# Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits by Pam Ayres



## Bubblehead

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits 
By Pam Ayres 

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers, 
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers, 
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers, 
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits. 

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning. 
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning, 
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming, 
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits 

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things 
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing. 
And although they go well with my Bingo wings, 
I wish I'd looked after me tits. 

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow, 
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low, 
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe, 
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits. 

When I was young I got whistles and hoots, 
From the men on the site to the men in the suits, 
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots, 
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits 

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters, 
Cruising around with my favorite suitors. 
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters, 
I wish I'd looked after me tits. 

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door, 
When they're less in the air and more near the floor, 
When people see less of them rather than more, 
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits


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## Telbell

:lol: :lol:


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## DTPCHEMICALS

She`s a national treasure.

Dave p


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## locovan

and another

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth, 
And spotted the perils beneath,
All the toffees I chewed, 
And the sweet sticky food,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

I wish I'd been that much more willin' 
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To pass up gobstoppers, 
From respect to me choppers
And to buy something else with me shillin'.

When I think of the lollies I licked, 
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little, 
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My Mother, she told me no end, 
"If you got a tooth, you got a friend"
I was young then, and careless, 
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right, 
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin' 
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time... I could bite!

If I'd known I was paving the way,
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fiIlin's 
Injections and drillin's
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lay in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine, 
In these molars of mine,
"Two amalgum," he'll say, "for in there."

How I laughed at my Mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath,
But now comes the reckonin' 
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.


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## locovan

and another

You know this world is complicated, imperfect and oppressed 
And it's not hard to feel timid, apprehensive and depressed. 
It seems that all around us tides of questions ebb and flow 
And people want solutions but they don’t know where to go. 

Opinions abound but who is wrong and who is right. 
People need a prophet, a diffuser of the light. 
Someone they can turn to as the crises rage and swirl. 
Someone with the remedy, the wisdom, and the pearl. 

Well . . . they should have asked my ‘usband, he’d have told’em then and there. 
His thoughts on immigration, teenage mothers, Tony Blair, 
The future of the monarchy, house prices in the south 
The wait for hip replacements, BSE and foot and mouth. 

Yes . . . they should have asked my husband he can sort out any mess 
He can rejuvenate the railways he can cure the NHS 
So any little niggle, anything you want to know 
Just run it past my husband, wind him up and let him go. 

Congestion on the motorways, free holidays for thugs 
The damage to the ozone layer, refugees and drugs. 
These may defeat the brain of any politician bloke 
But present it to my husband and he’ll solve it at a stroke. 

He’ll clarify the situation; he will make it crystal clear 
You’ll feel the glazing of your eyeballs, and the bending of your ear. 
Corruption at the top, he’s an authority on that 
And the Mafia, Gadafia and Yasser Arafat. 

Upon these areas he brings his intellect to shine 
In a great compelling voice that’s twice as loud as yours or mine. 
I often wonder what it must be like to be so strong, 
Infallible, articulate, self-confident …… and wrong. 

When it comes to tolerance – he hasn’t got a lot 
Joyriders should be guillotined and muggers should be shot. 
The sound of his own voice becomes like music to his ears 
And he hasn’t got an inkling that he’s boring us to tears. 

My friends don’t call so often, they have busy lives I know 
But its not everyday you want to hear a windbag suck and blow. 
Encyclopaedias, on them we never have to call 
Why clutter up the bookshelf when my husband knows it all!


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## raynipper

I definitely need your hubby Mavis.

Ray.


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## mandyandandy

Not a Pam poem but tits related and being in the business someone kindly sent me it. 

What Religion is Your Bra? 
A man walked into the ladies department of a M & S and shyly walked up 
to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for 
my wife. ' 
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk. 
Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'' Look around,' 
said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four 
types of bras to choose from .' 
Relieved, the man asked about the types. 
The saleslady replied: 
'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the 
Baptist types. 
Which one would you prefer?' 
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. 
The Saleslady responded, 
'It is all really quite simple. ..... 
The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts 
the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The 
Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'


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## sallytrafic

I once was in a musical theatre group with semi professionals and they had a tradition of everyone performing at the last night party. What to do? No way was my singing good enough but you didn't have to sing so I used to memorise one or other of Pam Ayres's. Less would seem to be more as once I got a standing ovation for:

I am a bunny rabbit
a living in me hutch.

I likes to stay at this end
Don't care for that end ..... much

I'm glad tomorrows Friday 
for with a bit of luck ...

...as far as I remember

that's the day they pass the buck


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## spykal

Here you go Bubbles, Mavis and PA lovers ...the teeth poem and an extra spoken by the lass herself.... good stuff ... why do I enjoy this so much more than that stuff from Mr Motion :lol:

[video width=425 height=344:2ffc977499]http://www.youtube.com/v/y5P5BM23uUU&hl=en_GB&fs=1&[/video:2ffc977499]


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## Hampshireman

Yeah, poetry and poets leave me absolutely cold unless it's PA, or MGough or Hegley now and then. 

Those serious ones who adopt a sonerous, precious tone whenever they read their stuff - Aaargh!


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## bognormike

She wouldn't be the same without the Oxfordshire accent, just like going back to Oxford. 8)  I think she did some of her stuff on Radio Oxford, before she won whatever it was on the telly (?), when we still lived in the area - early 70's?


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## Pusser

Has she done "..I wish I'd looked after me willy" poem.


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## xgx

Pusser said:


> Has she done "..I wish I'd looked after me willy" poem.


she started to write one..

I wish I'd looked after me willy
but it somehow passed me by
fiddlin with buttons and zips on the fly
t'was then came the thought 
that bashing one's bishop was fraught
with visual problems my oh my!
Oh don't be so silly
you don't have a willy

I wish I'd looked after me willy
a bargain from the shop on the corner 
that sold naughties not flora and fauna
t'was all right for a while
when often in use it brought many a smile 
but fell apart one day in the sauna
Oh don't be so silly
you don't have a willy

next please

:lol:


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## Pusser

She appears to lead an interesting life. I think she lives on a farm. Must be a battery farm.  Anyway, she's always smiling and now we know why.


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