# We hope



## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

What is it with me 

My grandson doesn't get on with his mum

She doesn't get on with him

We had him here but he wanted the freedom of home where he could do as he wanted

Here he couldn't 

And tonight he says he wants to be here

But you weren't happy I said

You wanted to go home

I didn't know I was happy here he said, but I was

And I stare at 6' 3 " of him

And understand his mum struggles with him

She always struggled

As a kid she was a pain

And he struggles with her and she with him

And he just broke my heart

And yes he can come here, why not 

I thought once upon a time I hoped I'd raised a perfect family

But I didn't 

At the sidelines were those who who didn't fit perfect 

I never fitted perfect either

So there you go

Sandra


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## Penquin (Oct 15, 2007)

It may not be perfect (I think only "Allah"is perfect to paraphrase Islam), bu for a mere human being you incorporate and frequently demonstrate the best possible components for such a family; patience, wisdom and care, or "faith, hope and love" but the greatest of those is love - and that you have in boundless quantities.

Perfection, perhaps not, in your view, but in his you represent the best that he has been able to find, hence why he wishes to grasp it and hang on tight.....

Not surprising IMO.


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## cabby (May 14, 2005)

Can I ask what does his mother think of the situation.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

She is tired

A one parent family

They have been at standoff for some time

He adores her she him

But living together ?

Now where have I heard that before?

Through out his life he's come to here when things get fraught

He won't give way, she won't give way , stalemate

And I'm aware she doesn't have that partner to support her

And neither does he

So I guess it's us

It was hard today for him to ask help with a problem he is partly responsible for

Sandra


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## Yaxley (Jul 25, 2008)

Aldra All you can do is listen and love and advise.
Ian


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

I never advise

Well unless I've had too much to drink:grin2:

I Listen, but I don't know the answer

They need to come to their own decision

And he will no doubt come here

Bask for a while in a peaceful atmosphere where meals sandwiches etc appear 
No hassle , clothes are washed and appear clean and folded

And he will eventually miss the chaos of life as it was

And refreshed return to it

For all I can do

I'll never replace the spark that is his life with his mum

And I wouldn't want too 

Sandra


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

Is it good for him to leave when the going gets tough?


Would it be better for him to learn how to rub along with people he disagrees with?


My niece was a "difficult" child. She was indulged and now struggles to fit in to society. She could not share a room at college so kept changing courses to find one where she had her own room (she went to college in America - a whole other story). She doesn't tolerate fools gladly and so has no close friends and never stays in a relationship for very long. Every job she gets she leaves because she cannot rub along with the other staff. If you met her you would think she was a lovely young woman. She is outgoing and vivacious but is she happy? I'm not sure.


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## talogon (Aug 12, 2009)

Aldra I really feel for you, I have a seventeen year old son who knows everything. I thought we gave him a great childhood and he now says we didn't.
We just keep on keeping on and no doubt when he's 30 we will all agree again. I hope.
Brian


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

It's so true Brian 

We had six, and having six there was not a lot of time to discuss the whys and wherefors

Dinner was served, you ate it or starved

You shared the chores 

If you required designer clothes you got a Saturday job

And apparently we were not the best of parents, they list our faults

Even today our failures are noted

But as I tell them 

Why if you were so hard done to

All these years laterI can't get rid of you all ?

Is it just you are hungry ? :grin2:

Sandra


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

patp said:


> Is it good for him to leave when the going gets tough?
> 
> Would it be better for him to learn how to rub along with people he disagrees with?
> 
> My niece was a "difficult" child. She was indulged and now struggles to fit in to society. She could not share a room at college so kept changing courses to find one where she had her own room (she went to college in America - a whole other story). She doesn't tolerate fools gladly and so has no close friends and never stays in a relationship for very long. Every job she gets she leaves because she cannot rub along with the other staff. If you met her you would think she was a lovely young woman. She is outgoing and vivacious but is she happy? I'm not sure.


I think pat it depends on the going

He isn't a difficult young man, he's sixteen and mixed up

His mum has her own problems

And he has inherited her stubbornness

Or maybe just learnt from it !!

So they get into stalemate

Here he's no problem, his nieces and nephews adore him

But of course I don't have to go to work, I'm not alone

I can ensure his breakfast ,school sandwiches are made, he comes home to tea, the home is peaceful

I can only offer respite care

And I know that after a few weeks he will be refreshed , his mum will be refreshed

And they can start again

And maybe I'm not really helping

But just what am I helping?

Two people important to me get through life

And one day he will be a confident man, he has all the right things to make it

He doesn't yet know it

Sandra


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## Penquin (Oct 15, 2007)

To you it may only be respite care, but to his Mum and to him it provides a degree of stability which perhaps is lacking elsewhere - as such it is VERY important to continue IF YOU CAN.

He may not express gratitude now, or his Mum perhaps, but in the long term they will look back either singly or individually and recognise how important respite care has been to help both of them cope with life in general and relationships between them.

Difficult to see from the inside, but it will be beneficial.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Woulntit be great

If as perfect parents we produced perfect kids

And they in turn produced perfect kids ?

We could retire, no longer needed or wanted

OPPS, wait 

There wouldn't be the bustle of family life

No one to complain you were not perfect parents

No less than perfect grandkids running around causing mayhem 

No kids that need you, no grandkids that need you 

No circle of life to complete 

Sandra


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

There is no blueprint for the perfect parent or the perfect Grandparent. Considering what an important job it is there is very little guidance at all!


Our only blue print was to improve upon our parents efforts  My mother thought that being a good mother was providing financial security. She went out to work from 7.30am to 4.30pm from the time I, the youngest, started school. This left us largely rudderless. In some ways this was good for us and taught us valuable life skills, not least independence.
How I used to yearn, however for a mother (or anyone) who was there when I came home from school. A cold empty house with two bullying brothers was not very welcoming after a tough day in the playground 


I never built a relationship with my mother because, when she was home, she was so stressed trying to balance all that family life throws at you with a less than helpful husband who expected to be waited on. She viewed me, the only girl, as a helper in all things domestic. This caused huge tensions as my two brothers got off scot free.


I hope I improved on my upbringing. I certainly tried.


You, Sandra, have improved immensely on the start that you had in life. You should be proud.


Let hope it is just a little blip on your grandson's journey through life.


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## HermanHymer (Dec 5, 2008)

Sandra, you have a heart of gold and marshmallow. But he's at the impossible age. He WILL grow out of it. 

Many kids find solace with their grandparents at this critical and necessary phase of breaking away from parents.. 

No hassle. BUT impose on him the life YOU think he should lead. Bring him up the way YOU think it should be done. Your home. Your rules. Nothing wrong with your values. And constancy is one thing kids need, but don't want to know they do.

Is 'time share' an option?? That way he can have some time with his mother, some with you, learn to negotiate his way and avoid the conflict. Life is NOT going to bend to his whims, better he learns that now. Again, he WILL grow up. Any parent or surrogate parent's responsibility is to give them the tools to cope.

My understanding of 15-16 year olds is that they are beginning to separate, they want to grow up, and just when they are lulling you into a false sense of security, they do something totally immature and irresponsible. (Been there done that got 2 t-shirts!)


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## HermanHymer (Dec 5, 2008)

What's changed? 'In our day' we would disagree with our parents and do the breaking away thing, but we never felt we could or wanted to openly criticise our parents and take them to task for the things they did/didn't do.

These days, kids and their spouses have no compunction in telling you off, criticising your performance as a parent and blaming you for all kinds of issues. Damned if did and damned if you didn't.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Penquin said:


> To you it may only be respite care, but to his Mum and to him it provides a degree of stability which perhaps is lacking elsewhere - as such it is VERY important to continue IF YOU CAN.
> 
> He may not express gratitude now, or his Mum perhaps, but in the long term they will look back either singly or individually and recognise how important respite care has been to help both of them cope with life in general and relationships between them.
> 
> Difficult to see from the inside, but it will be beneficial.


He will be coming here Dave

He has all his life

Like pat, at home he goes home to an empty house, unless he arrives here afterschool which he frequently does, to collect his hound

Yep I baby sit the hound, and what a loving bundle he is, and he loves the freedom of the garden and the companionship of shadow

I think shadow enjoys him too

And yes the home is empty because he would have no home if his mum didn't work

And workingfull time and raising a teenage son alone isn't easy I guess

So the week after next he will be here to chill for a while

And his grandad will find him some paid work around the house / garden to make sure he has money in his pocket

He gets a good rate,£6 an hour to work along side his grandad

And his mum can chill for a while

And Viv if you're reading this, he's waiting for his curry

Was disappointed that you won't be cooking it this Friday :frown2:

I appeased him with promise of a BBQ for the family meal

And he will no doubt achieve nothing at GCE, where his older cousins achieved 10 , mostly A Stars

But then again neither did his grandad, and he went to private school

But he did get a Batchelor of Ed and a masters degree later when the time was right

And he may or may not , but I hope he will achieve his potential

Whatever that turns out to be

Sandra


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## HermanHymer (Dec 5, 2008)

aldra said:


> He will be coming here Dave
> 
> And Viv if you're reading this, he's waiting for his curry
> 
> ...


Nothing to stop me making a curry any time. Can be frozen!


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

He'll be round to eat it fresh Viv

Never fear 

Sandra


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