she had focused at 15 !
The 3 boys went down the engineering apprenticeship route where other adult men licked them in to shape.
They all have very strong characters.
He will make his own way in his own time 
Margaret


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## GMJ (Jun 24, 2014)

There is some good advice on this forum already. 

I would add to it by asking if any investigation has been done regarding why he is not engaging with education. Has it always been this way or is it something that has evolved/happened? Is there some underlying causal effect that is holding him back? Has he received Academic Support assessment? Has he been screened for dyslexia/dyspraxia?

Failing all of that the advice regarding trying to find out what pushes his buttons, is good. Linking life with an interest can help to engage.

Managing all parties expectations is good as well. If you can find out what he wants just purely concentrate on that even to the extent that other non -core activities fall away. I am a great believer in tailoring education like this as securing some wins in some areas is much better than trying to flog the dead horse across all subjects. This will also help you: having even one 'win' is a great morale booster for all and can then be built upon.

Also the realisation that the support/help cannot always be there if he is not willing to participate may also help. This is the tough love angle but sometimes it is needed.

Ultimately Sandra some kids will not engage despite all your efforts. Trust me I know...I teach them now. There is only so much you can do and it does not reflect on you.

Lastly to give you some comfort, we see young people who didn't engage well go back into education later in life, all the time. They eventually have a realisation that they need to do more if they want more...so hope is not lost. He can re engage in education at any stage in his life and then secure qualifications etc. Its not ideal but it isn't the end of the world. Sometimes they need a life kick up the arse to see what's what

Please don't let it drag you down though.

Graham :serious:


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

I have learning difficulties which would now be recognised as something or other, I can read perfectly well, and my spelling and grammar are if not good, at least acceptable so I get by, but learning from a written page at all is very difficult, reading a book, once the page is turned it's gone, I was told once I mercurial which about some it up, but show me something and I can grasp it, show me a few more times and it will go in and stay, but I could read it forever and just be wasting my time, I learn most stuff nowadays by watching YouTube videos to ge the basics down then try to improve on them by watching more intense videos, it's just my way of making the old bonce work.

My dad had no patience with me as he was a scholar and total T**T, my mother had a little more, but once I could read they both expected me to be able to figure it all out, I'd have been better of in care I reckon.

I had a puncture on my bike, I was about 10, I'd no idea how to fix it so my dad did it, then the git took the tyre off and told me to do it myself, as said a total T*** I was 10.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

You do fine Kev :kiss:

The problem with young Albert is his total disregard for all school rules

Left to himself He arrives at school as and when he gets round to it, never does homework, detention well he doesn't turn up 

The school are very patient, all say he is a lovely lad, and he is popular and likeable. 

He's not disruptive in any way, he just is not interested in exams, school work, homework

But of course his attendance is marked down with his late appearances and he is close to being excluded 

Says only he wants to go into the Marines, why he thinks he needs no exam results for that I don't know 

He is of normal intelligence, when he does his homework with Albert he's quick to grasp things, but without one to one attention he wouldn't bother 

He sees no reason to revise or revisit work done through the the year, as far as he's concerned it's done and dusted and no doubt forgotten :frown2:

Maybe he will find his way as he gets older, but unfortunately he still has to attend college when he finishes school next year 

But we can't live his life for him

Sandra


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## ChrisandJohn (Feb 3, 2008)

Sandra, I think change takes time and sometimes is a question of two steps forward and one back. I would think he is benefiting from the structure and lack of chaos, and of course your love, but you may not see the results yet. So, I think carry on but perhaps reduce or change your expectations and make sure that whatever you and big Albert are offering by way of support is what you can actually manage to keep up with. There is lots of good advice in the posts above.

From my experience doing fostering or lodgings for adolescents in care, and later working in a residential rehab unit for people with mental health problems, the course of change is rarely straightforward. Officially you may be working on an agreed programme but many ways can be found to sabotage this and push at the boundaries, perhaps to test your commitment or through lack of self-belief or self-esteem. In my work the 'programme' of agreed things to work on often took a back seat while the barriers to change were identified and explored. This could probably only happen because of the trust that had been built up in the relationship by sticking with it in spite of the setbacks. Often things were then revealed such as abuse or issues of sexuality that they didn't feel safe to reveal before, then the work could really start. Often, as a result, the agreed work, whether is was to stop self-harming or work on developing life skills would then fall into place as it was a symptom of a problem that was now being resolved.

I'm not suggesting there is anything of this nature with young Albert, just that it takes time to make changes, especially if the 'official' goal for change is not the main motivating factor for the person concerned. And, it's the relationship and the trust in it that matters.


Chris


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

Take a look at this for your grandson


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

They are looking for reservists


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