# Other people's avoidance of illness



## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

Has anyone else noticed that some people avoid them once they are ill? I am not talking about an infectious illness here. 
Since Chris has been diagnosed with serious heart failure his friends seem to have stopped visiting. One, good, friend even seemed to be avoiding him in the street!
The latest one is, possibly, my brother John. Chris has done this brother no end of favours, including flying out to the States to help him move house! Now John is come to England for his annual visit and seems to be finding excuses to stay with his friends in the North East of England for the whole visit, rather than divide his time between them and us as usual.
My other brother, who is another that Chris has helped on, literally, hundreds of occasions is now conspicuous by his absence. We gave him our old car recently, which he duly collected but left with it as soon as was decent. We then offered him a large load of firewood for his woodburner which he really wants but seems reluctant to come and collect. Normally this is his way of getting Chris to deliver it but he knows I am not going to allow that to happen. 


Perhaps I am being over sensitive?


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## H1-GBV (Feb 28, 2006)

When dealing with friends and family, it is often embarrassment at "not knowing what to say" that encourages folk to take the easy way out. Hopefully they will come round: if time is short or dragging on, then "someone" may need to raise the situation with them directly.

The problem is more difficult with work colleagues (and when friends fall into this category, it is best to consider the work implications). Asking someone how they are doing (and possibly implying "when will you be back at work?") can be seen as pressure to put your health at a lower priority than your employment. This can then lead to "stress-related" absence. Some employers have a single point of contact to deal with this situation and colleagues may be *instructed *not to approach their friend directly.

All very sad and I hope things improve for you - Gordon


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

Good point about the work colleagues but Chris has been retired for quite a while now.


Any female friends have just rolled up and visited as usual. It seems to be only male friends and relatives that appear unable to deal with illness. I have to point out that Chris looks and acts completely as always. No one was more surprised than us, when his breathlessness was diagnosed, to find that he needed major surgery.


Could it be that people withdraw from contact in the expectation that a sick person might die and they are protecting their own emotions? I noticed, when my mother aged and her health deteriorated, that my brothers were conspicuous by their absence.


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## GMJ (Jun 24, 2014)

They don't want to be in touch with their own mortality...especially blokes!


My wife has to use a walking stick due to her MS (sometimes two sticks) and she is adamant people treat her differently when out and about when she uses them.


Graham :serious:


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

I'm not saying that this is the reason in your case Pat but we all seem to live such busy lives now and fitting in a visit, any visit can be seen as very time consuming.
Personally I am happy on my own.

Ray.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Is it a British thing

Or everywhere 

So many find it hard to confront illness, what to say ?

Should it be talked about or ignored ? 

It’s sad, it’s so much part of our lives for each and everyone of us 

John is possibally trying to save you the extra work given the circumstances 

The same thing happens when one of a couple dies 

Other couple friends drift away unsure 

What do we say to those with cancer, who have lost their hair due to treatment 

How do they feel, what’s the right thing to say?

I think it’s down to you both Pat to set the boundaries to tell your friends it’s ok

We haven’t changed , we can manage , however much you can

And that, that you can’t you are able to say so 

I have struggled with arthritic changes, and many things I managed I no longer can

But I’m still me, same as always , just not as mobile as I was

Sandra


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

I think I read somewhere, once, that people have an inbuilt desire to avoid sick people. It stems from the days when so many illnesses were infectious and, often, fatal. Shall I tell everyone that Chris is not infectious?


I do think the comment about facing our own mortality might be near to the truth. That and the fact that they are avoiding the sadness of what might be a terminal condition. They would rather distance themselves than have to support a sick person.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

I really don’t think so Pat

I think for most it’s just they don’t know how to deal with it

And to be fair

Neither do we 

We are less than honest

We don’t bare our hearts on our sleeves 

In case we get hurt 

And we get hurt anyway 

Because they didn’t know 

Sandra


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

People are funny with others when ill, I know I dislike visiting anyone when they are not well, probably a bloke thing and I do feel bad about it, but although I feel sympathy etc, I'm crap at showing it and might even make them feel worse, I do sometimes ring poorly folk though.


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

I don't like going to funerals. I want to remember someone when they were alive rather than in a box going through curtains. It's all too late then.!!

Ray.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Ray to be fair

If I wanted to avoid funerals

I’d avoid you 

Your not killing off all those males are you

If so I’m safe

I’ll just warn Albert 

Sandra


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

32 and counting Sandra.

Ray.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Your bordering on Dracula 

When we next visit 

You will want your steak raw??.

Sandra


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

I think it might be a man thing, Ray. My brother did not turn up for the funeral of his own mother. He had been a very caring son so we all forgave him. Also the last funeral (and the first I think) had been that of his wife of just two years 


It is looking up. The friend that has been avoiding Chris turned up yesterday


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## HermanHymer (Dec 5, 2008)

Interesting conversation! Maybe people (men) hate seeing a valued friend/former colleague diminished by poor health, no longer the active, strong person he used to be ... yes and the corollary to that might be... me next? or me next!


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

And it will be

Such is life 

We ain’t going to live for ever 

But maybe looking back

It wasn’t that bad

Sandra


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## jiwawa (Jun 22, 2007)

HermanHymer said:


> Interesting conversation! Maybe people (men) hate seeing a valued friend/former colleague diminished by poor health, no longer the active, strong person he used to be ... yes and the corollary to that might be... me next? or me next!


My sister is convinced this was at the back of the lack of visits from her husband's friends and colleagues. He'd always been a very gregarious and generous person and it was quite galling that so few visited when he was no longer able to be out and about.

I've also found men (generalising here) are not keen on hospital visiting and I always want to say 'This is not about you - get in there and give your support'.


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## dghr272 (Jun 14, 2012)

jiwawa said:


> HermanHymer said:
> 
> 
> > Interesting conversation! Maybe people (men) hate seeing a valued friend/former colleague diminished by poor health, no longer the active, strong person he used to be ... yes and the corollary to that might be... me next? or me next!
> ...


Like my daughter's first partner, she was rushed from A&E to a ward with meningitis, when told the situation he stated he didn't like visiting hospitals,

I'm much too much of a gentleman to post my response to him, although his reaction was a good indicator to what a tosser he was.

Terry


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Partners excepted 

I’d traverse the world to be by his side 

But I’m not so sure about his snoring>

We have a bed made up in a different room

Just in case >

Sandra:grin2:


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

And it’s used 

He really irritates me with his snoring 

53 years not withstanding 

Although I miss curling around him

His snoring , well ill forgo thecurling

It must be I’m getting old 

Or need my sleep

Sandra


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

Get him a CPAP machine, stopping the snoring was it's only good point for me, well for Liz really.


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

He’s not so bad unless he has a cold , a chesty cold or infection

Lately he’s had a few of those 

But I think it’s because he’s been knocking out holes in cement walls for windows 

I’m constantly telling him to wear a mask 

And I guess paint fumes don’t help Kev 

Still we now have a five week gap 

So maybe he will improve 

If not I’ll banish him to another room >

Sandra


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## jhelm (Feb 9, 2008)

Perhaps it would help if your husband reached out to friends and was open about his illness. Maybe let them know somehow that until the grim reaper calls he is the same ol guy they always knew. I can remember having dinner sitting next to a friend of my daughters who was dying from pancreatic cancer and having a normal conversation with him even joking a bit about his condition. It was kind of a reverse thing that he let me know by his behavior that I did not need to feel uncomfortable around him.


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

He has been to visit them several times since diagnosis. He looks and behaves exactly as he did before his diagnoses. He never moans.
One other theory that comes to me is that he is the "Mr Fixit" of our family and among our friends. He fixes everyone's cars, he does all their plumbing and other diy projects for them. Surely they couldn't be so petty minded as to think that he was no use to them any more?? It has happened before with his childhood friends. They all used to call him and ask favours but when he asked the odd one of them for help they were conspicuous by their absence. He helped no end of his friends move house but not one helped us.


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