# The 2011 test for Cultural Diversity



## carolgavin (May 9, 2005)

The 2011 test for cultural diversity 

To understand this you have to have lived and worked in Scotland, OR have been around Scots people a lot. It tests if the extent to which you understand the strange way they talk over there. And then it tests your taste for the strange corny sense of humour – something which often takes a long time to understand, i.e. tests how long you really were in Scotland .... Until the internet and email was invented this test never left Scotland. Here it is - how many of these 22 jokes do you get? 

Hint: this is difficult; even if you were born and brought up in Scotland you may not get them all! If you get more than eight you become an honorary Scotsman(woman)!

1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet. ' 

2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. 
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies. 

3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...? 
Oor Wullie.

4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?' 
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy. 

5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? 
He's awa' noo.

6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. 
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,' 

7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? 
Coo eight.

8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin. 

9. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. 
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies. 

10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: 
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo. 

12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? 
A skean dhu.

13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Just Juan.

14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. 
'No,' argues the assistant, 'Look at the label - it says Taiwan .' 

15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? 
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d. 

17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station? 
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? 
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

19. Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping. 

20. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies. 

21. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 
'Aye right.'

22. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street. 
When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car! 
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel...


----------



## Hezbez (Feb 7, 2009)

Got them all, very good!


----------



## suedew (May 10, 2005)

Brilliant, got them all, had to read a couple twice, but was almost like the pregnant girl by the end  
Have copied to send to some non scot, non motorhoming (except when I take them) friends

Sue


----------



## 747 (Oct 2, 2009)

I got them all.

It just goes to prove that 6 months of working with hundreds of 'bears' equals a lifetime of living in Scotland.


----------



## greenasthegrass (Oct 27, 2007)

Struggled a bit with 3 and 5 but colleague (who is scottish) helped me out.

Am surrounded!

Greenie :lol:


----------



## carolgavin (May 9, 2005)

747 said:


> I got them all.
> 
> It just goes to prove that 6 months of working with hundreds of 'bears' equals a lifetime of living in Scotland.


What or who is a bear in this context? Cos the only bears ah ken are Teddy bears which is what the Rangers supporters are called. :lol: :lol:


----------



## Spacerunner (Mar 18, 2006)

I don't think No 13 works. Scots pronounce Juan as Joo-ann.

Mind you reading scotch is far easier than listening to it.

At the motorway services just south of Glasgow the young girl on the checkout asked me three times for the money. In the end i had to just hold up a handful of change so she could take what she needed.
Last time i did that was in Karachi! :lol:


----------



## Hezbez (Feb 7, 2009)

Spacerunner said:


> Mind you reading scotch is far easier than listening to it.


Most usually prefer to drink it.


----------



## 747 (Oct 2, 2009)

Carol, you should be ashamed.

Glaswegian men refer to themselves as "The Bears"


----------



## ardgour (Mar 22, 2008)

When I arrived north of the border 27 years ago I was told you became an honorary scotsman when you understood (and laughed at) Scotland the What - compared to that these are very straightforward.
(and yes I do now understand Scotland the what)

Chris


----------



## carolgavin (May 9, 2005)

747 said:


> Carol, you should be ashamed.
> 
> Glaswegian men refer to themselves as "The Bears"


747 hunny having lived just outside Glasgow for all of my 47 years to my knowledge if someone from Glasgow calls someone a 'bear' or refers to themself as a 'bear' it is for one of two reasons....

1. Their build
2. Their being a supporter of the fabulous Glasgow Rangers. Commonly referred to as Teddy Bears or by various other names by the other Glasgow football team :lol: :lol:

It certainly ain't a collective term for folk from Glasgow, them in the East end of Glasgow would no be too happy at being called a bear!!


----------



## Hezbez (Feb 7, 2009)

carolgavin said:


> 747 said:
> 
> 
> > Carol, you should be ashamed.
> ...


Can concur with Carol on this one. 
And we are the experts on the subject!


----------



## 747 (Oct 2, 2009)

Now you mention it....... a lot of them wore blue shirts with a number on the back.

AND..... they all worked with Billy Connolly. :? 

Bit of a contradiction there somewhere methinks. 8O


----------

