# Tommy Cooper - comic genius



## mauramac (May 24, 2005)

Have just been sent these, made me larf - not sure they all Tommy's material tho 8O 

>
>1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
>
>2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy 
>marijuana, simply press the hash key..."
>
>3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for 
>shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
>4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
>
>5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he 
>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks 
>are too high."
>
>6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
>
>7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He 
>shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: 
>"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
>
>8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
>
>9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in 
>the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have 
>your kayak and heat it.
>
>10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van 
>covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped 
>himself.
>
>11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his 
>head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
>12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That 
>sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '. "It's not 
>unusual."
>
>13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, 
>is there anything you can do for him?"
>"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the 
>dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."
>"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>"No, because he's really heavy"
>
>14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck 
>up my backside."
>"How's that?".
>"Don't you start."
>
>15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
>
>16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
>17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you 
>give me a lift?".
>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
>18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 
>people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum 
>or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger 
brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
>
>19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
>The other one says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>
>20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery 
>acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let 
>the other one off.
>
>21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving 
>today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
>It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
>
>22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in 
>several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
>
>23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a 
> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish 
>search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and 
>expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

:lol: :lol: M :lol: :lol:


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## moblee (Dec 31, 2006)

Brilliant Mauramac,Deserves a reply. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 



phil


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## mauramac (May 24, 2005)

moblee said:


> Brilliant Mauramac,Deserves a reply. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
> phil


Thanks Phil, like I said they made me giggle, you can just hear him delivering the lines in some of them - sadly miss that silly sense of humour, he was priceless.

M.


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## Drummer (May 9, 2005)

Can I add a few of my Tommy favs?

Why do ballet dancers go around on their toes , shouldn't they just get taller people ? 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong. 

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "OK, Where is he?" 

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." 

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down. 

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on. 

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." 

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." 

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.


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## moblee (Dec 31, 2006)

Nice one Drummer :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

you and mauramac have had me in stitches.

keep dodging them coffins :lol: 



phil


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## mauramac (May 24, 2005)

Excellent Drummer, best giggle I've had for ages :lol:


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