# Scotland - They're only jokes - Honest!



## TDG (May 26, 2009)

A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before leaving... 

'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie. 

''Awe Ian that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you? 

''Nah; just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.' 



The first people in the UK to have double glazing were the Scots .... so their kids couldn't hear the ice cream vans. 


How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb? 'Och! it's no that dark!' 


Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings? 

He sold her four of them.... 


A Scotsman took a girl for a romantic ride in his taxi.
She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter... 


A suicidal Scotsman went next door to his neighbour's house to gas himself.... 



A very popular man dies in Aberdeen and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the
Aberdeen Evening Express and says 'I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband' 

The man at the desk says 'OK, how much money dae ye have?' 

The old woman replies '£5' to which the man says 'Ye wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok' 

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter.The man reads
'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid' 

He feels sad at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old womanto write a few more things, saying 'I think we cud allow 

3 or 4 more words fer ye money. 

'The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. 

The man then reads
'Peter Reid, fae Kincorth, deid. Ford Escort for sale'......


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## foll-de-roll (Oct 29, 2007)

TDG

Excellent, especially the last one ,nearly choked on my porridge. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Andy


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## DTPCHEMICALS (Jul 24, 2006)

you may be branded a racist :lol: :lol: 

DAve p

edit
I had two homosexual mates they were called

Angus Fitswilliam and William Fitsangus


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## suffolkian (Jul 25, 2007)

DTPCHEMICALS said:


> you may be branded a racist :lol: :lol:
> 
> DAve p
> 
> ...


They were close friends of Ben Doon and Phil McCavity


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## time-traveller (Apr 23, 2007)

DTPCHEMICALS said:


> you may be branded a racist :lol: :lol:
> 
> DAve p
> 
> ...


I know 'em !

They have a couple of mates ... Ben Doon and Phil McAvity


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## time-traveller (Apr 23, 2007)

suffolkian said:


> DTPCHEMICALS said:
> 
> 
> > you may be branded a racist :lol: :lol:
> ...


Oh - you know 'em as well, then?


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## suffolkian (Jul 25, 2007)

Not personally........only jocking!!!!!!


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## TDG (May 26, 2009)

suffolkian said:


> Not personally........only jocking!!!!!!


Starting to wish I hadn't started this one :roll: 
But I suppose if one can't take a joke, one shouldn't have joined :wink:


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## greenasthegrass (Oct 27, 2007)

be careful boys you'll have Carol on your back - :roll: omg what a thought!

Greenie :lol:


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## erneboy (Feb 8, 2007)

Brian Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzbrian.


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## erneboy (Feb 8, 2007)

Other similar ones. 

The famous Indian pub singer: Gupta Singh 

The Scottosh cloak room attendant: Angus McCoatup 

The Irish bouncer: Liam Malone 

Indian cloak room attendant: Mahatma Coat


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

And just to exercise my puerile sense of humour . . .

The constipated Pakistani - Mustapha Krapp

:roll: :roll: :roll:


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## erneboy (Feb 8, 2007)

There was an Egyptian minister of transport called Mustafa Camel, honestly

A few more,

An Irish woman who throws all her bills in the fire: Burnadette.
An Irish woman with one leg longer than the other: Eileen.
Both legs the same length: Noleen.


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## twinky (Aug 11, 2008)

A man with a number plate on his head: Reg
and his newborn baby son: 59 Reg :lol: :lol:


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## iconnor (Nov 27, 2007)

Man in a pile of leaves : Russell
Man in a hole : Doug
Man on the ground : Douglas


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## erneboy (Feb 8, 2007)

A blind deer: no idea (r)
A blind deer with no legs: still no idea(r)


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## BJT (Oct 31, 2008)

Or the Liffey water nice boys - William Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzwilliam


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## iconnor (Nov 27, 2007)

One eyed dinosaur : Douthinkhesaurus


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## suffolkian (Jul 25, 2007)

Spanish woman with only one tooth.....Juanita
Man drowning in the sea......Bob

But back to the title of this thread:-

Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt?
He couldn't do a fling with it.


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## erneboy (Feb 8, 2007)

Did you hear about the rabbit that washed it´s thing and couldn´t do a hare with it.


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

erneboy said:


> A blind deer: no idea (r)
> A blind deer with no legs: still no idea(r)


...you forgot the last line :wink: :roll:

Pete


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## TDG (May 26, 2009)

Mods - 
Can I disassociate myself from this thread now it is totally out of control :?: :wink: :wink: :wink:


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## erneboy (Feb 8, 2007)

Don´t know it Pete, pray tell, Alan.


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

Alan;

A tad rude so i've bleeped it

A blind deer: no idea (r) 
A blind deer with no legs: still no idea(r)
A blind deer with no legs and no genitalia: Still no F*&%ing idea


What do you call a fish with no eyes? 

A fsh


Pete


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## erneboy (Feb 8, 2007)

Pete, I am getting old, I had forgotten that.

Did you hear about the farmer who won the Nobel Prize, he was outstanding in his field.

I am quite well known for my Irish farmyard impressions would you like to hear them............................shouting.........."GET OFF THAT F...ING TRACTOR"


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## tinkering (Dec 8, 2007)

How do you make a bull sweat :?: 

give him a tight jersey


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

What do you call a girl balancing a pint of bitter on her head while playing snooker :?: 
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Beatrix Potter.



Pete


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