# The lovely Samantha



## Remus

Listeners to Radio 4's "I'm sorry I haven't a clue" will be familiar with the lovely Samantha who does the team scores. Every week Samantha would tell Humphrey Lyttelton, and lately Jack Dee, of her plans for the day. These plans, when read out, would sound utterly filthy, yet, the programme went out around midday so there was never so much as a swear word.

Here's three examples

Samantha is a qualified croupier and often works at an exclusive Soho club where gamblers pay top money to roulette all day and poker all night.

Samantha is just off now to her vehicle maintenance evening class where she says she's keen to strip down a little Austin for a full service.

Samantha has to leave now as she's hosting a traditional Cockney music and dance night with a pearly king and queen at a nearby pub. All the locals are saying they can't wait to see her knees up around the King's Head.


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## erneboy

I've just received this note from Samantha to say she's been delayed meeting a gentleman beekeeper friend near Warrington. Samantha's just started keeping bees herself and has three dozen or so, and she says her friend's an expert handler. Apparently he carefully takes out her 38 bees, and soon has them flying around his head.

From here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1294172/quotes

Great show, but I miss Humph. He was a renowned Purveyor of High Class Filth, Alan.


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## Kev1

Radio 4's
Sorry I haven't a clue (is brilliant and humph is greatly missed recently it's become too much of a Jack Dee promotion event
but all in all it's brilliant.
Just a minute is also another wonderful programme.


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## Remus

One of Humph's best was (I'm paraphrasing so apologies if I get some things wrong).

"After the Norman conquest the Normans began to spread their culture. They had difficulty pronouncing the letter S when it started a word so they simply dropped it from town names. Thus Snottingham became Nottingham. They carried on doing this as they moved North. They were finally persuaded to stop after vociferous protests from the good citizens of S****horpe."


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## Glandwr

Just received a letter from a Mrs Trellis of N Wales. Can you stop all these smutty references please.

Dick


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## brynric

To bring this back to a motorhome theme, does anyone know of wild-camping near Mornington Crescent?


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## Bigusdickus

'...Samantha's away this week, she's entertaining her Italian cousin from Naples. Yesterday she took him to the seaside for an ice cream as there's nothing she likes better than licking the nuts off a large neapolitan....'

Still crying with laughter... and I typed this!

Bd..


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## uncleswede

(also paraphrasing...)
'And this week we are in Brighton, one of Samantha's favourite towns on the windy south coast. And there's nothing she likes better than a quick blow on the seafront...'


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## raynipper

brynric said:


> To bring this back to a motorhome theme, does anyone know of wild-camping near Mornington Crescent?


Ahhhh Haaaaa................. thats a goodun.... :lol: :lol: 

Ray.


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## caulkhead

Always been a fan of ISIHAC and I agree its not quite the same without Humph. Cant contribute to the Samantha thread but I always remember hearing the guest list for the Carpet Fitters Ball which included,

Mr and Mrs Wallcarpeting, and their son Walter..........................

Walter Wallcarpeting........... :lol: :lol: :lol: 

I am also a BIG fan of the Janet and John stories on Wogan. As with the Samantha tales it was, if you chose to see it that way, complete filth, OR, totally innocuous inanity. I preferred the unadulterated filth myself..........  

Caulkhead


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## BritStops

"...and on to our next round, called Sound Charades. This is loosely based on the popular TV show "Give Us A Clue" where contestants had to mime titles of books, songs or films against a strict time limit. The master of the genre was undoubtedly Lionel Blair, and who will ever forget him, exhausted and on his knees, finishing off "An Officer and a Gentleman".

Humph's straight as a die delivery caught you out every time.

Steve


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## Stanner

Glandwr said:


> Just received a letter from a Mrs Trellis of N Wales. Can you stop all these smutty references please.
> 
> Dick


I thought you were Mrs Trellis........


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## Stanner

caulkhead said:


> Always been a fan of ISIHAC and I agree its not quite the same without Humph. Cant contribute to the Samantha thread but I always remember hearing the guest list for the Carpet Fitters Ball which included,
> 
> Mr and Mrs Wallcarpeting, and their son Walter..........................
> 
> Walter Wallcarpeting........... :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> I am also a BIG fan of the Janet and John stories on Wogan. As with the Samantha tales it was, if you chose to see it that way, complete filth, OR, totally innocuous inanity. I preferred the unadulterated filth myself..........
> 
> Caulkhead


I can't remember what function it was, but there was one attended by Mr & Mrs Balls and their daughter Ophelia, their son Claude could not attend as he was in hospital.


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## rogerblack

caulkhead said:


> Always been a fan of ISIHAC and I agree its not quite the same without Humph. Cant contribute to the Samantha thread but I always remember hearing the guest list for the Carpet Fitters Ball which included,
> Mr and Mrs Wallcarpeting, and their son Walter..........................
> Walter Wallcarpeting........... :lol: :lol: :lol: . . . Caulkhead


I do love these - Chic Murray did similar as deadpan special event announcements at his shows, e.g.

"This is a wee request for a Happy Wedding Anniversary to Mrs Butter who is in the audience tonight - it's from her husband Roland."

"So it's best wishes to Mr and Mrs Roland Butter"

I actually know a Mrs Mattick and once asked her if she had a son called Otto by any chance. Went straight over her head but several others present chuckled - obviously ISIHAC fans . . .

The Samantha stuff has me in tears of laughter; I no longer listen to ISIHAC whilst driving, it's too dangerous . . .


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## Phil42

Thanks for the thread, it's brought it all back.

I can see why they chose Jack Dee - he is quick and does deadpan well - but really Humph's proved irreplaceable. Similarly, I like Jamie Cullen and he's quite knowledgeable about jazz, but I do miss Humph's 'Best of Jazz' - didn't always listen to it but wish I had as it introduced me to so much great music.

Mrs Trellis's letters were always addressed to any broadcaster but Humph. As with Samantha, you always knew what to expect so I can't explain why it was SO funny - but it was.


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## Remus

brynric said:


> To bring this back to a motorhome theme, does anyone know of wild-camping near Mornington Crescent?


Wild camping? No. But there's a CL right next to it. Start at Piccadilly, then go to Cockfosters (Swift owners must go via Amos Grove to avoid infringing rule 5), then Canary Wharf, Embankment and Fairlop ((without stopping or you will receive the M&S S&M punishment (rule 19) which basically means having a high-quality, very large cream bun inserted by a huge sadistic nun)). You are nearly there now, just Kingsbury, Paddington (avoiding the ladies along the kerb), Ruislip Manor, Pimlico and then Mornington Crescent, the CL is just on your right (unfortunately a right turn at this point will infringe rules 4a, 4b and 91 to 107 inclusive and will send you back to Fairlop - where Sister Sadistimus will be waiting with a fresh bun). Do write a review for MHF when you can walk properly again.


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## KeithChesterfield

Samantha has to nip off to the National Opera where she's been giving private tuition to the singers. Having seen what she did to the baritone, the director is keen to see what she might do for a tenor!

Samantha's baking instructor - "Popped her bread rolls straight into his mouth and he's promised to try her muffin next week". 

Samantha's builder - "She was pleased to see his tender won, but was startled when it suddenly grew to twice its size"

Samantha does a few chores for an elderly gentleman who lives nearby.
She shows him how to use the washing machine and then prunes his fruit trees. 
Later he'll hang out his pyjamas as he watches her beaver away up a ladder!

:wav: :wav: :wav:


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## Frantone

*ISIHAC*

Lyttletons Britain is available on Kindle. 
It is a compilation of the introductions to each episode which were about the city or town from which the broadcast came.
Very funny!


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## Remus

Recently Samantha has been down to the gramophone library researching some records, assisted by Chalky White and Curly Smith the two kindly old archivists. Samantha was saying she'd been helping them re-arrange their work rostas recently. Chalky was getting a bit worried that she would reduce his overtime shift but, as you can imagine, his despair turned to delight when he saw her shorten Curly's.


....... She also does little errands for them like nipping out to fetch their sandwiches. Their favourite is cheese and chutney but they never object if she palms them off with relish.


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## KeithChesterfield

Samantha has to nip off to a Welsh Conservative Association dinner for their most senior MP, whose name is said to be impossible to pronounce. She's certainly found the longest standing Welsh member a bit of a mouthful!

After tasting the meat pies, Samantha said she liked Mr Dewhurst's beef in ale; although she preferred his tongue in cider!

:wav: :wav: :wav:


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## uncleswede

As usual, Samantha was down in the BBC Gramophone Library collecting the teams' records for [Pick Up Song]. It's pitch-black down there, so Samantha and the elderly archivist have taken to searching the shelves by candlelight, which can be messy. So while Samantha passes down the discs, the nice man holds the ladder while he cleans the dust and _wax_ off in the dark...


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## alexblack13

I am wondering what the hell I have joined into.. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Nuts. All of you.... :lol: :lol: 

Hilariaye.. (Scottish word)...

ab


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## aldra

I have now dropped over two stone and a lot of years

Who the hell is this Samantha

unless BarryD is careful with his diet and ups his exercise I will need to look for a new toy boy

An, you have joined a totally mad site, if you have paid your membership tough you are stuck for a year :lol:  

how old are you :lol: :lol: 

Aldra


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## Stanner

alexblack13 said:


> I am wondering what the hell I have joined into.. :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> Nuts. All of you.... :lol: :lol:
> 
> Hilariaye.. (Scottish word)...
> 
> ab


I'm so sorry you haven't a clue what we are all on about. :wink:

Hopefully someone won't hesitate to come online in just a minute and explain it all to you without repeating anything that has already been said or deviating too far off topic. :roll:


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## uncleswede

I can just hear Humph delivering this...

Samantha accompanied me down to the gramophone archive this morning incidentally, where she quickly uncovered some of the _greatest hits_ ever - and what a treat for my old ears they were...


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## alexblack13

Oh I know whats what... Yoos are still nuts... :lol: 

AB


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## ChrisandJohn

Stanner said:


> alexblack13 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I am wondering what the hell I have joined into.. :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> Nuts. All of you.... :lol: :lol:
> 
> Hilariaye.. (Scottish word)...
> 
> ab
> 
> 
> 
> I'm so sorry you haven't a clue what we are all on about. :wink:
> 
> Hopefully someone won't hesitate to come online in just a minute and explain it all to you without repeating anything that has already been said or deviating too far off topic. :roll:
Click to expand...

Well, let me explain. It's a bit like singing the words of one song to the tune of another....

ISIHAC

Chris


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## Brock

Samantha has just had to nip out and take her German Shepherd to the park to give him a stroke whilst he licks her face and pants.

Attending the Builders Ball were Mrs and Mrs Cotter-Tiling and their son, Terra; Mr Foursugarsinmine and his daughter, Olive - just back from playing a lead role in Wagner's 'Damn the Guttering'.

Nottingham is the famous home of Boots the Chemist. It was formed in 1850 by Jessie Boots who quickly realised his advertising slogan, "Buy your drugs from Jessies" was not attracting custom.


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## aldra

alexblack13 said:


> Oh I know whats what... Yoos are still nuts... :lol:
> 
> AB


I told you so

However hang on in there it gets better

I think 8O 8O :lol: :lol:

Samantha


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## Remus

Samantha made her regular visit to the gramophone library earlier. The kindly old archivist keeps a small terrier for company and Samantha makes a point of taking a treat of a biscuit or two. The archivist says he always loves to watch his little dog as he scampers up to Samantha with her two crackers held out and pants around her ankles.


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