# Maiden Foreign Trip Part 1



## Anonymous (Nov 10, 2000)

Glad to be back which I did at 03:00 this morning. I shall need most of the day to catch up on missed posts. Where it says, see pix, there are none yet. I will edit a note above this paragraph when I get them up. Plus I will stick up my spreadsheet of expenses late on in the day. Missed you all tons and wish I had internet access in my motor home to keep in touch. Fat chance that happening.

Nothing out of the ordinary happened on our trip which overall was fantastic. What did happen I have jotted down below.

Two hours prior to departure, I had a final check of our motor home. As previously mentioned in another post, after checking the waste tank which I thought was the marine receptacle as well, which incidentally, I had rigour sly sluiced out with all manner of cleaning chemicals, I decided to unscrew a black cap I found on a black box with a shiny rod, curious as to what its purpose would be.

A few seconds later I knew, I looked like an embalmed Smurf, covered from head to foot in blue formaldehyde and tissue and sh*t; a legacy from our West Wittering trip.

In my life, I have from time to time been sh*t on by the odd person but never seven people simultaneously. This delayed our departure somewhat as I had to hose down the road knowing full well I had polluted our local water supply system and dilution appeared to be the only practical solution. The final indignity was when my wife insisted I had another shower even though I had already had one that morning. That's a woman for you.

And so we evacuated my hometown, now having the same appeal as Chernobyl after my efforts and waved good bye to our kids who were still rolling around the lawn in hysterics, unlike our neighbour and headed off on our maiden foreign voyage.

One hundred yards down our road my wife asked if I had remember to get a new gas cylinder as the tiny one we had was near empty. Half an hour later we found a supplier who helpfully informed us that although his gas would work, we would not easily be able to exchange empty bottles in UK and not at all abroad.

I was not to concerned as I knew that it would be impossible not to find a gas supplier on our journey to the tunnel.

We arrived at the tunnel, still with no gas. But I knew it would be impossible not to find a gas supplier between the tunnel and the South of France.

We had pre booked our return ticket to France the day before - cost £126 provided we travelled after 17:00 and arrived back anytime before 11:00 French time. They slapped a hazardous sticker on our windscreen and informed us that security would check to ensure our gas was off. This they did and to make this interruption worthwhile, they checked the whole of our van for explosives and possible immigrants trying desperately to flee back to their own countries after realising what the British have to put up with.

Our motor home was on empty arriving in France, a deliberate ploy to maximise the savings on French diesel costing around 0.98/0.99 euro per litre. in all filling stations except supermarkets where additional savings of 0.07 could be made. We filled up at the very first filling station and then lost our way getting out. After several up and downs and complete circuits of roundabouts we realised that to get back on the motorway we need to follow the sign to Calais. Odd, as this seems to be in the opposite direction but then the sign to Reims came up and we were finally off with only gas to sort out the next day.

To be honest I got sick and tired of waving at motor homes, mainly because most were from foreign climes and looked puzzled at this familiarity and trying to suss out British number plates was distracting my attention from matters in hand. So I gave up.

There were only the two of us on this trip, my wife and myself Pusser which is a non de plume, incognito as well and useful with pending law suits and death threats which happen from time to time.

We decided to split tasks equally and so she ended up as the navigator, cook, washer up, laundry lady, reversing aid, left wing mirror authenticator, sweeper of the floor and ash tray emptier, financier, customs negotiator, tour organiser, victualler, menu maker, fridge switch operator, roof vent winder upper and downer, fresh water hose holder, medical advisor, Health and Safety representative, highway code enforcer, speed trap, profanity censor, bed maker, blind and fly screens operator, lights operator, "bog full", announcer, empty water tank alarm, dietary advisor, disc jockey (If I hear Queen once more I swear …..), site booker inner, site analyser, meteorologist, and approx three nightly conjugal event co-ordinator.. (Surely, this is meant to be a holiday).

Of course everything else as usual was down to me and rather than bore you with a long list, suffice to say I drove the van. I was also put in charge of anything that was sh*t related. This was fair enough because she took Stormyweathers advice and always used public facilities and, as you will read later on, I wish I had taken his advice too.

Our first night was spent the other side of Reims in a Motorway Aires, the type which has a garage and restaurant. Conscious of gas attacks, we parked in a group of motor homes in a well lit and busy area. Every thing we had was checked for security and then double checked. We survived the night without any problems and I found the keys to the van hanging outside in the "Odds and Sods" locker in the morning. I thought it best not to mention this to the wife; partly not to worry her unduly and partly because I cannot handle physical pain as well as I used to.

First thing we needed was gas and so we stopped at a Chaumont Supermarket when I saw a huge lorry actually delivering gas cylinders to the Supermarket. He is the man I need to speak to I thought as I stood there filling up with diesel.

Alas, before I had finished refuelling the gas lorry started to move off, his delivery over. As luck would have it, I had parked in such an untidy manner I had blocked him in and in consequence, everyone else, so they all had to wait until the refuelling was finished. (I call this a RAS - Replenishment at Supermarket)

The French lorry driver spoke no English whatsoever and I wondered why the French educational system is so lacking in this respect bearing in mind how good they are on other things like baguette making.

"Pardon," I said to him, feeling I had done something rude and owed an apology. At this point I had exhausted my entire repertoire of French so I pointed to the pile of gas cylinders on his lorry. Within twenty minutes he had got me a tank of Butagaz with contract from the garage and gave me an adaptor. I offered to pay him for the adapter but he refused. What a nice helpful and kind Frenchman his was. "Grattizi," I said with a huge smile then realised that perhaps Spanish would not achieve the desired effect so I picked another word out of my French repertoire. " Pardon". I could tell from his glazed expression that he was in awe of my multilingual abilities and he shuffled back to his lorry wondering I suspect, whether it really was a good idea for the UK to play a major role in the Common Market.

At our first stop for a cup of tea and sticky, I disconnected our UK small gas cylinder, unscrewed the jubilee clip on the hose and then found the connector the French lorry driver had given us did not fit the gas cylinder. (See pix). The nice helpful and kind French gas delivery man, hitherto referred to as the French **** had given us the new type adaptor for the old and more common gas tank.

Late afternoon, we arrived at Le Sourgey ( http://www.camping-sougey.com ) on Lac Aiguebelette gasless. A truly magical lake. See pix. I explained our gas difficulties to the site owner who kindly telephoned a shop in Novalise, a mere 5kms away and asked them to put aside the correct adaptor. When we found the shop, the owner had no recollection of the phone call but luckily a very nice French lady stepped in as interpreter and in no time at all we were presented with a gas barbeque on wheels.

Once again I dug deep into my French vocabulary and uttered, "Pardon" whilst simultaneously dragging out the grumbling old shop keeper to the motor home to show him the gas tank and point to the UK adaptor already fixed on our UK cylinder.

He grumbled in French all the way back to his shop. Then grumbled upstairs and eventually grumbled his way back down again with the correct device.

The shopkeeper had an attitude. Whether it was because he is inundated with bizarre requests from the British on an hourly basis or he had at one time or another bought some British beef I don't know. He refused to sell us the adaptor until we had produced the gas contract and then charged us 12 euros and grumbled throughout the entire transaction. 
"Au revoir," he finally grumbled and I grumbled "Bol**cks" back as I shut the door behind me. I have always had the ability for the quick and witty retort when required. On the way back we passed the shop we should have gone to.

Within an hour we had gas. Glorious butane flowed freely from our nozzles bringing us joy and happiness, indeed wonderment for my wife, standing some several hundred yards away, camera at the ready for insurance purposes, who was convinced I would blow us up in the fitting process.

Two days were spent enjoying the lake, enjoying the motor home that was working to perfection, enjoying glorious weather, swimming in the warm lake and sun bathing under the majesty of an Alp; totally oblivious to the inconveniences to come.

A quick word about the Fiat 1.9TD engine. A plucky creature and performed well above expectations, but in my next motor home, I will be looking for 2.5TD maybe even 2.8TD. My original estimate of doing 27mpg was dashed by my spreadsheet as this reported at best -24mpg although I am convinced this is due to my other half bringing so much stuff - the lawnmower being the only thing that springs to mind that she left at home. The engine happily bowls along the motorway between 60 and 65mph and drops down to anywhere between 40 and 0mph depending on gradients.

And so, (never use and to start a sentence), us happy campers set off for the sunny south of France using the Route National so we could see a bit more of France and get more miles to the gallon which we didn't.
It was while passing the Ardeche area that our motor home nearly fell over. We were half way around an S bend when it happened. The Navigator has never been impressed with stunt driving particularly as a passenger and doing wheelies in a motor home was no exception. A steward's enquiry was convened while we changed our underwear and it was my submission that the French were to blame. My wife's submission was that it was me to blame. As everything is always my fault it came as no surprise but I fought my corner vigorously. I pointed out that there were only two signs warning of an S bend not counting the 10kph sign or the black and white chevron fence and it was quite obvious to anyone that this was woefully inadequate. . So we agreed to disagree and both felt that a sign saying, "We are not joking. This really is an S bend Pusser", would be more helpful.

Soon after this event we went back on to the motorway for the final leg to Sete or near there. At some time, I am not sure exactly where but we went into a large Aires that had facilities for motor homes to dump everything. I was really impressed. It was a large concrete pad, with all sides sloping into to a large and long drain with six ground level water sprays that engaged when you drove off out and broke a sensor beam. It was fool proof.

I joined the small queue of motor homes and then it came to my turn. I had to make a couple of attempts to get my waste pipes roughly over the drain hole. I don't know why but I have always fancied myself as a long distance lorry driver and watch them jump out of their cabs, stretch, look at their front tyres and kick them and then wander around and check their headlights. So I do this too, but when I bent down to examine my headlights my arse broke the sensor beam and six high pressure sprays burst into action. These sprays would not have looked out of place as the climax to the closing ceremony at the Olympic games.

I was soaked. I was humiliated. I had lost the will to live. But on the plus side, a lot cleaner. However, glancing up at the waiting motor homes, I may have just started their holidays off on the right foot. Some had the "They must be British," expressions whilst others nearly shook their motor homes to bits with hysterics.

I couldn't get any wetter had I jumped into the Atlantic which I would have done had it been there and then quite happily sunk to the bottom. But the Dunkirk spirit came through and I fought, nay swum my way through the sprays and groped around until I found the waste tank puller thing. I yanked it and as expected all our wastewater fell out and was whisked away in seconds by the six spray water feature. Then I pulled the shiny rod on the marine loo that had given me so much grief at home and ….nothing. I pushed it in and pulled it out - still nothing. My marine loo was full and it was determined to stay that way.

Fed up, and my wife looking straight ahead, knowing it would be a bad time to say anything, I drove off, the sensor beam ignoring me as I passed through. Obviously you only get one shot and to be honest, one shot was enough for me. A meeting was called with Top Brass and it was decided that we find a quiet place where we would not cause an ecological disaster and examine the problem.

Off the motorway and on some gorse covered mountain slope we found such a place. We had some concerns about a local vineyard close by but made a note of the name so we did not buy that vintage in the future; 2004 would not be their best year, assuming I had some success with the drain cock. Perhaps fortunately or not, I had no success and as I sit here typing, half way through our holiday, we still have a full to bursting marine loo and worse, I still have a full to bursting tummy.

That night we booked into a campsite at Valras Plage ( http://www.campinglesfoulegues.com ) advertised as on the beach. On the beach was in fact a 300 metre walk though gorse bushes with kamikaze flies attacking you every inch of the way. The plots were very jumbled and very close and my worst nightmare unfolded. They had unisex loos and showers. I'm sorry, but I cannot live with that. I cannot use public loos because my bottom seals up as soon as I sit down in them. I have a phobia. A phobia that I believe was caused by a traumatic incident whilst in potty training when I was about thirteen. What was I going to do? What could I do? I couldn't use our loo anymore as it was full; partly because I had this great idea that pouring a load of fresh water in it would help free the drain cock and partly because I had enjoyed using it liberally. Things were getting out of hand. I already looked seven months pregnant.

There was nothing for it but to buy a porta pottie at the earliest opportunity.

That opportunity came the very next day when we left this site and headed towards Estartit in Spain. We had to park some way from the Supermarket because the car park was full and we had to use an overflow car park. They had only two porta potties in stock, both with their boxes already opened. When we paid for them, I asked them to check that everything was there that should be and then suffered the indignity of carrying this thing back through the crowds to the motor home. Why does the word PORTA POTTIE need to be in such BIG letters on the box? Surely it could be put in a plain brown box without any words at all and just to ensure there is no confusion, there is a large picture of it on all six sides. I'm sure passers bye must have thought I was incontinent and carried this around all day in case of an accident.

The porta pottie arrived back at the motor home without incident although my self esteem had reached an all time low. I began to assemble it with some desperation as I was, to use a midwifery term, already 3 centimetres dilated. The check on parts made at the supermarket were flawed in as much as the swivelling empty tube thing was missing. So I had to make a return trip, my walking somewhat impaired as I had got to 4 centimetres, to get the replacement and suffer yet another humiliating return trip.

On the way back I thought at one stage I would have to assemble it in the road and use it as contractions were coming thick and fast. I think I may hold the world record for the assembly of a Porta Pottie and using it. My wife estimated 1 minute 10 seconds as she stood by, mobile phone at the ready just in case emergency services were required. Having experimented, this porta pottie is so much a better idea and, so easy to use. I like to line the bowl with toilet paper, go, and then pull the handle, finishing off with a pink flourish of nice smelling rinse. I feel like a new man now. I have visibly lost weight and it is all thanks to Thetford.

The marine loo is going when we get home but how, I have no idea but it's going. At the moment the porta pottie resides in the shower area and in a way has helped us to name our motor home. We wanted something artistic in nature as our road where we live is named after a famous artist and our first thought was Pottiesmelly but settled on Twoloos La Trek. Pottiesmelly was only under consideration because the marine loo had begun to smell but later on, it actually turned out to be a benefit.

Sometime later, we arrived at the Spanish border. If there is a queue of cars, start off by following the lorries and then change course for the caravan\caravan lane. Nobody showed any interest in us mainly because there was no one to be seen and soon after the crossing, arrived in Jonguera to stock up on tobacco and buy a couple of bottles of spirits for presents. What I immediately noticed was diesel for 0.81 euro per litre. I'll have some of that I thought. Diesel prices seem very much the same whether in supermarkets or tiny filling stations. At one point I noticed there was a choice of diesel. I am not sure what the other one is and no one I spoke to later knew either. One was creatively entitled SR and the other SC. (I think).

El Delphine ( http://www.eldelfinverde.com/eldelfinverde.php?lang=EN ) was a campsite we used last year with car and rented mobile home so we knew the site would be top quality. The pitches range from mere borders to a free for all under the trees. Beach is actually right next door. The left side of the beach is absolutely ideal for parents with kids as it gently slopes into the sea. The right hand side of beach is reserved for parents whose kids have persistently tortured them for the entire journey down and who wish to have a tranquil return trip because here, just a mere three feet into the water there is a drop to an unknown depth. Many's the time I saw a solitary water wing float past now redundant

That evening we met up with my sister in law, her son (as seen in some pix) and her elderly parents. She had flown out with Easy Jet without probs and hired a car. 
Her sons face was different since we last saw him in as much as it was almost football shaped. This was due to a multitude of bites he had received and had reacted to them.
It soon became obvious that everyone on the site was bitten and we too suffered from them that night just by walking around. This appears to be a new type of mosi if indeed it is a mosi at all. It is a tiny fly that in my view looks nothing like a mosi and seems capable of keeping a haemophiliac going for a week. If you squash one on the wall, it looks like the chain saw massacre has taken place. No known mosi repellent has any effect of these little sods although a tip I read on this site re rubbing the bites with soap does work and itching stops within ten minutes and the swelling seems to go down much quicker. I used more soap on my body in those two days than I generally use in a month. I believe we need further information on this fly. I know the campsite is looking into it because of complaints. Incidentally, and I may have posted this before, Italy and some other parts of Europe now have the Tiger mosquito to contend with, so called because of its striped body. They came over in new car tyres from the Far East. My daughter and son in law were bitten in Venice and my daughter still has the scars. My son in law was ill for two days due to a reaction.

The evening entertainment was superb. A Spanish rendition of Saturday Night Fever and with a couple of pints of San Mig, it went down very well indeed. None of these horrible little flies turned up and maybe music keeps them away.

Early in the morning it is peacefully quiet. Then at sunrise the only noises that can be heard are not made by cockerels but by smokers trying to clear the previous days tar and morning dew from their lungs. Some multitask and, whilst hacking away, lay the table for breakfast and utilise the energy required to cough to clear unwanted gases from their bellies. A true example of energy conservation.

This site has good facilities for the disabled, spotless and piping hot water in the shower block (Pic here), restaurant of good quality and reasonable prices.

Unfortunately, the weather was not good and neither was the forecast so we bid farewell to our relatives and headed back towards France in search of some sun.

As we passed through L'escala, I decided to demonstrate to the Spanish the merits of driving on the left. What a commotion? So OTT. Flashing headlights, arms and legs waving out of windows and sun roofs and one big fat man decided to get out of his ridiculously small car, if indeed it was a car, and practice semaphore. I'm sorry but it has to be said. I believe the Spanish are still smarting over the thrashing that Sir Francis Drake gave their fleet. Maybe time will heal.

This time we passed Jonguera and on the motorway went through Spanish border guards and was pulled out by French Police. We were put to one side, just by a coach load of bemused tourists. He went through all our paper work and then systematically went through our motor home from the front to the back. By now, some of his friends had joined the search for drugs. All the police curiously come from the same family. The John Darme family. A tad incestuous I thought.

I am sure we were only one step removed from having our tyres off, x-rayed and worse when the chief police man opened the door of our loo. I think it was at that point, having smelt our inoperative marine toilet that he decided he couldn't give a toss whether we had drugs onboard or not and was almost trampled to death by his mates following behind as he attempted to launch himself out of our doorway to fresh air and French soil.

It appears I have unwittingly perfected a drug smuggling machine which I am willing to swap with any Drug Barons for an A class with a porta pottie in.

As we drove off, I saw the four policemen in my mirror comforting and reassuring each other back to their offices, oblivious to streams of possible drug runners whistling pass them, two fingers raised. You don't mess with Pusser and get away with it I thought. I suspect that I had also given all British Motor homes free passage for a week through that checkpoint.

Part II http://www.motorhomefacts.com/postt2242.html


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## 89109 (May 13, 2005)

Welcome back, Pusser and glad that you enjoyed your holiday.

I've not laughed out loud so much for ages. Also looking forward to seeing the pictures.

W :lol: :lol: :lol:


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## spykal (May 9, 2005)

Hi Pusser

I nearly had a siezure reading your Holiday report, heaven help us if you ever go for an extended trip, maybe if and when you do, when you get home, you will have to post in installments to give us chance to wipe our eyes and get a breath.

Welcome back

Mike


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## colian (May 11, 2005)

Pusser,
How can a person create so much interest and comments whilst he is away, then top it with that!
Her in Doors wants to know if you've sold the film rights yet and when does Pussers Travels II come out.


Ian & Col


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## crissy (May 15, 2005)

that was the funniest thing I've read in ages. You'll have to change your avatar to a Smurf :!: 
Roll on, Pusser - The Sequel
Chris


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## 90128 (May 1, 2005)

What a Gas :wink: 

Absolutely brilliant - only problem was keeping dry eyes  so I could read the whole post.  

Pusser = :brilsmurf: :brilsmurf: :brilsmurf: :brilsmurf: :brilsmurf:


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## eurajohn (May 9, 2005)

Excellent report Pusser

Entertainment value very high, although the humour makes the serious bits difficult to take seriously

On a serious note though, I do hope others will take note of your comments regarding engine size and mpg etc when planning their motorhome purchase. Sorry you didn't persevere with the RN's as they really do give the opportunity to see a bit of the real France (even the signed dodgy corners). 

Maybe we should all refer to you as "PortaPusser" from now on.

Are you going to the Shepton Mallet show this weekend? if so I'm sure you'll find a resolution to all of your little worries either from one of the many stands or the thousands of owners that will be there (me included) that have a little more practical experience than the newcomer.

John.


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## Anonymous (Nov 10, 2000)

Thank you for all your very kind comments. Much appreciated. EuroJohn I did stay on the RN. It was just badly written meaning I did not get better fuel consumption. I am trying to post pix which i have done before and I assumed all my pics would go into my "Nested Album". I seem to be building nests faster than a sparrow on viagra. Can some one give me a clue. I have read the instructions but things don't seem to be happening. So far I have posted 3 pix of plugs but can only find one.
Any advice would be appreciated but please make it "By numbers" as I am not the sharpest knife in the draw. In fact, I don't think I am even in the bleedin' draw.

p.s. If anyone wants further and factual info about any sites whatever, you are welcome to pm me.

p.s.s. Should I only stick motorhomey pix up or views and stuff.

p.s.s.s. I can not get to the show EJ as I am only allowed out at certain times and that isn't one of them. Plus I am so behind with work, I have about two weeks hard slog to get back on course.

p.s.s.s.s.s.s.s.s. Sealady - great idea. Where do I lay my hands on a smurg, preferably a clean one.


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## 88966 (May 11, 2005)

Brilliant - definitely better than the telly!
We can only look forward to the 'Further adventures of Pusser'.
BillD


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## Motorhomersimpson (May 9, 2005)

Pusser you’re a star, I was feeling down this morning, that was until I read this post, all my woes disappeared, I think I will copy this and read it again, if feeling low.

Thanks Pusser, you made my day. :lol: :lol: :lol: 


Homer………..Rob


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## 89146 (May 15, 2005)

I had to stop reading part 1 halfway down since by then I was almost having convulsions, tears streaming down my face with mirth, thus alerting the boss to the fact that I was using their internet for "non-business" purposes 8O during working hours. Good job I am only a temp and used to being sacked frequently and at short notice  
I may have to indent for a box of tissues (borrowed and can't possibly return them now) something to strap up my ribs with and some new underwear.  

It's been too quiet recently - I'm glad you're back :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Gill


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## JohnH (May 10, 2005)

If you ever make a film of your holidays please get John Cleese to play the lead. For some reason I could hear him every sentence.
It makes my recent trip to France rather boring. Apart from thousands of height barriers around Frejus and St. Raphael and the good lady having an altercation with one of the new style mosi's which are immune to all known antibiotics nothing much happened.


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## Bazbro (May 9, 2005)

Been away for the weekend, so I've had to wait 'til now to read your report...

It was even funnier than the others said it was - I'm still laughing now.

Good to have you back, Pusser.

Barry


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## Anonymous (Nov 10, 2000)

Many thanks. I It looks like you may, and others, have not read the rest in part II. Had to do it in two parts because the site bailed out with the size of it.

Glad to be back too among friends.

Puss

p.s. I think perhaps I ought to edit part 1 to say there is a part 2


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## Bazbro (May 9, 2005)

Oh, and one small request, mate -

Please never, never, EVER spell your name with just one 'S'. :? 

Thank you for reading this.

Good night.

Barry


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## androidGB (May 26, 2005)

Very,very funny Pusser, you obviously have a talent for travel writing.

Move over Bill Bryson, your time is up 


Hope Part 2 is just as good


Andrew


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## Anonymous (Nov 10, 2000)

Thanks Android - part 2 was stuck up at the same time and is here 
http://www.motorhomefacts.com/postt2242.html although not as good as it is more motorhomey information


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## SidT (May 9, 2005)

*Pusser.* I couldn't agree more with all the previous comments, it gets funnier each time we read it. Look forward to this evening when I will have the time to read Part 2.

*Johnhow*. You make me jealous, Frejus is our favourite part of France. We have camped (tented) there many times over the years. We havent been in our new M/home yet so didnt take much notice of height barriers, is there one on the Casino supermarche at Frejus?, We normally camp at L'toile d'Argent lovely campsite.
Cheers Sid


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## korky (May 16, 2005)

A brilliant two-parter. Thank you for some super entertainment.
This deserves a wider audience.
May you continue to wend your wobbly way in such a fashion.
Regards
Korky :wink:


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## autostratus (May 9, 2005)

Hi Pusser

Just got home this weekend and slowly going through the posts.

Thank you for the funniest read I've had in a long time.
It took me over half an hour as I was trying to read it to someone else and I just couldn't read for laughing.
Thank the Lord for TENA lady!


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## autostratus (May 9, 2005)

Pusser

Since I last posted here I've been looking for some information which I saw some time ago and which came to mind when I read your holiday memoires.

I am pleased to say I have now found it and the web site is here for your information. I hope you may find it useful.
http://www.bumperdumper.com/


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## Anonymous (Nov 10, 2000)

Lovely thought - little small for my needs although the truck would probably do. There must be a priceless type joke somewhere there.


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## MOTORHOMER (May 9, 2005)

Oh Pusser I have only just found this thread. We have been away on holiday. I have not laughed so much in such a long while. Must get a new box of tissues.

Will read your part two later. 

Motorhomer.


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