# Drive-through cash machine instructions



## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

*DISCLAIMER - and lifesaver I hope!*​8O 8O *The female list is UNQUESTIONABLY a work of TOTAL FICTION. 8O 8O 
There is no similarity suggested or implied to any person of the female kind,
either alive, dead or living in Essex!!!!*​
*New Drive-thru cash machines​*Please note that Barclays are installing new "Drive-thru" cash point machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To facilitate the use of this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.

Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.

*MALE PROCEDURE*

1	Drive up to cash machine.
2	Wind down car window.
3	Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4	Enter amounts of cash required and withdraw.
5	Retrieve card, cash, and receipt.
6	Wind up window.
7	Drive off.

*FEMALE PROCEDURE*

1	Drive up to cash machine.
2	Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machines.
3	Re-start the stalled engine.
4	Wind down window.
5	Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
6	Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror.
7	Attempt to insert card into machine.
8	Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from car.
9	Insert card.
10	Re-insert card the right way up.
11	Re-enter handbag to find diary with PIN written on the inside back page.
12	Enter PIN.
13	Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14	Enter amount of cash required.
15	Re-check make up in rear view mirror.
16	Retrieve cash and receipt.
17	Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
18	Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19	Re-check make-up again.
20	Drive forward 2 metres.
21	Reverse back to cash machine.
22	Retrieve card.
23	Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided.
24	Re-check make-up.
25	Re-start stalled engine and pull off.
26	Drive for 3 to 4 miles.
27	Release handbrake.

(P.S. What is it about Essex Girls? I've never quite caught on to the humour in all the jokes? What's so funny about Essex?)


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## patman (Jan 1, 2007)

Someone's living dangerously


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

patman said:


> Someone's living dangerously


The wife's away. Should be OK so long as this has drifted out of sight before she gets back.


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## tonyt (May 25, 2005)

Dave - my missus is on her way to see you now - have you made your will?


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

tonyt said:


> Dave - my missus is on her way to see you now - have you made your will?


I'm pretty tall Tony. She will never get her foot up high enough.


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## patman (Jan 1, 2007)

Zebedee said:


> patman said:
> 
> 
> > Someone's living dangerously
> ...


When's she back I'll bring it up again


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## geraldandannie (Jun 4, 2006)

Zebedee said:


> Should be OK so long as this has drifted out of sight before she gets back.


We're gonna make damned sure it stays near the top :wink:

Gerald


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

patman said:


> Zebedee said:
> 
> 
> > patman said:
> ...


I'm expecting her back in time for Christmas . . . . 2040


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## patman (Jan 1, 2007)

That's twenty to nine?


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

OK smartarse.   

I thought I'd got you there and was composing the witty riposte already.

I'll cheerfully admit defeat on this one.


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## patman (Jan 1, 2007)

She'll be home soon.


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

patman said:


> She'll be home soon.


Hope she hasn't forgotten the fish supper. She's yours if she has, but I'm not paying the postage! 8O


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## patman (Jan 1, 2007)

Could she be mistaken for Kylie Minogue?


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

She is . . . quite often. But I really enjoy stroking guide dogs.


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## patman (Jan 1, 2007)




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## tokkalosh (May 25, 2006)

Made a note of your name Zebedee :x 

Keep looking over your shoulder :arrow:


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

tokkalosh said:


> Made a note of your name Zebedee :x
> 
> Keep looking over your shoulder :arrow:


Hi Tricia

Could *you *be mistaken for Kylie Minogue? Patman and I shall be fighting a duel if you could!

Hope it gave a few people a bit of a giggle at any rate.  

Cheers


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## tokkalosh (May 25, 2006)

Kylie's got nothing on me 

or should that be

I've got nothing on Kylie  

:lol: :lol:


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## DABurleigh (May 9, 2005)

"(P.S. What is it about Essex Girls? I've never quite caught on to the humour in all the jokes? What's so funny about Essex?)"

Being married to a girl from Essex (note the diplomatic distinction), Dave's query prompted me to Google some Essex Girl jokes. My eyes are now sore from wiping the tears away.

Dave


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## tonyt (May 25, 2005)

Dab - my missus says, when she's sorted out Zebedee, she'll call in to "see" you.


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## timbop37 (Jun 28, 2006)

Still keeping it near the top.

Tim


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

timbop37 said:


> Still keeping it near the top.
> 
> Tim


Toerag! :evil:


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## patman (Jan 1, 2007)

Times running out


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## DABurleigh (May 9, 2005)

One of the more presentable Essex Girl jokes.

Dave

"an essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "how many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the essex girl.
"10???" says the council worker, "what are their names?"
"wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne and wayne".
"doesn't that get confusing?"
"naah..." says the essex girl, "its great because if they are out playing in the street i just have to shout waayne, yer dinners ready or waayne go to bed now and they all do it".
"what if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"thats easy," says the essex girl "i just use their surnames".


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

DABurleigh said:


> One of the more presentable Essex Girl jokes.
> 
> Dave
> 
> ...


It has a certain simple logic that defies . . . . well, just about anything!!

Cheers


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## mangothemadmonk (Aug 6, 2006)

Bump


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

mangothemadmonk said:


> Bump


Another bloody toerag!! :evil: Have I no friends on this damn forum??


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## patman (Jan 1, 2007)

An Essex girl takes her car to the garage and tells the mechanic that it's not running properly. The mechanic has a good look at it and then tells the girl that it's fixed. "Will it keep going now?" asked the girl. "Yes, just sh*t in the carbarettor" replies the mechanic. " Really? How often?" she replies.


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