# New Ships For The Fleet



## prof20 (Jan 11, 2007)

Apologies if a re-post and apologies to the more PC.

According to our sources:

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. 

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from
the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches – this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."


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## pippin (Nov 15, 2007)

_"Britannia waives the rules."_

Sheer brilliance - except that when it comes to €U rules we actually gold plate them and apply them double strength no matter what.


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## Penquin (Oct 15, 2007)

Lovely - no, I have not seen that before and it is well worth sharing in this politically correct world in which we now live.....

Dave :lol:


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## rayrecrok (Nov 21, 2008)

Hi.

Sandra's brother is a Chief Petty Officer on HMS Daring he has been on it since it was launched, he is in charge of all the radar operations and repairs, he is out serving his country and putting his life on the line if hostilities flare up and they have to do the business..

Now I know he is a brave bloke who has made a career out of the navy. He has degrees in electronics after university.

I would like to see you say the same thing to his face, or any of the other lads on board..


To post such ****e on here is cowardly.. :evil: 

ray


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## prof20 (Jan 11, 2007)

rayrecrok said:


> To post such [email protected]~& on here is cowardly.. :evil:
> 
> ray


Calm down, rayrecrok. A bit heavy that......and uncalled for.

Where do you think that post came from?

This website no less!

The Royal Naval Communications Association.

http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rc...PuOEE2kvXSWvyOLsxue4Y2g&bvm=bv.41867550,d.d2k

They have the ability to laugh at themselves and to take a joke.

Have a look at some of their posts, and others on the web under 'Naval Humour'.

Roger


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## pippin (Nov 15, 2007)

Ray - it seems he is talking about the Navy of the USA:

_'Naval *Humor*'_


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## rayrecrok (Nov 21, 2008)

I find it offensive.


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## Glandwr (Jun 12, 2006)

Pardon Ray? 

Dick :lol:


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## prof20 (Jan 11, 2007)

Another slant on the same theme from yet another 'Naval Humour' website.

Unfortunately much of it is quite close to the truth these days.

The way things are going we will not have a Navy for much longer.

I have the utmost respect for all personnel in our Armed Forces and I am sure that the majority of them would have a laugh at these posts.

No offence intended to any member. Please feel free to make of it what you will, which is what forums are about.



How Nelson might have fared if he’d been subject
to modern 'Health and Safety' regulations.


You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Appeasement. 

Order the signal. Hardy. 

Aye, aye, sir. 

Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this? 

Sorry, sir? 

England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this? 

Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist. 

Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco. 

Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments. 

In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle. 

The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking. 

Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead. 

I think you'll find that there’s a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water. 

Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please. 

That won't be possible, sir. 

What? 

Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected. 

Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy. 

He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral. 

Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd. 

Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled. 

Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card. 

Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency. 

Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons. 

A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt, haven't you seen the adverts? 

I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy. 

The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral. 

What? This is mutiny. 

It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks. 

The how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish? 

Actually, sir, we’re not. 

We’re not? 

No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation. 

But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil. 

I wouldn't let the ship’s diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary. 

You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King. 

Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it’s the rules. 

Don't tell me, health and safety. Whatever happened to rum sodomy and the lash? 

As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment. 

What about sodomy? 

Ah, I believe it’s to be encouraged sir. 

In that case - kiss me Hardy.

Roger


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