# Message to the citizens of the USA



## geraldandannie (Jun 4, 2006)

*A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America:*

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ).

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are [email protected] and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.
Only He can.

John Cleese


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

Very good Gerald. :lol: :lol: 

If it was on a Muslim theme however there would be howls of protest and accusations of racism, and probably a few other assorted 'isms.

Funny old world isn't it! :? :?


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## bognormike (May 10, 2005)

I don't know how old Cleesy has put up with them for so long :roll: after reading that! 
How about complulsory geography lessons, showing where other countries are?
:wink:


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

bognormike said:


> I don't know how old Cleesy has put up with them for so long :roll: after reading that!
> How about complulsory geography lessons, showing where other countries are?
> :wink:


You assume they know where their own is Mike! :wink: :wink:


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## bognormike (May 10, 2005)

Zebedee said:


> bognormike said:
> 
> 
> > I don't know how old Cleesy has put up with them for so long :roll: after reading that!
> ...


It's taken George Dubya years to get that far - what hope is there for some sap in Oklahoma or Illinois (for instance - not necessarily picking on those states, or any particular saps withinh them :roll:  )


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

Maybe that's why so few of them have a passport. They would never find their way home if they ever went on a foreign holiday. :lol:


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## tincan (Jul 31, 2006)

Geography is taught in US schools so kids will know where they are being sent to fight for democracy

Noel


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## 107990 (Oct 30, 2007)

Bombing for democracy and freedom is like f**king for virginity.


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## sallytrafic (Jan 17, 2006)

I was on MV Discovery in the southern ocean and probably 70% of the passengers were from the United States. Two of them and a Canadian adopted us into their quiz team ( to give them a chance) and we got very friendly.

One day we were all assembled to have a compulsory lecture about going ashore on Antarctica. What followed was an excruciating question and answer session concerning landing. Typical questions "Will there be a sign that says 'Antarctica' so we can have our photos taken next to it? and 'Is there a gift shop ashore?".

One of our quiz team members leant over to us and said "and what you have to realise Frank is that only the most intelligent Americans come on trips like this".


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## NEV3 (Feb 7, 2007)

I think perhaps we are being a little unfair to the citizens of the USA.
I've personaly met a couple of dozens of really nice people.
As for the other 300 million.........;who knows?

Nev


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

NEV3 said:


> I think perhaps we are being a little unfair to the citizens of the USA.
> I've personaly met a couple of dozens of really nice people.
> As for the other 300 million.........;who knows?
> 
> Nev


Sorry Nev - you are right of course.

Was it Frankie Howerd who used to say, "_Titter ye not at the afflicted_!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## greenasthegrass (Oct 27, 2007)

I get fed up of them thinking the UK is the Ukraine! doh! oops sorry it crept in!


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