# A strange tradition



## JanHank (Mar 29, 2015)

On the last Sunday before the first Sunday in Advent (which is tomorrow) comes Totensonntag, graves will be covered with greenery, mostly from pine trees.
Coming home from our walk my neighbour next door but one was cutting some branches to take to the cemetary to cover family members graves, it´s been going on for years and years, a day set aside to remember your dead loved ones and I imagine the Roman Catholics will pray for them.
Goodness knows what the people here think of me when I tell them I don´t even know where the urn for Hans is in the Friedhof / grave yard the same as I will never understand what good it does by carrying out this tradition, I don´t need a special day to think of the special people in my life that have died, the last one is here in my head day and night.


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## barryd (May 9, 2008)

I suppose there is nothing wrong with either. Michelle often feels guilty if she doesnt visit her parents graves. Mine were cremated and their ashes scattered on the cricket field. I guess I don't need to visit or tend a grave to remember them or pay my respects. On the other hand I guess some like a gravestone and somewhere to visit.

I'm undecided. All those Rock God Groupies will need some kind of shrine to weep and wail over.


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## 242633 (Oct 21, 2021)

Elaine has a Deal with the Attendant at the local Decheterrie. As long as she can get me into the compound, he will help her to dump me in Skip 9 'Dechets Ultimes' [non recyclable goods], and will just treat the visit of one of the 15 visits a year covered by our Bin Emptying Tax ...

'Earth to earth; ashes to ashes; and Marchie to Skip 9' )

My Dad always joked that Mum would have his ashes used to fill an egg timer. 'The bugger wouldn't work when he was alive; well. he'll work now. And she'll never have a hard boiled egg again' was his stock response. Wonder if Dad really understood the meaning of 'The quick and the dead'?

'Now Marchie's Dead
But not forgotten;
His intention was good,
But his jokes were rotten'

Steve


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

I am fortunate in that I am estranged from my family and have only attended my dads funeral, mainly to dance on his grave but they refused permish, I missed my brother and sisters, I lost a good friend about 20 years ago, but I have been to more funerals for Lizs relatives, she lost her daughter a couple of years before we met and she can't bring herself to visit her grave, always in her mind though.


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

I try very hard not to go to Funerals preferring to remember the person as a friend and not a pine box going through a curtain or down in a hole in the ground.
I keep many pics of our deceased friends and can remember and laugh at them when they were with us.

My wife keeps asking where I want my ashes put and for years I have always said I don't care. But she kept on and in the end just to be awkward I said with my mum and dad in the Amersfoort cemetery. That will be very difficult after I'm gone.

Ray.


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

A couple I've known for years had the where discussion many times once in the pub it kicked off again, he ended it by saying on top of yours, she wasn't a happy bunny.


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

JanHank said:


> On the last Sunday before the first Sunday in Advent (which is tomorrow) comes Totensonntag, graves will be covered with greenery, mostly from pine trees.
> Coming home from our walk my neighbour next door but one was cutting some branches to take to the cemetary to cover family members graves, it´s been going on for years and years, a day set aside to remember your dead loved ones and I imagine the Roman Catholics will pray for them.
> Goodness knows what the people here think of me when I tell them I don´t even know where the urn for Hans is in the Friedhof / grave yard the same as I will never understand what good it does by carrying out this tradition, I don´t need a special day to think of the special people in my life that have died, the last one is here in my head day and night.


In Poland everybody traipses along to the cemeteries on Nov 1st (All Saints' Day). I m sure they cannot all have been saints. And Parking is manic.

Florists do very well in the run-up, but fortunately Basia used to work for a florist's along the road so a bit of discount still.

Basia still tries to go privately to her Father's grave for his birthday, as well as on Nov 1st when all the family go.

I try to keep out of it as I never knew any of them, but I help with the 'fetch and carry'

Geoff


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## bilbaoman (Jun 17, 2016)

About 4 years ago my wife and i were standing close to the entrance to Bilbao harbour there was a group of people a few metres away suddenly my wife was covered in dust it was the ashes of someone they were trying to empty into the harbour.


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## GMJ (Jun 24, 2014)

I have been telling my wife for years that when I die tell the council that you are skint and they will pay for a paupers funeral. I also don't want ceremonies etc and prefer to remember folks that I liked when they were alive and not dead.

My mother passed when I was 12 and then 3 grandparents all died within the next 2 years. It was a tough time going to all those funerals close together. My dad passed in 2003. Neither my mother or father wanted anything left as a remembrance so I just remember them in my own way.

If I have to attend my own funeral ceremony then I insist that 'Fire' by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown is played as the coffin disappears behind the curtain...






I also am minded here of the inscription on Spike Milligan's gravestone which always raises a smile: "I told you I was ill"


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

When we still had our land I always wanted to be buried in what we called "the back field". It was a lovely peaceful place where I used to mess about with my ponies. 

I had both of my parents cremated and did not keep the ashes. Chris is the same. We never even mark the day that they died. 

My old boss from the veterinary practice where I worked has become a humanist funeral celebrant since he retired. I have been to couple of his funerals and they have been really lovely. One was held in the garden of the dead person's house, with just tea and biccies, as was her wish.

Portugal has s similar day to Poland. For some reason they do not put their dead under ground. they are in tombs in graveyards that are all highly decorated. I wonder if it was the church decided we should all have funerals with large congregations?


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

One of the houses we owned in Kingston was an old Deanery and had been 'consecrated' by the local clergy. So we all assumed we might get 'planted' in the garden.
But over the years we concreted over all the garden/land and finally sold and moved on. 

Ray.


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

Liz and I like most folk I assume had the what do you want when you die conversation, buried or burnt, I said I'll make my mind up on the day.


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## JanHank (Mar 29, 2015)

barryd said:


> I'm undecided. *All those Rock God Groupies *will need some kind of shrine to weep and wail over.


Oh no I won´t, got you on my computer


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## JanHank (Mar 29, 2015)

patp said:


> When we still had our land I always wanted to be buried in what we called "the back field". It was a lovely peaceful place where I used to mess about with my ponies.
> 
> I had both of my parents cremated and did not keep the ashes. Chris is the same. We never even mark the day that they died.
> 
> ...


Which church, there are so many different religions.
I don´t believe anyone actually thought about *not* having a funeral until recent years, it was always just the done thing. Also people didn´t talk about it while they were alive as much as they do now,------------ like sex, that was never talked about as openly when we were teenagers and look what happened quite often with girls who knew nothing about contraception. Now people talk openly about _preventing _new life _and_ what they want to happen after their death and its not frowned upon quite as much when "no funeral, no fuss" is requested. Tending graves is what some people want, thank goodness I don`t have any to worry about, Mum and Dads remains were cremated and scattered in the crematorium garden, unfortunately that is not allowed in this country its either an urn buried in the cemetary or a special area in the woods costing 3 times as much as the cemetary or tipped in the sea. 
What a strange subject to discuss on this forum. Who started it :grin2:

The loveliest thing I have seen happen in a cemetary was in Franken here in Germany, on Christmas Eve each grave had a candle burning (In the special jars) a brass band playing carols and everyone singing (the ones I knew I just sang in English). it was a wonderful atmosphere.


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

Don't ask where a loved ones ashes can be taken or put. It's so easy for the authority to just say no or you will need 28 pages signed. Just do it.

Ray.


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

What gets to Liz and I is that it is such a waste of all the life and accumulated knowledge which more so today is lost as the younger generation is less interested in learning how things are made etc, so isn't passed on like in years past.


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## JanHank (Mar 29, 2015)

raynipper said:


> Don't ask where a loved ones ashes can be taken or put. It's so easy for the authority to just say no or you will need 28 pages signed. Just do it.
> 
> Ray.


I don´t think it´s as easy as that here Ray, you´d probably need to be accompanied to the sea by some official, but where the ashes are is fine by Hans and me, I´m surrounded by him in this house.


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## GMJ (Jun 24, 2014)

Pudsey_Bear said:


> Liz and I like most folk I assume had the what do you want when you die conversation, buried or burnt, I said I'll make my mind up on the day.


let us know when you are planning on going Kev as these celebration parties take some organising


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

Only if you told the official Jan.
Someone asked Brittany Ferries about taking their beloveds ashes back to UK. All sorts of docs were needed. Don't ask.!!!

It's like when someone dies the very last people you want to inform is the bank. Banks delight in freezing accounts just when you need them most. Don't tell them!!

Ray.


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## GMJ (Jun 24, 2014)

barryd said:


> I'm undecided. All those Rock God Groupies will need some kind of shrine to weep and wail over.


Only fair I suppose. after all you bring most of us to tears now with your singing...


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

GMJ said:


> let us know when you are planning on going Kev as these celebration parties take some organising


I am not planning on going at all.


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## bilbaoman (Jun 17, 2016)

When i lived in Athens most of the dead were buried in graves that are only rented for three years after that they were removed and the bones stored in metal boxes in the cemetery ossuary or taken back to their native villages


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

raynipper said:


> Only if you told the official Jan.
> Someone asked Brittany Ferries about taking their beloveds ashes back to UK. All sorts of docs were needed. Don't ask.!!!
> 
> It's like when someone dies the very last people you want to inform is the bank.* Banks delight in freezing accounts just when you need them most*. Don't tell them!!
> ...


I doubt if they can freeze an account in joint names. At least I hope not, as the reason for having it is so we both have access to immediate funds in that situation. We do not use it jointly in everyday living.

Geoff


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

Just put me in a blender and pop me in the wheelie bin once I'm gone.


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## JanHank (Mar 29, 2015)

nicholsong said:


> I doubt if they can freeze an account in joint names. At least I hope not, as the reason for having it is so we both have access to immediate funds in that situation. We do not use it jointly in everyday living.
> 
> Geoff


All our accounts were in both names Geoff and I had no trouble, just carried on as normal after informing the banks both in England and in Germany.


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

nicholsong said:


> I doubt if they can freeze an account in joint names. At least I hope not, as the reason for having it is so we both have access to immediate funds in that situation. We do not use it jointly in everyday living. Geoff


Yes I don't know all the details but two widows here in France were not able to access their funds. Maybe they were not in joint I don't know. But I had to accompany one widow to her bank and create merry hell before they graciously gave her a loan after her husband died to tide her over until I guess Probate.

I was co signatory on my mums Barclays account. After she died I emptied the remains of her cash to my bank and eventually told Barclays. They created merry hell and said I can't do that. I just said I had done it and was going on holiday till the next year. But if I had told them first it would have taken many months to transfer the cash.

Ray.


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## JanHank (Mar 29, 2015)

raynipper said:


> Yes I don't know all the details but two widows here in France were not able to access their funds. Maybe they were not in joint I don't know. But I had to accompany one widow to her bank and create merry hell before they graciously gave her a loan after her husband died to tide her over until I guess Probate.
> 
> I was co signatory on my mums Barclays account. After she died I emptied the remains of her cash to my bank and eventually told Barclays. They created merry hell and said I can't do that. I just said I had done it and was going on holiday till the next year. But if I had told them first it would have taken many months to transfer the cash.
> 
> Ray.


None were joint accounts then Ray.


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## raynipper (Aug 4, 2008)

Dunno Jan. Some don't think it's necessary until it's too late. We made all ours joint when we passed 70.

Ray.


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## GMJ (Jun 24, 2014)

My wife and I have had a joint account since we got together. Prior to that I also had one with my first wife. I/we struggle to think why anyone in a long term relationship/marriage would want separate accounts tbh. It makes life so much simpler if it all goes into one place and all comes out of the same place.


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## JanHank (Mar 29, 2015)

Once upon a time there was a joint account but both parties had to sign the check, how could they get round that one now with bank cards and online banking, I suppose thats a thing of the past.?


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

You decide when you open it Jan. You can decide on both signatures or either. With cards I imagine that they are issued to one person and if they don't share the pin number with their partner then it is secured to them.

We turned my mother's bank account into a joint one with me. The cashier at Nationwide was very encouraging of us to do that. I expect they get a lot of mismanaged accounts from elderly people who get in a muddle. Mind you, when my mother got senile dementia she took to accusing me of stealing from it. Apparently this is quite common but was very upsetting at the time.

Does anyone know about utility bills etc with the joint/sole account? I am the "clerk" in this house and all the utility bills bar one, I think, are in my name. We put one in Chris's name so that he could use it as id if needed. If I popped my clogs could he carry on living in a house with all the utility bills etc in my name? They are all paid by direct debit from our joint account so they are unlikely to find out if no one tells them.


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

Vehicle insurance is the worst, you cannot have joint names on the V5, and the insurance need to be in one name with named drivers so I shuffle off Liz has no NCD, so more stress when you least need it.


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## patp (Apr 30, 2007)

I can't remember what happened but something went wrong with our car insurances a while back and I was left without NCD. The insurance company asked me lots of questions and managed to give me some.


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## Pudsey_Bear (Sep 25, 2008)

You would normally get an introductory discount anyway, but if you're used to getting 9+ years as we do, then it might mean you can't afford to run a car if your spouse leaves very little.


I tried to get Liz to have a joint account and I was happy to, but she didn't want to, I normally carry the cards anyway, and I have the PINs memorised so seems a bit stupid to me.


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

GMJ said:


> My wife and I have had a joint account since we got together. Prior to that I also had one with my first wife. *I/we struggle to think why anyone in a long term relationship/marriage would want separate accounts tbh*. It makes life so much simpler if it all goes into one place and all comes out of the same place.


I get your point but Basia had her own account before I joined her 10 years ago and keeps it for paying our utility bills which of course arrive in Polish - I just pay her a monthly allowance to cover that and food..

She is also a signatory on her Mother's account and sometimes is shuffling amounts between her and Mum's account to take the strain off Mum.

Circumstances are sometimes more complex and need other solutions.

Geoff


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## HermanHymer (Dec 5, 2008)

Be thankful you dont live in Madagascar. One a year they dig the whole lot up have a jolly party for 24 hours then put them all back. Coffins are designed according to life profession. Eg a pilot gets one shaped like a plane.


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## jiwawa (Jun 22, 2007)

Heavens above Viv, that almost makes death seem like fun! Maybe no bad thing!


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