# Daily Titter



## Gorman

Foreword:
As I work in an on/offshore capacity in the Persian Gulf and having to stay in conatct with various technological updates, I am a member of various websites such as Diving, Offshore exploration and etc from which 
I receive many "Ditties" from all around the world. I would like to share some of them with the esteemed members of this board. Having once had my bottom felt for a rather risque joke when I first joined the jokes/ditties wil be of humerous rather than rude nature. All swear words will be edited accordingly....just fill in the dots. They will be inserted in the same thread on a daily basis, when I am at work.

Opinions please!


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## Pudsey_Bear

Hi Bill,

I say go for it, some will be dischuffed, but if anything is too bad I'm sure that a flag will be raised and that post removed by one of the mods. as for those who don't like the occasional titter, tough, don't read this particular forum.


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## smithies

Come on then Bill....we are waiting !!! :lol: 


Jenny


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## Zebedee

Hi Bill

I'm wearing my Mod hat now! 8O 

No objections - a number of members post funnies on a regular basis, so you are not setting a trend.

Please don't use capitals in the titles, *nor asterisks*, and include a warning for the ladies if it gets a bit "close"

Personally I'd ask you not to post crude jokes, and may well delete them if you do.

I enjoy "_*rude*_" as much as anybody, but don't think there's any need for "*crude*" on a public forum.

Looking forward to a titter.

Zeb


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## Gorman

Zebedee said:


> Hi Bill
> 
> I'm wearing my Mod hat now! 8O
> 
> No objections - a number of members post funnies on a regular basis, so you are not setting a trend.
> 
> Please don't use capitals in the titles, *nor asterisks*, and include a warning for the ladies if it gets a bit "close"
> 
> Personally I'd ask you not to post crude jokes, and may well delete them if you do.
> 
> I enjoy "_*rude*_" as much as anybody, but don't think there's any need for "*crude*" on a public forum.
> 
> Looking forward to a titter.
> 
> Zeb


Roger on that!............here goes.


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## Gorman

Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. ' Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything , Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' 

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?' 

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?' 

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

……………………………………………………………………………………………….



'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the F..k out of here!

_________________


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## JohnsCrossMotorHomes

:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Telbell

:lol: :lol: 

"crude" or "rude"....who's the judge and what's the criteria??

I still say :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Gorman

Todays offering:

Subject: THE EMU

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. 

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.' 

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is! always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'


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## Gorman

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mum asks how his day was. 

He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." 

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!", says the mum.

A while later the father comes home and the mum says, 


"Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today." 


Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mum is so mad. 


"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy. 


"Alright! That's my boy!", says Dad. 


"You know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. 


What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! 


you know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!" 


So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. 


"You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad. 


The boy replied, 


"Nah, my bum is still sore."


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## Gorman

Bohemian Curry (Apologies to rock band ‘Queen’!) 




Naan-aa, just killed a man, 


Pappadon against his head, 


Had lime pickle, now he’s dead, 


Naan-aa, dinner just begun, 


But now I’m going to crap it all away. 


Naan-aa, ooh-ooh, 


Don’t mean to make you cry 


Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow, 


Curry on, Curry on, 


‘Cause nothing really madras. 


Too late, my dinner’s gone, 


Send shivers up my spine, 


Rectum aching all the time, 


Goodbye every Bhaji, I’ve got to go, 


Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo. 


Naan-aa, ooh ooh, 


This Dupiaza’s mild, 


I sometimes wish we’d never come here at all… 


*********** 


(Guitar solo) 


*********** 


I see a little chicken tikka on the side, 


Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, 


Pass the chutney made of mango, 


Vindaloo does nicely, 


Very very spicy, 


ME! 


Biriyani (Biriyani) 


Biriyani (Biriyani) 


Biriyani and a naan, 


(A vindaloo loo looo…) 


I’ve eaten balti, somebody help me 


He’s eaten balti, get him to a lavatory, 


Stand you well back, 


‘cause this loo is quarantined. 


Here it comes, 


There it goes, 


Technicolor yawn. 


I chunder, 


No! 


It’s coming up again! 


(Here he goes) I chunder, 


It’s coming up again! 


(There he goes) It’s coming up again, (up again) 


Coming up again (up again) 


Here it comes again, 


(No no no no no non o no no no) 


On my knees, I’m on my knees, I’m on my knees, 


Oh there he goes, 


This vindaloo 


Is about to wreck my guts, 


Poor me… Poor me… Poor me! 


****************************** 


(Guitar Solo - with head banging!) 


****************************** 


So you think you can chunder and still it’s alright? 


So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night? 


Ohh maybe, now you’ll puke like a baby! 


Just had to come out, 


Just had to come out right in here… 


************ 


(Guitar Solo) 


************ 


Korma, saag or bhuna, 


Balti, Naan, Bhaji, 


Nothing makes a difference, 


Nothing makes a difference to me. 


(Anyway my wind blows.)


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## Gorman

Three guys in a lap dancing bar were watching the busty blonde gyrating around and on the pole.

The Nottingham guy stuck £20 on her left buttock.

Not to be out done the guy from Derby sticks £30 on her right buttock.

The guy from Newcastle gets his visa card out and swipes it down the crack of her a**e and gets £50 cash back!


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## Gorman

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off hershirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his
story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the
same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away working.'

Mummy fainted!


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## JockandRita

Brilliant stuff Bill. Keep them coming please. :lol: 

Jock.


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## Gorman

Think about this:
The Theory of Intelligence 

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this. 
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. 
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. 
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, 'It's what Mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an *******!'


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## Gorman

Colin came home from the pub late on Friday
evening, stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into
bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing
at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded
Colin, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered, "This
isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!!
That can't be, I have so much to live for, I
haven't said goodbye to my family.... 
You've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm 
not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in
feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This isn’t so bad" he thought
until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
"So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your
first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Colin,
"but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm
about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the
rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an
egg before".
"Never" replies Colin
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable
seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An
immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions
got the better of him as he experienced
motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling
of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being
reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about
to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back
of his head and heard his wife shouting...


"Colin, wake up wake up your drunken Idiot
you're kakin in the bed.


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## Gorman

One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool. 
"What's wrong with you?" said the Irish priest. 
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog." 
"Really!" said the Irish priest. "Can you explain!" 
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you." 
"That's an incredible story" said the Irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?." 
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good night’s sleep would wake up a boy once again." 
"Today's your lucky day!" said the Irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The Irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the Irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed, 
"And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A middle aged woman went to an 
Asda service counter and 
tells the clerk she wants a 
refund for the toaster she bought because 
it won't work. 
The clerk tells her that he 
can't give her a refund because she 
bought it on 'special'. 
Suddenly, the woman throws her 
arms up in the air and 
starts screaming! PINCH MY NIPPLES! 
PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!" 
The befuddled clerk ran away to 
get the store manager in 
front of a growing crowd of customers. 
The manager goes to the woman 
and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" 
She explained the problem with 
the toaster, and he tells 
her that he can't give her a refund because 
she bought it on special. 
Once again, the woman throws her 
arms up in the air and 
starts screaming, 
PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! 
PINCH MY NIPPLES!" And doing so draws 
an even HUGER crowd! 
In shock, the store manager pleads, 
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?" 
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, 
I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES 
PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!" 
The crowd broke into applause 
and 
her money was quickly refunded!


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## Gorman

As a woman passes her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a Vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "what in the world are you doing?" the Daughter replied: "mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." 

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: "dad I'm Thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." 

A couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked 'what the hell are you doing?' 

The husband replied 'I’m watching football with my son in law

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience He asks if anyone would like him to play a request. 
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! 
Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. 
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". 
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives 
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. 
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. 
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a 
jazz chord". 
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate 
his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You 
get up here and do it!" 
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike And 
starts to sing..... 

"A jazz chord to say a ruv you..."


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## Gorman

Out of the mouths of Babes:

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. 
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child 
innocently. 
You did WHAT? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 
"You know, “explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it 
didn't move." 

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. 
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" 
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" 
"No, You had your chance. Lights out." 
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" 
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" 
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" 
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" 
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" 

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, 
finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" 
The boy thought it over and said, 
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door 
until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" 

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. 
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his 
voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" 
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." 
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 

"The big sissy." 

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's 
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. 
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, 
as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, 
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" 
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, 
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." 

6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old 
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into 
the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" 
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." 
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" 

7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. 
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." 
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" 
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." 
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. 
"Yes," he answered. 
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you 
teaching my son in math?" 
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." 
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" 
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." 

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little 
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried 
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" 
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" 
One little girl raised her hand and said, 
"I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, 
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." 
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." 
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" 
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." 

10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" 
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." 
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, 
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" 

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. 
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake 
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your 
Twinkie." 
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."


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## Gorman

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both 
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping 
room on a transcontinental train. 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, 
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper 
bunk and she in the lower. 

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman 
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing 
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." 

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, 
let's pretend that we're married." 

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. 

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***** blanket." 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


.... Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that 

despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. 

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, 

"Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun. 

... they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. 

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay". 

... he sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, 

"Cilla, that wash wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n' balls again. No problem hun". 

Cilla complies with the Routine. 

... the results this time are absolutely mindblowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks 

"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?" 

... Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a 'shcouser', the bitch stole ma wallet!".


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## Gorman

*Fancy Dress*

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. 
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party 
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she 
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was 
no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. 
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly 
for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to 
go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she 
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted, 
when she was not with him. 
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his, costume, 
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he 
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went 
up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner 
high and dry and devoted his time to her. 
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. 
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and 
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate 
intercourse in the back seat. 
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put 
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he 
would make up for his outrageous behavior. 
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time 
he had. 
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time 
when you're not there." 
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" 
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. 
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went 
into the spare room and played poker all evening." 
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all 
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. 
To which the husband replied, 
"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his 
life!"


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## Gorman

*Famous quotes*

Famous Quotes:

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." 
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." &nbs p; Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

! "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes! Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions! to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns


----------



## Gorman

*Ah-choo!!!*

Anybody know what you say to a sneezing virgin? 
Scroll doon

Goes-in-tight !!!


----------



## Gorman

*Getting Old*

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you 
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." 
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. , dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had his way with me two times!" 
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go 
out with him?" 
Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"

Getting Old Part 1
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're 
really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and 
be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart 
murmur. Be careful.'"

Getting Old Part II
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled 
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis".


----------



## Eamonn

Brilliant


----------



## Gorman

*One-liners*

Some of the best one-liners from Edinburgh's Fringe Festival...

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, 
but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams 
to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind 
people were given pointed sticks?

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She 
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, 
"All right, but we're not going to get much done."

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a 
goat.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help 
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, 
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite 
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... 
Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots 
and punched someone in the face.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have 
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take 
the Girl out of Cork ...

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a firestation. Went along. 
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both 
a winner and a loser at the same time.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to 
arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent 
most of our family holidays in Customs.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". 
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you 
go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want 
with a plumber".

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've 
already got one!"

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm 
not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a 
tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through 
a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this 
sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I 
feel?"


----------



## sallytrafic

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

The wife came home early and found her husband in their
bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

'You disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to
me – a faithful wife, and the mother of your children! I'm
leaving you. I want a divorce!

The husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so
at least I can tell you what happened.

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'But they'll be the last
words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began: 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home and this young lady asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took
pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was
very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she
hadn't eaten in three days! So, in my compassion, I brought
her home and warmed up the supper I made for you last
night - the one you wouldn't eat because you were afraid
you'd put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in minutes.
'Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and,
while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and
full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed
clothes, I gave her the designer jeans you have had for a few
years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas
that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those
boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use
because someone at work has the same pair.

The husband took a quick breath and continued, 'She was
so grateful for my understanding and help, as I walked her
to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please . . . Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' !!


----------



## JockandRita

Hi Bill,

Someone sent me that one in an email recently. It's a cracker.

:lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

*Retired Naval Captain.*

An old retired naval captain woke up one morning and decided on a day of reminiscence. He donned his old uniform, polished his shoes and the peak of his old battered cap and went for a walk around old Pompey dockyard, looking at all the battle ship grey painted pussers war canoes. After a few hours he then decides to go to his old local for a bite to eat and a couple of pink-gins to complete his day. He arrives at the pub, has a sarnie and over a couple of drinks and has a right old chin-wag with the locals. After a while later he decides to call it a day and wanders off home. 
A few yards along the road he is approached by a lady of leisure who asks him if he is looking for any business. He thinks for a few minutes and decides "Bugger-it" it will be a good way to finish his day. They agree on a price and off they go to her bed-sit.
After a few minutes into the rumpy-bumpy he looks down at the girl and says "Well my girl, how am I doing?" She answers…..about three knots. Three knots, whatever do you mean he says. 
Well she says firstly you're not hard, secondly you're not in AND thirdly you're not getting your money back!!!


----------



## Gorman

*Just in from Offshore*

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts"?

"Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

I empathize with the old Scotsman.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I must arrange a visit to the opticians soon. :wink: :wink: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing -- assume the brace position immediately!" 
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin' crash!" 
Claudia responds: "I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces -- which is why I am putting on my make-up." 
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? What are you doing, baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" 
Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts -- which is why I am exposing my breasts!" 
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle." Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi -- Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?" 
Calmly, Naomi responds: "Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!"


----------



## JockandRita

8O 8O 

:lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## citroennut

that last one has a fair chance of being removed by the old pc brigade :lol: :lol: :lol: 
simon


----------



## Gorman

*Morality Warning. Read at your own risk....and no moans.*

Golf with the wives 
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. 
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind reveals her lack of lingerie. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any.'' The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 quid, go and get some."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee, a gust of wind revealing her lack of lingerie. "Why!" he exclaimed. She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, for the sake of decency here's 20 quid, go and get some."

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also reveals her lack of lingerie. "Hoots mon woman! How could you forget it?" She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit!"


----------



## Gorman

Maybe so Simon, but as an added safety device I am heading all further Ditties with a morality warning. Read the warning, then if you read the dit and find it offensive, well you were warned. Apart from the first one I ever posted which was a bit naughty, all the others are the type that you would here down your local on a Saturday night. As a famous person once said. You can please some of the people some of the time but you cant please all of the people all of the time.......I think. Any way so far so good. 
Have a guid yin.


----------



## JockandRita

*Re: Morality Warning. Read at your own risk....and no moans.*



Gorman said:


> Golf with the wives
> An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
> The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind reveals her lack of lingerie. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any.'' The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 quid, go and get some."
> 
> Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee, a gust of wind revealing her lack of lingerie. "Why!" he exclaimed. She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, for the sake of decency here's 20 quid, go and get some."
> 
> Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also reveals her lack of lingerie. "Hoots mon woman! How could you forget it?" She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit!"


Now then Bill, that one really struck a chord. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

*Morality Warning. Read at your own risk....and no moans.*

Wife helping husband set up computer.

For the password hubby types 'MYPENIS'

Wife falls off chair laughing when pc replied.

Password rejected - not long enough.

---------------------------------------------

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. 
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £65 million.' 
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three months later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning.

------------------------------------------------------

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing,
campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three
Hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from
Scotland, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland,
each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.The
night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be
the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the
other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who
came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close
by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground
and killed em with my beer hends'
Hansie from Seth Efrika
who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well
you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng
glider on a tiny trail, end a Namibian snike slid out from
under a rock end made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted
with me bare hinds end beet it's head off ind then
sucked the poison from its body down in one gulp. End
I'm still here today.

'Ian, the Scotsman remained silent,
slowly poking the fire with his penis.


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Especially the one about the "Hang Glider Pilots". :wink: :wink: 

Jock.


----------



## citroennut

aye, but we're no hard, just lucky, well maybe both :lol: :lol:

simon


----------



## Autumn

' ... and include a warning for the ladies if it gets a bit "close" '

Zeb, chivalry or chauvanism, I cannot decide which but I'm thinking some of these crackers will disappear by morning!

Autumn


----------



## Gorman

*One for all*

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what the matter is. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. Asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."


----------



## Gorman

*For All*

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, 
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." 
"Do you think it will work?" she asks. 
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. 
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". 
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest. 
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby." 
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, 
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, 
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, 
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."


----------



## JockandRita

*Re: For All*



Gorman said:


> "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."


And, on a Sunday morning too. 8O

:lol: :lol:

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

*For All*

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. 
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"


----------



## Gorman

*Slightly Naughty.*

The four conditions are best said out loud with an assumed Italian accent.

The Pope is very ill and the chief doctor is called to attend. The prognosis is that because his (ahem) nether regions are never used he will die. The only solution to this is that he makes love to a beautiful woman. The Cardinals debate this and decided to tell the Pope what is happening. The Pope listens and tells them to retire whilst he considers his decision. After a while they are recalled and the Pope tells them that he agrees on FOUR conditions.

The Chief cardigan lets out a sigh of relief and asks the man what are the conditions.

The first condition is thata she must be blinda, for she shoulda nota see ma face-a.

The second condition is thata she must be dumba, for she must nota speaka of the event-a.

The third condition is thata she must deafa, for she should nota heara ma voice-a.

There is a silent pause……the Chief Cardinal then asks: and the fourth Holy Father?

Scroll doona

She musta av a Beeg Teets-a.


----------



## Gorman

*For All*

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town I $ 25."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality." 
"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."


----------



## Gorman

*Take it or leave it!*

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

*For all*

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: 

Good on you Bill. I haven't read one yet that hasn't made me laugh.  

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Thanks for that Jock

Aw ra best to you and yours.


----------



## Gorman

*Tame*

Once in medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.

After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen."


----------



## Gorman

*For all*

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" 
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes, yes he did." 
The old man is much shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" 
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: 

They are becoming a wee bit tamer every day Bill. Has someone been getting to you? :lol: 
(Says he with the wooden spoon in his hand :wink.

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Naw, I am just lulling evryone into a false sence of security,


----------



## Gorman

*Border-line*

Two gay lads decided to go out one night for a couple of drinks. Straying off the beaten track they find a nice wee pub in the dock-lands. Cecil says to Cedric, sit down love and I will get the drinks in. Cecil minces up to the bar where a big Scouse bruiser is moonlighting as a barman. Yes? Cecil says two gins please; the barman says yer a poof ain't ya. Never mind that give me two gins. The barman says what kind of gins? Whatever do you mean lisps Cecil. Well there are three kinds! There is Oxy-gin, Hydro-gin and Nitro-gin. Cecil is not too well pleased and wiggles back to Cedric and tells him the tale. 
Cedric says, you sit there luvva and I will get this sorted. He storms up to the bar and says to the barman………..hoi you, yes you give us two turds. Two turds, what the hell are two turds. Well says Cedric there are three kinds, there's Mustard, there's Custard and there's you ya cheeky big She-ite………………………..RUN CECIL!!!!!


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello," she said, "Do you like movies?" 
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book. 
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?" 
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely, before returning to his reading. 
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" 
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" 
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"



One morning, while she was making their breakfast, Harold walked up to his wife, Hette, pinched her on the tuchus (bottom) and said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle.” 
Although she thought this was a terrible thing to say, she refrained from responding. 
Next morning, Harold woke Hette by squeezing her breast. He said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.” 
Hette thought this was unacceptable and had to respond this time. So she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a strong grip, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener and your brother”


----------



## fatwallet

*daily titter*

Keep them coming Gorman. A great laugh.


----------



## Gorman

*Fair to Mild*

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. 
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!! 
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. 
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on, with her old wrinkled pair on show. The teenager wants to die. 
She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate..... 
The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can shown off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets


----------



## JockandRita

Aye, as Fatwallet says, keep them coming Bill.

(I wouldn't mind meeting him in a car showroom. :lol: )

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

A man is concerned about a dull throbbing pain in his knob and seeks medical advice.

His GP tells him: "I'm afraid it's simply wearing out and under normal circumstances there would be nothing I can do to help, however there is a brand new experimental procedure which you could undergo, it involves using part of an elephants trunk, but it does have its risks in terms of after effects."

"Anything! Says the man, "I have an extremely active sex life and can't bear the thought of never being able to shag again".

Off he goes for the operation and 3 weeks later he's passed fit to resume normal sex.

He invites an extremely attractive neighbour over for dinner, things are going really well when he feels a stirring below, his knob becomes so large it's getting painful and he undoes his zip.

With that, his enormous grey appendage leaps out, shoots across the table, takes a bread bun and just as quickly, disappears into his trousers.

"My word!" says his guest, extremely impressed and slightly curious, "can you do that again?".

He replied in a shocked voice "Probably, but I don't think I could fit another bread bun up my BUM!"


----------



## Gorman

WARNING

Foreword: now we all know that as consenting adults the "F" word is being used more and more, especially in movies and more so in national television. As I have previously said I hear it on numerous occasions whilst at work and numerous other places, therefore here are selections of famous people who have used the word. Strategically bleeped where necessary:

The “F” word has been used by many notable people throughout history: 

"What the bleep was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima 

“Where did all these bleeping Indians come from?" General Custer

"Where the bleep is all this water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic 

"That’s not a real bleeping gun." John Lennon

"Who's gonna bleeping find out?" Richard Nixon

"Heads are going to bleeping roll." Anne Boleyn

"Let the bleeping woman drive."Commander of SpaceShuttle "Challenger"

"What bleeping map?" Mark Thatcher

"Any bleeping idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein

"It does so bleeping look like her!" Picasso

"How the bleep did you work that out?" Pythagoras

"You want what on the bleeping ceiling?" Michelangelo

"Bleep a duck." Walt Disney

"Why? - Because it’s bleeping there!" Edmund Hilary

"I don't suppose it’s gonna bleeping rain?" Joan of Arc

"Scattered bleeping showers my ass." Noah


----------



## Gorman

Meeting the Pope 
A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. 
The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day. 
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear...
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."

----------------------------o0o------------------------------
Crossed Nuns 

Two Nuns are stuck in a traffic jam, waiting for the lights to change, when a vampire lands on the windscreen. 
"Oh sister what shall we do" the younger nun said.
"Don't panic" said the older nun. "Simply show it your cross".
The younger nun opened the window and shouted "BLEEP OFF YOU LITTLE BASTARD". 

----------------------------o0o-----------------------------

Sexual Confessional

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest. 
''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.'' 
''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.'' 
''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says. 
The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.'' 
''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?'' 
''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face!''


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: Especially No 3 for me. :wink: 

Cheers Bill,

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house
where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. 
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret,” explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?". "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK.” replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sister.........!"


----------



## JockandRita

Gorman said:


> A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house
> where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
> There's no answer.
> Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
> "Harro!" says the Japanese man.
> "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
> "I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
> Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No! No! Mate, where's your dust bin?". "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
> "I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sister.........!"


You're right Bill, it's a cracker. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Stars in Your Eyes
Matthew Kelly was backstage at Stars in Your Eyes when he saw two contestants in the corner, one was a middle aged guy in a wheelchair together with his younger nephew called Simon.
Curious - Matthew went over to the duo and introduced himself and asked the older guy about his disability.
"My nephew and I are glaziers" - said the old guy "and one day when he was up a ladder my nephew Simon slipped - dropped a pane of glass - and it cut my legs clean off!!""That's terrible" said Matthew "but it’s great that your here to support him nevertheless, so who is your nephew going to be?""Oh I'm not supporting him" said the old guy "I'm singing with him “Matthew was perplexed. He knew the back stage crew was good but who were these two going to become, when the old guy told him...

"Tonight Matthew - we're going to be....."

Ta-da!



Simon and Half Uncle" 

And for afters........................

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."


----------



## BJT

a/ Groan
b/ :big7:


----------



## Telbell

Just been catching up Gorman :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Keep em coming (some better than others of course :wink: )


----------



## Gorman

BJT said:


> a/ Groan
> b/ :big7:


Like I have said before ..... you can please some of the people some of the time, buy not all of the people all of the time.

I would rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.


----------



## JockandRita

Hi Bill,

:lol: For today's No 2.

Jock.


----------



## BJT

Sorry if I have upset you, only trying to say that no2 is, in my opinion, a good one; but no1 is a bit of a shaggy dog story hence - groan. Keep them coming though please, most are brilliant. I know, or mainly recall many when I read your published ones. but mine are mostly unprintable!!
Have you heard the one about .....


----------



## Gorman

BJT said:


> Sorry if I have upset you, only trying to say that no2 is, in my opinion, a good one; but no1 is a bit of a shaggy dog story hence - groan. Keep them coming though please, most are brilliant. I know, or mainly recall many when I read your published ones. but mine are mostly unprintable!!
> Have you heard the one about .....


Och away ya go and don't be daft, upset, you haven't upset me in the least. As you say some of yours are unprintable as are mine it's just getting a bit hard finding suitable material that keeps everyone happy. You know what I mean.


----------



## Gorman

The Pope goes to visit the Famous Seven Dwarfs, He is finishing his treatise on comparative religions, and Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
"No, Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not."
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?" Dopey asked.
"No, Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asked pleadingly, "is there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No, Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
Then, softly...in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting...
"Dopey humped a penguin. Dopey humped a penguin..."

---------o0o----------

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must have protection Cinderella agrees.”What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your protection will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. 
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your protection was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter the……… something or other...."


----------



## Gorman

Marriage is a 3-Ring circus - Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring and Suffer-Ring.

-----o0o-----

A trucker goes into a brothel and hands the Madam five hundred pounds and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a cheese sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and filet steak." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

-----o0o-----

THE TWO LAST GIFTS OF CREATION 
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool; I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." Adam went on and on like an excited little boy who had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. 
And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."


----------



## fatwallet

Well done Bill. A bit of nice fun. Len


----------



## Gorman

*Fairly Tame.*

*Four kinds of Sex* 
The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face. 
The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen. 
The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is 
Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, '(Bleep) YOU!'

----------o0o----------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

----------o0o----------

The Hollywood talent scout had just heard a young man give a very funny and lively performance.
"That was great!", he said. "What's your name?"
"Penis van Lesbian", said the young comedian.
"Wow! We'll have to change that. How about we call you Dick Van ****?"

----------o0o----------

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."


----------



## Gorman

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.In death's agony, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the
stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength,and lifted himself from the 
bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the 
bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping
the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,gazing into
the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the 
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. 
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the 
table,landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips 
parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth,seemingly
bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife......

"Bleep off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

----------o0o----------

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down.
They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you
be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's teenage
daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick
thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"


----------



## Gorman

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter
says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in
your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what
if you can tell me one REALLY good deed that you did, you're in."
So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of 
bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car,
grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader -- a
huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair
all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
"Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and,
wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this
poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged
animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'"
Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."


----------o0o-----------

Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and he's only
here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to
doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally,
he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, 
**** in de bucket, **** on de ****, and then put your head
down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, ****s in
the bucket, pisses on the ****, bends over, and breathes in
the fumes for ten minutes.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked!
I feel terrific. What was it?"
The doctor says, "You were homesick."


----------



## zappy61

Brill! Keep em coming Bill starts the day off a treat.

Graham


----------



## Raine

*made me laugh (sorry)*

8O read on a friends facebook

So what do you do if your ex is running around the back garden bloody, and screaming?


----------



## Raine

*!*

FOCUS!

reload and shoot again!


----------



## Raine

*hehehehe*

8) :lol:  :roll: 8O i was surprised, but it did make me laugh!


----------



## Gorman

Suitably censored for all

Hi Sue, 
This is just another quick note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you have been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it is not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. 

As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It is a wetsuit. This time of year, the water is quite cool. Therefore, what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. 

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I have used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It is like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. 

In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I do not have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish could not get stuck to my back. My butt crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with five other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. 

When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my butt" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I could not poop for two days because my a-hole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your butt. I hope you have no bad days at the office. However, if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love you,
Tom


----------



## JockandRita

Gorman said:


> Suitably censored for all
> 
> Hi Sue,
> This is just another quick note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you have been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it is not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
> 
> As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It is a wetsuit. This time of year, the water is quite cool. Therefore, what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
> 
> Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I have used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It is like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
> 
> In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I do not have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish could not get stuck to my back. My butt crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt.
> 
> I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with five other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell.
> 
> When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my butt" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I could not poop for two days because my a-hole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your butt. I hope you have no bad days at the office. However, if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.
> 
> Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
> 
> Love you,
> Tom


This wouldn't be a personal experience, would it Bill.........sorry, Tom? :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Gorman

I have had a few belts around the mouth and on the wrists. But the worst was was................in the summer time all we ever used for over-alls. Well you know how on the side pockets there is actually a slit, why I don't know......I leave it up to your imagination as to where I got zapped. Not exactly on the *FJ,s* but near as damn it. The other strange thing is on entry you don't feel a thing, until they settle down.


----------



## pippin

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. 

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. 

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. 

When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket. 

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. 

I called him a Nazi [email protected]@rd. 

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. 

So my wife called him a ####-head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. 

Then he started writing a third ticket. 

This went on for about 20 minutes. 

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

Personally, we didn't care. 

We came into town by bus. 

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. 

It's important at our age.


----------



## Gorman

On the day of the recent royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,
surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten 
to get any shoes. Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time, the festivities 
were over Sophie's feet were agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly, what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say ‘God that was tight.' There,' whispered
the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. My God. That was even tighter.
'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

--------------------------------o0o-----------------------------

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.
He replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it". The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a look for you" The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."


To which the man replies, "I know, it's a beauty, eh?"


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: To Bill & Pippin

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

*Stange*

Morning Jock, your up early, but that's not why I am answering. For the first time since I paid my ten spot, I can see all the other members avatars and the wee box to the right of this dialouge box is full of usable emoticons. Wonder what was wrong before?? In way of celebration here is another one.....

Aer Lingus Flight

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one
night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot.
As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front
window. 
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat
runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in
reverse"said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said
Paddy
"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of
nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put
the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed
to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke,
the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway,much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy
looked out the front window and said to Shamus
"Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in
me whole life".
Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but
look how fookin wide it is"


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: 

Aye Bill, up before the birds.

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I am sure you will agree, and it is an absolute steal at only $20". "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity". "Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot, and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Bleep me, a bleeping new brothel and a bleeping new madam". "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop. A little later, the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new bleeping prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. Well bleep me, a new brothel, a new madam, new bleeping whores, but the same old clients.

How ya doing', Dave?"

-----------o0o-----------

One day a fruity-pie was jogging through the park. There was a wino
passed out on the park bench, so the jogger decided, "Ah,
what the hell", went over, dropped the wino's pants, gave 
him a portion, then took $10.00 and put it in the wino's pocket.
When the wino awoke, he reached in his pocket found the 
$10.00 and went straight to the liquor store, and asked the
clerk for his most expensive bottle of wine.
Next day the fruity-pie was jogging through park and again the
same old wino is all passed out on the park bench. So 
fruity drops the wino's pants, does him up the bleep again, and then
puts another $10.00 in the wino's pocket.
The wino wakes up, finds another $10.00 and heads straight
to the liquor store, and tells the clerk, "I want your best bottle of wine."
Come the 3rd day, fruity-pie is jogging through the park
sees the same old wino passed out. So he drops the wino's
pants and gives it to him up the bleep yet again, but when he
goes to get $10.00 out of his pocket, he finds out he only 
has a $20.00. So he gives the wino the $20.00.
The wino wakes up, finds the $20.00, goes right to the 
liquor store, and tells the clerk that he wants the cheapest
bottle of wine.
The clerk says, "Wait a minute. Two days in a row, you come
in here with $10.00, and want my most expensive bottle of
wine. Today, you have $20.00 and want the cheapest. What gives?"
The wino replies, "Yeah, well, that expensive stuff is making my bum burn."

----------o0o----------

Sherlock Holmes & Dr Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and
a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you Watson?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."

"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three."

"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small 
and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you Holmes ?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, it tells me you're a dickhead. Some bar-steward has stolen our tent."


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

My favourite there Bill, was the Holmes & Watson joke. :wink: 

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get
weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.
She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple
went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what
she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the
weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her
correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I
want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was
really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim
responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

----------o0o----------

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr 
Wolf",says
Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further, down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This
time he is crouched behind a tree stump "My what big ears you have Mr
Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,
this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams..."Will you bleep off,
I'm trying to take a sh**t!"


----------



## JockandRita

The "getting weighed" (or not) was a cracker for me Bill. :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

God’s Gift
A man was walking along a California beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That is what I am asking you for right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. The last time I issued a blank wish request it was to Solomon. He did not disappoint me with his request for wisdom. I think I can trust that you will not disappoint me either. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish you ask for."

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deadly afraid of flying and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"

The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!! Your request is very materialistic, a little disappointing. I could do it, but it is hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well."

The man thought about it for a long while and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal, Lord. I have been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I do not care and that I am insensitive. Therefore, I wish that I could understand women... I want to know how they feel inside and what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment...I want to know why they are crying... I want to know what they really mean when they say 'nothing'... I want to know how to make them truly happy...That's the wish that I want, Lord."

Then after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

----------o0o----------

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you have to help me, I've got a lettuce growing out of my bum." The doctor says, "Are you sure, that's not very likely." So the man drops his trousers, bends over and sure enough, a lettuce is growing out of his bum. "Bloody hell!" says the doctor, "how did you get that?" The man replies, "Oh, that's just the tip of the Iceberg.


----------



## Gorman

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich 1.50
Chicken Sandwich 2.50
H%&nd Jobs 10.00
---------------------------------
Checking his wallet he finds one single tenner, he walks up to the bar beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the h%$d-jobs?" 
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash you’re bleeping hands, I want a cheese sandwich.

----------o0o----------

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself
too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya
doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club
before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a
lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the
Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want youR usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, 
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"

----------o0o----------

READ THIS OUT LOUD TO YOURSELF
One sentence after another.....

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat
This is keep cat.
This is an adventurous cat.
This is idiot cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cats.
This is second’s cat.

Now go back and read only the third word of each sentence one after
the other.


----------



## JockandRita

Bill, I passed No3 with flying colours. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Good fer you Jock.......a wee bitty lame but here are todays offerings. For info, wait till ye see Tuesday mornings Finale as it were. I was just sitting here reading the morning report when out of the blue........och naw, am no gonny ruin the surprise!!.

Chinese wedding. 
A Chinese couple gets married, and she is a virgin. On the wedding night, she gets nervously under the sheets while her husband undresses. He climbs into bed next to her, and tries to be reassuring: "My darring I know dis your firt time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want" She says "I wanna try a 69" He said "You wanna beef with bloccolli".

----------o0o----------

Friends
Blonde and Brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, she-ite, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason." The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The Brunette says, "Oh, sure...but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The Blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

----------o0o----------

PS: Just noticed the sweary word remover, how quaint???

WARNING THE FOLLOWING LINK MIGHT BE CONSIDERED A TAD RUDE (BUT ONLY MOMENTARILY...YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.)


----------



## JockandRita

Hi Bill,

No 1 had me in stitches, but wasn't the video link extremely clever indeed?
I wonder what he does with each sheet he removes from the notepad.

Thanks,

Jock.

P.S. Did you notice the dirty finger nail on the artist's right hand. :lol:


----------



## Gorman

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole.
He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball, and comes across this little guy with this huge lump on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square; I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want -- unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life." A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a fifty pound note." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you too. And how is your sex life?" The golfer looks at him shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week??????!!!!" The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

----------o0o-----------

The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to the beat o'love. The woman cocked her ear:
"Quick it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." She replied with a knowing smile. "Great" he said "I'll just slip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found the lover waving his hand in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." the love replied. "But...but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband. The lover looked down, jumped backwards in surprise, and said "The little bar-stewards!"

----------o0o----------

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment the woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it. The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?”Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tut-tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast......"

THINGS WE'VE LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you
can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take
out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always
be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at
night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembly Stadium.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack
you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until
you have knocked out their predecessors.

Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

An electric fence powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

It is not necessary to say hello, goodbye when beginning, or ending phone conversations.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German you need not speak the language. A German accent will do.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war - unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince in agony when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade- at any time of the year.


----------



## Gorman

Fairy Tale for Assertive Women

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. A frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a
spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the
dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white
wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't bleeping think so."

---------o0o----------

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly 
enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. 
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily 
hobbles the few feet across the store to the = 
counter. Finally she arrives at the counter, grabbing it for 
support. She asks the sales clerk: "Dddodo yyou 
sssell dddddildosss?" 
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, 
replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we sell many models." 
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ssssellll 
aaa llllitttlee pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong 
aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" 
The clerk responds, "Yes we do". 
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo 
ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?" 

----------o0o---------

A man arrives in his office one morning to find his colleague roaring with 
laughter. "What's the big joke?" the man asks.
"Well" his colleague replies, "I had a hilarious Freudian slip this
morning."
"What's a Freudian slip?" asks the man.
"Well, this morning I was queuing at the train station to buy a ticket from
Tooting, and I noticed that the girl behind the counter had enormous
breasts. When I got to the front of the queue, I asked for a return to Titting. The girl went bright red, I went bright red and the entire queue
wet themselves laughing. See, a Freudian slip is when you mean to say
something, but what comes out is what is really on your mind."
"Oh right" said the colleague chuckling away.
The next morning, the situation was reversed and the man arrived in the
office first. He was chortling away to himself when his colleague arrived.
"What's so funny?" asked the colleague.
"Well," replied the man, "I've had one of your Freudian slips."
"What happened?"
"I was sitting in the kitchen this morning, having breakfast. I looked over
to my wife and instead of saying 'Pass the milk, dear'
I said 'Bleep’ off you fat bitch, you've ruined my life'"


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: 

No 2 for me today Bill, with No 3 coming in a close second.

Jock.


----------



## locovan

Bill one for you to Celebrate your coming home and to cheer you up.
The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. '
No way ! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient says.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing. 
The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here is a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' '
It doesn't,' said the Dentist, '
but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.

Have a safe journey :lol:


----------



## Gorman

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your
mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BAR-STEWARD?"

----------o0o----------

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.
The first said, "Last night, I did my wife doggy style - it was great!"
"Doggy style?" said the other guy, why, I do it doggy style every night of the week!!
"Wow!!" said the first guy.

"Yep" he replied
"I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead!!"

----------o0o----------

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

Andy, the class crawler, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Andy" says the teacher, "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says," My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house wid a two-inch brush and mi Dad says it will take the contagious."

----------o0o----------

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten 
out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back 
into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after 
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in 
his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"

She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: "What's with the black condom?"

He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

----------o0o----------

A man was sitting at the bar when he was approached by a beautiful young woman. He invited her to sit with him and they started to chat. She introduced herself as Carmen. 
"That is a beautiful name." the man replied. 
"Thank you, she said. It's not my real name though." 
"Did you not like your given name?" the man asked. 
"Yes, I did like it, but I decided to change my name to my two most favorite things in the world: cars and men." 
"What is your name?" Carmen asked. 
"Beer Bleep."

A circumcised man goes into Asda. and puts his penis on the conveyer belt and says 'try rolling that back!'

----------o0o----------

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Ladies & Genitalmen, there will now be a short intermission, see you all on Wednesday 20th May.


----------



## JockandRita

Thanks Bill, there's some richt crackers there, eh?

TTFN,

Jock.


----------



## MalanCris

Tall building is on fire with people trapped inside. Paddy is stood on the pavement and shouts "Jump I'll catch you!" A woman jumps and he catches her, then a man jumps and he is also caught, then a black man jumps but hits the pavement. Paddy looks up and shouts "don't throw out the f*****g burnt ones"


----------



## citroennut

better duck for cover after that one :lol:


----------



## BJT

Seeing Gorman has gone walkabout for a few weeks I think there are enough of us reading this thread to contribute in his absence..

So - A teacher in a primary school says to the class 'Today children we are going to learn some words that mean the same as words you already know. Now, I will start with the word - better -, can any of you give me another word that means the same as better?'
Alice puts up her hand - Please Miss, indifferent.
You think indifferent means the same as better? said the teacher.
Yes Miss.
Can you tell me why, please?
Well Miss, I woke up the other night and was very thirsty and as I walked to the bathrrom to get a drink I heard Mummy say - thats better its in-different.

TTFN


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: 

Jock.


----------



## locovan

These classified ads were really put in the paper : well you know what I mean :lol: 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbors dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd..
Father, Super Dog. Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. 
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. 
Excellent condition.
£200 or best offer. 
No longer needed, 
Got married last month. 
Wife knows everything.


----------



## citroennut

ok, seeing as someone objected and it was deleted  

a guy wakes up on a sunday morning to the sound and smell of his wife cooking. badly hungover he staggers downstairs to the kitchen to see his socks in the pan. totally mistified he asks what she is doing, wife replies,- just doing what you asked last night..

simon


----------



## teemyob

*Titter*



citroennut said:


> ok, seeing as someone objected and it was deleted
> 
> a guy wakes up on a sunday morning to the sound and smell of his wife cooking. badly hungover he staggers downstairs to the kitchen to see his socks in the pan. totally mistified he asks what she is doing, wife replies,- just doing what you asked last night..
> 
> simon


Excellent, but Mrs Teemyob cannot get her head around that one~!

Trev


----------



## BJT

Man goes to see his doctor. Doctor, I think I am turning into a sex maniac; every time I see my wife bent over from the rear I have a tremendous urge to make love to her. I see her taking the washing out of the washing machine and feel the urge in me, cleaning the bath and it's the same. She has such lovely calfs and thighs it stirs up the sexual desire in me.
Doctor asks, how long have you been married?
Over 25 years.
25 years of marriage and you still fancy your wife in such a manner, you are a lucky man indeed. Good sex is healthy and strenghtens the bond between the two of you. If you feel the urge... go with it.
Thanks doc. you have put my mind at rest.
A couple of weeks later they meet by chance in the locker room at the golf club and agree to play as a foursome with their respective playing partners. During the round one of the players hits into the rough, and while searching for the ball the doctor goes across to the man and asks quietly -how are you getting on with your little 'problem'?
Funny you should ask, he says, just the other day I turned round and she was getting something from the bottom of the deep freezer and her skirt had ridden up her thighs and the view was very enticing. I looked, thought, and remembered your advice. So I didn't hesitate, up skirt down undies, bang I was there. she was a bit suprised, but it was marvellous.
There you go said the doctor, nothing wrong with good sex.
Yes, said the man; the only problem now is the shopping, as we are now banned from Tescos for life!


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: I like it.

Jock.


----------



## BJT

As it is a Bank Holiday in the UK, a couple of quick quips.

Snow White did not know the meaning of 7-up, until she drank too much vodka!

Q - What is the definition of a fancy man?
A - A man who has been circumcised using pinking shears.

Q - What is vergin' on the ridiculous?
A - A nun riding a penny farthing bike.

I'm out and about for a few days, someone else's turn.

TTFN


----------



## citroennut

a guy in glasgow wanted to be converted, they took him to the nearest rugby park and kicked him over the goal.


----------



## BJT

I was going to put another on this site today, but instead.. please go to... Jokes & Trivia/Sunday Morning sex.
It's a cracker.


----------



## pippin

BJT - 
_I was going to put another on this site today, but instead.. please go to... 
It's a cracker._

Funniest joke I have read for years - and I don't mean the one on Sunday morning sex.

Although I can't quite get the punch line!


----------



## BJT

OK - one for those who remember the swinging sixties (aaah memories).
Two girls, dressed in Mary Quant minidresses, with Biba accessories including flowers in their hair and badges worded 'make love not war' and the ilk were browsing the books on display in their local library.
One turned an said to the other "Do you like dickins?" She thought for a moment, frowned and said "I don't know, I've never been to one."


----------



## pippin

*RYANAIR open US subsidiary*

http://www.gowander.com/video-detail.php?id=487


----------



## citroennut

*Re: RYANAIR open US subsidiary*



pippin said:


> http://www.gowander.com/video-detail.php?id=487


so this is who ryanair get their ideas from :lol:

simon


----------



## Gorman

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. 
After waiting in line for a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asked. 
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." 
So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly, silver hair. 
She said, "That silver hair is proof enough for me," and processed his Social Security application. 
When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. 
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too." 

---------------------o0o--------------------

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.


----------



## Gorman

A circumcised man goes into Asda. and puts his penis on the conveyer belt and says 'try rolling that back!'

----------o0o----------

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, “Eddy what is your problem?” Eddy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
The teacher had had enough.
She took Eddy to the principal’s office.
While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Eddy: “9â€³.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Eddy: “36â€³.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Eddy can go to the third-grade.”
The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?”
The principal and Eddy both agree.
The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Eddy, after a moment, “Legs.”
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Eddy: “Pants”
Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Eddy was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Eddy: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Eddy: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Fire-truck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Hi Bill,

Although I have read it before, today's second offering strikes me as being very clever. 
The reason I don't tell jokes if out with the boys, is because I can never remember them. :? 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Ah no what you mean Jock, after ten pints am the same.


----------



## Gorman

A man and a woman are having dinner in a restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight. Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice. Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." "No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "He just walked in the door.

----------o0o----------

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman. "No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you!

----------o0o---------


----------



## Gorman

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that’s come off of me fly I canny button me pants."
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it" 
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. 
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?" 
"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in... 

----------o0o----------

SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG
1. You say 'pish' all the time 
2. You say 'aye' all the time 
3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish' 4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish, like'
5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet 
6. You punch everybody you meet 
7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.
8. You are incomprehensible. 
9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from 
10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh' or 'England'. 
11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.


----------



## Gorman

Two Irish men are walking along Kensington High Street when they see a sign. 

Suits £15.00 
Trousers £3.50 
Shirts £2.00 

One said to the other one "Will ye look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. When we go in the shop don’t say anything, let me do all the talking "cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us so I’ll speak in my best English accent." 

They go in and he orders, 

50 suits at £15.00 and 
50 trousers at £3.50 and 
100 shirts at £2.00 

The owner of the shop says "You’re Irish aren’t you" 

"Ah Bejaysus..... Yes, how de hell did ye know?", 

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners!!!!!" 

----------o0o-----------

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: "Ladies and Gentlemen" ".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard!" and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

"Well" he explained "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying "Dear Ladies and Gentlemen" ".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself " I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards!" and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying "Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."


----------



## citroennut

glad you're back :lol: a couple of good ones.

simon


----------



## Gorman

Server has just been restored. Good grief, I have been absolutely lost and it's too late for early burds, however.........................

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey
hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari
and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a *2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
*4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and *2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do.
What do you suggest?"
At this point, the girl’s father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You do her again."

----------o0o----------

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing "...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again... " The M.A. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" says the M.A.. "Any ash-hole can sing country music!"


----------



## Gorman

A teacher is in class with his pupils and he asks them what their daddies jobs are. The first one, Billy replies, "My dad is a Judge and he sends all the bad men to prison and he earns lots of money and we have a big house."
The teacher turns to Freddy and asks him. Freddy replies, "My dad has got his own business and he employs lots of people and he makes lots of money as well."
"Very good," says the teacher, "And what does your daddy do Sally?"
Sally replies, "My daddy is a research biologist and he discovers new treatments for diseases so that people can get better when they are sick. He earns lots of money as well and we have got a big house."
The teacher says to Johnny, "You are very quiet Johnny, what does your daddy do?"
Johnny replies, "My daddy is a drag queen and he goes round all the gay clubs performing rude acts on the stage. He gets paid very well for it and sometimes some of the men in the audience ask him back to their houses to perform special acts for them. If they do he gets paid an awful lot of money and we have got a big house and lots of cars."
"Thank you Johnny. The class may now leave but before you go Johnny I would like a word with you please." Johnny stops behind and the teacher says to him, "Johnny, is your daddy really a drag queen?"
"No," Replies Johnny, "but I would have been too embarrassed to tell the truth because the other boys would have made fun of me because my daddy is a failure and doesn't earn much money."
"You should not be ashamed of your father Johnny. What does he do that is so bad?"
"He plays cricket for England, Sir"
----------o0o----------
Three little ducks go into a Bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," said duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."


----------



## Gorman

Apple computers announced today the development of a computer chip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music. The I-breast will cost 399 euro and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always moaning that men just stare at their breasts and never listen to them.
---------o0o-----------
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to 
The counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for job". 
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing.
We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for a nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have
to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. 
Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and 
you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The salary package is £200,000 a year". 

The scouser said "You're bull-kak-in me!" 

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!" 
---------o0o---------
Biker Club...... 

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.
She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker
with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker
requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asked her, "You have a
bike?"
The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a
Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and
a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the
Fuzz?"
The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."

----------o0o----------


----------



## Gorman

Mary Sue of Ohio was a prominent member of her Church...She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

She remarried once more and this time has 5 more children. Alas, she finally died shortly after her third husband.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One catty member of the church leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

----------o0o----------

St Peter & the Old Couple

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. 
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. 
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. 
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. 
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' 
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' 
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play free, every day.' 
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' 
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. 
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. 
This is Heaven!' 
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' 

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'


----------



## Gorman

Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on 
British TV and radio 

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator- 
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting comment ator -
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of 
the Oxford crew.' 

5. US PGA Commentator - 
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is 
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his 
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team 
Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have 
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' 
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male 
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny 
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'


----------



## Gorman

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take do a pee, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."

"That’s nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a crap, but I have to sit on the crapper for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.

"You think you’ve got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I pee like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I crap like a pig." "So what’s the problem ?" ask the other two.

"I don’t wake up until 11:30 !!" 

---------o0o----------

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" 

The father, surprised answers, "Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts... 
In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm. 
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." 

"Onions?" 
"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry." 

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mum, how many types of willies are there?" 

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. 
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. 
In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." 

"A Christmas tree??" 
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."


----------



## Gorman

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane. 

Little while later the stranger turned to her and said, "Let’s talk. 
I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with 
your fellow passenger.’ 

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said 
to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?’ 

"Oh, I don’t know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" and 
he smiles. 

"OK, " she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask 
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff 
- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a 
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you 
suppose that is?’ 

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, 
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea.’ 

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to 
discuss nuclear power when you don’t know she-it.

----------o0o----------

One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he was not going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals.

Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start in on the fresh hay he had just put in the stall, he kicked it in the head.

He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked them in the head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again.

His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since you kicked the chickens, you’ll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you’ll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs." Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped on the family cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs. The boy looked at his mother and asked "Are you gonna tell him or should I?"


----------



## Gorman

The Blonde and the Motor Home 
A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel off prize label. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" 
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a minivan!" 
The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" 
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" 
Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" 
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL." 

----------o0o----------
An motor-homing couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.


----------o0o----------

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,

"Paint my house."


----------



## prof20

Sign on shop door - 'NO MORE THAN TWO M.P.'S ALLOWED IN SHOP TOGETHER AT ANY ONE TIME'.

(It tickled me anyway)

Roger.


----------



## Gorman

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.. 
"I’d love to be eight again" she replied. 

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day! 
He put her on every ride in the park: 
* The Death Slide 
* The Wall of Fear 
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster 
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme Park. 
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. 

Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. 
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&M’s. 
What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you useless ****" 

----------o0o----------

Chinese Horoscope

2007 - 
Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia 

2008 - 
Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing 

2009 - 
Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds around the globe. 


It gets worse........

next year...... 

2010 - 
Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
Something to think about, but not too hard......


----------



## Gorman

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people 
die of natural causes. 

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes 
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a 
replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway. 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.. 

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to 
criticism. 

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a 
whole box to start a campfire? 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll 
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' 

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to 
eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.' 

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at 
you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the 
window? 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


----------o0o----------


Maude, Mavis and Ethel were sitting on a bench at the old people's home, minding their own business ,when suddenly one of the more active male residents walked up to them, opened his raincoat and flashed
the three ladies. Maude and Mavis immediately had a stroke.

Ethel, bless her heart, also tried but couldn't quite reach.


----------



## JockandRita

Just caught up from the 28th May to the present. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Thanks Bill.

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Trailer Trash
You know you're really trailer trash when...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior / Senior prom dance had a crèche.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

----------0o0----------

At any given momen:t

FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
your reading this.


----------



## Gorman

Raisin Bread 
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. 
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. 
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. 
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. 
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. 
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. 
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. 
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?" 
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quivering'."

----------o0o----------

Drink Up 
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. 
So he gave her one.


----------



## BJT




----------



## Gorman

Doctors and Nurses

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
Afterwards, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, I bet you are a surgeon. She confirms it and asks how he knew. Easy, you’re always washing your hands.
She then says, I bet you’re an anesthetist.
Wow, how did you guess? asks the male doctor.


Never felt a thing!


----------



## Gorman

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex viz you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge £20 an hour.'
'...ist gut, but I must vorn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
'I vish zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'
She duly does this, balancing prec ariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you....'
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?'
'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....




VAIT FOR IT 
ITS COMING !!!! 




















Four-sprung Duck technique


----------



## BJT

Kwack, kwack :big7:


----------



## JockandRita

Gorman said:


> Four-sprung Duck technique


Och aye, the auld yins are always the best. :lol:

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

PS:






----------o0o----------

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game". 
Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help. 
Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply: 
"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."


----------



## JockandRita

Gorman said:


> "Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."


 :lol: Absolutely brilliant Bill. Very clever indeed.

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Thought you might like that, tell did you actually stand up and cock yer heid round??...................................I did, wonder how many others did.
Glad you enjoyed it!


----------



## JockandRita

Gorman said:


> Thought you might like that, tell did you actually stand up and cock yer heid round??...................................I did, wonder how many others did.
> Glad you enjoyed it!


No, I managed to suss it out as it was, but I had to turn the laptop upside down before Rita got it. :lol:

Great stuff.

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

----------o0o----------

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. 
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." 
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer -- brands from 12 different countries including Germany, Holland, Japan, Czech Republic, etc. 
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses." 
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that chunks of ice were forming out of the air on it. 
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" 
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out several kinds of hot, home-made hors d'oeuvres. 
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...." 
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Fine! Sit your arse down, shut the bleep up, drink your beer in your frozen mug, and eat your hors d' oeuvres because your married arse isn't going to a damned bar! Got it, ash-hole?" 

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?


----------



## Gorman

Who would have thought the economy would get this bad...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Jewish women are marrying for love.
Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.
Hot-wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great... the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

----------o0o----------

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk. 
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way. 
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling. 
"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball?" the man said smiling back. "Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

---------o0o---------

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,

The Flu

(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu jab.)


----------



## JockandRita

Gorman said:


> The Flu
> 
> (Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu jab.)


No 3 for me Bill. :lol:

Jock.

P.S. We are off out to an old country pub Bill on our bikes, but won't be supping any of that re-alcoholised (non alcopop) stuff that you drink out there. :wink: :wink: :wink:


----------



## Gorman

Jock, that re-alcoholised skoosh is coming out at aroud 5.5 to 6.5 ABV.
And is, on occasions, a pint (or three) to be reckoned with.


----------



## Gorman

I went into the Shell petrol station this morning and asked for five pounds worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

----------o0o----------

Hillbillies Clem and Maisy Sue get married, then head to the 'community honeymoon shack' up in the holler for the marriage consummating. Along about 11 that night Clem comes shuffling back down the holler and walks into his Ma and Pa's abode. "What you doin' back so soon, boy?" his Pa asks. "Well, Pa, it's this way" Clem starts out, "Maisy Sue and me, we cain't stay married." "And why's thet?" "Well, Pa, yeh see, Maisy Sue, she's a virgin!" To which his father replies "You did good, boy. If she ain't good enuff fer her own kind, she ain't good enuff fer you."

---------o0o---------

A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left... 

MORAL OF THE STORY :
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can think also.


----------



## citroennut

Gorman said:


> MORAL OF THE STORY :
> Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can think also.


a lot of women read 'hello' and 'chat'? and 'braindead weekly'
loved #2 though
simon


----------



## Gorman

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.
The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter anymore."
The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I 
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."
The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.
"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d 
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g, 
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s t e s t I c l e s !"

----------o0o----------

Aspiring Irish psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes at Trinity.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Dollymount, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Rathmines. 

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Tallaght, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The man replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."


----------



## Gorman

On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology. 

Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside. 

I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook." 

The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke. 

Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!"

---------o0o----------

A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." 
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.


----------



## Gorman

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.... 

----------o0o----------

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. 

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." 

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" 

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.


----------



## Gorman

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, I will not sell you any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had prescription."

----------o0o----------

An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office. 
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and says good bye.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. 
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, 
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. 
Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. 
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. 
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. 
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.


----------



## JockandRita

Just been catching up Bill, as I don't seem to get email alerts for the "Daily Titter", and it's "Ed Zachary" disease for me. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford : 


Dear Mrs. ***********, 

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. 

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras: 

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle. 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house-wares..... and watched what happened. 

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor-gas stove. 

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' 

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it. 

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the House-wares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were. 

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme. 

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels. 

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled' PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!' 

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.' 

And; last, but not least: 

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

------o0o---------

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look too long."


----------



## Gorman

An American tourist was walking along a London street on a windy day, when he noticed a beautiful woman walking towards him.
Suddenly, a gust of wind blew the woman's dress up, to reveal that she was wearing no knickers.
The American, trying to sound as English as possible, said to the woman: "It's a bit airy, isn't it, love?"
The woman scowled and replied angrily: "What the heck did you expect, feathers?"

----------o0o----------

The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid. 
"Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said. 
"A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested. 
The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie." 
The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?" 
The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron." 
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband. 
"I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied.

"Of course," the woman replied. 

"Then what about five more inches?"

----------o0o----------

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.


----------



## Gorman

Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking. Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma, "I don't know about you Ma, but I just don't get too much out of this oral sex stuff!"


----------o0o----------


Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" 
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" 
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?" 
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" 
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" 
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!" 
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?" 
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" 
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"


----------



## JockandRita

No 2 for me today Bill.
:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat up every single woman who walks into the bar, without any luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man, walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women in the place.
Disheartened by all this, the good-looking man asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women. What's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want, but I haven't been able to connect all night. What's going on?"
"Well," said the bartender, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows."

----------o0o-----------

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly.
The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce some excitement, unexpected lust, passion and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.
"Well," he says to the doctor, "I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home leaving rubber all over the road. I skidded all the way up the driveway (after I'd cleaned up the mail box). I slammed the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it, hammer and tongs, on the coffee table!"
"And did you enjoy it!?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.
"Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "No, but the Bible group thought it was pretty neat!"


----------o0o-----------

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies. "Are you feeling a bit shy?"
"No," he says. "Because it's burning my ass!"

-------------o0o--------------


----------



## JockandRita

It was going to be No1 today Bill...................until Rita and I read No3.

The two of us nearly peed ourselves laughing. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Cheers.

Jock.


----------



## JohnsCrossMotorHomes

*My first time!*

It was my first time ever

And I'll 
never forget

I'd do it 
again

Without a 
single regret.

The sky was 
dark

The moon 
was high

We were all 
alone

Just she 
and I.

Her hair 
was soft

Her eyes 
were brown

I knew just 
what

She wanted 
to do.

Her skin so 
soft

Her legs so 
fine

I ran my 
fingers

Down her 
spine.

I didn't 
know how

But I tried 
my best

I started 
by placing

My hands on 
her breast.

I remember 
my fear

My fast 
beating heart

But slowly 
she spread

Her legs 
apart.

And when I 
did it 
I felt no shame

All at 
once

The white 
stuff came.

At last 
it's finished

It's all 
over now

My first 
time ever

At milking 
a cow...

*
GOTCHA!!*


----------



## JockandRita

Cheers for that Peter. It's a wee cracker. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Jock & Peter, Thanks and 
cop yer whack for this lot:


Two sweet old ladies were sitting in the park one afternoon, feeding the birds, when a big burly guy walked up, and sat down beside them on the bench. After a minute, one of the old lady's whispered to the other. "Martha, this dirty bugger is masturbating right next to me!"
"Oh my lord! Well, let's just leave, Agnes," her friend replied with disgust.
"I can't," said the other. "He's using my hand."

----------o0o----------

A lady was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"

----------o0o-----------

Two nuns were on a remote beach. They decided to go behind a sand dune and sunbathe in the nude. They were lying there for a while when a photographer came by and pointed a camera at them. The first nun asked him, "Aren't you going to focus?"
The second nun said, "Quiet sister...let him take his picture first."

----------o0o-----------

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" 
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps, "One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal."


----------



## JockandRita

No's 3 & 4 today Bill. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

A Scottish man was taking a stroll down a country lane, where he meets up with a curious lady. She walks up to him and says, "They tell me that you people don't wear anything under those kilts."
The Scotsman says, "Feel and see for yourself."
So she did and says, "Oh, that's gruesome!" 
He says, "Try it again, it grew some more!"

----------o0o----------

The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman. "Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist." 
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.
"Eighteen," the lady replied. 
"Lady," he gasped, "You're not a nudist, you just don't have time to get dressed!"

----------o0o----------

The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of love making. The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one. 
"I can't help feeling that we've met before," he said. 
"Yeah, I know," sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'déjà screw'."

----------o0o----------

One day, shortly after having her 9th baby, the good Irish lady ran into her parish priest. He congratulated her on the new offspring, then said, "But isn't having nine babies a little much?"
"Well," she said, "I don't know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air."
"Yes," said the priest. "Your legs!"

----------o0o-----------

The two East Coast hookers decided to move to the West Coast and while driving through New Mexico they stopped at a little general store. Well, low and behold there were two older Indian women sitting on the front porch and the four women started up a conversation. 
The one older Indian woman said, "Well I'm a Navajo and she is an Arapaho." 
One of the East Coast hookers said, "No She-ate, Well, I'm a New York Ho and she is a Chicago Ho."


----------



## Gorman

Jeff and Linda are parked in Lover's Lane. He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching. "Awwwww Hell!" Jeff murmured, "Fuzz!"
"What did ya expect?" Linda says, "A perm?"

----------o0o----------

There were two old ladies at a dance. One says, "Do you remember the minuet?"
The other replies, "I can't even remember the ones I screwed."

----------o0o---------

This man went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"
The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"
"Well, I've got a bleep-on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

----------o0o----------
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

----------o0o-----------

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. 
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." 
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see that.... and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.


----------



## Gorman

THE ART OF FALLING APART

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapor-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart.

---------o0o----------

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six.

----------o0o----------

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that he had blessed all of mankind, but not womankind. 
So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be mankind and womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said they had noticed that he had blessed mankind and womankind and asked if he could also bless those who are gay. The Pope said, "OK." 
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti."


----------



## Gorman

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out. 
'Where have ye been all this tame? Why did ye no write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?
Can ye no understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Dad - I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!?! Out of here, ye shameless Harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK , Dad - as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, Title Deed to a ten bedroom mansion, and a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, I have this gold Rolex.
And for you, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition Convertible that's parked outside - plus a membership to the Country Club, (takes a breath) and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my New Yacht in the Riviera and......'
(Her father interrupts) 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!'
'Oh! Be Gosh! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said ye
became a Protestant. Now come here and give yer old Dad a big hug.'


----------



## JockandRita

Brilliant stuff Bill. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## BJT

Good to see you back again, brilliant joke as usual. :BIG:


----------



## Gorman

Thanks Jock, thanks BJT.


----------



## Gorman

One morning a long-wed couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..." 
The husband says: "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite." 

Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets..." 

The husband again refuses, "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra." 

Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls." 

The husband still refuses, "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite." 

The wife then firmly says "well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!"


----------



## Telbell

Got friends here for the weekend and just spent three hours catching up and reading them out!

Intended to get lots done but instead got belly ache with laughing!

Thanks Bill


----------



## Gorman

A blind man was describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that everything was done for him. “I am placed in the door and told when to jump,” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.” 

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. 

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered. 

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was asked. 

He quickly answered, “The dog’s lead goes slack.”

----------0o0-----------

One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation took place.

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She said, "Don’t forget your sweater.’ 

----------o0o----------

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that he is worried about his wife’s hearing. "I’m sure she is going deaf doctor. I often ask her questions and she doesn’t hear me. How can I test her hearing without her knowing?" 

The doctor thinks for a few seconds and replies, "The next time you walk into a room and her back is toward you, simply ask her a question in a soft voice and see if she answers. Keep asking the same question until she replies and just ask a little louder each time. You should be able to gauge her deafness by how loud you have to speak for her to hear you". 

Later that afternoon he returns home and walks into the kitchen to find his wife washing dishes with her back toward him. Quietly he asks, "What’s for tea dear?" to which he gets no reply. He tries again. " What’s for tea dear?" Still he gets no reply. He walks closer to his wife and says, a little louder this time, "What’s for tea dear?" At this point his wife spins round and screams into his face, "For the third time, steak and chips you deaf bar-steward."


----------



## Gorman

Paddy goes to the doctor complaining of a hearing problem. 

Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms?" 

Paddy replies, "Homer’s fat and Marge has blue hair".

----------o0o----------

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. 
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her 
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. 

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. 

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped, and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. 
. 
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. 
"Why are you stopping, darling?" she whispered. 
He whispered back, "I found the TV remote." 

----------o0o----------


Words of Wisdom:

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.

"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson

"Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house."
Steven Segal

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"Ah, yes, divorce , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams.


----------



## Gorman

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight."

----------o0o----------

A group of kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo train. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word." 

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the she-ite!"

----------o0o---------


Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. 

"Aye, a whusky" Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he’d like one. 

"Never!" he said sternly. "I’d rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!" 

Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"


----------



## Gorman

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have
got it from your mother, cause I still have mine..'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,' 'That's
very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few quid myself.
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed into Emergency took the
husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you.' The old man says without hesitation , 'I now pronounce you man and
wife.' 
-----------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A ******* Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------
A man is recovering from a vasectomy when the surgical nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four
letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,'
asked the nurse..
'Oops!'
-----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in
one.' He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap
of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even
more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the
Vicar and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

Two little kids lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze!'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second kid says, 'Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year


----------



## Gorman

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and bleeps off.

----------o0o----------

•	Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? 
•	Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 
•	Why don't you ever see the headline, "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
•	Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 
•	Why do doctors call what they do "practice"? 
•	Why do you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XT or 2000? 
•	Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? 
•	Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
•	Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food? 
•	Who tastes dog food to check it has a "new & improved" flavor? 
•	Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
•	Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 
•	Why don't they make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box? 
•	Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
•	Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
•	Why do they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? 

---------o0o----------

Man: I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 
Doctor: That sounds like you’ve got the Tom Jones Syndrome. 
Man: Is it common, doctor? 
Doctor: Well, ‘It's Not Unusul.


----------



## Gorman

Dave the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur’s court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. 

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Dave the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Dave the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Horatio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen. 

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Dave the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch. King Arthur quickly summoned Dave the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Dave the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Dave the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero. 

Upon returning to his chamber, Dave the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Dave the Dragon Slayer could not have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made. 

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur’s loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Dave the Dragon Slayer... 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

----------o0o----------

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several 
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. 

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... you know what?" 

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 

"I think you’re bad luck, get the bleep away from me."


----------



## JockandRita

Just been playing catchup Bill, since 29/07 due to no email notifications.............again!!!

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15 years."
And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."
And it was so.

Finally, God created Man, and told him, " You will be the smartest creature that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."


And it was so - God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren. 

----------o0o----------

A guy is driving around Ireland and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." 

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The guy goes into the garden and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. 

"You talk?" he asks. 
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies. 
"So, what’s your story?" 

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6 about my gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired." 

The guy is amazed! He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

"Ten pounds," the Paddy says. 

"Ten ponds? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" 

"Because he’s a bleeping liar.... He never did any of that she-it!!!" 

----------o0o----------

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it’s gorgeous red paintwork.

An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have a bloody clue what was wrong.

Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That’s a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I’m afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: No's 2 & 3 for me Bill.

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## CliffyP

Old lady walking down the road and see's an Old man comming the other way, she stops him and says 'I know you don't I, you used to be a strongman in the Circus' he replied ' why yes I was'.

She said I remember you could bend an Iron Bar over your penis, he replied ' Aye but I can't do it anymore - My wrists have gone'
*****
Tiger Woods comes to town and picks up a Golf Groupie.

They go back to his Hotel and he gives her a good seeing to, afterward he rolls of and lies back proud of his work, she sighed an said ' when Nick Faldo was here he did it again.

Not a word said and he's at it again. When finished she said, sorry but Nick managed it again. This went on for six times, and she then said Nick was a wonderful lover he managed it yet again, Tiger crawled out of bed and dragged himself to the phone, she said 'what are you doing' he said Im ringing Nick Faldo to find out what the Par is for this h**e.


----------



## CliffyP

Teacher is a school in Liverpool say's to class can any one give me a poem with the word 'Fascinate' in.

Little Tyrone jumps up ' please please please Miss'

Ok she says go on.

Iv'e got a duffle coat
I think its really great
It got nine toggles
But I can only Fasten Eight.


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he’d get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages". 

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gave her a call. 


"Hello?" the woman says. 

God she sounded sexy! "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I "m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" 

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".

----------o0o-----------

One for the ladies:
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:- 

Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that. 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 

1. Saturday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 

1. Crying is blackmail. 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. 
See a doctor. 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 
We have no idea what Mauve is. 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 

1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars. 

1. You have enough clothes. 

1. You have too many shoes. 

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping. 

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. 

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

----------o0o---------

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what’s happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The DI is taken to the last body. "Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.


----------



## JockandRita

Three excellent entries today Bill. :lol: :lol: 

I am pleased.........nay, proud to say that I totally agree with No 2. :wink: 

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## BJT

Just catching up after having the Grandchildren for a few days. You really do pick up some cracking jokes, please keep them coming. I know a few, but most are unprintable!!

One clean one -- Teacher in class one morning "Today children we are going to learn some words that mean the same as words that we already know, it is called develpoing your vocabulary. I am going to start you with the word - better -; can any of you tell me another word that means the same as -better?" Mary puts up her hand. Yes Mary? Please miss - indifferent. Puzzled teacher asks " you think indifferent means the same as better?" Yes miss. Can you tell me why you think better and indifferent mean the same? Well miss, I woke up the other night and as I went across the landing to the bathroom I heard mummy say "that's better it's in-different".


----------



## Gorman

One winter morning John and his wife were listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through. John's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.." John's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." 
Then the power goes out. John's wife is very upset and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, John says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

----------o0o----------

There was this traveling salesman from California , headed to New York City. He was a salesman for this electronic company. He traveling east he comes across this detour and follows it. It's getting late it's 9:00 o'clock in the evening then bang he blows out a tire. He makes his way to a nearby farmhouse to ask if there's a spare room he can stay the night in. Then fix his car in the morning.

The farmer says "yes there is one room, but you'll have to share it with my 3 ....sons"

The salesman replies -

*"I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong joke"*

----------o0o----------

A young girl from Donegal, Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat..

Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin" an" it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" 
Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This 
time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom . . . same, "Won it at bingo!"

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.

She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin" yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

You can never fool Mum!


----------



## JockandRita

Begorrah Bill, number three's a cracker. :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.
‘For example,’ he suggested, ‘you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.’
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
‘Well, okay,’ the hesitant wife agreed, ‘but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second…’ she continued, ‘you have to promise we won’t go past my parents’ house.’

----------o0o-----------

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.
After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."
She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".
"OK" he says, "you're bleeping ugly as well!"

----------o0o----------

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a fiddle?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was very well endowed.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"


----------



## Gorman

A teacher was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.
He asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now He was starting to smile.
' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'. He was just bursting with pride for
them.
He continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out " YUV GOTTA BE FIRKIN DEAD.........."

-----------o0o-----------

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with wee-wee’s a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

----------o0o----------

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."


----------



## JockandRita

Nos 2 & 3 for me today Bill. :lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Telbell

Yeah....liked 3 :lol: :lol:


----------



## teemyob

*Laughter*

Excellent, pure comedy.


----------



## Gorman

"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No, I don't think so. Fifi is in heat," replied the mother. "What does that mean?" asked the child. Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, "Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, "Bring Fifi over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" her father asked. "She should be here in a minute," advised the daughter. "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

----------o0o----------

Researcher: Excuse me madam, I'm conducting a survey.
Woman: Yes, what is it about?
Researcher: We are asking people what they think about sex on the television...
Woman: Very uncomfortable, I would imagine!

----------o0o-----------

Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a sex toy?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go bleep herself!"

----------o0o-----------

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. 
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him. 
She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina". 
The old guy says "God, I hope so, because you've got the ugliest boobs I've ever seen."


----------



## JockandRita

Cheers Bill.

Nos 1 & 4 today. :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## moblee

Hi,

I met this Native Australian playing "Dancing queen" on 
his didgeridoo,I thought that's Abba riginal :lol: :lol:


----------



## Gorman

An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?

"He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

----------o0o-----------

A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

...and had to sit down while urinating.

----------o0o----------

A man phones work and says "Sorry, I can't come in today I'm sick."
The boss says "How sick are you?"
"Well", the man replies "you judge - I'm in bed with my sister."

----------o0o----------

There were these two English chaps having lunch in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

They approached the waitress and said that they were having trouble pronouncing where they were and asked her to say it really slowly for them

She answered *B - U - R - G - E - R - K - I - N - G*


----------



## JockandRita

Hi Bill,

As the old saying goes, many a true word said in jest, ie, No2. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Mujibar was trying to get a job..

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, "I am ready.'

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, "Go ahead...'

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

----------o0o----------

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of thought, it comes to one in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I think blinking is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. " I am sure Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light"

After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid points but I think diarrhea wins !"
"What the feck are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three other guys.

"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shat myself !"

----------o0o----------

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to **** off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "Because I fooking didn't"


----------



## JockandRita

Three absolute crackers there Bill. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Great stuff.

Jock.


----------



## mygalnme

A drunk walking home after a heavy dinnertime session
comes to a river where a priest is baptizing people....the priest says to him "would you like to find Jesus my son?" the drunk replies "yesh please"
so the priest pushes his head down into the river, when he comes up says "did you find Jesus?" "no" says the drunk, so puzzled the priest pushes him down again,for longer this time, the drunk comes up spluttering, "surely you found Jesus this time my son?" "No says the drunk, are you sure this is where he fell in??"


----------



## BJT

Gorman, 
You've got three crackers today.  
Yes, I've met that perishing call centre 'gentleman'.  
Yes, the Irish logic works.  
and Yes,the vampire bat one is great as well.


----------



## Gorman

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
----------o0o----------
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop masturbating.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
----------o0o----------
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
----------o0o----------
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
----------o0o----------
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
----------o0o----------
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
----------o0o----------
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
----------o0o----------
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."
----------o0o----------
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
----------o0o----------
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
----------o0o----------
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

----------o0o------------
This guy knocks at the door, the door opens and there is a twelve year old boy standing there wearing stockings, suspenders and a lacey bra, holding a glass of red wine in one hand and a large Cuban cigar in the other. 
Somewhat taken aback, the guy says "Oh, erm, is your Mother in?", and the boy says "What d’you fooking think?" 

----------o0o----------

A very popular Scotsman dies in Glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I’d like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" 

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?" 

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You won’t get many words for that but write something and we’ll see if it’s ok" 

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid". He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. 

The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again. 

The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale" 

----------o0o----------

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don’t think you understand, I want something very special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here’s a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweler said. 
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We’ll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There’s no money in that account." 

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" 

----------o0o----------

A nun walked into Mother Superior’s office and plunked down into a chair. She let out a sigh, heavy with frustration."What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." 

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." 

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So your day of recreation was not relaxing?" 

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!" 

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior. "You must tell me all about it!" 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother. 

A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. 

The sweetest swing I ever made....it was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hit a bird in mid-flight, not 100 yards off the tee!" 

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!" 

"No, that wasn’t it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel ran out of the woods, grabbed my ball and ran off down the fairway!" 

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior. 

"But I didn’t, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of myself! 

While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swooped down, grabbed the squirrel and flew off, with my ball still clutched in the squirrel’s paws!" 

"So that’s when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. 

"Nope, that wasn’t it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "....as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right on the green. 

The ball popped out of the squirrel’s paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup! " 

Mother Superior sat abruptly back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fooking putt, didn’t you?"


----------



## JockandRita

Absolutely brilliant stuff Bill, and every one a gem too. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

Thanks Jock,
Must admit though it's getting a wee bit difficult coming up with new ones, and having read through the initial offerings, at least I have not repeated myself.
Still, it's something to do after I clock off.

PS: One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out,
"Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is “bleeping” the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required.
"You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow" - not some filth you picked up in the City," he says.
A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"
The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A bull cannot "surprise" more than one cow at a time you know...".
"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He’s “bleeping” the horse!"


----------



## BJT

Gorman, you must have many friends to get sent so many good jokes. Love the one about the golfing nun!


----------



## Gorman

*F.A.O. - BJT*

You would not believe me if I told you. But mind I'm in a quite advantageous position in as much that I work with lots of different people of different nationalities, for example:

Surprising the cows, was from a lad called Mohammad Zaki, from Alexandria in Egypt.

The page containing the Golfing Nun was from a lad called Norman Zuckerman, who was an ex-New York cab driver and whose claim to fame was that he base jumped from one of the Towers prior to (obviously) 7/11.

Mujibar the telephone banker was actually from a mate called Godfery Ranjid Pereraz who lives in Kerala and whose Dad, believe it or believe it not flew Spitfires during WW-II

Off course a lot of them come from the North Sea, Gulf of Mexico, and various other oil rich destinations.

BJT ah could write a book, in fact one of these days that's exactly what I might just do.

And on a closing note: and you might have to put a bit of thought into this,

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horse riding, swimming, roller-skating..."


----------



## Gorman

The Priest............in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. 
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. 
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church During mass, he asked the congregation, 
'Has anybody got a cock?' 
All the men stood up. 
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up. 
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?' 
Half the women stood up. 
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. 
Has anybody seen MY cock?' 
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

----------o0o----------

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins 
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey , it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000, Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure , go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$390,000.

MAN: "OK , but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh , and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $2,950,000 for it.

MAN: "Well , then go ahead and give them an offer of $2,800,000, They will probably take it. If not , we can go the extra $150 , 000 if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you , too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment , mouths agape.

He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

-----------o0o------------

Story About Getting Even
One December day, we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her 'Pussycat'.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened, and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

----------o0o-----------

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "*Yeah, my wife*!"


----------



## JockandRita

All good Bill, with No's 1 & 3 in particular for me. :lol: :lol: 

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## pippin

I hope this is not already on here.

In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.


"I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling MP before I die", whispered the priest.


"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.


The nurse sent the request to The Houses of Parliament and waited for a response.


Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.


As they went to the hospital, Brown commented to Darling,


"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm in it to win so I can claim for a new car".


Darling agreed that it was a good thing.


When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left.


There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.


Finally Gordon Brown spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"


The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after
Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."


"Amen", said Brown. "Amen", said Darling.


The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."


----------



## Gorman

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father’s details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. 

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was Fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 

4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced. 

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I’d have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can’t be sure which one made you fart.


----------



## JockandRita

Excellent stuff. :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's 'little soldier' can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doctor thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "Listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out... Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the doctor profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went. The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for thirty years!"

----------o0o-----------

*The International Council of Man Laws*

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: 
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. 
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. 
(c) After wrecking your boss's car. 
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.

4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. 
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. 
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.

10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

21. Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, yellow, orange or sky blue.

22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' 
gets an Xbox 360 or a Playstation- End of story.

23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. 
Ever.

24. Never wear a man bag to work.

25. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

*'GUTS*' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'*BALLS'* is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next, fatty!'


----------



## Gorman

Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, life), here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile. 

1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. 

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. 

4. No one knows your secret place. 

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world. 

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater. 

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.


----------



## JockandRita

Gorman said:


> Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, life), here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
> The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
> 
> 1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
> 
> 2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
> 
> 3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
> 
> 4. No one knows your secret place.
> 
> 5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
> 
> 6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
> 
> 7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
> 
> There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.


Nice one Bill. :lol:

Jock.


----------



## pippin

Depressed me - I imagined myself as the person being held under water!

Now, where is that pre-prepared suicide note?

Be it upon your conscience.


----------



## Gorman

Intersting facts:

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). 

The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. 

Women blink twice as often as men. 

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain. 

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 



Women reading this will be finished now. 

Keep going
<
<
<
<
<













Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.




Keep going

<
<
<

Exercise for people over 50...... 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. 

----------o0o----------

The Japanese camera manufacturers have quite a reputation for their superb technology and ever improving products. One camera maker has developed a new camera with a very fast shutter speed to improve the quality of pictures it can take. The shutter speed is so very fast that it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!!!


----------



## Gorman

Singles ad

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed.

It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.

Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

scroll doon!












Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## BJT

Yep, mans' best friend is his dog. Good one Gorman.


----------



## 107850

*Country Life*

Deep in the West Country an old farmer was showing a young farm hand around the various fields in the farm.

They came to one which was a beautiful green meadow rolling uphill to a small copse on top of a low hill. The field was full of sheep and a couple of goats.

The old farmer pointed his walking stick to the trees at the top of the hill.
"That copse up thur" he says, "That copse up thur is where I first had sex."

The young farm hand turned to him a little embarrassed at this revelation.

"Oh yes" he stuttered.

"Aye," says the old man. "It wur. An' you know what? Her mother was watchin us"

The young farm hand blushed even more at the rather inappropriate direction the conversation was heading.

"Aye, she wur. " said the farmer.

"What did she say, the mother that is?" asked the young man.

"Oh nothin much," replied the old man.

"Just Baaaa"


----------



## JockandRita

:lol: :lol: 

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

In the year 2007 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, HM Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. *"The British government beat me to it."*


----------



## MalanCris

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything; I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, 
all I asked was "how are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and
haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken
jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she
wanted decking on the patio

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is
to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b******s!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right. After 8 pints I talk s**t and can't drive!

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel
in my room disabled" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sicko"

A mate of mine has just told me he's s******g his girlfriend and her
twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me"
"Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy b*****d and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"


----------



## Gorman

Aye no bad, yer getting there!! Number three is quite good and has already been sent off worldwide, do I owe you anything???


----------



## JockandRita

I liked No's 6 & 8.

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

*THOUGHTS FOR 2009*:

10-Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can Die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

*AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2009:*

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of Cars in Britain......
But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located.

Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of Immigration.......


----------



## MalanCris

5 & 8 got me giggling :lol: :lol:


----------



## JockandRita

MalanCris said:


> 5 & 8 got me giggling :lol: :lol:


It was No's 8 & 1 for me. :lol: :lol:

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

After months of ill-health, a man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterwards, the doctor comes out with the results.
'I'm afraid I have some very bad news,' says the physician. 'You're dying, and you don't have much time left.' 
'Oh, that's terrible!' says the man. 'How long have I got?' 
'Ten,' the doctor replies, shaking his head. 
'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?' 
The doctor looks at him sadly. 'Nine …

----------o0o----------

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.
"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye Bleep ONE sheep...."
----------o0o----------

One for the Ladies remember - - - when you are *"STRESSED"* spelling it backwards is *"DESSERTS"*


----------



## 107850

Nice one!! :lol:


----------



## rayrecrok

Gorman said:


> This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.
> "Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
> 
> He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."
> 
> "But ye Bleep ONE sheep...."
> ----------o0o----------
> 
> ]


I have the perfect victom for this joke with a bit of tweaking to an English person, who goes diveing.


----------



## Gorman

Children's Science Exam 
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these real children's science exam answers . . . 


Q: Name the four seasons. 
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. 
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes 
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.. 

Q: How is dew formed? 
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. 

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?(Brilliant, love this!) 
A: Keep it in the cow. 

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? 
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. 
All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, 
and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. 

Q: What are steroids? 
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

Q: What happens to your body as you age? 
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental 

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? 
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. 
(The kid gets an A+ for this answer!) 

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. 
A: Premature death. 

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen) 
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, 
and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U. 

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie. 

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...) 
A: Nearby. 

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.' 
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome. 

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?' 
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.


----------



## Gorman

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues 
decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a civil 
servant was dispatched from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum in York, to 
investigate the possibilities.
"We have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," the curator told the civil 
servant, "But they’re mostly freight locomotives."
"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a former prime minister, how about that big green one, over there?" The official said, pointing to no.4472.
"That´s already got a name" said the curator. "It´s called `Flying Scotsman´."
"Oh, couldn't it be renamed?" asked the official. "This is a national museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."
"I suppose it could be considered," was the answer. "After all, the LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the company and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."
"So that´s settled then. Let's look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? 
We can´t spend too much, given the recession."
Well, said the Museum official, "We could just paint out the `F´."

----------o0o----------

Little Johnny Strikes again...............................

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital
Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be bleeped if he needed 
glasse"s.

----------o0o-----------

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. '
My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?' 
No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men.' '
What's your name?' she asked. He said, 'Bob... Bob Titsenbeerbum.


----------



## Gorman

A famous pharmaceutical company has developed a cure for Lesbians.
It comes in tablet form and is called,

TRYDIKSAGAIN

----------o0o----------

Mother Superior......was talking to all the nuns.

'We have a case of Chlamydia in the convent'

The old nun at the back of the room replies,

'I hope it's better than that case of Chardonnay we had last week'

----------o0o-----------

*MARRIED AGAIN *

The 11th Husband

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?" 
Well,

Husband No.1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband No. 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

Husband No. 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up and running.

Husband No. 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband No. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

Husband No. 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband No. 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband No. 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

Husband No. 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband No. 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited". 
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT... 
This time I KNOW I am going to get SCREWED."


----------



## JockandRita

No's 2 & 3 for me.

Excellent stuff Bill,

Jock.


----------



## Gorman

*NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESUMED ON THE 23rd OF SEPTEMBER*

Well folk's thanks for watching-reading as the case may be, and thanks for some of the amusing comments, on a parting note, I offer you the following, enjoy!!

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning 
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . .. which 
part of your body goes first?" 
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you 
think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in 
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?" 
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the 
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was 
saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" 
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

----------o0oo---------

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. 
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. 
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. 
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. 
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 
'They're mating,' her father replied. 
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. 
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. 
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs. 
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. 
'Well, we're not having any of that poofter she-it in our garden' she said.

----------o0o----------

Picture an old, musty saloon in Texas filled with old West and cattle raisin' memorabilia. At the bar an older rough-and-ready cowhand with a dirty Stetson, well-worn boots and faded Levi's sits with a glass and a half-empty bottle of "Red Eye". 
A beautiful young lady comes in and sits right beside him. She looks him over and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?" 
He looks back at her and says, "I get up at the crack of dawn, saddle an old horse, round up longhorns, corral doggies, rope and brand calves, eat dust from moving herds, live on half-baked beans and bad coffee 365 days a year. Yeah, I'm a real cowboy. 
Are you a real model?" 
"No," she says. "I'm a lesbian. I wake up in the morning thinking how empty my bed looks without a sweet young, naked girlish body lying next to me. I bathe wishing there was a young nubile body in there with me that I could rub with soap. I go to breakfast thinking of pert little breasts and nice flat tummies that I would love to massage. I spend the whole day thinking of nude girls and naked mature women. 
Yes, I'm a real lesbian." 
An hour later another pair of tourists sits down beside the old cowpoke and ask, "Are you a real cowboy?" 
He looks at them and says, "I always thought so until an hour ago when I found out I was a lesbian."

Toodle-pip for now................


----------



## JockandRita

Three crackers...............again. :lol: 

Cheers,

Jock.


----------



## BJT

Oh yes, three good ones again!! Enjoy time away from the dry (in both senses) Gulf States; I'm waiting for the 24th!


----------



## pippin

Quick Test.
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION
You are in England , York to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.


THE TEST
Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

1) You can save the life of Gordon Brown.
Or...
2) You can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!


THE QUESTION
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
















Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?


----------



## kaybee327

For me it's got to be black n white, cant stand the *** in colour    

Keith


----------



## steco1958

I would always shoot in colour,,you can then change it to B&W in photoshop.

but the bigger result would be Gb would be out of my life !!!!

Result


----------



## locovan

I would save him and pull him out -- then choose HD video--- throw him back to record him screaming in MP3 quality and colour film of coarse. :lol: :lol:


----------



## Gorman

*And were off!!*

*Italian Stallion*

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."


----------



## joedenise

Loved it welcome back.



joe


----------



## eddied

Ciao and welcome back. I didn't realise I'd told anybody that experience!
saluti,
eddied (aka guido)


----------



## Gorman

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." 
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." 
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." 
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." 
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. 
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. 
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." 
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. 
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done “bleep” all but moan since you've been here."


----------



## Telbell

Very Good!
:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Gorman

A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists. 
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom. 
The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically. "How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist. "Six pence," says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence," says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. 

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."


----------



## BJT

Spoken like a true Scot; welcome back.
Just caught up with the last few days, cracking good jokes as ever. Long may your sporran hold a stock of them!! :BIG:


----------



## 1943

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. 




One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat. 


After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.' 

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi's shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.' 

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it. 

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours: 
'Why does it have to be this way? 
'How long must this go on? 
'This fighting between our nations? 
'This hatred? 
'This animosity? 


'This spitting in shoes and p*****g in cokes?'


----------



## Gorman

Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off to rugby with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

*And for the Ladies*

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


----------



## Gorman

Fred died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly... The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Joe and Sid. The three men had always done everything together. Joe arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Joe said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad... You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Joe said, 'Nope, it ain't Fred.' The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Sid in to confirm the identity of the body.
Sid looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up... Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Sid said, 'No, it ain't Fred.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Sid said, 'Well, Fred had two ash-oles.'
'What? He had two ash-holes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Fred with them two ash-oles.'


----------



## tinkering

:lol:    :lol: :lol:


----------



## Gorman

Life in the Australian Army... 

Dear Mum & Dad, 

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick 

Smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! 

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. Youdon't get fed again until noon and by 

That time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! 

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload! 

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. 

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. 

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is. 
Your loving daughter, 
Sheila


----------



## Gorman

An Italian Mother

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner... who lives with a female roommate Maria...
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate 
was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was
more between Anthony and roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
'Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' 
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you 'did not'
take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which read:
Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But
the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma


----------



## pippin

I thought it was the frying pan!!

Good joke though.


----------



## Gorman

*~~~SLIGHTLY NAUGHTY~~~*

Two cowboys are talking about sex.

One says "I like the rodeo position best"

'I haven't heard of that, what is it?' says the other.

"Well you get your girlfriend down on all fours and 
cup her breasts in your hands from behind 
then you whisper in her ear"

"These feel just like your sisters, 
then try to hold on for 8 seconds".

----------oOo----------

Two eggs boiling in the pan, 1 female and 1 male. The female egg says, 'Look' I have a crack' 'No good telling me,' replies the male egg, 'I'm not hard yet.
[/b]


----------



## Gorman

Cricket teams are famous for "sledging" opposing players, 

A selection of the best: 

Fred Trueman. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother" he replied. 

Australian fast bowler Merv Hughes & Viv Richards during a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. Richards remarks to Merv "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say bleep off." 

Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad during 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman. 

Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?" Botham replies "my wife's fine but the kids are bleeping retarded" 

Aussie fan and Phil Tufnell - Fielding on the boundary whilst on tour in Australia, England spinner felt the sledging wit of an Australian spectator: “Tufnell! Can I borrow your brain? I’m building an idiot.” 

Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock - After beating the bat with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces." Ponting hammered the next ball out of the ground and retorted: "You know what it looks like, now go find it." 

And my personal favourite: 

Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so bleeping Fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because every time I Bleep your wife, she gives me a biscuit"


----------



## Gorman

MARRIAGE QUOTES BY MEN

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 

----------o0o----------

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."

"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."


----------



## BJT

Bill,
Were you wearing stetson and spurs when you posted on the 3rd?????????
YeeeeHaaaah


----------



## Gorman

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 

'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.'

----------o0o----------

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


----------



## Gorman

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. 
However, as soon as they settled down, the man leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy Be-yatch."

----------O0O----------

Come oan Referee..


----------



## Gorman

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on 
British TV and radio 

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator- 
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator -
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 

5. US PGA Commentator - 
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is 
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his 
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team 
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have 
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' 
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male 
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.' 

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny 
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

----------o0o-----------

Guy in hospital with 60 % burns,
Dr Says:
Give him some Viagra
Nurse asks 
Do you think that will help?
Dr replies
No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!


----------



## Gorman

*Freudian Slip………………*

There were three priests at a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass...well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."


----------



## Gorman

You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot handle.
You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!
1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.
I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! 
You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

----------o0o----------

5 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Hu, Fu and Su decided to immigrate to the US .
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck

Bu became Buck

Hu became Huck
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Fu and Su decided to stay in China


----------



## tinkering

You are so right,wellI just had to give it a try :lol: :lol:


----------



## BJT

Yet more gems Gorman.
Hands up all those who tried the '6 in the air'? Brain and limb co-ordination!


----------



## Gorman

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George, "My friend, the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000 dollars." The Consul continued, "In most of these cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150 dollars". George thinks for some time, and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back. That's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price between $5,000 and $150 dollars." "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem, and on the third day he was resurrected. Consequently, I do not want to take that chance!"

----------o0o----------

Q: What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?

A: The vulture waits till you are dead before it eats your heart out.


----------



## geraldandannie

:lol: Like 'em, Bill :wink:

Gerald


----------



## Gorman

A Scotsman an Italian and an Irishman were in an English pub one night, when the Scotsman says "At my local you buy the 1st drink and the 2nd drink, then they give you the 3rd drink free."

"That’s nothing" says the Italian "At home in my country, youa buya the 1st drink they buya you the 2nd drink and you gat a freea pasta meala!"

The Irishman looks up and says "That’s nothing in Dublin THEY buy you the 1st drink and the second drink and the 3rd then they take you down the alleyway and give you a damn good bleep!"

"Wow" say the Scotsman and the Italian "Has this happened to you ?" "No" says the Irishman, "but that’s what my sister says"

---------o0o----------

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. 

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! 

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a week. Why?” 

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!” 

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?” 

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”


----------



## Gorman

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. 

Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." 

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given me. What could the bad news possibly be?" 

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

----------o0o----------

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. 

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. 

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. 

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked. 

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."


----------



## Gorman

A Cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got
older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

----------o0o----------

In ancient times the great Norse gods were engaged in a protracted orgy. It had gone on for several days. Finally, all were completely sated. The first to rouse from his slumber was the Great Norse God Thor. He stood, reached down, picked up his wrap and placed it around his waist. He looked around the Great Hall, noticing and remembering all the beautiful women with whom he had had occasion to copulate. He was very pleased. He took several deep breaths and realized he was rejuvenated. Looking about the Great Hall, he noticed movement back against the back wall. Squinting his eyes for sharper focus, he saw a young lady struggling to gain her feet. She was supporting herself on one of the great columns. She was beautiful. It had been her first orgy and she had had a really great time. Thor realized that he had not had this particular beauty over the past several days. She was up. He was up, so to speak. Why not? "Hello!", he bellowed. "I'm Thor!" "You're thor?", she said. "Why, I'm tho thor, I can hardly pith!"


----------



## Gorman

Two priest's were taking a pee in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's appendage. He says "I’m not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isn’t that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. I’m down to two butts a day"!

----------o0o----------

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he 
realized he needed to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the crotch.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was visited by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.""What's the bad news?" asked the hunter."The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?""Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Detroit Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."


----------



## Gorman

The Grandparent Diaries 

1. I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" 

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" 

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, and it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied. 

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." 

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!" 

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6." 

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." 

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child." 

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants." 

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." 

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him! 

15. My grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.


----------



## Gorman

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to pi$$ on our hands.

----------o0o----------

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."


----------



## Gorman

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

----------o0o----------

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. 

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. 

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. 

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. 

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. 

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." 

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. 

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes. 

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." 

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep it!!"


----------



## Gorman

*~~TEACHER COMMENTS & LIGHT A CANDLE~~~*

The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives. All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!!!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack", but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's I.Q. reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

---------o0o----------

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. 
Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ya two years ago?" 
She replied "Aye, that you did, Father." 
"And be there any little ones yet?" 
"No, not yet, Father," said she. 
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week. I'll light a candle fer ya." 
Oh, thank ya, Father." And away she went. 
Some years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" 
"Oh, very well," said she. 
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?" 
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - oh yes, ten in all." 
"Now isn't that wonderful!" he said. "And how is your wonderful husband?" 
"Oh," she said, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer' fookin' candle."


----------



## Gorman

*~~VARIATION ON AN AULD YIN~~*

IT'S A PURE DEAD GIVE-AWAY THAT YOU'RE SCOTTISH IF :-

1. You consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine is good 
weather

2. The only sausage you like is square

3. You were forced to do Scottish country dancing every year at secondary 
school

4. You have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty, 
aye, aye right, auldjin, baltic...

5.. You destroyed your teeth when you were young using Cow toffee, Wham 
bars, Penny Dainties, MB Bars, Cola Cubes etc

6. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a 'numpty' 
team like the Faroe Islands

7. You happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone 
you've never met before

8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia , Deacon 
Blue and Big Country, you still love it 
When you're in a club abroad and they play something Scottish or in some 
karoke pit where the sados hang out 
But of course you NEVER sing as you are more refind and have class

9. You used to watch Glen Michael's Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with 
his side kick Lamp Paladin

10. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas and kept them

11. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent - "Awright, 
pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic pal." Or "Fit a 
bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, he ?", etc

12. You see cops and hear someone shout 'Errapolis'

13. You have participated in or watched people having a 'square go'

14. You know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only 
want to know if you are catholic or protestant

15. You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince 'n 
tatties, Tunnock's Caramel Logs, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen skink, Lees 
Macaroon Bars, etc

16. A jakey has asked you for money

17. You think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from a 
shop keeper

18. You know the right response to 'Ye dancing ?' is 'Y'askin?' followed 
by 'Ahm askin' and finally 'Then ahm dancin'

19. Whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit as that's 
what the jannies used to chuck on it at school

20. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn't wear a kilt

21. You don't do shopping... You 'go the messages up the street'

22. You're sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you 
telling you a joke - and asking 'Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?' and you 
respond 'Naw, not at a', yer fine. 
This is ma stoap, but'

23. You can have an entire phone conversation using only the words 
'awright', 'aye' and 'naw'

24. You have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink when ut 
- regardless of the circumstances

25.. You know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and 
that seven hundred hungry weans'll testify tae that. Further more you're 
sure that if it's butter, cheese or jeely, or if the breid is plain or 
pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99 tae wan

26. You know that going to a party at a friend's h ouse involves bringing 
your own drink

27. Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in 
Scotland while you're away

28. Your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in 
Prague and your mate says we'll end up losing 3- here and you think 
"Probably"

29. You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Auchtermuchty

30. Your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy

31. You're used to 4 seasons in one day

32. You can't pass a chip shop or kebab shop, without drooling, when your 
drunk

33. You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink

34. You measure distance in minutes

35. You can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in 
your own family or sound exactly like you in-laws and your husbands family

36.You go to Saltcoats because you think it's like being at the ocean

37. You can make a whole sentence out of just swear words

38. You know what haggis is made with and still eat it 
> 
39. Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day 
date

40. You've been at a wed ding where the footie results were read out

41. You aren't surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies 
and **** all for sale in one shop and the owner is called Abdul or his 
cousin is called adbul

42. Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it

43. You know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure

44. You understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals

45. and, finally, you are 100 per cent Scottish if you have ever used 
these terms - "How's it hingin'?", "clatty", "boggin", "cludgie", 
"dreich", "bampot", "bawheid", "baw bag" and "dubble nugget".


----------



## Gorman

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter. 
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry. 
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.

----------o0o---------

Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special.
I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


----------



## Gorman

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. 
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." 
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." 
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." 
"Are you sure?" she asked. 
"I'm sure," I said. 
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. 
"I reckon not," I replied. 
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" 
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

-----o0o---------

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man,' Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your... ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first... So, just remember... it's our secret... Woman-to-woman!"


----------



## joedenise

bill

where do you get them !!!

ok ive read every thing but they still keep coming as great as ever.

joe


----------



## Gorman

joedenise said:


> bill
> 
> where do you get them !!!
> 
> ok ive read every thing but they still keep coming as great as ever.
> 
> joe


Joe,

Try saying this in a good glasweigan accent.

Ah goat them where they grew!!!

In ther no ther nooo!!...........as ma dear auld Maw would say!!!


----------



## Gorman

*[color=red]~~MILD PARENTAL GUIDENCE PLEASE~~[/color]*

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. 
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pi$$ed themselves.

-----------o0o------------

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ' How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your bleep-ing mates with you'

----------o0o----------

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, 
I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

----------o0o---------

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' 
Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt.'
Teacher says 'Badly?'
Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't bleep about at the crematorium.

----------o0o----------

A friend of mine says he is making love to twins.
I said ' How can you tell the difference?'
He said ' Her brother has got a moustache ?

----------o0o---------

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy while hurdling fences.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: Three and a half stone

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have b&$#s to scratch!


----------



## Gorman

The Americans have asked if they can put our Queen's head on their new dollar notes, We have said yes, just as long as we can put their President back on our marmalade jars.

--------o0o---------

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

----------o0o----------

Jill, a love-starved spinster, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the “Lonely Hearts” column.
"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of £1 per insertion."
"You don't say," said the spinster "Well then, here's £20 and to hell with the advertisement!"

----------o0o---------

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."
The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."


----------



## Gorman

2nd place at Crufts Dog Show

A lady is very upset because her pet Chihuahua has only been placed second in Best Of Breed at Crufts so she decides to speak to the Judge and get some advice on how to win. The Judge tells her that her dog only came second because it had hair growing on its chin. He advised her to apply Immac Hair Remover Cream for 2 weeks just before next year’s competition to ensure 1st place.
So 2 weeks before following years Cruft Show off she goes to the local pharmacy and asks for a tub of Immac Hair Remover. The assistant asks if she has used it before to which she says she hasn't. Assistant tells her not to wear a tight blouse after application to allow the cream time to work on armpit hair. Lady replies indignantly that the Cream is not for her arm pits but for her Chihuahua.
The assistant replies "in that case madam don't ride your bike for a couple of days."

----------o0o-----------

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Spot”. I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog’s license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. 

He said, “I would like to have one too!” Then I said, “But she is a dog!” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. I said, “You don’t understand. … I have had Sex since I was nine years old.” He replied, “You must have been quite a strong boy.” When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.” He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, “You don’t understand. … Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too!”

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. “You don’t understand,” I said, “I hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.” The Judge said, “Me too!”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I’m looking for Sex.” — My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?” I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely.” and the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend:



So get yourself a dog.”


----------



## Gorman

Talk nasty

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: £4.99 a minute.

----------o0o-----------

*Sex education textbook*

This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls printed in the 50's in the UK: Way to go!!!

"When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself as promptly as possible.

Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed.

Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious.

If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of sexual relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular to obey him.

If he feels he needs to sleep immediately then so be it.

In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy.

Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfillment small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent.

It is likely that your husband will then promptly fall asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and restore your night-time face and hair products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes."


----------



## pippin

Yep, we are of the vintage (well, almost!) and I reckon the missus has learnt that very same book off by heart.

Mark you, the only bit that she now uses is the getting up early to make a cup of tea - and that's only because she can't sleep!


----------



## Telbell

> Should your husband suggest congress ......


????Calling up the White House then?? :lol: :lol:


----------



## pippin

That's with a capital "C", as in - well you can guess!

If it was in Wash DC it would be a capitol "C"!


----------



## Gorman

*Missing Wife*
A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"
"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.
"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.
"How's that going to help?" she asks
"I don't know exactly, but every time I talk to a woman with tee-ats like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

--------o0o---------

*Meeting up with the ex ....*
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic".
"Wow!", I exclaimed, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!
I'm a bit older and a bit bigger than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby men were cute.
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled.
So I told her to bleep off.


----------



## Gorman

Two French paratroopers are sitting in a cafe for breakfast when one says to the other, "I have had a terrible morning at about 3:00 in the morning zis big 'airy man comes up to me and tells me if I want to join ze army I need to follow 'im.

So off I go to a plank raised 10 feet from ze ground and he tells me to jump."
"So did you jump," the other French man said.

"Of course not, I told him I'm a French paratrooper it is below my dignity to jump 10 feet. So he took me to another platform, 50 feet from ze ground and told me to jump."

"And did you jump," the other French man said.

"Of course not, I told him I'm a French paratrooper, it was below my dignity to jump 50 feet. So he took me to zis platform 200 feet from ze ground, pulled down his trousers and took out zis big 'airy (think about it??) and told me if I didn't jump he would stick it up my bleep.

" So did you jump," the other French man said.

[*" A little bit at first."*

----------o0o-----------

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
1st little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
2nd boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That's a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats the bleeping batteries!"


----------



## Gorman

President Vladimir Putin called President Bush with an emergency:
“Our largest condom factory has exploded!“ the Russian President cried; “My people‘s favourite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!“
“Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.“, replied the President.
“I do need your help,“ said Putin. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?“
“Why certainly! I‘ll get right on it!“, said Bush.
“Oh, and one more small favour, please?“, said Putin.
“Yes?“, replied the President.
“Could the condoms be red in colour and at least 10“ long and 4“ in diameter?“ said Yeltsin.
“No problem,“ replied the President and with that Bush hung up and called the President of Trojan condoms. “I need a favour, you‘ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.“
“Consider it done,“ said the President of Trojan.
“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, 10“ long and 4“ wide.“
“Easily done. Anything else?“
“Yeah,“ said the President, “Print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM‘ on each one.“

---------o0o-----------

Saddam Hussain has just made a reportedly live TV appearance. He said, “To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were a bag of she-ate on Saturday“.
The British Government claim that it could have been recorded months ago.


----------



## GEMMY

I see the Russians had a change of leadership during the condom crisis. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

tony


----------



## Gorman

*Honeymoon Horrors!*
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, 
"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child, " he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off is pants, his bride wrinkled up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me, " she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"

*Harassment *
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

}
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}
}

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."


----------



## pippin

*Fairly Naughty*

If you can't find the book you want

Then……

You're probably shopping

At the.........

Wait for it!!

.

.

.


----------



## Gorman

*Texas Officer*

There were 3 Blondes who wanted a job as an Officer in the Texas State department. The Sheriff takes them all into his office.
He says to them "OK I'm going to show you a profile of a criminal for 2 seconds and you have to name 1 unusual or distinguishing feature about him."

He show the first blonde and takes it away after 2 seconds. she then says " He has 1 ear !"
"Well of course he has 1 ear, it's a profile. the side of his face !! " The Sheriff replied. She didn't get the job and walked out the room sheepishly.

He show the second blonde and takes it away after 2 seconds. she then says " He has 1 eye !"
"Well of course he has 1 eye, it's a profile. I just said that !! " The Sheriff replied. She didn't get the job either and walked out the room with her head down.

He show the third blonde and takes it away after 2 seconds. she then says " He is wearing Contact lenses !"
The Sheriff looked at the man's file and said " Wow you're right. how did you know that with only 2 seconds of a picture "

She Replied "Well if he only had 1 ear & 1 eye he could hardly wear glasses could he."

----------o0o----------

*Cash for sex!*

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a 100 quid if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said "NO."
Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.. She said "The b*stard used pound coins!"


----------



## Sonesta

Marty a motorhomer from Yorkshire, travels in his motorhome with a talkative but foul-mouthed parrot. One day on a campsite near York, the parrot's swearing got just too much. So Marty grabbed it by the throat and yelled "Stop it!" But only minutes later, the parrot was swearing again. :roll: 

The next day, the parrot yelled so loudly that the couple next door in a big twin axle Auto Trail stopped by to demand Marty silence the bird! So a desperate Marty locked the parrot in one of his motorhome lockers. But it didn't help: the bird kept right on swearing. The next day, the parrot was even worse. So, as a last resort, Marty tossed it into the freezer comparment of his spacious Dometic fridge/freezer. After five minutes, all was quiet. Worried that the parrot might be freezing to death, Marty took it out. "I'm sorry," confessed the suddenly polite parrot. "I promise to never swear again."  

Marty was astonished. He couldn't understand the change in attitude. 8O 

"By the way," asked the parrot, "what did the chicken do?" :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Gorman

*~~NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESUMED ON THE 25th NOV~~~*

*Lucky Leprechaun *

Bob is in a casino playing pontoon. He's been there all evening. He's had a miserable run and lost almost everything. "Surely my luck must change" he thinks to himself. "I'll give it one last go." He pulls from his jacket pocket the deeds to his house. This represents everything he has left in this world.
The croupier deals the cards and he picks them up. First a jack - looks hopeful. Then a six "Sh*t !!!" he says to himself. "Sixteen - what am I going to do." He stares vacantly at the two cards in his hand as his future seems to ebb away. What is he going to do ??
Suddenly a leprechaun appears on his shoulder and looks at the cards and then at Bob. It starts jumping up and down saying "Twist, twist". Bob is awakened from his reverie by the noise and looks, slightly disbelievingly at the leprechaun.
"Who are you?" Bob says.
"Twist, twist" says the leprechaun.
"But I've got everything riding on this. I've already lost all of my money and car. If I lose this I've lost my house as well."
"Twist, twist" cries the leprechaun.
Bob looks at the leprechaun and thinks "Well perhaps ....." Eventually he decides to trust the leprechaun. "Twist" he says to the croupier. He turns the card offered. It is a two. Huge sigh of relief, perspiration wiped from brow, buttocks unclenched. "I'm OK" Bob thinks.
"Twist, twist" the leprechaun says, jumping up and down again.
"But, it's eighteen. That's a good score. I've got a good chance with that."
"Twist, twist"
"Are you sure??"
"Yeah, you'll be OK. Twist, twist"
Bob agonizes for a few seconds and eventually reasons that the leprechaun was right last time so he goes for it. "Twist, please" The croupier draws another card - an ace!
"Wow" says Bob to himself and sits back thinking he could now recover all he lost earlier. He is just about to place his cards face down when .....
"Twist, twist"
"What? But I've got 19. If I twist I'll probably go bust."
"Twist, twist. Go on!"
Bob thinks to himself that the leprechaun hasn't let him down yet so he decides to back it one last time.
"Twist please."
The croupier draws the card. Slowly Bob reaches for it and pulls it up to his hand. He looks at it. A two. Twenty One, a five card trick. He has done it. He's got his house back, recovered all his money and made a few grand on top. Yeeesssss!!!!!
The leprechaun who has now stopped jumping up and down is motionless, staring at the cards. It turns to Bob and says "You jammy b*stard!!"

----------o0o----------

*The Cat in the Hat - On Aging*

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh My god, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass

----------o0o----------

*Two Old Men*

Two old Chelsea pensioners are sitting outside the home, near to the famous flower show. One complains, "Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun! For £5, I'll streak naked through the flower show!"

"You're on!" the other geriatric says.

The first old man fumbles out of his clothes and streaks through the show. Waiting outside, his friend hears a commotion, followed by applause. Then the naked old man returns, surrounded by a cheering crowd. "How did it go?" asks the friend.

"Great!" says the wrinkled streaker. "I won first prize for dried arrangement

[/b]


----------



## pippin

*Where is Gorman?*

Suffering from Daily Titter withdrawal symptoms - Gorman, where are you?!

Just to prove it, here is the lamest joke that I could find:

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.


----------



## geraldandannie

If I remember correctly, Bill was coming home on leave, but then going on holiday. I'm sure normal service will be resumed when he's back at work :wink:

Gerald

Edit: I've just noticed the subject of his last post here - normal service resumed on 25th November


----------



## pippin

Ed and Anne met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. 
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. 
He immediately started asking her out when they got home. 

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Anne to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. 

Ed became convinced that Anne was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. 

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Anne to a fine restaurant. 
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. 
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. 
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. 
I play golf. 
I read about golf. 
I watch golf on TV. 
In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. 

If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!" 

Anne took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. 
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that about the last five years I've been a hooker." 

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. 
He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought then he added. 

"You know, it's probably just because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."


----------



## locovan

I cant wait for him to get back from Spain I have really missed the little devil


----------



## Gorman

*And we're off!!!!*

New born

Nervously pacing up and down a hospital corridor, a man waits as his wife gives birth to their first child. After a long labour the doctor comes out and tells the man that he is the father of a baby boy. The man is overjoyed, and rushes in to his wife who smiles weakly and gives him the child.
Overcome, the tearful father asks the midwife if there is anything he can do to help. Sensing that the dad wants to share in the occasion the midwife tells him to take the baby and bathe it next door. After a few minutes the midwife pops in to see how the man is getting on.
She jumps back in dismay when she sees what the new dad is doing. He has two fingers firmly lodged up the infant's nose and is dragging the child through the water in figure-of-eights.
"Good God!" she shouts. "That's not how to bathe a new-born!"
"It bloody well is," the man replies, "when the water's this hot."

------------o0o-----------

How To Shower

How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket
according to whites and colored's.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with
natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and Jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray
mould spots with Flash.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If
you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake
knob at her making woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and
scratch your ass. Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash
your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire appendage size in mirror
again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull
off towel, shake appendage at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again.

Throw wet towel on bed.


----------



## Gorman

80th Birthday

On an elderly gentleman's 80th birthday, some of his friends decide they want to do something special for him, so they send a prostitute over to his house to have sex with him.

The prostitute knocks on the door and the 80 year old man answers. The prostitute says, "I'm here to give you super sex."

The old man's hearing isn't quite what it used to be, so he says, "What's that dearie?"

The prostitute speaks a little louder and says, "I said, I am here to give you super sex."

Again the old man asks her to repeat herself.

Very slowly, she yells, "I am here to give you super sex."

The old man finally understands and replies, "Oh, I guess I'll have the soup."

-----------o0o----------

An old man, a doctor and a story

An old man, a doctor and a story
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. 
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" 
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." 
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." 
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. 
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." 
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" 
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear!" 
"And the moral of the story is...?" replied the doctor.


----------



## Gorman

Russian oil baron

Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Chelsea Football club.

----------o0o----------

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"Getting a little action" means, "I don't need to take any fiber today."

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

You start saying things like, "Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!"

Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the supermarket.

An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!


----------



## Gorman

*Spike Milligan quotes*

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Clifford had a sister, but she had departed, that is, she caught the ten-twenty from Victoria.

Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse.

Horizontal, this was Lady Chatterley's position in society.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

---------o0o---------

*The meaning of sex*

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet-dreams. Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell the truth.

The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."


----------



## BJT

Very good, I love the birds and bees one!


----------



## Gorman

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say 'hello' to his friends. 

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi how wasa da treep?" 

Luigisaid, " Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down." 

Wata you mean Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da trainat Gran Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a big basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we we'rea looking forward to the treep. 

We open up da lunch basket; the conductore coma by, waga his finger at us and say , 'No eat in dis car, must use a dining car.' So me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a big lunch and starta to open da bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drink in dis car; must use da cluba car.' So we go to da cluba car.

While drinkin da vino, I starta to light the big cigar. Da Conductore, he waga his finger and say, 'No smokin in dis car: must go to smokin car.' We go to da smokin car and I smokea da big cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to the sleeper car and go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and da conductore, he walka trough da hall shoutin at da top of his voce, 'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !' Next time, I'm gonna taka da bus."


----------



## Gorman

Nintendo will launch a new game on Monday for parents of disobedient Scottish Kids.

Wii Sh1te,
Wii G1t
Wii [email protected]@rd

----------0O0----------

*What Causes Arthritis?*

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

----------o0o----------

*Guest Speaker*

The England captain is the guest speaker at a management seminar. He steps up to the podium and begins his speech. "They're small and minty and keep my breath fresh for up to two hours and to Victoria's delight they're only two calories".

The audience looks stunned, when a small voice from the side of the podium whispers, "No David, you're here to talk about tactics."


----------



## pippin

*A New Zealand joke*

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:

'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says:

'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile:

'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f*** him'


----------



## Gorman

Rekindled Love

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" the doctor asks.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee and he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the food off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?"

"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."

--------o0o--------


Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital...

Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first and the chap replies: "FAIR fa’ your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace As lang ‘s my arm."

Tony, being somewhat confused goes to the next patient and greets him. He replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thank it."

The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!"

Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward this is; A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor. "It’s the Burns unit."


----------



## Gorman

*HARD OR SOFT*

A wife was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast when her husband walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex. Afterwards he asks, "What was that all about?"

She answers "The egg timer's broken!"


----------



## Gorman

A couple is having an argument. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men

A: It changes your blood group

*Gold Digger*
One entrepreneur says to another: "I've just been in the Far East prospecting for gold." "Japan?" asks the second entrepreneur. "Gosh, no," he replies. "I used much more scientific methods."

*ASBO Humour*
As part of the Government's crackdown on antisocial behaviour, police yesterday arrested two teenage troublemakers, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


----------



## Gorman

*Bottom of the Barrel?????…………..Naw, not even close!!!!!*

This is so, so bad...

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. 
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. 
Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. 
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise....... 
BUMP........ 
BUMP........ 
BUMP........ 
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. 
BUMP........ 
BUMP........ 
BUMP........ 
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly.... 
It was a coffin 
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. 
BUMP........ 
BUMP........ 
BUMP........ 
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster........... 
BUMP........BUMP....... 
BUMP........BUMP....... 
BUMP........BUMP........ 
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him...... 
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... 
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... 
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP... 
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ....... 
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... 
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... 
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..... 
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. 
He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. 
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. 
The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase..... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... 
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... 
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... 
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........ 
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... 
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... 
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... 
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... 
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad. 
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... 
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... 
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... 
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... 
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.........still it came ........ 
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... 
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came 
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... 
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came...... 
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH... 
He grabbed some Benalyn cough mixture and threw it........ ……………………………………………………………………………………………………

*The coffin stopped.*


----------



## BJT

Bill,
It may be a long shaggy dog story, but it is just what we need for a god laugh this dreary and very wet morning. It's been pi***** down for a long time, and I for one am fed up with the weather here in the UK. Roll on the end of January and down to the Iberian peninsula. Keep em rolling!
:lol:


----------



## Gorman

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... 
Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston 
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. 
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. 
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.. 
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. 
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. 
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' Explains the Manager. 
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 
'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. 
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again. 
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. 
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' 
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. 
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.' 
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. 
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have'.

----------o0o----------

A mate of mine from Norfolk just told me he's also making love to his girlfriends twin, I said,
'How can you tell the difference?'
He said, 'her brothers got a moustache.'

---------o0o----------

*(In view of the Bun-fight about offensive jokes on another thread, my advance apologies to any small people out there)*

Dwarf couple who work in the circus are having a baby.
They go to the doctor for a check up.
'Everything's fine, tell me, what do you want, a boy or girl.'
Guy says, ' we don't really give a damn as long as it fits in a cannon.'


----------



## Gorman

Young Cowboy and Wyatt Earp

There was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in the saloon one Saturday night, he recognised an elderly man seated at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a whiskey, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said: "Well, fer one thing, yer wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" he yelled. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, grip and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing' that piano, he's going to shove that gun up your bum, and it won't hurt as much."

----------o0o-----------

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

----------o0o-----------

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' 
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


----------



## Gorman

*Garage Door*

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Volvo parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

--------o0o---------

An elderly gentleman.... 
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% 
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

----------o0o-----------

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? 
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


----------



## Gorman

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure..' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 

'Where's my toast ?' 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 

'Because she can still drive!'


----------



## Gorman

Whatever you give a woman........
.....she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh1t.

----------o0o----------

Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!" 
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said: "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed: "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"


----------



## Gorman

When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the 
attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, 
"No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." 
"Why is that," the host asked? 
Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks 
...anyone can!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN


Who's jolly and cute, 

Wearing a beard and a red 
flannel suit, 

And if he is chuckling and 
laughing away, 

While flying around in a 
miniature sleigh, 

With eight tiny reindeer to pull 
him along, 

Then let's face it... 
Your Pi$$ed!

Edited at 12:30 (local) as I inadvertantly doubled up on a previous entry.


----------



## sallytrafic

Having problems remembering stuff Bill? compare today's with Friday's


----------



## Gorman

Oooooops, Will sort it now, must be getting auld!!


----------



## Gorman

*Child benefit (No offence to Liverpudlians) *

A scouser goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the woman.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" she answers.
"What? They've all got the same name?" says the council worker, "Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Don't be soft," says the Scouse woman, "It's great - if they're out playing in the street I just have to yell 'WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNERS READY' or 'WAAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW YER SOFT LAD!' and they all do it."
"But what if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Scouse woman "I just use their surnames."

*Twick or Tweat *
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?" 
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to 
come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." 
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, 
"Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my bleeping cookies!"


----------



## Gorman

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. 'Paddy,' says 
Murphy, 'Oi've got a problem' 'What's the matter?' replies Paddy 
'Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit 
together, and oi can't find any edges.' 'What's the picture of?' 
asks Paddy 'It's of a big cockerel,' Murphy replies. Paddy says, 
'Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look. 'He gets to 
Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. 'Oh, thanks for coming 
Paddy.' He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw 
on the kitchen table. Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to 
Murphy and says, 'Fer goodness sakes Murphy, put the Cornflakes 
back in the packet.

*Condoms*

Father and son in supermarket.
"Dad. what are these?"

"That's a 3 pack of condoms son for secondary school lads.

1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night"

"What about the 6 pack dad?"

"Those are for university lads.

2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night and 2 for Sunday night."

"Well dad. What about the 12 pack then?"

"Married men son. . . . 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March . . . .


----------



## BJT

Which pack to you recommend for Senior Citizens?????


----------



## Gorman

I don't really know, but look what I just found:

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!"

The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY (ahem) you're holding... not yours."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office.

"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"


----------



## BJT




----------



## Gorman

This American bloke goes into a pub in Northern England. He gets himself a pint and then he challenges anybody to a game of pool and he beats everyone.
The barman says, "you're good, but Smiffy will have you."
Then he challenges anybody to a game of darts and he beats everybody at that as well.
The barman says, "you're very good, but Smiffy will have you."
Poker is the next challenge, and once again he beats every person he plays.
The barman says, "you're bleeping good, but Smiffy will have you."
With this, the American chap says, "who the bleep is Smiffy?"
The barman points to a little elderly man wearing a flat cap, sitting at a table in the corner of the pub.
He walks over to the table and the old guy stands up, then flicks a beer mat up in the air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a ***, pulls his trousers down and catches the beer mat right in the crack of his but and says, "can you do that?"
The American flicks the beer mat up in air, drinks a pint of lager, lights a ***, pulls his trousers down........and Smiffy bleepin' had him.

----------o0o----------

*Circumcised (this is priceless!)*

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. 
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. 
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

KIDS ; DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM??


----------



## mandyandandy

pinched these but thought they were funny, that is if they come out. 

nope, can't get them to work, sorry about that.


----------



## pippin

What's funny about that, M&A?


----------



## Gorman

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father. 
"Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl. "You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father. "I don't remember," says the girl. "I was totally pi$$ed."

*Three tough mice *
Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they 
are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell 
you how tough I am." 
I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar 
and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa 
there!" and he tosses down another shot. 
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? 
When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's 
cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his 
shot glass on the bar. 
The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he 
has to say for himself. 
He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the 
door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where 
are YOU going?" 
The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this crap, I need to get 
home to screw the cat."


----------



## Gorman

*Three Kinds of Bras *
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the 
largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman 
behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife' 
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk. 
'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?' 
'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in 
every shape, size colour and material. 
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three 
types of bras,' replied the salesclerk. 
Confused, the man asked what were the types. 
The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, 
and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?' 
Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?' 
The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type 
supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and 
the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

----------o0o-----------

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for 
a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My 
parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us." 
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol 
got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said. 
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' 
bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink." 
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped 
his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or 
should I just use a paper towel?"

*The Sound of Pigs *
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew 
what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands 
if they knew the correct sounds. 
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. 
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!" 
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" 
"Baaaa," answered Billy. 
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig 
make?" 
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. 
She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class. 
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, 
Futha-mucka!"


----------



## Gorman

*The Birds and the Bees *

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and 
the bees. 
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. 
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. 
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, 
no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're 
telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing 
left to believe in!"

*Terrible Headaches *

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject 
turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck 
when it comes to getting older." 
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy. 
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got 
aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!" 
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered. 
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd 
get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she 
hasn't had a headache in years."


----------



## Gorman

A Greek and Italian one day were debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
So on and so on and then the Greek says, "We invented sex."
The Italian says, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.

-----o0o-----

Two Jewish guys walking down the street when a very attractive girl passes by.
Hymie turns to Ben and says "I'd lend her one"

-----o0o-----

*Moods*
My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big bleeping red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said: "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says: "I'll miss you."

He said: 'Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.' She said: 'Well, you've succeeded.'

He said: 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said: 'That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I lie on the sofa and fart'.

He said: 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'. She said: 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bar-steward'.


----------



## Gorman

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."
"Well, your honour," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."
"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.
"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honour. That's why I want the divorce." he replied. 

----------o0o-----------

"Little Red Goldberg I vant you should take some goodies to grannies"
"Ooh! I love going to grannies vith goodies" says Little Red Goldberg, "what are the goodies momma?"
"There is chicken zoup vith matzo balls and fresh bagels"
Away goes Little Red Goldberg trippidy trippidy down the lane to grannies and who should she meet on the way but greedy little Hymie Solomons.
"Vere you going vith the goodies basket Little Red Goldberg" asks greedy little Hymie Solomons
"I am going to mine grannies vith some chicken zoup, matzo balls and bagels"
Hearing this greedy little Hymie Solomons takes a short cut to grannies house and locks her in the closet.
There is a knock at the door, "Come in Little Red Goldberg and give me some goodies" he calls out.
"How did you know it vas me granny? "I could smell the goodies" says Hymie, "so give me the goodies"
"But vait a minute granny I haf to say something first"
"Vell say it and give me the goodies" says greedy little Hymie Solomons
"Granny, vat big ears you got"
"All the better to hear about the goodies, so give me the goodies"
"But granny, vat big eyes you got"
"All the better to see the goodies, so give me the goodies"
"But granny, vat a big nose you got"
"YOU should bleeping talk!"


----------



## pippin

Don't get the first one.


----------



## Jiggles

Me neither Pippin  

John


----------



## Gorman

Sorry chaps, I did post to clarify, where did that go??. However, I am working on the assumption that his actual wife is not too keen, but the other one is (Ahem) hot to trot!!


----------



## joedenise

Bill

Obviously    

Simples!

Joe


----------



## Gorman

A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.
Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. 
When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas. 

----------o0o----------

There she is sitting up in bed chopping firewood when she turns to me and says,
"You're a lazy bar-steward!"
"What do you mean, my beloved?" I replied.
"You haven't put any fresh water in that goldfish bowl for over 6 months"
"But dearest, they haven't drunk that lot yet" I said. 

----------o0o----------

A Welsh sheep farmer was having a driving lesson.
"Now, Mr. Evans", said the instructor, "Can you make a U-turn?"
"No", replied the farmer, "But I can make its eyes water."
----------o0o----------

Paddy, the Irish loan shark lent out all his money and then skipped town.


----------



## joedenise

They're still good Bill!

They certainly make me laugh!

Joe

denise typed this but put my name


----------



## Gorman

*Peter Kay's Universal Truths:*

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
You're never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator, then looked at it upside down.
Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
You never ever run out of salt.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan
The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
Bricks are horrible to carry.
In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

----------o0o----------

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again.

*DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES *


----------



## BJT

Bill,
You found some good ones again, yesterday and today. You keep posting and I'll keep reading. :lol: 

Seasons Greetings (snow and ice in Glasgae, bet it's hot sand where you are!!) :lol:


----------



## Gorman

A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY READERS

Harry and Sadie lived in a retirement home in Hendon and were celebrating their 50th anniversary. Although David, Henry and Alan, their 3 sons, had successful careers, they had been visiting their parents less and less over recent times. Nevertheless, the sons agreed to visit their parents at their home for a special Sunday dinner. As usual, they all arrived late and almost immediately their excuses began. 
"Happy anniversary mum and dad," spurted David, "I'm sorry I'm late but I had an emergency at the hospital. You know how it is. So I didn't even have time to stop to get you both a present." 
"Don't worry," said Harry, "the main thing is, we're together, aren't we?" 
Henry then came over. "Hi dad, you're looking great. And wow, mum, don't you look good also, you're looking just like a model. I just got in from Zurich where I closed the big deal I'd been working on for the last 6 months. So I came here straight from Heathrow and I'm sorry but I had no time to buy you both a gift. Next time, eh?" 
"It's nothing," said harry, " the main thing is we're all together" 
Then Alan came in and said, "Hi mum and dad. My firm is sending me to Paris for an important conference, so I'll have to leave as soon as we've finished dinner. I've been so busy packing that I didn't have time to buy you anything." 
Harry sighed and replied, "I don't care as long as I have my 3 sons together." 
Halfway through the meal, Harry, in a reflective mood, said, "Now might be a good time to tell you all something that has been on your mother's and my mind for years. Your mother and I, well, we came to England during the war. We had no money and were desperate and in our struggle to survive, I'm sorry to tell you that we never got around to getting married. We knew we loved each other and after a few years, it didn't seem so important, so…" 
The 3 sons gasped, "Dad, do you mean.. do you mean.. we're bar-stewards?"

"Yes," replied Moshe, "that's exactly what I do mean and cheap ones, at that"

----------o0o----------

An Asylum Seeker walks into a wine bar and asks the landlord,
"Can you recommend a good port?"
The landlord replies, "Yes, Dover now "bleep" off!"

----------o0o---------

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.


----------



## joedenise

A Very late merry christmas Bill


and have a great new year.    

Joe and Denise


----------



## Gorman

*Santa Stats*

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus 
living in the U.S. -- and one Kris Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid's parents)

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby 
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. 
With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to 
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times 
the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.

----------o0o----------

The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the waiting mass. 
The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses. 
Moses set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."

----------o0o----------

*ENTERTAINMENT* (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

*FLATULENCE* (flach-u-lens) n.

Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.

Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

*MAKING LOVE* (may-king luv) n.

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

*REMOTE CONTROL* (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.


----------



## Gorman

*~~~ A wee selection~~~*

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

Hear about the Jewish detective?.........He had a tip off.

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi-satchel.

A midget sidles up to a tall blonde and says, "Hey, what do you say to a little bleep?"
She says, "Hello, you Little bleep."

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the comment, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the second commented "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried "land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a flying bleep, I learned to say 'Well, isn't that nice

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

There was a pregnant silence, followed by a lot of little silences.

It used to be the case that you needed to speak 4 languages to get a job in a London hotel. Nowadays you need 4 languages to stay in one.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

I wish I was a glow worm
A glow worm's never glum
Cos how can you be grumpy
When the sun shines out your bum

A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that the onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered, and dumfounded."

Corduroy pillows are making headlines


----------



## eddied

lovely! which box of crackrrs did they come out of?
A very HappyNew Year and keep 'em coming.
saluti,
eddied


----------



## Gorman

When I asked her to the prom...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. 
When I asked her to dance...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. 
When I asked her to move in with me...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. 
When I asked her to kiss me...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. 
When I asked her to make love to me...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. 
When I asked for her hand in marriage...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. 
When I asked her to bear my children...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. 
That's when I realized she was a Retard.
----------o0o----------
What do you call a woman who's allergic to latex? 
Mummy.
----------o0o----------
The Irish Horse-Racing Association has set up a committee to vet proposed names for racehorses, to prevent rude names being given. A spokesman for the Association said: 'This is becoming an increasing problem. Recently, it was only the quick wits of a clerk which prevented Norfolk-And-Chance from being approved.'"
----------o0o----------
If bankers can count, how come the average bank has 10 windows and only four tellers? 
-----------o0o---------
The customer wrote this letter of complaint to the creators of a body building course. 

Dear Sirs, 

Since taking your body building course, I now have a 44 inch chest, a 32 inch waist, 17 inch biceps and an 18 inch neck. I feel absolutely marvelous but at the same time, I do feel that my chances of marriage are spoiled. 

Yours faithfully, 
Miss Mary Smith
----------o0o----------
Major Charles Ingram, who was convicted of trying to cheat the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire TV programme out of a million pounds has committed suicide. The producers of the show have offered to pay most of the funeral expenses, but not for the coffin....
-----------o-o----------
A Hunter is walking through the jungle finds a huge dead rhinoceros with a pigmy standing next to it.
Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"
"Yes," says the pigmy.
"How could a little bloke like you kill a huge thing like that?"
"I killed it with my club," says the pigmy.
The astonished hunter asks, "How big is your club?"
“O,” replies the pigmy, "There's about 60 of us."


----------



## Gorman

A bloke goes for the job of cook on a ship. The geezer who is interviewing asks "Can you fry eggs?". "Can I fry eggs! I've worked in some of the top hotels in England" replies the bloke... "Give me half a dozen". So he's given six eggs which he starts to juggle with. 
After a minute of brilliant juggling, he throws the eggs one-by-one over his shoulder towards the frying pan which is behind him. Each egg hits the side of the pan, cracks open and the shell falls into the bin below and the eggs slide unbroken into the frying pan. "That's amazing" says the interviewer "but it must have been a fluke". "A fluke! Give me a dozen" says the bloke. He then proceeds to do even more elaborate juggling and repeat the finale so there's now eighteen unbroken eggs sizzling in the frying pan. 
"Well then do I get the job?" "No, you pi$$ about too much!!"

-----------o0o----------

*It's Good To Be The Woman*

We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching their butts.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

-----------o0o----------

Never wrestle with a pig. You just get all dirty and the pig loves it.

-----------o0o----------

I read last week how there are more than one hundred thousand battered women in the UK each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.

-----------o0o----------

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?


----------



## Gorman

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third said, "You both have it wrong ....it's WOOM."
The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"

*Deep Thoughts*

What is a man's view of safe sex? 
A padded headboard.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize


----------



## Gorman

*Old Jewish Man *
A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are 
you, my dear wife?" 
"Right here at your side, my love." 
"And my son, Moishe...where is he?" 
"Right here at your side, papa." 
"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?" 
"Right here at your side, papa." 
"And my son, Abraham...where is he?" 
"Right here at your side, papa." 
"What, none of you ash-oles is minding the store?"

*Nun Going to Chicago *
This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down 
waiting for her flight and she looked over in the corner and saw one 
of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to 
herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me. 
So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card 
came out and it said, You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you're going 
to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she 
thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm 
going try it again. 
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card 
came out and said, you're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to 
Chicago Ill. and you're going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I 
know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my 
life. She sat back down and this cowboy came over and set his fiddle 
case down. She picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful 
music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've 
got to try it again. 
So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came 
out and it said, you're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to 
Chicago Ill. and you're going to break wind. She thinks I know it's 
wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she 
tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat 
back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself 
this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again. 
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out 
and said, you're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago 
Ill. and you're going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I 
know for sure it's wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't 
ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the 
electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and 
thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, 
incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again 
just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport. 
She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and 
it said. You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, 
and bleeped around and missed your flight to Chicago!

*Like a Black Man *
A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia 
Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he 
doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. 
He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets 
to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. 
He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and 
opens it to find $1 Million. 
This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his 
mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and 
draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan 
and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be 
beckoning him and shouting. 
Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and 
turns around. 
In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well. 
He asks the leprechaun what is going on. 
"Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as I 
was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road 
and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for 
saving me." 
"Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah 
I got that one. What about the other two?" 
"The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a cool 
million." 
"And them out there?" asks the guy, 
"You said you wanted to be hung like a black man."


----------



## Gorman

A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent. Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port. 
"Oh, sherry by all means!" she replied. "Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and I'm carried into another world."

"Port, on the other hand, makes me fart." 

----------o0o---------- 

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odour coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just crap yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed crapped myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?" 
The drunk says, "'Cos I'm not finished yet..." 

-----------o0o----------

A guy is having a quiet drink in a pub and decides to nibble a few bar snack peanuts. As he's chomping on a handful of nuts he hears a little voice say, “You're a really handsome bloke. That shirt really suits you. Nice car by the way very good taste.” All the time he's eating the peanuts the voice carries on in a similar vein. 
Then he goes over to the cigarette machine. As he puts the money in, another voice starts. “You're a real ugly bar-steward. That shirt looks cheap and your car is a total heap of crap!” 
Confused, the guy goes up to the barman and tells him what's happened. 
”Sorry about that sir,” says the barman, “The reason is the peanuts are complimentary, but I'm afraid the cigarette machine is out of order!”

----------o0o---------

Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all.
The alcoholic has to attend meetings.


----------



## Gorman

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!"
The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY thingy you're holding... not yours."
----------o0o----------
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
----------o0o----------
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office.
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

*TO ALL THE DRUNK WOMEN!*

CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your knickers up in the ladies room. 
3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight with "some bitch".
4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you now look more like Gail from Coronation Street than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burger on the floor of Burger King and pick it up & carry on eating.
6. You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them soooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
10. You've forgotten where you live.
11. You've started to sound like Bonnie Tyler from the cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned 10 TIMES by now !) you only smoke when you drink.
12. You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.
13. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
14. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
15. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
16. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.
17. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!)
18. You show your friends that girls can wee standing up if they really want
19. You believe that dancing with your arms over your head and wiggling your butt while yelling "woo-hoo" is truly the sexiest dance move around. 
20. You begin leaving the buttons open on your button-fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the washroom away from your drink. 
21. You take your shoes off because you believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.


----------



## Gorman

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rung for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.
"Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"
"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"
"But my dress?"
"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"
"But what about my underwear?"
"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them."
"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"
"Only the first time, Madam."

----------o0o---------- 

One night in the pub, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans and groans to some of the regulars at the bar, a stranger dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says: "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just then. I'm a doctor at the mental hospital up the road, and as part of our Outreach programme I'm trying to integrate some of our more sane individuals back into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday? You'll have some customers, and my patients will have a good night out, it's a win-win situation. What do ye think?"
Well, the publican isn't sure but, being a licensed vintner and all that, the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night has a certain appeal, so he agrees.
The following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten of his mental patients. He explains to the publican: "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, so could you ever just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up the account at the end of the night."
The barmen have a great time selling a clatter of pints and encouraging the mental patients to eat crisps and peanuts. The new customers appear to be having a great time, having a sing-song, getting merrily drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana skins, used teabags and plastic shopping bags.
At closing time the head barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over three hundred quid! The bloke with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organise the mental patients and get them ready to get on the bus and drive back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people, gives him a discount.
"Let's call it £250 ," he says.
The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says: "That's fine. Have ye change for a wheelie bin?" 

---------o0o----------

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fair's rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun. He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live tortoise. The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another tortoise. Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target and pulled the trigger three times. Again, he scored three bull's-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic," the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd, "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any bloody glasses," the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"


----------



## Gorman

*[color=red]~~~~ NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESUMED ON THE 27th J*

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. 
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

----------o0o----------

I walked into a bar the other day and asked for a glass of orange, the barman said "Still?", I said "Yes, I haven't changed my mind."

----------o0o----------

I walked into a bar the other day, they had a chicken for a waiter, I thought he looked strange because he was laying tables.

----------o0o----------

I walked into a really rough pub the other day, the bouncer on the door asked me if I had any weapons, when I said no he gave me a knife and told me to be careful.

----------o0o----------

A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon." Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.
The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window. "Could I have some food?" he asks.
The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"
"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"
"No!" she says again.
"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"
"No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The down and out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupts impatiently.
"Might I please have a word with George?"

----------o0o----------

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Abo, a Yank, an African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two blondes, a homosexual, three social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a Kiwi all walked into a bar.
The bar tender turned around and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

----------o0o----------

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Miami Beach. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timer's Bar " ..." ALL DRINKS 10 pence".
They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they should not judge the 'book by its cover.'
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully-stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 pence each , please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 pence, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, ......."That's 40 more pence, please."
They pay the 40 pence, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten pence, wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, those are here on holiday from Scotland and they're waiting for happy hour."


----------



## pippin

*I like this one - but I am not really xenophobic!*

*New levels of security *

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist activity and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists themselves have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Ruddy Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Ruddy Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The Swiss, as always, have taken the phone off the hook !!!


----------



## Gorman

*~~~NORMAL SERVICE IS NOW RESUMED~~~*

The beer company held a contest to select a name for the new beer they had been developing. They advertised over all the airwaves and in all the newspapers. They received thousands of submissions. 
The panel of judges was kept busy for many weeks sorting through all of the entries. Finally they settled on one particular entry - "Love On A Lake". The selected entry was given to the president of the company for his approval. 
The president's comment was, "I like the name but, I'm puzzled as to how the contestant selected this name. If he can explain the meaning of the name, I'll be happy to award the prize to him."
The judges located the contestant. When they asked him for an explanation, he responded, "Well, love on a lake is bleeping near water and that's what this beer tastes like!!"

Why do seals only drink Schweppes?
Cos Canadian Club goes straight to their head!

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" 
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." 
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. 
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. 
"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." 
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" 
"Rustling," said the bartender.

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours. One of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken s$%t."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me."
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."
The man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks.
"She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather s$%t her pants."


----------



## Gorman

I stayed in a hotel the other night and was just lying on the bed rooting through the side table draws when I found a bible. I opened the first page and this little note fell out. 
It read: "My son, if you are troubled by the demons of alcohol and seek help in your dire hour of need, you can always call on me for your aid and I will be there to ease your pain and anguish. Don't be afraid to pick up the phone and call me and I will gladly listen to your temptations and be as supportive as possible."
Close to tears, I picked up the phone and the guy answered, "Hello, Bob's off license!" 
Wandered into my local pub last night to find the place somewhat deserted.
No customers, no staff, just a button on the bar that said, "Press For Service".
So I did, and I got hit in the face with a tennis ball. 

I went to the pub last night and the bartender asked me what I wanted.
So I said, "Surprise me!"
He showed me a naked picture of my daughter. 

I was in the pub with my mate last night. He came swaggering over with a fat bird on each arm.
"They're like buses," I said.
"Why?" he asked. "Because you wait for ages and then two come at once?"
"No," I said. "They're like buses."


----------



## joedenise

Welcome back Bill.

Joe


----------



## Gorman

Late at night, a policeman in Glasgow walks down one of the main shopping streets and sees a man attempting to break into one of the shops. He grabs the burglar round the neck, kicks his legs from under him and drags him 20 yards round the corner into Hope Street.
The villain starts complaining to the policeman, “Look I’d have come quietly. Why did you have to kick me and drag me 20 yards round the corner?”
“Cos I cannae spell Sauchiehall Street you thieving toerag!”

----------o0o----------

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'
She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

----------o0o---------

Three guys, an Irish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?"
The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it."
The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."
The Italian guy goes in next. The Captain asks him the same thing. "We have to ask you one question first before you're admitted to the Police Academy. Who killed Jesus?"
The Italian guy says "The Romans did it."
The Captain says, "Right, you're admitted."
The Irish guy goes in and the Captain repeats the question. The Irish guy says "Gee, I don't know." The Captain tells him to go home and think about it for a week and come back and tell him.
The Irish guy goes home and his wife asked him how his first day went at the academy, and he says to her, "You won't believe it! My first day on the job and they assigned me to a murder case!" 

----------o0o---------

A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."


----------



## Gorman

Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today.
The instructions said,
'Take off top and push up bottom.'
Still in Casualty, but my farts smell nice!!!

----------o0o---------

Do you want an Apple I-phone, 32GB including unlimited text messaging, 1000 free minutes a month.
Just been on the internet and got myself one, you also get a,
42" LCD HD TV, Apple I-pod Nano and a free Stella Artois mini fridge.
It's a 6 month minimum contract at £12.50 per month.
Go to, www.dreamonyoudafttwot.co.uk/whatanob.

----------o0o---------

Due to the litigation culture we are undergoing in Britain I have taken steps to protect myself. 
Like tattooing "May contain nuts" on my scrotum. 8O

----------o0o----------

Man 1: My dog's got no nose.
Man 2: How does it smell?
Man 1: A canine's olfactory system is ostensibly situated behind its nose, so the dog's ability to smell remains intact.
Man 2: Bar steward.

Just got this text:-
Mate, you're not going to believe this, I've just won a competition on Radio 1 for a holiday to Greece! 
Got £2000 spending money and I can take 5 mates. 
I know it's short notice but, if you're free from 1st December to 15th December, can you put my bin out?
Bar steward.


----------



## b16duv

Gorman,

The link in your last post doesn't work, do you have any other contact details for this offer?

David


----------



## Gorman

Now now, I'll tell the jokes.


----------



## Gorman

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. 
The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have got Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" He screamed - "Lucky"?... I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24!!!!!!"
"Bleep me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well !!"

--------o0o----------

Have you anything to say for yourself," the judge said to the hard-bitten defendant after hearing the case.
"Bleep all," muttered the defendant.
"What did the fellow say?" asked the old judge who was a little hard of hearing.
The clerk spoke close to the judge's good ear. "He said 'Bleep all!' your worship."
That's strange," replied the judge. "I'm sure I saw his lips move."


----------



## Gorman

Mother had three virgin daughters..
They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
1) The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
2) The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack:
"Extra Long. King Size"
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
3) The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town . Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways"
Mum took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for South African Airways.
The ad said: "TEN TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
Mum fainted!

----------o0o----------

I came downstairs this morning to see that my curtains were drawn.
All the furniture was real though.

----------o0o---------

A large town in West Yorkshire was stolen last night.
Police are looking for Leeds.

----------o0o--------- 

Mickey Mouse is at the solicitors filing for divorce from Minnie and his lawyer is going through all the relevant paperwork, occasionally sighing and shaking his head. Mickey asks the solicitor what is wrong exactly, to which he replies "Well, Mickey, I've been through all your files and papers and I just can't see how on earth you will be granted a divorce on the grounds that your wife has 'prominent front teeth' ". Mickey sits up in his chair and says to the solicitor "No, no, I said she was bleeping Goofy!"


----------



## Gorman

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. 
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too." 
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests." 
----------o0o----------
A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. "Who's he?" said the foreigner. "That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out." So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?" "Liverpool," replies the Memory Man. "Who did they beat?" "Leeds," was the reply. "And the score?" "2-1." "Who scored the winning goal?" "Ian St. John," was the old man's reply. The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting "How". The Memory man replied, "Diving header in the six yard box." 
----------o0o----------
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to
the bartender: "I'll have a Brandy.......
.........................................
.........................................
.........................................
.........................................
.........................................
............and coke."
The bartender asks:
"What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I don’t know... I've always had them."


----------



## Gorman

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder. 


Good news:
Wine does not make you FAT .........................
It makes you LEAN .......................................................................................... Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people. 

----------o0o------------

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. 
"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!" 

----------o0o----------

A scouser says to the prostitute "How much is it love?". She replies "25 quid" So the scouser says "Do it my way and I'll give ya 35 quid" The tart replies "What ways that then Scouse?" He replies " errrrr 50p a week"

----------o0o----------

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" 
So the Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

----------o0o----------


----------



## 1943

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had s * x together over fifty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having s * x against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and
the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old
man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious s * x that
the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while
both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they
both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life
and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic s * x life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to

Amy? 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows

today so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall

is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here,

OK?'?

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail she tells him'This is the one right here.'?

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks'Tell me lady', cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be

bred?'?

'That's simple, she said, by the nail that's over its stall' she explains very confidently.

?Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the

nail for?'??

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's for you to hang your pants on.'?



xxxxxxxxxxxx

tevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!". 

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. 

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". 

A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show off his technical expertise. 

The little old man jumps up again. 

"No, no.. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". 

Well and truly p*ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike... 

and starts to sing ..... " A jazz chord to say I ruv you..." 



xxxxxxxxxx

fter getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.. 

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..) 

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph. 

'So bust him,' says the Chief. 

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. 

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. 

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' 
Cop: 'Bigger.' 

Chief: ' A senator?' 
Cop: 'Bigger.' 

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?' 
Cop: 'Bigger.' 

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' 

Cop: 'I think it's God!' 

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' 

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'


----------



## Gorman

Irish Divorce
"Well, Mrs. O'connor, so you want a divorce? "The solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now we have a carport".
The solicitor tried again. "Well does the man beat you up?" he enquired.
"No no," said Mrs. O'connor looking puzzled. "Oim always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried again. "Well does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now he plays the flute but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out is what grounds you have."
"Bless ye sor. We live in a flat-not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'connor," said the solicitor in some exasperation, "To get a divorce you need a reason that the court can consider.What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah well now," said the lady. "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."
----------o0o--------- 
Letter to the editor: "Sir, if you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall cease borrowing your newspaper.”
----------o0o-------- 
In the beginning when God was creating the world, he was sitting on a Cloud telling his pal the Angel Gabriel what he planned for Scotland. "Gabby" he said. "I’m going to give them soaring mountains, purple glens. High flying eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky coloured nectar can be made, green lush spectacular golf courses, coal in the ground, oil under the sea, gas... "Hold on" said Gabriel "Are you not being over generous to these Scots. "NO" replied the Almighty "Wait till you see the neighbours I'm going to give them.


----------



## Gorman

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh Bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
----------o0o----------
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think
"I'm having that!"
----------o0o---------
This one works every time and you will always end up in bed with them.......' Excuse me, love, does this damp cloth smell of chloroform to you?
----------o0o---------
*COULD BE CONSIDERED AS A WEE BIT NAUGHTY~~~~YOU AV BEEN WARNED*
Paddy buys a brand new pair of black, shiny wellies in time for the village dance. He's so proud of these new wellies and is flashing them around the dance floor for all the girls to see.
When Annie asks him to dance with her he looks down and is amazed to see, on the tip of his wellies, the reflection of Annie's panties. "Annie", he says, "You're wearing pink panties tonight" Annie is amazed and can't figure out how he could possibly know.
Paddy, with his new found power, spends the rest of the evening dancing with all the girls and surprising them with his comments on the colour of their panties.
Come the last dance and Paddy hitches up with Sheena. After a few minutes of dancing Paddy says to Sheena "What colour panties are you wearing tonight?" Sheena replies that she's not wearing any. "Thank goodness for that", says Paddy, "I thought my new wellies had a crack in dem"


----------



## Gorman

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. 
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade. 
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. 
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. 
The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, 'How longa you gonna be?'"

----------o0o---------

The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her over for the weekend.
"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble... First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard..."
"Mom!" he tells her, "I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limo."
"That would be nice, but I'll still have to get my ticket at the airport...And try to get a seat on the plane... And I hate sitting in the middle..."
"Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"
"Yes, well, but when we land, I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport... And try to find a cab... And you know what holiday crowds are like..."
"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"
"I don't know... I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive... And they're not like they once were..."
"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"
"Well..." She thinks. "I guess. All right," she sighs. "I'll come... just for you."
That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends.
"What's new?" the friend asks.
"I'm visiting my son for the weekend. "
"The doctor?"
"No... the other one." 

----------o0o----------

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor, "Dactor, it's me erse. I'd loik ya ta take a look, if ya would". 
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here" 
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?." 
"Well fur gadness sake take it out man," shrieks the patient. 
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. 
"Ah Dactor, tank ye koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?" 
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly." 
"Ah, dat'd be roit amount. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."


----------



## Gorman

After many years, a young Talmud (Jewish) student who had left the old country for America, returns to visit his family.
"But, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in American, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?" Mama asks.
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food, you still eat?" asks Mama.
"Mama, in American, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?"

----------o0o----------

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teenager is in Trouble:
10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou stinketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "trotting under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards. 

----------o0o----------

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40 years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us, let's sell them and each move into a home for the aged. 
Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were soon placed. 
Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, and one day asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here?" 
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. She then said, "You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend." 
Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful. Tell me what you do." 
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs." 
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?" 
She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. 
Mrs. Cohen said, "So what do you do?" 
"We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below." 
Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you do?" 
Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don't know any Jewish songs, we bleep.


----------



## Gorman

A man decides to build a house. He wants it to be a long-standing structure so he hires a team of designers and workers. He hires a group of Germans to come up with all of the plans. He tells the Germans, "Do your best work and design me a four bedroom, 2.5 bath, Georgian house with a master bedroom with a veranda. After you design it, give the plans to the Polish guys. He then approaches a group of Polish workers and explains to them that he will pay them to build this house. He says, "You will get the plans from the Germans. Figure out how many men you need for the job and the Chinese guys will give you all of the materials. Finally he gathers a group of Chinese men and says, "Okay, you guys are in charge of the supplies." 
3 months later he comes back to the site and there is absolutely nothing. framework, no foundation, not even a hole in the ground. He immediately goes to the Germans, "What the hell is the problem? Where is my house?" The Germans reply, "Sir, we finished the plans in a week and just like you said we gave them to the Polish workers. The man storms over to the Polish workers and demands to know where his building is. The Polish workers reply, "Sir, we got the plans from the Germans in due time and we have all the men set up and ready to build but we have no supplies" The architect extremely distraught at this point exclaims, "Where the hell are the Chinese guys?!" All of a sudden the Chinese men pop from behind the dumpster and yell, 
"SUPPLIZE!!" 
----------o0o----------
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET" 
----------o0o---------
Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bath robe. 
"Kate my wife" he says "what ever is the matter, yer still in yer robe."
"Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is."
"Ah lass I don't know either, but if you high yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy 'n' she'll be able to tell ye." Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs.
Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing. "Kate, whatever happened?" "I tol' Mrs. Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just pi$$ in a bottle. So I told her to she-ite in her hat . . . and the fight was on.


----------



## Gorman

Compliments of ma wee aunty in Scotland:

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!


------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"



------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"




------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------


Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!


-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"


----------



## Gorman

Yesterday, a friend was travelling on a Paris to London flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. She grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag. He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money.
He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered, "I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to. Here is some advice for you. Stay away from Birmingham."
My friend was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" she asked him.
"No...." he whispered back.... "It's a she-ite hole." 

----------o0o---------

Paddy walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp." Paddy replies, "And will that make it lighter?!"

----------o0o----------

Scotsman: "Put on yer coat, hen, I'm going to the pub."
Wife: "Are ye taking me out for a wee dram?"
Scotsman: "Don't be daft woman, I'm turning the heat off. 

----------o0o----------


A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking out etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish"
The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said "Irish". 
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow" 
Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice "Dublin". 
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. 
Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say: "Jimmy"
Replied the other: "Paddy" 
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly: "Cancer". 
Paddy responded: "Sagittarius".


----------



## Gorman

*WARNING*
It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.
Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!... Thank you, thank you!" 
Father Christmas promises him that :-
1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.
3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"
Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.
After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
"36" replies the man.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay Bar-steward in fancy dress.
----------o0o----------
Remember that a dog is not just for Christmas
If you carve them very thinly they'll last well into January.
---------o0o----------
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. 
I said, "Just wait." 
----------o0o---------
If you broke the law of gravity, would you get a suspended sentence?

----------o0o--------
Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Somehow I think that the last five minutes aren't so hot either.
----------o0o--------
Thought for the day 
Beware 
The toes you step on today 
could well be attached 
to the legs 
that lead to the arsh 
you may have to kiss tomorrow


----------



## Gorman

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy. 

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. 
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" 

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy, let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that yes she did. 

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen". 

----------o0o-----------

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......


"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

----------o0o----------

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.


----------



## pippin

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently a funeral director asked me to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. 

He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the middle of nowhere.

Since I was not familiar with the area, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. 

I finally arrived an hour late. 

The hearse was nowhere in sight; the funeral director had evidently gone.
Only the diggers and crew remained, and they were eating lunch. 

I felt bad and apologized to them for being late. 
I went to the excavation and looked down; the vault lid was already in place. 
I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. 

I played out my heart and soul for this homeless man with no family or friends. 

I played as I've never played before. 

And as I played “ Amazing Grace ," the workers began to weep. 

They wept, I wept; we all wept together. 

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and went back to my car. 

Though my head hung low, my heart was full. 

As I opened my car door, one of the workers said, 

"I've never heard anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


----------



## Gorman

"My God man! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as
he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. 

"I got in a tiff with Riley." 

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. 
"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did", Kelly said. "A shovel it was." 

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" 

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob." Kelly said. "And a 
beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight." 

----------o0o----------

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise
with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the
whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured
the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down
the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one
hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one
bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I
don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I
get.


----------



## Gorman

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of 
battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

----------o0o----------

The teacher asked the students to write a "short novel" as an English test. She explained that great novels always involved mystery, sex, royalty and religion. In ten minutes, little Tommy announced he was finished, and the he'd included her four basic elements, so the teacher read:
"Holy Moses!" cried the princess. "Pregnant, again! I wonder Who." 

----------o0o----------

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I thought so...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window...they're choking my ducks!"


----------



## Gorman

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms. 

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. 

He went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the edge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if he could go on with no arms. 

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. 

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" 

He replied;, "I’m NOT happy. My arse itches."


----------



## Gorman

*Ponder the imponderable.*

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person
who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while
they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those 
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea , does that mean that one
enjoys it?

----------o0o-----------


----------



## Gorman

*And You Thought You Were Having a Bad Day*

A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy in 1983. He managed to break out a window, climb out, and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a public service movie in 1983 on "The Dangers of Low-Level Bridges" when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I. narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for his files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him instantly.

Depressed since he couldn't find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy with a gun in his hand, threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour, he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

In 1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y. was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

A man hit by a car in New York City in 1977 got up uninjured, but laid back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car then rolled forward and crushed him to death.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down, and found himself in the city prison.

Two German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace from opposite directions but both near the middle of the road. At the moment of impact, their heads were both out of the widows where they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

In a case of "one thing leading to another", seven men, aged 18-27 years, received jail sentences of 3-4 years each in Kingston-On-Thames, England in 1979, after a fight that started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they stood waiting for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him, she fainted. Hearing a disturbance, a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter, and he and his wife were reconciled


----------



## Gorman

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.

The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.

The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, get in the middle of the guys face and say, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you, you're an Ash-ole!"

Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he's about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks: "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"

Officer responds: "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. "

Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined.

Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer: "'Aggressive" and 'Hostile', Sir"

Attorney: "'Aggressive' and 'Hostile'"

Officer: "Yes Sir."

Attorney: "Officer,,, are you sure it doesn't stand for Ash-hole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!"

----------o0o------------

*The Glasgow Airport attack in perspective...*

If this had happened in a US airport, compared to Glasgow

Eyewitness accounts.

America: "Oh my God! There was a man on fire, he was running about, i just
ran for my life. I thought i was gonna die, he got so close to me."

Glasgow: "Bleep wis running aboot on fire, so a ran up n gave him a good
boot, then decked him."

America: "I just wanna get home, away from here. I just wanna get home, I
thought i was gonna die.."

Glasgow: "here shug, am no leaving here till am oan a Bleeping' plane!"

America: "There was pandemonium, people were running in all directions, we
didn't know what was happening thought I was gonna die."

Glasgow: "Bleep this fir a kerry oan, moan we'll get a pint in."

America: "We thought he was gonna blow us all up he had a gas canister, and was trying to get into his trunk, I thought we were gonna die, I just ran for my life".

Glasgow: "Ah swaggered by the motor that wis on fire, and the dafty couldnae even open his boot, he wis in fire annaw so a ran up n gave him a good boot to the baws".

America: "I'm too traumatized even to speak, I thought i was gonna die".

Glasgow "Here mate, gies 2 minutes till a phone ma auld dear, if am gonna be oan the telly a want her tae tape it".

And finally, two quotes from an eye-witness John Smeaton (these are
real)... John just surpassed himself on the National ITV new. The interviewer asked:
"What message do you have for the bombers" - he replied "This is Glasgow we'll just set about you".
John did an interview on CNN and they asked how he restrained the guy and he said "Me and other folk were just tryin' to get the boot in and some
other guy banjoed him!"


----------



## Gorman

Subject: Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! 
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! 
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!! 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. 
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my plums and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


----------



## Gorman

*NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)*

Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?

Contestant: Basketball.

*DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)*

Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?

Contestant: Enid Blyton.

*NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)*

Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?

Contestant: Jelly.

*FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)*

Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT.

Team: Chedpit.

*SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)*

Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?

Contestant: Six.

Tufnell: Higher!

Contestant: Five.

*NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)*

Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?

Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it? ]

*THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)*

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway?

*QUIZMANIA (ITV)*

Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.

Contestant: Doctor.

Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.

Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.

*BIG QUIZ (LBC)*

Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.

Contestant: Lepers.

*DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)*

Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?

Contestant: I need a clue.


----------



## Gorman

NASA sent a woman and 2 chimps into space. Radio messages were as follows:

NASA to chimp 1: Optimize life support systems and recalibrate radiation monitoring equipment.

NASA to chimp 2: Check trajectory and compensate if required using formula (m2-3n)x(5-m3).

NASA to woman: Hoover capsule, feed chimps, *TOUCH BLEEP ALL!*
----------o0o----------

I ended up with an older women at a club last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60 year old, in fact she was not too bad at all, and I found myself thinking 'she probably has a real hot daughter too'.

We drank a bit (well more than a bit) we had a cuddle, and she asked me if I had ever had a sportsman double.

I asked her what that was and she replied, 'a mother and daughter threesome'.
'No'. I said and began to wonder what this daughter of hers looked like.

We had a bit more to drink and then left for her place.

When we entered the hallway, she put the light on and shouted upstairs,
'Mum are you still awake.'

----------o0o----------

Islam prohibits gambling

So what's the deal with Mecca bingo then?


----------



## chrisjrv

Paddy and Mick are staring puzzled at a flagpole. "whats up?" says I. Paddy says "the boss wants to know how high it is and we can't reach the top to drop the tape measure down" So.. I undo the bolts on the swivel, lower the flagpole to the ground and get one to hold the tape while I measure to the other end. "There you are, 25 foot 4 inches"
"Thats no good says Mick, we wanted the height not the width!!!!!!!"


----------



## Losos

Zebedee said:


> I enjoy "_*rude*_" as much as anybody, but don't think there's any need for "*crude*" on a public forum.
> 
> Looking forward to a titter.
> 
> Zeb


How nice to find someone *who knows the difference * I always think the best jokes about male and female anatomy etc. are those where there is a high degree of inuendo, meaning that it's unnecessary IMO to be blatantly crude, no one (with any sort of brain) finds that funny and it can be very insulting to women which is something that really annoys me.

So Bill do post from time to time I'll look out for them, and if they make me laugh (Which is quite difficult to do BTW) then I'll tell you.


----------



## Losos

Gorman said:


> A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
> 
> The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.
> 
> The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, get in the middle of the guys face and say, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you, you're an Ash-ole!"
> 
> Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he's about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks: "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"
> 
> Officer responds: "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. "
> 
> Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"
> 
> Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined.
> 
> Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"
> 
> Officer: "'Aggressive" and 'Hostile', Sir"
> 
> Attorney: "'Aggressive' and 'Hostile'"
> 
> Officer: "Yes Sir."
> 
> Attorney: "Officer,,, are you sure it doesn't stand for Ash-hole?"
> 
> Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!"
> 
> ----------o0o------------


 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Fantastic, I do love lokes about ordinary people getting one over the legal fraternity :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Gorman

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore "bum" asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell "arsh" cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

----------o0o----------

Two women are discussing the problem of getting their laundry dry.
The first one asks: how do you tell what the weather will be like when you are doing the
washing? If my boyfriends manhood is lying to the right, it will be dry, her friend replies.
If its lying to the left it will be wet.
What if its straight up? the first woman asks.
In that case sod the washing.

-----------o0o----------

The *"F"* word in history

Top 11 Times In History When the Bleep word Was Appropriate

1. "Scattered bleeping showers, my arsh!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "How the bleep did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

3. "You want WHAT on the bleeping ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where did all those bleeping Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

5. "It does so bleeping look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6 "Where the bleep are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

7. "Any bleeping idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein, 1938

8. "What the bleep was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "I need this parade like I need a bleeping hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

10. "Aw c'mon. Who the bleep is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1998

11. "Watch him, he'll have some bleeper's eye out" - Harold 1066


----------



## Gorman

Test


----------



## MalanCris

Gorman said:


> Test


That's one of your best ones yet :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Gorman

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore "bum" asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell "arsh" cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

----------o0o----------

Two women are discussing the problem of getting their laundry dry.
The first one asks: how do you tell what the weather will be like when you are doing the
washing? If my boyfriends manhood is lying to the right, it will be dry, her friend replies.
If its lying to the left it will be wet.
What if its straight up? the first woman asks.
In that case sod the washing.

----------o0o----------

The* "F" word *in history

Top 11 Times In History When the Bleep word Was Appropriate

1. "Scattered bleeping showers, my arsh!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "How the bleep did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

3. "You want WHAT on the bleeping ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where did all those bleeping Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

5. "It does so bleeping look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6 "Where the bleep are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

7. "Any bleeping idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein, 1938

8. "What the bleep was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "I need this parade like I need a bleeping hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

10. "Aw c'mon. Who the bleep is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1998

11. "Watch him, he'll have some bleeper's eye out" - Harold 1066


----------



## Jiggles

Better have a word with your dog Gorman, it seems to be suffering amnesia ;-)
John


----------



## Gorman

Have I doubled up somewhere Jiggles???


----------



## Jiggles

'fraid so Gorman, the one about yorkshiremen and the F word in history ;-)

Rations for you me thinks ;-)

John


----------



## Gorman

Well chew my carroty appendage so I have well spotted, so here you go Jiggles just for you. With obversational skills such as that you would make a guid top-side inspector;
******************
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?' 
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.' 
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.' 
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way. He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned. 
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?' 
'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Poof, a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!'

******************

What do new car tyres and condoms have in common?
When used correctly, both could stop you having an unfortunate accident.

******************

*Swine Flu.................... *

The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."

And the little piggy said ...

"*Bleep off* or I'll sneeze on you."


----------



## Gorman

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of The Thames near The House Of Commons in Central London .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it. ''Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down the other side of the river near the parking lot by Parliament House.' 'Same here. Hmm....How do you catch them?' 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the she-ite out of them and eat 'em!' 'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the she-ite out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ash-hole and a briefcase.' 

*****************************

As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door.
' I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside,' I said.
Again, he shouted back.
'I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room' I replied. A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.
'Dad, I've got dog she-ite all over my shoes.'

*****************************

A family consisting of mum, dad, and 10 year old daughter are on a picnic.
The mum and daughter wander over to a field, where there are some horses, 
they are admiring them, when the daughter says to her mum,
"what’s that?" and points to a rather well endowed stallion"
the mum is embarrassed and replies" it’s nothing" and walks off.
The girl calls to her dad and he comes over and asks her what she wants
she say’s "what’s that?" and again points to the stallion.
He says what did your mum say ?"
the girl replied and said" she said it was nothing!"
the dad laughs and says "your mum "s been spoilt" 

*****************************


----------



## Jiggles

Keep it up Gorman, the tablets are kicking in . . .
John ;-)


----------



## Gorman

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,
and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.



The Jamaican began screaming:


'You got dem on de wrong feet!'.


----------o0o---------


A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant
outside the Social Security Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 
'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 
'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family
and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage,
a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW,
full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be British with British clothes instead of rags, 
and I want to have white skin like the British.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA,
a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. 
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 
'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said

'Tough luck. Now that you are British,

you're entitled to sweet bleep-all just like the rest of us”.

And she disappeared.


----------



## Gorman

*~~That's All Folks-See you all on the 1st April~~*

Dear Wife:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister Carla and I are moving away to Preston together. Have a great life!

Response

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with Carla, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that she had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

----------o0o-----------

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ....
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman 
pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the
opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit..........

which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

----------o0o-----------

On Monday morning the Postman is walking through
the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering
the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he
noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner,
coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor
bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a
party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had
it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt
like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the
neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and It got
a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight
that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you
play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go
in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels'
showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the
women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun.
I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did, Derek responded.
'Your name came up seven times.


----------



## 1943

Getting a hairdryer through customs... 


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Cus toms limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' 
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. 
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' 
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' 
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'







Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. 

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel


----------



## pippin

A couple of titters to keep us going:

AN IRISH BLOND IN A CASINO 

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. 

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'. 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes !' 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' 

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. 
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' 

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' 

MORAL OF THE STORY - 

Not all Irish are drunks, 
not all blondes are dumb, 
but all men...are men.


and

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. 
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. 
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. 
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.


The man replied,

'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. 

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. 

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to smile. 

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'....... I just lost it.'!!!



'CASE DISMISSED!!'


----------



## pippin

Where is Gorman?

A Blonde's Year in Review 

January 
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. 

February 
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels......
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!' 

April 
Trapped on escalator for hours ... 
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! 

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope. 

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September 
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it??? 

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel. 

November 
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... 
Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! 

December 

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!


----------



## pippin

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. 

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. 

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. 

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' 

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty....) 













(Wait for it!)



















'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!!


----------



## pippin

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. 

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 
'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You've got to keep the old motor running.

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. 

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You've got to keep the old motor running..'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 
'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you've got to keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. 

This one's black.'


----------



## Gorman

*Here we Go!!*

You can sue Cadbury's for making you fat.

You can sue cigarette companies for giving you cancer.

But you can't sue Carlsberg for all the ugly birds you've slept with.

*****************************

The dentist pulls out a Novocaine needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

*****************************

Old Chinese proverb says; 
Man who walks through doorway sideways with election (well spotted pippin) is going to Bangkok !

*****************************

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith on Friday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to bleep off."

They said they would let me know


----------



## pippin

Welcome back Gorman, as you can see I have been holding the fort for you!

You have made a mistake in the third joke, it should *l*ead:

_Old Chinese p*l*overb says; 
Man who walks through doorway sideways with e*l*ection is going to Bangkok !_

Attention to detail p*r*ease!


----------



## Gorman

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist.

You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions.

Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Oxford "

"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"

"No - that's where the end of the queue is"

*****************************

Dr. Calvin Erickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. 

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Erickson outside and kicked the s**t out of him.

*****************************

Two Women In Heaven Talking

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.


----------



## Gorman

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. 
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

----------o0o---------

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No she-ite?"

---------o0o---------

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."


----------



## Gorman

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny and beautiful fairy appeared on their table. 
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so loving to each other for all these times, I will grant you each a wish." 
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." 
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. 
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. 
So, the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! . . . The husband became 92 years old. 

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful [email protected] should remember.........fairies are female! 

---o0o---

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes.... Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!' 

-----o0o-----

What's the difference between a pigeon and a banker?

A pigeon can still leave a deposit on a Lamborghini.


----------



## Gorman

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny and beautiful fairy appeared on their table. 
She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being so loving to each other for all these times, I will grant you each a wish." 
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." 
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. 
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. 
So, the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! . . . The husband became 92 years old. 

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bar-stewards should remember.........fairies are female! 

-----o0o-----

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? 
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do. 
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Guess. 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last: 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


----------



## Jiggles

Gorman :lol: 

Whilst the fairy joke was, undeniably funny, did you need to tell it to us twice? How bad do you think our memories are? :lol: 

John


----------



## Gorman

Well spotted that man, must have been doubled up on my joke file.
Jeez..must be getting old in my old age eh!!


----------



## Jiggles

You can be forgiven almost anything Gorman  

John


----------



## Gorman

Yer a nice man John.

PS: Bloke phones his boss, says I won't be into work today 'cause I’ve got anal blindness. The boss says what’s that, bloke says, can't see my ar$e getting out of this bed today!!


----------



## Gorman

*THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)*

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

*BEACON RADIO, Wolverhampton*

DJ Mark: For £10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

*UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)*

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

*RTE RADIO 2FM, Ireland*

Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The. .?

Caller: Mohicans.

*RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))*

Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Forrest Gump.

*LINCS FM PHONE-IN*

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

*NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)*

Q: What is the world's largest continent?

A: The Pacific

*RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))*

Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. . .

Presenter: He makes bread. . .

Contestant: Err...

Presenter: He makes cakes. .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

*THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)*

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

*BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)*

Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?

Contestant: Ummm. . .

Moyles: It begins with's' and rhymes with 'perm'.

Contestant: Shark.

*AMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)*

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?

*CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)*

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er . . . Mexico?

*PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)*

Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

*DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVE TIME (VIRGIN RADIO)*

Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

*THE VAULT (ITV)*

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

*STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)*

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus

Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?

Contestant: Cartons?

*TALKSPORT*

Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?

Caller: Two.

Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...?

Caller: Five.

*MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)*

Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?

Contestant: Erm...

Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.

Contestant: 1965?

*WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? (ITV)*

Chris Tarrant (asking the audience): 'Jambon' is the French for which food?

11 per cent of the audience: Jam.

*DAVE LEE TRAVIS SHOW (BREEZE FM)*

DLT: In which European country are there people called Walloons?

Contestant: Wales.

*JANICE FORSYTH SHOW (BBC RADIO SCOTLAND)*

Forsyth: What is India's currency?

Contestant: Ramadan.

*OWEN MONEY SHOW (BBC RADIO WALES)*

Money: In 30 seconds, name as many well-known politicians as you can.

Caller: Er. . . Tony Brown . . . and Nigel Benn. (Silence.)

*UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)*

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

*BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)*

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester.

*PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)*

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er. . .

Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant: (Silence.)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: I don't know.

White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm.

White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?

Contestant: Strong.

White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

Contestant: Louis.

White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.


----------



## Gorman

Paddy was in New York ..

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

-----o0o-----

Husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of forty years. Hitman says I’ll shoot her just below her left breast, husband says, I want her dead, not bloody kneecapped. 

-----o0o-----

Being a very religious kind of guy, when I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bar-steward!!"


----------



## Gorman

A guy walks into the doctors surgery and punches the Doctor.
'You bar-steward stop hitting on my wife by telling her she has a nice f%$#y'

The Doctor replies,
'Listen mate, I said she has Acute Angina!'

-----o0o-----

The Scottish Department of Agriculture (S.D.A.) claimed a small north east farmer was not
paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview
him.

The Department of agriculture employee asked Jim the farmer "I need a list of your employees
and how much you pay them."

Jim the farmer replies: "Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I
pay him £300 a week plus free room and board...Then there's the
mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and
does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £25 per
week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky
every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally".

SDA employee: "That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged
one".

Jim the farmer: "That would be me."

-----o0o-----

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. 

Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."

The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"

The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."

Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"

The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."

The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"

The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"

"No deer", said the Chief. "Ass too high, run too fast.

-----o0o-----

Jim and Ida are an elderly married couple & residents in a secure unit for the mentally ill. One day walking alongside the swimming pool Jim falls in the deep end and quickly sinks to the bottom. In a flash, Ida dives in a rescues her husband, dragging him out and saving his life........

The manager of the mental hospital writes to Ida......

Dear Ida, i have some bad news and some good news, the bad news is that your husband, immediately after you saved him, went into the bathroom and hung himself with the belt of his dressing gown, Jim is dead. But......The good news is that your unselfish act of bravery demonstrates rational thinking and that means you can go home.......

Ida replies to the manager......

Dear Manager, - Jim didn’t hang himself, I put him in there to dry, when can I leave ?


----------



## Gorman

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ 
of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa 
convention in San Francisco, and several members 
lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker 
contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of 
salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles 
without spilling, and using only the implements at 
hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally 
came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin,
a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the 
waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. 

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice 
that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt 
shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." 
She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched 
them. 

-----o0o-----

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...



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What were you thinking? 

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! 

Now, get back to your emails. 

I don't know about you sometimes.


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## Gorman

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?

Wait for it

Wait for it

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

HAVE A BLESSED DAY! NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

-----o0o-----

*Letters to the editor of the Daily Mail*

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris Patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.

Les Barnsley


----------



## Gorman

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. 

Colum Hill 

--------------- 

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. 

L Palmer, London 

----------------- 

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD Pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. 
P Boddington, Ringway 

--------------------- 

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door with a belt. 
Paul Mulraney, Belfast 

------------------------ 

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? 
Alun Daniel 

------------------------ 

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. 
Alan Thakray 

-------------------------- 

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original? 
Anon 

---------------------------- 

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road . 
Alan J., London 

--------------------- 

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. 
T Barnham, London 

----------------------- 

HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. 
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford 

-------------------------- 

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain , a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? 
John Campbell, e-mail 

------------------------ 

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. 
Mike Woods, e-mail 

------------------------ 

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. 
Shuggie, Email 

------------------------- 

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. 
Chris Scaife, Jesmond 

------------------------ 

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr. Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? 
Dave Owen, Edinburgh 

------------------------- 

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. 
Tripod 

---------------- 

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs. 
Stan 

----------------- 

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. 
Thomas J


----------



## pippin

What's the "N" word?


----------



## Gorman

Good question, never noticed it until you pointed it out. I don't think what I think it is!!


----------



## Gorman

PENDING MARRIAGE 
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. 

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commit my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. 

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. 

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. 

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." 



And the moral of this story is: 

Always keep your condoms in your car........ 

------o0o------


A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear and then I began to read to my bear from the HOLY WORD!
But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praying.

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in bad shape...................
The rabbi looks up and says, "Okay, Looking back on it...

Perhaps circumcision may not have been the best way to start?"


----------



## Gorman

I was in Waitrose the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a
young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."


----------



## Gorman

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside... 

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:

She-ite!, that must be my husband! 

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car. 

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
I'm your husband, you slut!!! 

So the woman answers:
Oh, yeah?!! And why were you bleeping running?!! You bar-steward!! 



Trevor, the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business. He had several 
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, 
whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any 
rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. 
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. 
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. 
Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. 
The result? The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. 

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?


----------



## Gorman

The bunny and the snake

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned Bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the Bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you've a forked tongue, no backbone and no testicles."

" I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."


----------



## Gorman

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to 
hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using
the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to 
use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you 
will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 

Daily Thought: Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for
anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the
stairs. 

-----o0o-----

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. 
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me." 
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them. 
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Passaic, NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65. 
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes. 
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters. 
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" 
"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat ##!!&&a firetruck!!"


----------



## Gorman

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. 
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. 
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. 
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' 
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....' 
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. 
Please tell him to simply answer the question.' 
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shamus’s answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his 
favourite cow, Bessie'. 
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. 
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' 

'Now what the Fek would you say?' 

-----o0o-----

Michael O’Leary (of Ryanair) goes up to a bar in a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.
“That’ll be 1 euro” says the barman 
Michael said “That’s a very fair price”
And then the barman asks ........
...................................................................
...................................................................
................................................................... 
“Would you like a glass with that?”


----------



## Gorman

A girl just walked past me who was so pretty I forgot to look at her breasts. 

-----o0o-----

If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for. 
Hymie’s son goes to Oxford to study.
A month later he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Oxford is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to lectures with my Mercedes when all my tutors travel by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million pound check saying: "Stop embarrassing us - go and get yourself a train too!"

-----o0o-----


I do backing vocals. 
It's me who says, "This vehicle is reversing". 

-----o0o-----

Do you think Gordon Brown's bum gets jealous about the amount of she-ite that constantly comes out of his mouth? 

-----o0o-----


Antique collecting has become very popular. Right now there are 15 million Americans who have things that are old, funny looking, don't work and are only kept for sentimental purposes. Some of these are called antiques - and the rest are called...... husbands and wives.

-----o0o-----

The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession and was considering the man's penitence. "Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin?" "Yes Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man. "I here-by resolve to double my efforts." "And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son?" the Priest went on. "Yes Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall both worship and confess every week." "And how about your debts and those you have cheated?" inquired the Priest. "Now just a minute Father." said the man. "Now you're talking business and not religion."

-----o0o-----

Sex is very much like drugs as the quality depends on the pusher.


----------



## Gorman

Today I bought some hiking boots and a rucksack and went to the Lake District. I walked for 5 miles, sat down on a stone wall and had some coffee. Then I walked another 3 miles and had a biscuit, then I ......
Sorry I'm rambling... 


It has been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,200 Internet users. 
I've had emails from every single one. 


I just watched 'Whose Line is it Anyway?'
It's about Dementia sufferers with a coke addiction. 

My mate introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that 100% guarantees pay out.
It's called a Job. 

April 23
Hats off to the Icelandic people.
First they declared themselves bankrupt...
Then they set their island on fire....
Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds? 

A Scotsman went to the fancy-dress ball dressed as Napoleon so that he could keep his hand on his wallet.

The Irishman was showing the Englishman and the Scotsman the biggest building in his native town. 
The Scotsman said, 'Back home we have buildings ten times the size of that.' 
The Englishman said, 'Back home we have buildings a hundred times the size of that.' 
'I'm not surprised,' said the Irishman. That's the local lunatic asylum.'

Rafferty had been told to attend hospital for a minor operation, but he was afraid. So when the fateful morning arrived, he lay in bed determined not to go. 'Ring the hospital,' he said to his wife, 'and tell them I'm sick.' 'You get to hospital,' she answered. 'There's nothing wrong with you!' So Rafferty arrived at hospital and was bathed, changed and safely tucked up in bed. 'Now,' said the nurse, 'you're to stay there and not get up. So let me know if you want a bed pan.' 'A bed pan?' roared Rafferty. 'Don't tell me we've got to do our own cooking!'

Pokemon , A Jamaican proctologist.

The old soldier hopped in, crutch under one arm, and called to Murphy the barman. 'A pint of the dark stuff.' Too late,' said Murphy, 'we've just closed up.' 'Ah come on,' said the soldier. 'I lost my leg at Dunkirk.' 'Well, you won't find it in this pub,' said Murphy.

'She's a horrible woman,' said Murphy about his mother-in-law. 'She makes her own yoghurt. She puts a pint of milk on the table and stares at it!'


----------



## Gorman

*Suitably edited for all.................I think*

LESSONS ON SEX---What I have Learned

1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big appendage or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!


----------



## Gorman

For all of those British trapped abroad and unable to get a ticket onto Eurostar or the Calais ferry, due to the ash closing airports. Do not worry.
Just tell the French that you are a refugee with no experience in any trade, with a family of 12 and that you want free money. You'll be home in no time. 

-----o0o-----

The Quinn twins were almost identical except that Pat had one huge eye and one normal one, while Mick had one huge ear and one normal one. They both volunteered to join Sir Walter Raleigh in his round the world voyage. 
'With my big eye, sor, I can see for miles. I'd be ideal in the crow's nest look-out,' said Pat. 'Agreed,' said Raleigh. 
'And with my big ear I can hear even the quietest sound,' said Mick. 'I'd be ideal on deck listening for any talk of mutiny.' 
So both Quinns were hired and duly the ship set sail. Three days out, Pat called from the crow's nest. 'Ship on the port bow.' 
Raleigh took out his telescope and scanned the horizon - nothing. 'It's there, skipper, believe me,' answered Pat. 
Three hours later a tiny speck could be seen through the telescope. 
'My God, what amazing sight you have!' 'Yes, and she's a Portuguese man-of-war,' said Pat. 'How do you know that?' asked Raleigh. 'Surely you can't see the flag?' '
No, sor,' said Pat. 'But my brother can hear them talking.' 

-----o0o-----

An American tourist was driving through a Scottish Village when his Cadillac ground to a halt for no obvious reason. He got out and walked into the nearest shop. 'Pardon me, friend, but are there any mechanics living around here?' he said. 'No, we're all McDonalds,' said the assistant.


----------



## pippin

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story 
and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like 
the thing to do.'

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened 
to her prayers which went like this: 

'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy s***!' thought the father, "this kid is in contact with 
the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard 
her say: 

'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. 

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. 

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. 

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end 
of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his 
watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so 
late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the 
worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe 
what happened to me. 

This morning my golf pro dropped dead right in the middle of my lesson!"


----------



## Gorman

Some years back we had to get a young female receptionist to change her response to people who phoned her looking for her boss. At the time her response was 'Sorry, he is on the floor beneath me! We thought a reply of 'He now works on a different level' may have saved some confusion and amusement.

----------o0o-----------

Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!

----------o0o-----------

*Negligent (adj.)*, describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

----------o0o-----------

A Tennessee hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. 
"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?" 
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?" 
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a 'match'." 
"'Match'? Never heard of it." "Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants." 
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam." 
"Well, why not?" 
"I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your pants."

----------o0o-----------

A Belfast man went into a chemist's and asked for a comb. 'Do you wanna steel one, mister?' asked the assistant. 'Naw, it's all right, I'll pay for it.'

----------o0o-----------

April 21
In my block of flats I live in flat 2A. I just found out that the lady next to me is engaged. As soon as I heard that I thought of a great joke to tell her. 
So I knocked on her door. When she opened it I said: "You must be the bride 2B." 
"No." She replied. "My boyfriend left me for my sister." And then she burst into tears and slammed the door shut. 
Inconsiderate bitch could've at least laughed at my joke.

----------o0o-----------

Life is starting to return to normal for the people in Norfolk 
For the first time in nearly a century now that regular sightings of "the big scary metal dragons in the sky" have suddenly stopped.


----------



## Gorman

*WEE BIT OF A WARNING ON THIS ONE...YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!*

A man was in a long line at Boots. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over th e intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the count er, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

(you'll love this one...................)

'Cleanup, Register 5'


----------



## Gorman

*Red sky at night, cancelled flight.*

Our Weird Language ...
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Why do some people use the expression 'Good Grief'? (What is a Bad Grief?)
Why is the plural of goose-geese and not the plural of moose-meese?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice why aren't two houses hice?
If the plural of mouse is mice, what is the plural of spouse?
Why do we say something is awfully good? What exactly do we mean by this?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
Can you have only one plural?
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?
Can you be frequent infrequently?
Why do people say 'This and That' as opposed to 'That and This'?
If the plural of octopus is octopi and platypus is platypi what is the plural of schoolbus?
Why is sphinges the plural of sphinx if there's only one?
What's the difference between new and brand new?
Why do North Americans fill a form out but the English fill it in?

*I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day.
'Bit of a speed merchant are we sir?' he asked.
'A bit, now and then,' I replied, 'but I only sell to friends'.
So as well as three points I'm looking at three months.*

I'm not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.


----------



## Gorman

My girlfriend has got a massive case of diarrhoea.
She won’t find out until she unpacks her luggage.
That'll teach her for bleepin off to Magaluf on a hen night against my will.

-----o0o------

Kids!!!!!...never happy..I just got them the best film I could find of cows being slaughtered...they ran from the room screaming......I don’t understand it...they’ve been going on at me for ages to get abattoir on D.V.D.

-----o0o------

Forecasters say there may be three more weeks of poisonous outfall making life miserable for most of the UK. I for one will be glad when the election campaign is over.


----------



## Gorman

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."


----------



## Gorman

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic.
So Johnny says,
“Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?”
“What does it really matter? You’ll just have to ask your father”, his mother tells him.
So Johnny’s father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
“Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?”
“What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or more Hispanic?” asks his dad.
“Well, it’s like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don’t know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steel the bleeping thing!”

-----o0o-----

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN) “What would you like to do?”
Mute #2 (SIGN) “I don’t know, what about you?”
Mute #1 (SIGN) “Let’s get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun.”
Mute #2 (SIGN) “Good idea.”
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder…
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) “What?”
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) “Have you got any protection?”
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) “No. Don’t you?”
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) “No. We had better go to a drug store and get some.”
They precede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) “What?”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “I’ve got a problem.”
Inside Mute (SIGN) “What?”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “I can’t make the druggist understand what I want.”
Inside Mute (SIGN) “I know What to do.”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “What?”
Inside Mute (SIGN) “Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He’ll know what you want.”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “Good idea.”
The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he’s back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN) “Well?”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “It didn’t work.”
Inside Mute (SIGN) “What do you mean?”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars.”


----------



## joedenise

hi Bill

one of your best 

wish i didn't have a mouth full of tea when i got to the end.!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: 

joe


----------



## Gorman

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America .."

The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".


----------



## Gorman

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?
He bought a warehouse.

Did you hear about the gay magician?
He vanished with a poooof!!!

----------o0o----------

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided the next time he did something offensive, they would all stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a appendage twelve inches long." The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door. The professor sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"


----------



## Gorman

I'm voting for the Icelandic Volcano Party... It's done more to stop immigration in the last 5 days, than Labour has done in the last 10 years! 

-----o0o-----

Did you hear about the dyslexic druggie?
He thought he was getting LSD but ended up with quicker broadband. 

-----o0o-----

A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?""He turned blue and crapped on the carpet.


----------



## pippin

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' 

The father answers, 'Well, little man, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! 

Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. 


Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. 


We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. 

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. 

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 































'You've got Male!'


----------



## pippin

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. 


They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."


The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."


The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.


At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. 

She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"


The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."


Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. 

The blonde's wife said, 









































"Don't look at me... The idiot makes his own lunch."


----------



## Gorman

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable. 

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" 

"We're taking Easy jet," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" 

"Easy jet?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" 

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." 

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. 

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . 

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Easy jet's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. 

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." 

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?" 




He said: "Who the “bleep” did your hair?"


----------



## Gorman

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do 
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, 
Lord, what do You 
Want me to do?' 

God said, 'Go down 
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?' 

God explained it to 
Him. Then God said, 
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?' 

God explained that 
To him, and then said, 
'Go over to the hill....' 

Adam said, 'What is a 
Hill?' 

So, God explained to 
Adam what a hill was. 

He told Adam, 'On 
The other side of the 
Hill you will find a 
Cave.' 

Adam said, 'What's a 
Cave?' 

After God explained, 
He said, 'In the cave 
You will find a woman.' 

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?' 

So God explained 
That to him, too. 

Then, God said, 'I 
Want you to 
Reproduce.' 

Adam said, 'How do 
I do that?' 

God first said (under 
His breath), 'Geez.....' 

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to 
Adam, as well. 

So, Adam goes down 
Into the valley, 

Across the river, and 
Over the hill, into the 
Cave, and finds the 
Woman. 

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back. 

God, His patience 
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?' 

And Adam said.... 

* 

* 

(YOU'RE GOING TO 
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

* 

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'


----------



## Gorman

A guy is bemused at the whole array of different types of lingerie as he browses for a romantic gift for his wife......
The assistant asks.."May I help Sir with a decision"?
"Yes , I am looking for a see- through-negligee"..... he replies nervously
"What size Sir ?"
"Er.. 18 I think"
The assistant replies..." What the hell do you wanna see through that for!!"

-----o0o------

The England squad today have been visiting South Africa's largest orphanage based near Cape Town
"It was heartbreaking to have to see all their sad little faces etched with despair, filled with no hope.......", Commented Jamal, aged 6.


----------



## Gorman

A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off. 
The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away. 
The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life. 
The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug going around."


----------



## Gorman

The little German kiddie living next door asked me if I wanted a water fight?............................. Just thought I'd post this while I wait for the kettle to boil!!

-----o0o-----

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere 
with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every 
technique in the book without the slightest success. 

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell 
me the name of the town where you were born, without 
stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with 
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, 
who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. 
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?" 

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out 

" London ". Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of 
exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused 
for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry!"


----------



## Gorman

A man is dining .............in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. 
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. 
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. 
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. 
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens. 

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. 
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. 
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 
'No,' she replies… 



Wait for it…




It's coming… 







The suspense is killing you, isn't it? 




She says,

'You just happened to catch my eye.'


----------



## Gorman

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! 

(A} Almost Boobs... 
{B} Barely there... 
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake... 
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...


They forgot the German bra. 

Holtzemfromfloppen

-----o0o-----

Here's a possible solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you .. 

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed! 

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. 

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

-----o0o-----

I was out ...........with family and friends at a local pub, and I really stuck my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the pub -and of course we all joined in. I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.

The question was:

"Where do most women have curly hair?"





Apparently it's Africa.


----------



## Gorman

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ' How many people here believe in ghosts ? '

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost ?

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost ?

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost ?

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost ?

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says ' Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience. '

The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ' So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost ? '

Ahmed replied, " Crap, from way back there I thought you said Goats.

-----o0o-----

World Cup jokes at England's Expense
Newsflash.....

Floods hit Scotland as 5 million push themselves laughing.
-----o0o-----

What's the difference between the England football team and a teabag?

The teabag stays in the cup longer.

-----o0o-----

The S.F.A. have called on the Tartan army to reach out and offer support and commiserations for grief stricken England fans.

Sign your support at www.aye tha'lbebleepkingright.com

-----o0o-----

A man is having problems with his pecker which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your pecker is burned out; you only have 30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor had said.

She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."


----------



## Gorman

Please note you have been carefully selected as I know you will most likely know most of the answesr. It looks easy but it is a serious quiz please do not disappoint me it is not a joke

(Passing requires only 4 correct answers out of 10!)

Only total thicko's will fail !!

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?

2) Which country makes Panama hats ?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?

7) What was King George VI's first name ?

8) What color is a purple finch ?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?


Go on have a look..you knw you want too!!
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.


Check your answers below.




ANSWERS 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last ? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats ? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut ? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name ? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ? Orange

What do you mean, you failed?!!

Me, too...!!!


----------



## Gorman

*Not so much a Joke....But how true!!*

FROM MY WEE AUNTIE IN SCOTLAND.

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !

"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos...
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because........
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating .

We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.

Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla' and 'Tiger'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore


----------



## bazajacq

they really were the good old days ,


----------



## litcher

And they produced the people responsible for today's society. :wink: 

Viv


----------



## Gorman

There's a thought!!


----------



## Gorman

A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

-----o0o-----

There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses?"

The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"

So the woman asked, "Is this a record?"

To which the man replied, "No, its average!"


----------



## Gorman

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" 

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" 

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

-----o0o-----

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."


----------



## Gorman

*An overheard conversation at a local pizza store, keeping in mind there are about a dozen people waiting in-line behind this guy and it's noon on a Friday before a holiday long weekend…*

Server at counter: "What will you have?"

Customer: "Yes, let me see here now… I will have a… Oh! I think I'll have a slice of pizza! Yes, I think that would satisfy me right about now… Ummm, alright… I want it to be a vegetarian. Now it will need to be multigrain dough, slightly toasted so it's crispy but not too crunchy. Just so we're clear - it has to be gluten free and no dairy products, I'm a vegetarian and very specific about what my body consumes. Uhhh, I almost forgot, I want you to hold the mushrooms - I'm not a big fan of mushrooms. The sauce, uh, make sure there isn't too much sauce on it, otherwise I won't like it. And make sure you bake me a fresh slice, I don't want any of the ones on that rack. Oh, and your cardboard pizza slice trays… do they contain at least 50% post-consumer recycled paper fibers? If they don't, we're going to have to cancel the order, I'm sure you understand."

Server at counter: "Bleep Off."


----------



## Gorman

*HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT*
She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

*HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT*

He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME; he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He is not QUIET; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not STUPID; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
He does not HOG THE BLANKETS; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS


----------



## Gorman

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.

-----o0o-----

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said "My husband wants me to ask you…" The doctor interrupts "I know… I know…" placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it…" the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

-----o0o-----

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" she snarled. "There is…" he replied. *"Breakfast."*


----------



## Gorman

A couple of Amish women were picking potatoes in a field one autumn day. The first woman had two potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, "These potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles." The other woman said "Are his testicles that big???" The first woman replied, " No, they're that filthy."

-----o0o-----

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He's rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my mates watching, while your partner whipped my arsh with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

-----o00------

A blind man was walking down the street with his guide dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pee-ing on the man's leg. As the dog finished, the man reached into his coat pocket, pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw what was happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a disgusting deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him… I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his bleeping arsh."

-----o0o-----

"That wife of mine is a liar." said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"


----------



## Gorman

A young lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?” The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.” The son thanks his mom, and later in the day meets up with his father and asks his opinion, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?” The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”
-----o0o-----
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight,” the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know how these are used?” The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They are for my brother, he’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can’t do either one.”
-----o0o-----
A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I’m so ashamed, Doctor.” she said, “I guess I let myself go.” The physician checked her eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.” “Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”


----------



## Gorman

Tom says to his doctor, “Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamt I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row.” The psychiatrist says, “Now hold on, Tom. That doesn’t sound so terrible.” Tom says, “Oh yeah? I was the third girl from the end.”

-----o0o-----

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out “Watch that bleeping wall”

-----o0o-----

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers. The Bartender says, “Why do you have a steering wheel in your trousers?” The man replies ” I don’t know but its driving me nuts”.


----------



## Gorman

Wife gets naked and asks her husband, “What turns you on more… my pretty face or my sexy body?” Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, “Your sense of humour.”

-----o0o-----

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”


----------



## Gorman

*Points to Ponder.*

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33

Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts-Charlemagne, and
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.


----------



## Gorman

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

-----o0o-----

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

-----o0o-----


----------



## Gorman

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. 
The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." 
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"

-----o0o-----

French foreplay: Dinner, wine, sex!
Italian foreplay: Dinner, wine, caressing, sex!
Latino foreplay: Dinner, wine, dancing, caressing, sex!
Scottish foreplay: "Are ye awake?"

-----o0o-----

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out. 
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination." I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"


----------



## Gorman

*Not checked for Swearing - You have been warned!!!!*

Subject: Natal curry contest

If you can get through this without laughing, you're probably dead.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the First two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For Those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major Portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an Inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I Happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions To the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other Two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy And, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could Remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the Flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indians are crazy.

CURRY # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CURRY # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CURRY # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those charos!

CURRY # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

CURRY # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CURRY # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report


----------



## Gorman

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol
Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home
from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so
eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked
grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.* * For example, she will
say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or
even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you
know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try
not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne.
I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many
men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows
better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys,
even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging
wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
*
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and
a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged
with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty,
accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat
down on his golf club.*


----------



## Gorman

*Five Important Qualities in a Lady *

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.


----------



## pippin

Good one Bill - also good to have you back on stream.


----------



## Gorman

Thanks Pippin,

For a wee while the standard of jokes were becoming down-right blue to absolutely dish-gusting. 

Got a few more from where the above came fome, might try for a hundred pages then retire.


----------



## Gorman

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
*"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS." *


----------



## Gorman

From a very guid freen!! This is best read whilst actualy saying it:

*THE HORTH WHITHPERER*

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her ****?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's jack & danny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'


----------



## Gorman

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." 
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." 
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" 
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." 
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." 
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." 
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." 
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" 
The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

-----o0o-----

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. 
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." 
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."


----------



## Gorman

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the 
batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they 
know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four 
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when 
you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the 
bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses/beds are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with 
hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times 
with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, 
examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more 
chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your 
first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle 
with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 
'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 
'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's 
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else 
over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in 
summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......


The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is 
suffering from some sort of mental illness. 
Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.


----------



## Gorman

A lttle boy asks his dad "where does poo come from dad?"

His day explains "well son, food passes down the Osophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".

"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".


----------



## Gorman

*The Value of Drink*

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink 
I feel shame.. Then I look into the glass and think 
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes 
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out 
of work and their dreams would be shattered. 
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their 
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' 
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell 
happened to your bra and panties.

~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they 
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're 
going to feel all day. ' 
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' 
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.Coincidence? I think not..' 
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, 
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. 
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all 
get drunk and go to heaven!' 
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' 
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
'Without question, the greatest invention in the 
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the 
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does 
not go nearly as well with pizza.' 
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and ov er again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! 
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin , of Cheers. 
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm. 
Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowes t brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.....


----------



## Gorman

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,



The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. 

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.. 

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. 

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed. 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. 

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. 

I found that lots of people love Jesus! 

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' 

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' 

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! 

Everyone started honking! 

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. 

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! 

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.. 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. 

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. 

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. 

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. 

My grandson burst out laughing. 

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. 

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. 

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. 

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. 

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!! 

Will write again soon, 
Love, Grandma


----------



## Gorman

*SENIOR CITIZEN SEX LIFE*

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and 
everything seems fine.

The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The 
wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around.

In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three
girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said.

"I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all
a phony name."


----------



## Gorman

Teacher:

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?'

Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king, 

smo-king, 

and bon-king


----------



## sallytrafic

Gorman said:


> clipped Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?


Do you really want to know Bill  .... and if the answer is yes, do you want it with equations or without?


----------



## pasks

*Statistics*

Just realised that it takes over 6 hours to read this thread.


----------



## Gorman

F.A.O. Pasks
As long as you had a wee titter, all is well!


----------



## Gorman

*A couple for the Ladies*

Women's humor:

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of North Carolina."

And they say blondes are dumb... 
_____________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..." 
_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. 
_______________________

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded. 
______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. 
_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror 
______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor 
_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy! 
__________________

AND THE BEST ONE YET...

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

* She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. 
* Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. 
* Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. 
* Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. 
* And her husband is on the back of the milk carton


----------



## Gorman

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his bits. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." 
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first." 

-----o0o-----

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. 
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient. 
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” 
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” 
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”


----------



## Gorman

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. in front of him he sees a big jar full of change and a little card that reads: Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh. COST £5 So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pee-ed on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves. 

The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and see's the horse and the jar, this time it says: You can win all of this if you make the horse cry. COST £10. So he puts in 10 pounds and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like nobody ever had. So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks "How did you do that?" The guy says "The first time I told him my (ahem!!) appendage was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!"

-----oOo-----


----------



## Gorman

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes.""I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie."Marge", whispered Mildred."What", said Marge."I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred."What makes you think that", asked Marge."He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred."Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all.""I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn."

-----oOo-----


----------



## Gorman

*Anyone for Cricket??*

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ? 
A vacant lot.

Why do Australians call their favourite drink XXXX? 
Because they can't spell beer.

Why can't Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket? 
They eat all the grass.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? 
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport? 
They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: "I didn't know it was still necessary."

What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix? 
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.


----------



## sallytrafic

What do you call an Aussie with 100 runs?


A bowler


----------



## Gorman

*NEW OFFICE POLICY*

NOTE: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work .

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin boa rd under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

P.S. Pass this on to all who are still employed!


----------



## KeithChesterfield

What do you call an Aussie who can handle a bat?
A Vet.

Why are Australian Cricketers like bad musicians?
A good score is beyond them.


----------



## Gorman

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to minister... a married man, experienced for the answer. 

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge: a Rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!" The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."


----------



## MalanCris

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! 
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.


----------



## Gorman

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. 
That's when he realised he had made it home safely. 

"Excellent"



Why do you think my missus is "Ugly" then????

Only joking, some of them are really guid!! In fact there all good.


----------



## Gorman

*Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women*

...and what they actually mean.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)


----------



## Gorman

*THIS JUST IN FROM A PAL!!!*

The scent of freshness:-

A new supermarket opened in Double Bay , Sydney

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped John Smith's beer.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cakes.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.


----------



## Gorman

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT) 

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE) 

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center ) 

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."


----------



## erneboy

Scientists have discovered a substance that put women off sex permanently.


It's called wedding cake.


----------



## Gorman

Oo-er you'll start a fight erneboy!!

Here's one for the road;

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settled down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet." 

The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours. 

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor. Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy Bee-atch."


----------



## Gorman

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman...

'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves...

NEVER TO RETURN!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?'

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

'Mixin-me-toasties.'


----------



## Gorman

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. 
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. 

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. 

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. 
Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"


----------



## teal

My wife in the other room watching soaps is getting annoyed at my laughter, keep them coming Bill.


----------



## Gorman

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.


----------



## Gorman

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best. The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had hardly a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. No animal in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any animal using his unique arsenal. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion, and stinker!

-----oOo-----

A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, 
"Gee, you're fat!" 
The fat man said, "Yeah."
The second man asked, "How long's it been since you've seen your doo-dah?"
The fat man answered, "Long time."
The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?"
The fat man asks, "Why? What color is it now?"


----------



## Gorman

*Strange but True (Supposedly)*

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and pulled the trigger again. This time it worked.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.


----------



## Gorman

*Implements of Math Destruction*At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

-----o0o-----

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian? demanded the Irishman indignantly."
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" then, warming to his theme, he went on:
"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would ya? Would Ya?" The assistant said: "Well no".
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I
was French? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I
asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: Because you're in bleeping Home-base!


----------



## Gorman

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy Class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. 

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in he butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The Second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid

-----o0o-----

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T.," (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.


----------



## sallytrafic

Today's first one Bill has got to be the oldest on MHF - It was the first joke I can remember my day telling me.


----------



## Gorman

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

-----o0o-----

An Englishman is touring the wild west and meets up with a native Indian.

"I am Chief Sitting Bull, and this is my wife, Five Horses."

"Five Horses." said the Englishman, "That's an unusual name, what does it mean?
...
"The Indian replies. " Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag."


----------



## Gorman

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500," After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2:00p.m.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?

Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500,"

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

-----o0o-----

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?" I asked.

"Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shee-ite if you live to be 100?


----------



## Gorman

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shee-ite on someone's windshield.

-----o0o-----

Paddy O'Reilly is driving home after a few pints of Guinness down at the local pub. He turns a corner and, much to his dismay, he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and, almost too late, realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers to his horror that his drive home has turned into a veritable slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees in his path. Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. Officer O'Malley approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy starts to tell his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him in mid-sentence and says, "Fer Chrissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"


----------



## chrisjrv

Hi,
Every now and again I look at the last few posts on here and they always cheer me up, 
Thanks mate,
Regards,
Chris


----------



## Gorman

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"

So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.

"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"

"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.

"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"

"50 pence."


-----o0o-----

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"


----------



## Gorman

Unfairness At Work
When I take a long time... I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time... he is thorough.

When I don't do it... I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it... he is too busy.

When I do something without being told... I am over-stepping my boundaries.
When my boss does the same thing... that is initiative.

When I take a stand... I am stubborn.
When my boss does it... he is being firm.

When I overlook a rule of etiquette... I am rude.
When my boss slips a few rules... he is being original.

When I please my boss... I am apple polishing.
When my boss pleases his boss... he is co-operating.

When I get ahead... I am lucky.
When my boss gets ahead... that's hard work.

-----o0o-----


After a long night of making love, the guy rolled over and was looking around, when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, he began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she said.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied...

"That's me before the surgery."


----------



## Gorman

Did you hear about the blind prostitute? Well, you got to hand it to her.

-----o0o-----

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. 

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." 

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." 

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." 

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

-----o0o-----

I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five pounds worth of gas.

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

-----o0o-----

They say a vasectomy doesn't affect your masculinity. So how come they give you Playboy on the way in and Good Housekeeping on the way out?


----------



## Gorman

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. 
When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?' 
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. 
She replied that there were six. 
The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.' 
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. 
The judge said, 'What is it?' 
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'

*Why Do Men Chase Women *

Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

This is a cute story. Today, legendary singer Neil Diamond revealed that the hit song "Sweet Caroline" was named for Caroline Kennedy.

In a not-so-cute story, the English band The Prodigy revealed that their song "Smack My Bee-atch Up" was inspired by Hillary Clinton.

*Marriage Joke: Divorce Court *

Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.

The judge asked, 'Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?'

Phil replies, 'Yes Judge, that is correct.'

'And how do you explain this unusual conduct?' the judge inquires.

Phil replies, 'I didn't want to interrupt her Your Honor.'

*Little Johnny: *
wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. 
He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"


----------



## Gorman

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. 
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. 
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?' His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The bleeping funeral director would be my first guess."

-----o0o-----

*Son's Letter from his Boarding School *
Dear Dad, 
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. 
$o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. 
Love,
-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --*Dad's Reply*
Dear Peter, 
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. 
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. 
Love,
Dad.


----------



## Gorman

This guy goes to a house of ill repute and gets a lady of leisure for £10.

The next day he's itching like crazy. He goes back to the lady of leisure to complain, saying, "You gave me crabs!"

She says, "What do you expect for £10, lobsters?"

-----o0o-----

A man walked into a government office and spoke to the receptionist.

"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an MP."

The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form."

He filled in the form until he came to the question, 'Are you circumcised?'

So he asked the receptionist, "Is that question necessary?"

She replied, "If you're circumcised you're not eligible."

He asked, "What difference would it make if I was circumcised?"

She replied, "To become an MP, you have to be a complete p**ck !"

-----o0o-----

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old, "I think it's about time we started cussing. "

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs to breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Awe, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eye out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with ever step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he babbles, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."


----------



## Gorman

*When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it...*
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. 
I found the number and dialed it. 
A man answered, saying 'Hello.' 
I politely said, 
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' 
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 
'Get the right bleeping number!' 
And the phone was slammed down on me. 
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. 
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, 
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. 
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. 
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an ash-ole!' And hung up. 
I wrote his number down with the word ' ash-ole ' next to it, 
And put it in my desk drawer. 
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an ash-ole!' 
It always cheered me up. 
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ' ash-ole ' calling would have to stop. 
So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. 
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' 
He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone. 
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an ash-ole!' And hung up. 
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. 
A couple of days later, right after calling the first ash-ole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ash-ole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' 
He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.' 
I asked, 'What's your name?' 
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' 
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' 
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' 
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' 
He said, 'Yes?' 
I said, 'Don, you're an a ash-ole!' 
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. 
Now, when I had a problem, I had two ash-oles to call. 
Then I came up with an idea... 
I called ash-ole #1. 
He said, 'Hello' 
I said, 'You're an ash-ole!' 
(But I didn't hang up.) 
He asked, 'Are you still there?' 
I said, 'Yeah!' 
He screamed, 'Stop calling me' 
I said, 'Make me.' 
He asked, 'Who are you?' 
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' 
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' 
I said, ' ash-ole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' 
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. 
And you had better start saying your prayers.' 
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******,' and hung up. 
Then I called ash-ole #2. 
He said, 'Hello?' 
I said, 'Hello, ash-ole ' 
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' 
I said, 'You'll what?' 
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass' 
I answered, 'Well, ash-ole, here's your chance. 
I'm coming over right now.' 
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. 
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . 
I got there just in time to watch two ash-oles beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. 
NOW I feel much better.

*Anger management really does work.*


----------



## Gorman

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

-----o0o-----
*
New Farmer*
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbor dropped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by and the neighbor stopped by again. The new farmer said, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What went wrong?" The new farmer said, "Well, I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or too close together."


----------



## Gorman

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. "Now what should I do?" His mother has an idea. "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. " I was humiliated," he groaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." " What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. " We hadn't started eating yet."

-----o0o-----

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. T hey were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery, when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store, and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde - wearing a string bikini this time- came walking toward them. Again she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute, young lady."Yes," she replied."We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know that we are priests?""Father, she said, "it's me, Sister Helen..."


----------



## Gorman

*TRUE!!!!*

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over t o the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

-----o0o-----

*Blonde Men do exist!!!!*

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, the Sheriff asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt . . . so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... And... here I am!"

-----o0o-----

*You've chosen a cheap airline when...*

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.


----------



## Gorman

A very well-dressed gentleman aged ninety two was strolling one evening and came upon a new building that he had never seen before, so he decides to explore. Upon entering, he discovers a dance floor surrounded by tables and couples drinking. He also spots a very attractive woman aged about eighty four sitting alone so he makes his way across and sits with her. He orders a drink, takes a sip, and turns to the woman's and casually says: "Do I come here often?"

-----o0o-----

*Three husbands talking about their wives*

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

-----o0o-----

*College Sex*

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined £20 the first time."

He continued:

"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of £180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired...

"How much for a season pass?"


----------



## sallytrafic

Gorman said:


> *TRUE!!!!*
> 
> Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
> Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
> One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over t o the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
> The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
> A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.


Sadly *NOT* TRUE!!!!

http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/biscuit.asp


----------



## Gorman

*At what time does the bar open?*

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks. "Same time as before... Noon." Replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but sir, in the state you're in, you won't be allowed in." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

Satan

The service was about to start. Everyone was in their pews chatting about their families, jobs, etc. when suddenly Satan appeared in the front of the church.

Panic ensued. In their rush to get out the back doors, people jumped over pews, trampled one another, and flew through the doors at record speeds. When the dust settled the only ones in the auditorium are Satan and one older gentleman, who did not seem at all concerned that Satan was standing directly in front of him.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

To which the older gentleman replied, "Yup. Sure do."

Satan: "Aren't you afraid of me?"

Older gentleman: "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan was quite perturbed at this so he got right in the man's face and asked, "And would you mind telling me why not?" The older gentleman replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

*Two little kids in a hospital*

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over as asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.


----------



## Gorman

Cowboy Boots
An elderly couple is vacationing in the West.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat."

-----o0o------

Men are stupid, more
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

------o0o------

Men are stupid, continues......................

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.

Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.


----------



## Gorman

*Marriage is...*

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

-----o0o-----

*Sharing Everything*

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they're just fine - they're just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... *"THE TEETH."*

-----o-o-----

*Little Johnny's Mom stats*

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"


----------



## Gorman

There is a new study about women and 
How they feel about their asses; 
The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat... 
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The remaining 60% say they don't care, 
They love him, he's a good man and they 
Wouldn't trade him for the world!

*-----o0o-----*

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" !

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce replies instantly, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little shee-ite is adorable anymore.


----------



## Gorman

HOW IS NORMAL?

This is hilarious !!

A sweet grandmother
Telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, 
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, 
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
News."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me she-it."


-----oOo-----

An aged, but well meaning, relative bought me a couple of old films on VHS for Christmas. The tapes were "Free Willy" and "My Left Foot". Having little else better to do, I spliced them together to make a new film which I have titled "My Free Foot Willy".

-----oOo-----



Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new
Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a
Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly
divided in two!

"What a skillful feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what
you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny
box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* *Swish! * The
fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"Ah-h-h, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that,
Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly,
drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily
that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched
sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly
isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now,
circumcision .....THAT takes skill!"


----------



## Gorman

*PERSONNEL ADDS TRANSLATED*

*WOMEN'S ADS *

40-ish (49)
Adventurer (Slept with of your friends)
Athletic (No breasts)
Average looking (Has a face like a basset hound)
Beautiful (Pathological liar)
Contagious Smile (Does a lot of Ecstasy)
Educated (Had sex with her Political Science professor)
Emotionally Secure (Medicated)
Feminist (Fat ball buster)
Free spirit (Junkie)
Friendship first (Trying to live down reputation as a slut)
Fun (Annoying)
Gentle (Comatose)
Good Listener (Borderline Autistic)
New-Age (All body hair, all the time)
Old-fashioned (Lights out, missionary position only, no oral sex)
Open-minded (Desperate)
Outgoing (Loud and Embarrassing)
Passionate (Sloppy drunk)
Poet (Depressive Schizophrenic)
Professional (Certified Bitch)
Redhead (Bad dye-job)
Reubenesque (Grossly Fat)
Romantic (Looks better by candle)
Social (Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray)
Voluptuous (Very Fat)
Weight proportion w/ height (Hugely fat -- as tall as she is wide)
Wants Soul mate (Stalker)
Widow (Drove first husband to shoot himself)
Young at heart (Old bat)

*MEN'S ADS*

40-ish (52 and looking for 25-yr-old)
Athletic (Watches a lot of Football on the TV)
Average looking (Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back)
Educated (Will patronize you to death)
Free Spirit (Having sex with your sister)
Friendship first (As long as friendship involves sex)
Fun (Good with a TV remote and a six pack)
Good looking (Arrogant)
Very good looking (Dumb as a box of rocks)
Honest (Pathological Liar)
Huggable (Overweight, more body hair than a bear)
Likes to cuddle (Insecure mama's boy)
Mature (Older than your father)
Open-minded (Wants to sleep with your roommate)
Physically fit (Does a lot of 12-ounce curls)
Poet (Once wrote ex-girlfriend's name on a bathroom stall)
Sensitive (Cries at chick flicks)
Very sensitive (Gay)
Spiritual (Had sex in a cemetery once)
Stable (Arrested for stalking, but not convicted)
Thoughtful (Says "excuse me" when he farts)


----------



## Gorman

*SPELL CHECK*

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no 
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Sauce unknown.

-----o0o-----

*Wonder Why?*

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 
Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? 
Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds? 
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 
Why is bra singular and panties plural? 
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 
How come abbreviated is such a long word? 
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there is 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure!

-----o0o-----

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

Is there another word for synonym?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears.

Sometimes, when you are happy, no one sees your smile.

*But fart just one time.... *


----------



## Gorman

A bride on her wedding night says to her new husband "I have a confession, I used to be a hooker" 
"Actually, I find that a bit erotic - tell me more" he says.
"Well" she replied "my name was Nigel and I played for Wigan"

*One for the girls: *

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arsh-ole?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

-----o0o-----

*THE SENILITY PRAYER* :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laugh


----------



## Gorman

Paddy and Murphy were talking one afternoon when Paddy tells Murphy,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii ... I went to Hawaii and Molly got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Molly got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly didn't get pregnant again."

Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

-----o0o-----

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says. 

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the Preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" 

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." 

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy and the whole congregation joins in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend. It ain't 'til next Wednesday."


----------



## pippin

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street; one from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool .. 

They go with a government official to examine the wall. 

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.' 

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.' 

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700." 

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?' 

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.' 

'Done!' replies the government official. 

And that friends, ...... Is how it all works.


----------



## Gorman

*AGONY AUNT.*

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a
man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence
on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure
the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss
money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get
out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through
mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he
is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember, these people can vote!!


----------



## Gorman

*The Titter Returns*

If you had purchased £1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 worth of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 worth of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

And……………………….

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?


----------



## Gorman

*Facts about Working in the Oil Field industry:*

1. We work in weird shifts ... Like prostitutes.

2. They pay you to make the client happy ... Like prostitutes.

3. The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps
almost every penny ... Like prostitutes.

4. You are rewarded for fulfilling the client's dreams ... Like
prostitutes.

5. Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with
people in the same profession as you ... Like prostitutes.

6. When you have to meet the client you always have to be
perfectly groomed ... Like prostitutes.

7. But when you go back home it seems like you are coming back
from hell ... Like prostitutes.

8. The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible
things from you ... Like prostitutes.

9. When people ask you about your job, you have difficulties to
explain it ... Like prostitutes.

10. Every day when you wake up, you say: I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND
THE REST OF MY LIFE DOING THIS S**T" ... Like prostitutes.

The only difference is the prostitutes can take Christmas and
New Year's Eve off and they actually DO make a lot of Money!!!

If you know someone in the Oil industry please share this email
with them so they don't feel bad anymore ... Like prostitutes!!!


----------



## Gorman

Betty and Bill have a dog named Frodo that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, Betty goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells Betty to tie a ribbon around the dog's jewels and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says. 

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. She tosses and turns unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, Betty goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's jewels.

Sure enough the dog stops snoring. Betty is amazed!

Later that night, Bill returns home pi$$ed from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.

Betty thinks maybe a ribbon will work on him, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s jewels.

Amazingly, it also works on him! Betty sleeps soundly. 

A few hours later Bill awakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his jewels.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon tied to Frodo’s as well.

He shakes his head and looks at Frodo and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got First and Second place!"



THE RIOTERS PRAYER

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the telly's, the Burberry & the Bacardi, forever and ever...Innit !!!!


----------



## Gorman

*THEY WALK AMONST US*

*IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 1*
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' 
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back..' 
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. 
I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.' 
The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..

*IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 2 *
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. 
I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. 
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' 
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..' 
Jock,

*IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 3 *
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign on our road. 
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

*IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 4 *
My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' 
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

* 
IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 5 *
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, and 'has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' 
Happened at Luton Airport

*IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 6 *
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when it's on red and safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. 
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. 
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. 
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

* 
IDIOT SIGHTING NO. 7 *
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey, ' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!' 
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

*STAY ALERT AND BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID AS THEY WALK AMONGST US!*


----------



## Gorman

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. 
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get bleep-off? I'm trying to have a pooooh!"


----------



## Gorman

*Not so much a funny rather a sad poem from my wee Auntie.*

Britain is changing it's name. It is going to be known as
Daftland.

Daftland

We live in a country called Daftland
The Britain we knew is no more
Where sensible people do ludicrous things
Or risk breaking some Daftland law.
In Daftland we've police dogs with muzzles
Less the villain has cause to complain
And to steal from a shop and say 'sorry'
Means you're free with no stain to your name.

You had better leave lights on in buildings
When you lock up and go home at night
'cause the burglars might hurt themselves entering
And there's no way you'll be in the right.
When speaking be wary in Daftland
As some terms that you've used all your life
Now have connotations unintended
And you'll end up in all sorts of strife.

We elect politicians in Daftland
To give us the laws of the land
Yet eight laws in ten now come from abroad
The whole thing has got out of hand.
The borders are open in Daftland
And of migrants there's no keeping track
Just a few of the thousands illegally here
Will ever be caught and sent back.

The exception to this is the hero
Who fought for this land in the war
He's old and he's sick, he might cost us a bit
So he's not welcome here any more.
When the history is written of Daftland
Historians may just recall
That the craziest people in Daftland
Were the public who put up with it all.


----------



## Gorman

I see the baby's nose is running again," said a worried father. 
"For goodness sake!" snapped his wife. "Can't you think of anything other than horse racing?"

-----oOo-----

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!"

"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"


----------



## Gorman

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air.

She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move."

"Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes. "Every night it's the same thing."

“Well you don't!" she moaned. "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black."

"It is," I said.

"No, it isn't," she said.

"You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed. "You can stick the bleeping chessboard up your Jacksie." 

-----o0o-----

Three old ladies .........were sitting in their retirement home reminiscing. 

The first lady recalled shopping at the grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.........


----------



## Gorman

Generation Y ...............................

People born before 1946 were called 
The Silent generation.... 

People born between 1946 and 1959 are called 
The Baby Boomers. 

People born between 1960 and 1979 are called 
Generation X

People born between 1980 and 2010 are called 
Generation Y

Why do we call the last group Generation Y? 

Y should I get a job? 
Y should I leave home and find my own place? 
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours? 
Y should I clean my room? 
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes? 
Y should I buy any food? 

-----o0o-----

Teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, Bleep Me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.


----------



## Gorman

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. 
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.. 

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars. 

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 

'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water. 

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arshes downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.... 

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE BLEEPING PORRIDGE YET! 


-----o0o-----

Walked past the fridge before and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song. But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin.. I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said " I’m staying a chive, stayinin a chive, ah, ah, ah ah staying a chive, ah ah ah ah stayin a chiiiiivv.e


----------



## Gorman

Did you know?

â€Ž"Did you know....A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I’m still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can’t believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread these crazy facts. (And God love that pig)


----------



## Gorman

Grandad is sitting in the garden, rambling on with his grandson, as Grandads do. The young ’un says, "Grandad, see that worm all limp and wriggly> I bet you five pounds I can stick it back down it’s hole" 
"Nah,” says Grandad. "You’ll never do that." 
The little lad runs indoors and comes back with a can of hair lacquer. He sprays it liberally on the worm, and once the creature is stiff, he pushes it firmly down into its hole. 
Grandad pays up, and looking thoughtful, takes the lacquer back into the house. 
He returns half an hour later, and gives the boy five pounds. 
"No Grandad" cries the boy. "That’s OK. You already paid me" 

"I know son," says the old man. "That’s off your grandma."


-----o0o-----


One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter 
asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and 
after a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very 
slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. 

"How did you spend your life on earth my son?" asked Jesus. 

"I was a simple carpenter for sixty years" replied the old man. 

"And what do you hope to find here in heaven" asked Jesus. 

"I hope to find my son" said the man 

"Well" replied Jesus," there are millions upon millions of people here, how will 
you find him?" 

"I’ll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," 
stated the old man. 

Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment and says, 

"Father???" 


The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"


----------



## Gorman

*CLEVER KIDS*

Teacher: Name two states in the United States.
Mary: Pick me! Pick me!
Teacher: Mary?
Mary: I'll name one Taylor and the other one Charley!

Teacher: Joe, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Joe: Because you told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher: Suzi, go to the map and find North America.
Suzi: Here it is.
Teacher: That's correct. Now, Bobby, who discovered North America?
Bobby: Suzi

Teacher: Jesse, why do you always get so dirty.
Jesse: Well, you see, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Teacher: Glen, what is the chemical formula for water?
Glen: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: Where did you get that?
Glen: Yesterday you told us it was H to O.

Teacher: Barry, your essay about your dog is exactly the same as your brothers. Did you copy his?
Barry: Ma'am. It's the same dog.

Teacher: Donald, how do you spell crocodile?
Donald: K R O K O D I A L
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.

Teacher: Name one important thing that we have today which we didn't have ten years ago.
Wendy: Me!

Teacher: George Washington chopped down the cherry tree, but then admitted it. Does anyone know why his father didn't punish him?
Brian: Because he still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Danny, do you say a prayer before eating?
Danny: No, ma'am. I don't have to. My mother is a good cook.

Teacher: Jake, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Jake: A teacher.


----------



## Gorman

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time . . .

I knew a man who was suicidal. 
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin . . . 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. . .
I thought to myself, these b*g**rs have lost the plot!!

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I gave her a big push and she fell over.


----------



## Gorman

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said . . .
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning.." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."


----------



## Gorman

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
So I bought her some scales.

Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. .. .
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C," he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


----------



## Gorman

A Scottish pedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii Gameboy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.. 
The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. 
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. 
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. 
I thought to myself that guys heading for a breakdown.


----------



## Gorman

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said English speaking Doctor
I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. 
To be fair the audience did try to warn him 
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful sods. All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake, some of us has got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


----------



## Gorman

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've called him Birmingham. 

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry ok?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here'. Show Biz sources think she'll do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.


----------



## Gorman

*Life Before Computers*

Memory was something you lost with age.

An Application was for employment.

A Programme was a TV show.

A Cursor was someone who uses profanity.

A Keyboard was a piano.

A Web was a spiders home.

A Virus was the flu.

A Hard Drive was a long trip on the road.

A Mouse was something the cat chased.

And if your man has a 3 inch Floppy....my sympathies


----------



## Gorman

*How children perceive their grandparents:*

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
*"Who was THAT?"*

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 
"What's it about?" he asked. 
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?" 
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.


----------



## Gorman

Nancy and Betty, and Jim and Tom were in the old people's home. 
Nancy and Betty thought Jim and Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim and Tom's room. 
Later that night they did just that. Jim looked at Tom and said, "Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy & Betty wearing?" 
"I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing."

-----o0o-----

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. 
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." 
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. 
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"


----------



## Gorman

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida,
finds the red light district and enters a large house of ill-repute. The madam asks
him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and
walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with
him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola
has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So
the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little,
giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her
ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can
and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in
all her years of operating a house of ill-repute. She hasn't done the bedroom work
herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a
man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants
that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her
employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is
available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and
then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear,* "Can I pay in Euros"?*


----------



## Gorman

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

*"That'll be me then," *said Paddy.

-----o0o-----

Prostate check-up...
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ....


----------



## Gorman

*OUTDOORSMAN*

When my Doctor asked me if I led an active life, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a deep lake;

Barely escaped from a wild feral 'Razor-Back' Pig in the thick bush;

Marched along a treacherous track up and down a hill with false crests;

Stood in a patch of itchy poison bush;

Crawled out of a pit of quicksand;

And then barely escaped jumping away from an aggressive Tiger Snake."

Inspired by my story, the Doctor said:

"You must be an awesome outdoorsman, Alan!?"

"No," I replied:

"I'm just a she-ite golfer.


----------



## Gorman

*CONFUCIUS SAY*

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be P'd off than P'd on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. .. . "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
[/b]


----------



## Gorman

*A WEE MIX*

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Bleep me, talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Bleep that" says Mick" have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest appendage she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screw fix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn?", "I'm a taxidermist" What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals." "It's alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for an appendage enlarger. Just opened it and some bar-steward's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


----------



## Gorman

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction. 

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists? 

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair. 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not bleeping listening. 

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake. 

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking? I replied it's me talking to the beer. 

The wife has been missing a week now.. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was


----------



## Gorman

*Slightly Naughty, but not a lot!!!*

http://comedians.jokes.com/jim-lauletta/videos/jim-lauletta---rectal-exam

Good for a laff!!


----------



## Gorman

*2011 Edinburgh Fringe*

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

"Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

"People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

"Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

"My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

"I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

"Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

"I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

"My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."


----------



## Gorman

*Hair Cut*

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

*BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!*


----------



## Gorman

*QUIZ*

*Quiz for Bright People - and No Googlin allowed*.

There are only nine questions. This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed,cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

Answers on a Post Card please!


----------



## Gorman

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now.


----------



## sallytrafic

*Re: QUIZ*



Gorman said:


> *Quiz for Bright People - and No Googlin allowed*.
> 
> There are only nine questions. This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.
> 
> 1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
> 
> 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
> 
> 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
> 
> 4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
> 
> 5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
> 
> 6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
> 
> 7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
> 
> 8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed,cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
> 
> 9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
> 
> Answers on a Post Card please!


Just seen this Bill I don't know No1 and 8 and only 5 answers for No 9. I have two answers for number 4 how am I doing?


----------



## aldra

Frank, I think I know 8, no 1, and 9

Unsure of 2

Aldra


----------



## pippin

Life is too short.


----------



## aldra

For what????? pippen

every thing we do is life, each to his/her own

aldra


----------



## Gorman

*F.A.O. Frank*

Persevere Frank and well done .so far. Sorry for the late reply I only just noticed that you had made an entry.

Mmmm Here's a clue for #2. Two guys going at it per chance?

The pear one, think orchard

#8, What a pub landlord might say at closing and it's not "Time Gentlemen Please"

The sixth one on nine.......it's just the one you can't think of.......concentrate, it's in there!!

Will post the answers in a couple oif days.

PS: Chear up Pippin, it ain't all that bad.


----------



## sallytrafic

Ok. I've got answers for all of them. I did cheat for the vegetables I think what they have as an answer is probably wrong as one is a fruit in my view. 

I bet my first answer to the seed question is 'wrong' but I know it's right as I have seen them and it's a cashew. The nut/seed is on the outside at the bottom of the fruit.

Incidentally according to QI most things which we call berries aren't eg a raspberry isn't a berry but perversely a pomegranate is :shock:


----------



## aldra

I think it is a strawberry Frank

Aldra


----------



## Gorman

Spider, spider on the wall.
Ain't you got no sense at all?
Can't you see the walls been plastered?
Now you're stuck you silly (rhymes with plastered)


----------



## Gorman

aldra said:


> I think it is a strawberry Frank
> 
> Aldra


Well done that man.........pick a prize from the middle shelf!!


----------



## sallytrafic

Bill's going to post the answers today 

So here are some of mine

Boxing 

Niagra or any other waterfall

Horse radish asparagus

Cashew or strawberry

Empty bottle put on growing fruit

Dwell dwarf (also ed ing endings on them) I did have another one but have forgotten it 

, ! .? : ;' " 

Lettuce I guess but I am fairly sure it is sold pickled in brine in cans in China.

Shoe sock slipper sandal ski? Snowshoe? Stockings


Just remembered dwindle and dwindling etc


----------



## icer

Number 2 Statue of Liberty

Ian


----------



## Gorman

*QUIZ ANSWERS*

There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?

Boxing

What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

Niagara Falls, since it worn down by nearly 2.5 feet per year by the rushing water.

Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the two perennial vegetables?

Asparagus and rhubarb.

What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

Strawberries

In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

A bottle is placed over a pear bud on a tree. The bottle and bud are secured with a wire to hold them in place for the entire growing season. When the pear is ripe it is cut at the stem.

Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "Dw". They are all common. Name two of them.

Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

There are at least eighteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? 
Comma, period, semi-colon, colon, question mark, exclamation point, hyphen, apostrophe, single quote, double quote, one-en dash, one-em dash, open and closed parentheses, open and closed brackets, and open and closed braces.

It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

Lettuce.

Try and name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S".

Sandals, snow shoes, shoes, slippers, sneakers, skis, stockings.


----------



## aldra

I thought no 1 was the marathon, didn't get 2, and missed asparagus

Oh well back to the drawing board :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Aldra


----------



## Gorman

aldra said:


> I thought no 1 was the marathon, didn't get 2, and missed asparagus
> 
> Oh well back to the drawing board :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
> 
> Aldra


Well done Aldra!!


----------



## joedenise

Period is an American term not English. We call it a Full Stop.

Brackets and parenthes are the same thing; and what on earth are open and closed braces?

Denise

ps I think snow shoes is cheating - I'd said socks (which are very different to stockings!)


----------



## aldra

You prob/ scored full then Joedenise

I'm sure you can substitute full stop for period

Socks, stockings I still got six

Didn't get that waterfall though, nor asparagus, never grown it- or boxing 8O 8O 8O 

But I will on subsequent quizzes

Aldra


----------



## joedenise

Didn't get the asparagus either. or the stockings Joe can't even remember what they look like :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Denise


----------



## aldra

Wow what's wrong with Joe

cant remember stockings?

I blame you joedeise :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I think i can remember them

somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind :lol: :lol: 

aldra


----------



## joedenise

Hi Aldra

Denise has such short legs she had to wear braces to keep them up :lol: :lol: :lol: 

joe


----------



## aldra

To much information Joe

guess it suited you :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Aldra


----------



## sallytrafic

Rhubarb a vegetable - discuss


----------



## Gorman

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

"I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

"I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’; I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

"As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

"Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

"What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch? Names."

"Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

"For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

"Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"


----------



## Jiggles

I didn't understand the last one, about the numbered spoon! Anyone care to explain please?

John


----------



## KeithChesterfield

Apparently this is the reason -

A lot of pubs give you a wooden spoon with a number on it when you order food to indicate your order number.

When the barman / waiter calls out your number, you wave the spoon and the food gets delivered to your table.

The point to the joke is you write a number on your own spoon and steal someone else's meal.

The joke is probably a lot funnier if you are pissed as it fails to take into account:

The number you pick may not be called for a long time and/or may not actually have an order associated with it at all.

You may not like the food you end up with.

The person whose meal you steal may beat the sh*t out of you (possibly in a crude attempt to recover the stolen food).


----------



## GEMMY

I knew the answer, but you put it far better, :lol: :lol: :lol: 

tony


----------



## KeithChesterfield

"I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."

ccasion5:


----------



## bigfrank3

As I see it some pubs have a vase or bottle on the table and when you place your food order you are given a numbered wooden spoon so the waiter would know who to bring which order to.

At least thats my explanation of the punchline.

Frank

taken too long to type and so been beaten to the explanation. Not only that a better one was provided.


----------



## Gorman

*MILD WARNING ON THIS ONE PEOPLE*

Would You know a Dictator if you saw one?

Could you really tell???

Well this should help!!!

This is what a dictator looks like.


----------



## Jiggles

Thank you Keith and everyone else, I've never come across that system.

John


----------



## Gorman

"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

"I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting.'

"I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

"I went on a girl's night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill.' I went as Rose West."

"I'm sure wherever my dad is he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

"Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

"To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble".

"I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've
seen it six times and there isn't."

"I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."


----------



## aldra

_"To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!" _

Ill show that to Albert :lol: :lol: :lol:

Aldra


----------



## Gorman

*The Good Old Days!!*

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to an older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. 
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. 
But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the county of Yorkshire . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. 
But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn't expect that to be bucked by flying it thousands of air miles around the world. We actually cooked food that didn't come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. 
But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you. 
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. 
3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on. 
4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator. 
5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment. 
6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play. 
7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking. 
8 ) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. 
9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!" 
10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" 
11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?" 
12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 
13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 
14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 
15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away. 

“What is your planet like?” groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy. 

“It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women” answered the Physicist. 

“Do the you get along with the women on your planet?” the extraterrestrial asked slowly. 

Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered “Why yes. We get along quite well here.” 






















The extraterrestrial perked up “Can we send you ours?”


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*reviving an old thread*

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"


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## GEMMY

Kev_n_Liz said:


> Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"


You're not going to repeat all of Gormans 64 page thread are you :wink2:

tony


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