# Read when you are feeling low



## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

Every time you are feeling low come back to this thread and have a laugh :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, 
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five 
men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand 
fishes.'" 
A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised 
his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that." 
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he 
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And 
they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two 
fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could 
you do that, Mr. Perkins?" 
The member of the flock said, "I sure could." 
"How would you do it?" 
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!" 
* 
Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up 
and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks 
the driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" 
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry." 
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters: "Will 
it take ME?" 
* 
Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were 
discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from 
New York City said, "Well, I have discovered men are all 
alike!" 
Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped 
the table. "Gal," she said, "men are all Ah like, too!" 
* 
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and 
stops them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are 
phony. 
He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use 
the words liver and cheese in a sentence." 
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for 
lunch." 
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he 
asks the second guy. 
He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine." 
* 
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious 
womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car 
round," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the 
time he had re-started it, the girl had vanished. 
"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an 
emergency." 
"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl." 
* 
Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line 
for the counter. 
Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, 
"I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke." 
The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers 
to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library." 
Judi nods. Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large 
fries, and a large Coke." 
* 
Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes 
up with the slogan, 
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave." 
The second one tries to improve on that with, 
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb." 
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, 
"From the sperm to the worm." 
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and 
almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, 
"From the erection to the resurrection." 
* 
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and 
sidles up to the bar and announces: 
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!" 
* 
From a cruise ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man 
on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. 
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain. 
"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes 
nuts." 
* 
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were 
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament 
victories. 
After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office 
and asked them to disperse. "But why?, they asked, as they moved 
off. 
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an 
open foyer." 
* 
A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones 
connected to her walkman. 
She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off 
her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would 
look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he 
picked them up and lifted them slightly. 
Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked 
up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a 
recorded voice was saying "Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, 
Breathe Out." 
* 
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the 
yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" 
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are 
you?" 
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I 
was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" 
* 
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the 
president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen 
and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters 
asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a 
series of weird noises...."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, 
whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I 
had a very nice flight." 
Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the 
Washington Monument while you're in the area?" 
The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, honk, 
buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to 
visit the White House and the Capitol Building." 
"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked 
the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, 
buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio." 
* 
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day 
and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month 
later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor 
asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?" 
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, 
but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey." 
* 
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted 
to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer 
him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in 
the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." 
John said that he would prefer the floor. 
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a 
gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?" 
"I'm Baby, and who are you?" 
"I'm stupid," he said. 
* 
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when 
suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. 
He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to 
free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror 
he saw a train coming. 
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of 
these tracks and I'll stop being bad!" 
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to 
see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get 
my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!" 
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just 
seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's 
horn blared. 
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free 
and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got 
up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks 
anyway God, I got it myself." 
* 
The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. 
Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver 
frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have 
your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. 
"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer as 
he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, 
and you meet some of the nastiest people." 
* 
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit 
his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled 
him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific 
struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when 
he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. 
He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a 
concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And 
somebody was standing in front of the 'S'!" 
* 
One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her 
mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?" 
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something 
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white. 
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said... 
"Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?" 
* 
A drunk looks up from his drink and says, "Bartender, I have 
to go. Which way is the bathroom?" 
The bartender points out the direction, and as the man 
staggers off, he says, "While you're there, go for me too." 
The drunk returns, sits down, then says, "Damn ! I forgot 
something." 
Then, minutes later, returns again and says, "Hey bartender, 
you didn't have to go." 
* 
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys 
holding a list. 
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, 
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and 
a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." 
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a 
challenging hunt?" 
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend." 
* 
It was one of those cloudy, hot days in Texas. The poor little 
commuter plane was being bounced around all over the sky. 
The pilot came on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, 
we are encountering some pretty bad turbulence, but don't worry. 
Should anything go wrong, you'll know immediately. Our co-pilot 
will become hysterical." 
* 
A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping 
mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting 
ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts 
and a spaghetti string top. 
An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband 
over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the 
mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they 
were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style. 
He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to 
say about that, too!" 
"Yes dear," she said, "you did . . . you asked me for my 
phone number!" 
* 
"What happened to you?" asked the bystander to the man 
lying on the sidewalk outside the beauty parlor. 
The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised 
chin. "Last thing I remember was my wife came out of the 
beauty salon. I took a look at her and said, 'Well, honey, at 
least you tried,' and then it was lights out . . . " 
* 
A playboy falls in love with a showgirl and lavishes everything 
on her. He buys her expensive clothes, jewelry and even a 
new car. Then one day, he proposes. 
The showgirl answers, "Me marry you? No way! The way you 
throw your money around???" 
* 
The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. 
On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he 
picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left 
a note on our dining-room table with my new number and 
this message: "For a good time, call 555-1234." 
When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. 
"Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get my note?" 
"Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who 
wrote it." 
* 
One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university 
his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are 
moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will 
be empty." 
Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated 
that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we 
were moving to?" 
He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you 
see a moving van here today, little girl?" 
"Yes," she replied. 
"Would you know which way it went?" 
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you." 
* 
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that 
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special 
case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several 
minutes, the older worker had had enough. 
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. 
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a 
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to 
wheel back." 
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you 
got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the 
handles. 
Then, nodding to the young man, he said... 
"All right. Get in."! 
* 
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. 
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?" 
The mother says, "It’s my daughter Darla, she keeps getting 
these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most 
mornings." 
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the 
mother and says, "Well,I don’t know how to tell you this but 
your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess." 
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever 
been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" 
Darla says, "No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!" 
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. 
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there 
something wrong out there doctor?" 
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it’s just that the last 
time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east 
and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m 
going to miss it this time!" 
* 
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank 
manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who 
I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." 
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be 
tried as soon as we catch him." 
* 
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards. 
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind 
some bushes with a gun. 
The masked man said "Give me all your money!" 
Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm 
the President!" The man then replied,... 
"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!" 
* 
"Father Reilly," the Mother Superior reported, "I just thought 
you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent." 
"Oh good," the priest replied, "I was really getting tired of the 
Chablis." 
* 
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra 
and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She 
entered an upscale department store and approached the 
saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" 
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the 
store and proceeded to another department store where she is 
rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another 
department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. 
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. 
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw 
open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" 
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried 
Clearasil?" 
* 
A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet. 
The local kid: 
"My mom was born in California! 
Where was your mom born?" 
The other kid answers, "Alaska". 
The first one replies: 
"Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!" 
* 
Why is 6 scared of 7 ? 
Because 7 ate nine! 
* 
A Horse walks into a bar: 
"Hey buddy," says the bartender, "why the long face?" 
* 
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and 
grandpa Morris gets out. 
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman 
said that he was lost in the park ... and couldn't find his way 
home. 
"Oy Morris," said grandma, " You've been going to that park 
for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?" 
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't 
hear. Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't. I was just too tired 
to walk home." 
* 
New Yorkers are a breed apart. A man was mugged but had 
no cash. Afraid he'd be hurt, he offered to write the guy a 
check. 
The mugger said dumbfounded, "A check? Why would I take a 
check from you? I don't even know you!" 
* 
A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the 
check. Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over 
and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect. 
The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was 
indeed correct. 
"Are you trying to make a fool out of me ?" he huffed. 
"Oh sir. Not in the least. I never interfere with nature." 
* 
"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new 
job?" 
"It's the worst job I ever had." 
"How long have you been there?" 
"About three months." 
"Why don't you quit?" 
"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked 
forward to going home." 
* 
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason 
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked 
what was wrong. 
"Nothing," said the woman. 
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" 
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked 
and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's 
Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." 
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten 
a Father's Day gift." 
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother." 
* 
Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in 
England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a 
sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow. 
The Italian was first: 
"I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and 
I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day." 
The Spanish was next: 
"I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the 
evening I watch the pink panther on TV." 
Last was the French: 
"I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green...green...", I pink up 
the phone and I say "Yellow ?..." 
* 
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several 
night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant 
fresh from Jump School. 
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a 
conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked. 
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive." 
I asked, "What's the difference?" 
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university 
education." 
* 
Judi's car wasn't the most reliable in the world and she 
called Amanpreet whenever it broke down and she needed 
a ride. One day Preet got such a call. 
"What happened this time?" he asked. 
"My brakes went out. Can you come and get me?" 
"Sure. Where are you?" 
"I'm in the drugstore?" 
"Where's the car at?" 
"In here with me." 
* 
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, 
recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic 
because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's 
only bar. 
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. 
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her 
house and left it there all night. 
* 
Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's 
an accident. 
Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be 
tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness." 
"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?" 
Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!" 
"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary. 
"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the 
beer vat and drowned!" 
"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he 
couldn't swim a lick!" 
"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a 
lie. He got out three times ta pee!" 
* 
Two groups charter a double decker bus for a weekend trip to 
Atlantic City. One group is all brunette and the other is 
all blonde. 
Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the 
brunettes hang out on the bottom level. 
The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and 
having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't 
hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go 
and check on them. 
When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes 
frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat 
in front of them. 
"Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here? We're having a GREAT 
time downstairs!" 
One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, 
"Yeah, but you guys have a driver!" 
* 
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about 
being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he 
asked, "Where do you want to go?" 
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out. 
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the 
preacher. 
"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny. 
* 
An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew. 
Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would 
seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and 
tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He 
played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours 
trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he 
threw the parrot into the freezer. 
"There," he said. "Maybe he'll cool off in there." 
For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that 
freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. 
A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, "If you 
would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory 
vocabulary." 
Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the 
chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot 
spoke. 
"If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?" 
* 
Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time. 
Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Giant 
Food Store. 
Dad: "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??" 
Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have 
fresh orange juice." 
A few minutes later, in a different aisle 
Dad: "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?" 
Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have 
fresh milk!" 
A few minutes later, in a different aisle 
Dad: "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, 
vat a country!" 
* 
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side 
of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse 
named Benny. 
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So 
he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. 
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." 
Benny didn't move. 
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." 
Still, Benny didn't move. 
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." 
Benny just stood. 
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, 
"Okay, Benny, pull." 
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. 
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he 
called his horse by the wrong name three times. 
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only 
one pulling he wouldn't even try." 
* 
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the 
obstetrician. 
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't 
get along." 
* 
My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my 
mother. A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough 
time finding just the right fit. When my mother picked out a 
yellow suit, my daughter went into the dressing room with 
her. A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit. 
My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty---just like 
a big yellow school bus." 
* 
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because 
she was prejudiced. 
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I 
knew that he was guilty as sin." 
"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney." 
* 
A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the 
bar of the Railway Hotel. 
"Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid " ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- 
stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm 
looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is 
BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week 
to ride around it on a horse?" 
"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse 
like that we'd turn it into glue." 
* 
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case 
involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't 
true. 
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. 
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is 
sentenced to 30 days." 
* 
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the 
politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the 
dressing table. 
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20." 
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. 
"You can't make a living on that." 
"Oh, don't worry," the girl replied. "I do a little blackmail on 
the side!" 
* 
A very homely young woman made an appointment with a 
psychiatrist. 
She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed 
and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near 
me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my 
ugliness?" 
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie 
face down on that couch." 
* 
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other 
doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." 
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then 
they'll see that I was right." 
* 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, 
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his 
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 
"Jesus is watching you." 
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. 
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised 
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back 
on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo 
out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 
"Jesus is watching you." 
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source 
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came 
to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. 
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." 
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 
"Moses," replied the bird. 
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name 
a parrot Moses?" 
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that 
would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"! 
* 
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. 
"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to 
start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon 
as he gets back." 
"Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' 
boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." 
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's 
so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes 
now!" 
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, 
"Audi, partners!" 
* 
Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy 
preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or 
English saddle. 
Judi asked what the difference was. 
"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't." 
"Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into 
too much traffic out here." 
* 
A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. 
They were supposed to swim the English Channel. 
A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish 
line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They 
waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked 
her what had taken her so long. 
The blonde was very upset as she screamed, "This was supposed to be a 
breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!" 
* 
The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly 
flushed, had been the life of the party. 
"John," she said, "did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, 
and how handsome you are?" 
"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife, "I don't think anyone 
ever did" 
"Well," she snapped, "then where did you ever get the idea?!!!" 
* 
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation 
in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress 
codes and etiquette. 
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man 
casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. 
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little 
casually today, aren't we?" 
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company." 
* 
The preacher came by the other day. He told me At your 
age, and after all that you have seen in your life, 
it would be refreshing to think a bit more about the afterlife". 
I told him: "After all that I've seen in my life, the only refreshing 
thing I believe in at my age is an after-eight" 
* 
Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their 
common problem with bats in the belfry of the church? 
The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the 
woodwork." 
The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing 
them 100 miles away. But they beat me back to the church!" 
The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and baptized and 
confirmed each one... 
I haven't seen them since!" 
* 
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon 
a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a 
dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he 
went over and asked them what they were doing. 
One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood 
stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of 
us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever 
one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today." 
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be 
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched 
into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you 
boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I 
was your age, I never told a lie." 
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the 
Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to 
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, 
"give him the dog." 
* 
Two cannibals meet one day... 
The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender 
Missionary. 
I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, 
I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender." 
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" 
The reply, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of 
the river. 
They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're 
sort of bald 
on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." 
"Ah, Ha!" the second cannibal replies, "No wonder--those are fryers!" 
* 
A zebra dies goes to heaven. 
When checking in, he tells St. Peter, "Say, I have always wanted to know 
if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes." 
St. Peter, "I can't answer that question... 
but see God walking around over there? Ask him." 
Zebra to God, "God, am I white with black stripes or black with white 
stripes?" 
God looks at the zebra sagely and states, "You are what you are." 
Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter. 
What did He say," asks S.P. 
"Oh,," replies the zebra. "He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still 
don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes." 
"Oh, that's easy," says S.P. "You are white with black stripes." 
"How do you know?" asks the zebra. "Well," says S.P., 
"if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'" 
* 
A doctor says to his patient: “I have bad news and worse news”. 
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. 
The doctor replies: “You have only 24 hours to live.” 
“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” 
The doctor replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.” 
* 
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied: “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.” 
* 
"Dad, will you help me with my homework?" 
"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right." 
"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try." 
* 
Once upon at time there were three Moles. 
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. 
They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. 
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, 
"Mmmmm, I smell sausage. 
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, 
"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes." 
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't 
because of the two bigger moles. 
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses!" 
* 
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin 
phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind. 
A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. 
They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but 
not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope 
concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be 
mankind and womankind. 
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They 
said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and 
womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay. 
The pope said, "Sure." 
The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti 
homeni, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti." 
* 
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. 
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. 
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you 
going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" 
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" 
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for 
panda: 
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black 
and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." 
* 
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry 
when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could 
tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. 
But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered 
down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he 
went to the door, and I let him out. 
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the 
hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several 
weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every 
afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." 
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his 
collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to 
catch up on his sleep." 
* 
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put 
his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. 
Even with her pulling and pushing the boots just didn't want 
to go on. By the time she'd got the second boot on, she'd 
worked up a sweat. 
That's when the little boy said, "Mrs. Smith, they're on the 
wrong feet." 
She looked, and sure enough, they were. 
It wasn't any easier getting them back off and re-put upon the 
correct feet. That's when the little boy said, "These aren't 
my boots." 
She bit her tongue and managed to keep her cool as together 
they worked 'em back off. He said, "They're my brother's. 
My mom made me wear them." 
Mrs. Smith didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But she 
mustered up the courage one more time to wrestle those 
boots on his feet again. "Now," she said, "where are your 
mittens?" 
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots." 
* 
A Pastor was called to a local nursing home to perform a 
wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The 
pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked 
several questions. "Do you love her?" 
The old man replied, "Nope." 
"Is she a good Christian woman?" 
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered. 
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor. 
"I doubt it." 
"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked. 
"Cause she can drive at night," the old man said. 
* 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down 
Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"... 
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels 
in jail until the chief gets back. So DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD!" 
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"... 
"HEY - I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the 
officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's 
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!" 
* 
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. 
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. 
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. 
"Are you kidding?" she says. . . 
"He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!" 
* 
A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty 
thousand cockroaches at once." 
"What in the world do you want with thirty thousand 
cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk. 
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease 
says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition 
I found it." 
* 
Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make 
sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the 
definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she 
asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal 
meant you saved something. 
Her paper read: "Frugal: to save." 
Sentence: "Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking 
in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. 
She yelled 'Frugal me, Frugal me!'" 
* 
Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and he spied a 
matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. 
He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" 
"Yes." she replied. 
"Do you read your Bible every day?" 
She nodded her head, "Yes." 
"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she 
answered, "Yes." 
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my 
quarter while I go swimming?" 
* 
We were all celebrating our friend's 80th birthday when the 
mail arrived. In the mail was a summons for my friend to 
appear for jury duty. 
My friend called the court clerk. "I received a jury duty 
summons, but I have an age exemption." 
The clerk said, "Ma'am, you need to fill out an exemption form 
to be granted the exemption." 
"I did that last year." 
"Ma'am, you have to do it every year." 
"Why? I'm not going to get any younger." 
* 
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. 
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." 
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?" 
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said - 
"she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education!" 
* 
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not 
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, 
and neither wanted to concede their position. 
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband 
sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" 
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family. 
* 
"If your wife doesn't feel well, gentlemen, do what I do to speed 
her recovery -- offer to help with the housework. 
If you don't think there's such a thing as a miracle recovery, 
you ought to see my wife get well again every time I start to 
vacuum the windows. 
* 
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command 
radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when 
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any 
friendly bears listening?" 
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly 
bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!" 
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his 
microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for 
fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there 
was silence for about ten seconds. 
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are 
you?" 
* 
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, 
eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." 
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. 
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." 
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the 
gloves. 
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties.." 
* 
As the Father laid on the couch watching cable TV, his son, 
all dressed for Church entered the room. "Dad ?" he said, "I 
have a question." 
"What's that boy ?" replied the Father, never even removing 
his eyes from the screen. 
"When am I going to be old enough not to go to Church 
either?" 
* 
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country 
preacher talked 
at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, 
and what a loving 
husband and kind father he was. 
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children - 
"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa." 
* 
Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter 
protested - 
"Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that 
coat?" 
Her mother glared back at her and said... 
"Don't you dare talk about your father that way!" 
* 
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the 
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not 
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he 
was right about that too." 
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of 
that?" 
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him." 
* 
I have two sons, ages 8 and 4, and they were discussing 
Adam and Eve. 
The 8-year-old asked, "How did Adam and Eve die?" 
And the 4-year-old said, "They ate bad fruit." 
* 
An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began 
passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. 
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new 
diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced... 
"It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!" 
* 
The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while 
her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars. 
"Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed. 
"Not likely," replied the blonde groom - "my mother told me that this 
would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of 
it!" 
* 
After a truly harrowing divorce, the husband took some time 
off, wandering the western states on his motorcycle. 
One night, sitting by himself in the ranching town's only bar, 
he stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." 
Hearing this, the bartender cautioned him: "Mister, you gotta 
watch that kind of language around here. You're in horse 
country." 
* 
A bar patron ordered a Manhattan. When served there was a 
piece of parsley floating in the glass. 
"What in the world is this?" asked the man. 
The bartender replied, "Central Park." 
* 
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday 
afternoon down by the river. 
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to 
the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk 
and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" 
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am." 
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls 
him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher 
asked. 
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. 
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, 
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found 
Jesus?" 
"Noooo, I did not Reverend." 
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a 
harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" 
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are 
you sure this is where he fell in?" 
* 
A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the 
"Atlantic Monthly": 
At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. 
Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move 
the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat 
back again. 
Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat. 
By then, the cold is probably cured. 
* 
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but 
didn't quite make it. 
She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the 
father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." 
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born 
on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: 
"Greens Fee: $200." 
* 
I was at the store the other day when the manager nabbed a 
shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the 
office when the shoplifter broke away and tried to run. 
After a scuffle, the manager pinned the guy against the wall. 
He looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring 
at him. 
"It's ok, folks, everything's fine," he reassured them. "This 
guy just tried going through the express line with more than 
nine items." 
* 
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why 
she was there, 
she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." 
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, 
Mrs. Smith, 
but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control 
pills?" 
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." 
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth 
control pills help you to sleep?" 
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep 
better at night!" 
* 
A couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. 
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the 
minister asked their young son what they were having. 
"Goat," the little boy replied. 
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure 
about that?" 
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as 
well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'" 
* 
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a 
lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and 
showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. 
Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins 
with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" 
Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!" 
* 
Jon was talking to Amanpreet. 
"So, Preet, how's it going with the ladies?" 
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects." 
"Really?" 
"Yep," Preet shook his head. "Whenever I mention sex, they 
object." 
* 
An old man was a witness in a burglary case. 
The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client 
commit this burglary?" 
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods." 
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. 
Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" 
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it." 
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old 
and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see 
at night?" 
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?" 
* 
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of 
children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, 
while the young husband said two would be enough for him. 
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the 
husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, 
"After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." 
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I 
hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own." 
* 
A man was praying to God. 
He said, "God!?" 
God responded, "Yes?" 
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" 
"Go right ahead," God said. 
"God, what is a million years to you?" 
God said, "A million years to me is only a second." 
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars 
worth to you?" 
God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny." 
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" 
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second." 
* 
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at 
the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I 
thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your 
really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at 
all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did 
that can help us make a decision?" 
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 
"Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who 
was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got 
out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He 
was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body 
and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring 
out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop 
bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" 
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this 
happen?" 
"About two minutes ago," came the reply. 
* 
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. 
After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. 
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." 
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer 
books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. 
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then 
asked how much it was. 
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." 
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and 
a thank you note from the police officer. 
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how 
much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." 
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in 
front of the door. 
* 
There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, 
so she decided to dye her hair black. 
So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and 
drove around just to show off her new look. She was coming up to this 
intersection when she saw a shepeherd by the road waiting to cross with 
his flock of lambs. The girl stopped and waved him to pass. 
While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd - 
"If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?" 
He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. 
The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed "487". 
The shepherd said "WOW! That's right...well...take any sheep you like...a 
deal's a deal" 
So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car, 
when the shepherd says "WAIT! 
Now I have a deal for you.... 
if I guess the REAL color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" 
* 
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, 
"If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." 
The girl kept walking. 
Following along slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me 
and I'll give you two lolly pops!" 
She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. 
The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of 
lollypops!" 
Finally, the girl turned and said - 
"Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!" 
* 
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a 
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay 
the high prices the local vendors were asking. 
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the 
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I 
can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" 
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. 
maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" 
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching 
herself an alligator. 
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young 
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. 
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. 
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it 
on to the swamp bank. 
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. 
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the 
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!" 
* 
Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, 
Ind., are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. 
A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a 
basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," 
etc. 
One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. 
Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always 
lost by one point?" 
* 
A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex". 
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, 
adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and 
Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ." 
And he sat back down. 
* 
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who 
led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted 
him in a firm embrace. 
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your 
fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." 
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion 
meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment." 
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?" 
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries 
which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. 
Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations 
between God and the prophets of old? 
I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of 
memories over time." 
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and 
explained how to retrieve the various documents. 
The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's 
relationship with God. 
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. 
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. 
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a 
parchment, repeating over and over - 
There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!" 
* 
Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor 
party ever. There were hookers and strippers, tons of food, 
and best of all, some great porno flicks. 
Feeling the beer, Bob's dad stands up and hollers to get 
everyone's attention. 
"I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I'm so glad I could 
be here with you on the happiest day of your life." 
"But, Pop," Bob said, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!" 
Bob's dad interrupted and said, "Like I said, I'm so glad I could 
be here with you on the happiest day of your life." 
* 
A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone. 
He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he 
is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property. 
Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, 
but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers. 
He looks down, sees a snail there. 
The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, - 
"GEEZ BUDDY - WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" 
* 
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a 
box of laundry detergent. 
The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a 
lot of laundry to do. 
"No laundry" the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." 
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you 
wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." 
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter 
and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. 
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. 
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 
"Oh, he died," the boy said. 
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog 
died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." 
The boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." 
"Oh, what was it then?" 
"I think it was the spin cycle!" 
* 
An ugly man met an old woman while traveling through a 
forest. 
The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw." 
"I can't help it," the ugly man said. 
"No, I guess not," the woman admitted, "but the least you 
could do is stay at home." 
* 
In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon 
with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous 
haired model. 
She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and 
settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune 
and got to work on her thin, graying hair. 
Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she 
recognized the melody. 
It was the theme from "Mission Impossible." 
* 
The parson had been disturbed by a person who was a fast 
reader. "We shall now read the Twenty-Third Psalm -- in *unison*." 
He paused. 
"Will the lady who is always 'by the still waters' while the rest 
of us are 'in the green pastures', please wait a minute until we 
catch up?" 
* 
When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to 
move. As part of the preparations, she went to see her 
doctor and get all her charts. 
The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him 
the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder 
and slower, etc., etc., etc. 
He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things 
to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" 
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, 
"Anyone who's 99." 
* 
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS 
agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of 
$80,000 for the year. 
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. 
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place 
is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I 
made $80,000?" 
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's 
these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and 
your wife." 
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -- we 
also deliver." 
* 
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City 
Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning 
to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, 
and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did 
she threaten to kill ya?" 
"No," replied the nervous immigrant. 
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?" 
"No." 
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?" 
"No." 
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" 
asked the exasperated police officer. 
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna 
poison me!" 
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police 
officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to 
laugh out loud. 
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? 
Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?" 
* 
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one 
thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a 
way of saving money. 
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who 
suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars. 
* 
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened 
upon a frog in a pond. 
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil 
witch put a spell on me. 
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, 
move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my 
clothes, 
bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." 
That night, while the princess dined on "Frog Legs", 
she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so!" 
* 
Two older women, Judi and Monika, who were rivals in a 
social circle met at a party. 
"My dear," said Monika, "Are those real pearls?" 
"They are," replied Judi. 
"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite 
them," smiled Lady Monika. 
Judi responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth." 
* 
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of 
his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what 
happened. 
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that 
acts up once in a while." 
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played football." 
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the 
Superbowl. I put my foot through the television." 
* 
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of 
the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and 
left for dead. 
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students 
would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you 
saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, 
what would you do?" 
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd 
throw up." 
* 
Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the 
same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. 
They rode on the elevator together at the end of an 
unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely 
done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior 
was fresh as a daisy. 
"I don't understand," he marvelled, "how you can listen to 
complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like 
this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?" 
The older analyst replied, "Who listens?" 
* 
"Uh Oh!" said an ardent young man reading a letter. 
His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?" 
"Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man. "It's from 
someone who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill 
me." 
"In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife." 
"Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous." 
* 
Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard 
over the radio at an airport control tower: 
Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1." 
Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding 
at 3000 over that pad!" 
There


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## tokkalosh (May 25, 2006)

223 views but no answers :roll: 

Maybe it was just tooooo long Steve :lol: :lol:


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## artona (Jan 19, 2006)

Hi Steve

I have read and re-read the story of the pig and the dalmation but I just don't get it. What does the monkey have to do with it

stew :?


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## Rapide561 (Oct 1, 2005)

*Jokes*

Hi Steve

Good effort - some corkers here!

RW


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## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

Damn, I was going for the record.

Erm, which one Stew? It is a while since I did this and do not fancy reading them all again

Steve


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## 96105 (Aug 23, 2005)

[quote:ab756305b0="stevercar"]Every time you are feeling low come back to this thread and have a laugh :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, 
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five 
men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand 
fishes.'" 
A member of the flock snicked at the preacher's snafu, raised 
his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that." 
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he 
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly, "And 
they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two 
fishes." Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could 
you do that, Mr. Perkins?" 
The member of the flock said, "I sure could." 
"How would you do it?" 
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!" 
* 
Two blondes are waiting on a bus stop, when a bus pulls up 
and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside and asks 
the driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" 
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry." 
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles and twitters: "Will 
it take ME?" 
* 
Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were 
discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from 
New York City said, "Well, I have discovered men are all 
alike!" 
Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped 
the table. "Gal," she said, "men are all Ah like, too!" 
* 
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and 
stops them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are 
phony. 
He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use 
the words liver and cheese in a sentence." 
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for 
lunch." 
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he 
asks the second guy. 
He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine." 
* 
An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious 
womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. "Turn the car 
round," he ordered. The driver promptly stalled the car. By the 
time he had re-started it, the girl had vanished. 
"Driver," said the major, "you'd be a total loss in an 
emergency." 
"I thought I did pretty well," the driver said. "That was my girl." 
* 
Judi walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line 
for the counter. 
Once she gets to the head of the line, she loudly says, 
"I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke." 
The librarian looks at her for a moment. Then whispers 
to Judi, "Ma'am, this is the library." 
Judi nods. Then she *whispers*, "I'd like a Big Mac, large 
fries, and a large Coke." 
* 
Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes 
up with the slogan, 
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave." 
The second one tries to improve on that with, 
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb." 
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, 
"From the sperm to the worm." 
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and 
almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, 
"From the erection to the resurrection." 
* 
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and 
sidles up to the bar and announces: 
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!" 
* 
From a cruise ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man 
on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. 
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain. 
"I have no idea..... but every year when we pass, he goes 
nuts." 
* 
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were 
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament 
victories. 
After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office 
and asked them to disperse. "But why?, they asked, as they moved 
off. 
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an 
open foyer." 
* 
A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones 
connected to her walkman. 
She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off 
her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would 
look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he 
picked them up and lifted them slightly. 
Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked 
up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a 
recorded voice was saying "Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, 
Breathe Out." 
* 
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the 
yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" 
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are 
you?" 
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I 
was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" 
* 
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the 
president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen 
and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters 
asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a 
series of weird noises...."screech, scratch, honk, buzz, 
whistle, z-z-z-z-"...and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I 
had a very nice flight." 
Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the 
Washington Monument while you're in the area?" 
The chief made the same noises..."screech, scratch, honk, 
buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z"...and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to 
visit the White House and the Capitol Building." 
"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked 
the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, 
buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z...from the short-wave radio." 
* 
A doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one pill a day 
and one drink of whiskey to improve his stamina. A month 
later, when Mrs. Stone came in for another visit, the doctor 
asked, "How are we doing with the pill and the whiskey?" 
Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behind with the pills, 
but he's about six months ahead with the whiskey." 
* 
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted 
to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer 
him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in 
the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." 
John said that he would prefer the floor. 
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a 
gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?" 
"I'm Baby, and who are you?" 
"I'm stupid," he said. 
* 
Little Johnny was walking along the railroad tracks when 
suddenly he got his foot caught under one of the railroad ties. 
He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. As he struggled to 
free his foot, he heard a noise and turned around. To his horror 
he saw a train coming. 
Panicked he started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of 
these tracks and I'll stop being bad!" 
Nothing happened, his foot was still stuck. He looked up to 
see the train getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get 
my foot out and I'll stop swearing AND being bad!" 
Still nothing his foot was wedged tight. The train was just 
seconds away! Little Johnny struggled frantically as the train's 
horn blared. 
Just as the train was about to hit Johnny, his foot broke free 
and he fell backwards, the train narrowly missing him. He got 
up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks 
anyway God, I got it myself." 
* 
The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation. 
Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver 
frantically waved his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have 
your job for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs. 
"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied the unruffled officer as 
he wrote out the citation. "The hours are long, the pay is low, 
and you meet some of the nastiest people." 
* 
A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit 
his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled 
him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific 
struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when 
he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. 
He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a 
concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And 
somebody was standing in front of the 'S'!" 
* 
One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her 
mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?" 
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something 
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white. 
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said... 
"Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?" 
* 
A drunk looks up from his drink and says, "Bartender, I have 
to go. Which way is the bathroom?" 
The bartender points out the direction, and as the man 
staggers off, he says, "While you're there, go for me too." 
The drunk returns, sits down, then says, "Damn ! I forgot 
something." 
Then, minutes later, returns again and says, "Hey bartender, 
you didn't have to go." 
* 
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys 
holding a list. 
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, 
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and 
a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." 
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a 
challenging hunt?" 
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend." 
* 
It was one of those cloudy, hot days in Texas. The poor little 
commuter plane was being bounced around all over the sky. 
The pilot came on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, 
we are encountering some pretty bad turbulence, but don't worry. 
Should anything go wrong, you'll know immediately. Our co-pilot 
will become hysterical." 
* 
A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping 
mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting 
ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts 
and a spaghetti string top. 
An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband 
over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the 
mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they 
were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style. 
He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to 
say about that, too!" 
"Yes dear," she said, "you did . . . you asked me for my 
phone number!" 
* 
"What happened to you?" asked the bystander to the man 
lying on the sidewalk outside the beauty parlor. 
The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised 
chin. "Last thing I remember was my wife came out of the 
beauty salon. I took a look at her and said, 'Well, honey, at 
least you tried,' and then it was lights out . . . " 
* 
A playboy falls in love with a showgirl and lavishes everything 
on her. He buys her expensive clothes, jewelry and even a 
new car. Then one day, he proposes. 
The showgirl answers, "Me marry you? No way! The way you 
throw your money around???" 
* 
The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. 
On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he 
picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left 
a note on our dining-room table with my new number and 
this message: "For a good time, call 555-1234." 
When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. 
"Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get my note?" 
"Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who 
wrote it." 
* 
One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university 
his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are 
moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will 
be empty." 
Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated 
that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we 
were moving to?" 
He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you 
see a moving van here today, little girl?" 
"Yes," she replied. 
"Would you know which way it went?" 
She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you." 
* 
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that 
he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special 
case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several 
minutes, the older worker had had enough. 
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. 
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a 
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to 
wheel back." 
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you 
got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the 
handles. 
Then, nodding to the young man, he said... 
"All right. Get in."! 
* 
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. 
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" 
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting 
these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most 
mornings." 
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the 
mother and says, "Well,I don't know how to tell you this but 
your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess." 
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever 
been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" 
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" 
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. 
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there 
something wrong out there doctor?" 
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last 
time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east 
and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm 
going to miss it this time!" 
* 
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank 
manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who 
I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." 
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be 
tried as soon as we catch him." 
* 
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards. 
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind 
some bushes with a gun. 
The masked man said "Give me all your money!" 
Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm 
the President!" The man then replied,... 
"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!" 
* 
"Father Reilly," the Mother Superior reported, "I just thought 
you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent." 
"Oh good," the priest replied, "I was really getting tired of the 
Chablis." 
* 
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra 
and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She 
entered an upscale department store and approached the 
saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" 
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the 
store and proceeded to another department store where she is 
rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another 
department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. 
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. 
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw 
open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" 
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried 
Clearasil?" 
* 
A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet. 
The local kid: 
"My mom was born in California! 
Where was your mom born?" 
The other kid answers, "Alaska". 
The first one replies: 
"Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!" 
* 
Why is 6 scared of 7 ? 
Because 7 ate nine! 
* 
A Horse walks into a bar: 
"Hey buddy," says the bartender, "why the long face?" 
* 
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and 
grandpa Morris gets out. 
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman 
said that he was lost in the park ... and couldn't find his way 
home. 
"Oy Morris," said grandma, " You've been going to that park 
for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?" 
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't 
hear. Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't. I was just too tired 
to walk home." 
* 
New Yorkers are a breed apart. A man was mugged but had 
no cash. Afraid he'd be hurt, he offered to write the guy a 
check. 
The mugger said dumbfounded, "A check? Why would I take a 
check from you? I don't even know you!" 
* 
A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the 
check. Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over 
and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect. 
The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was 
indeed correct. 
"Are you trying to make a fool out of me ?" he huffed. 
"Oh sir. Not in the least. I never interfere with nature." 
* 
"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new 
job?" 
"It's the worst job I ever had." 
"How long have you been there?" 
"About three months." 
"Why don't you quit?" 
"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked 
forward to going home." 
* 
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason 
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked 
what was wrong. 
"Nothing," said the woman. 
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" 
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked 
and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's 
Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." 
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten 
a Father's Day gift." 
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother." 
* 
Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in 
England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a 
sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow. 
The Italian was first: 
"I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and 
I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day." 
The Spanish was next: 
"I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the 
evening I watch the pink panther on TV." 
Last was the French: 
"I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green...green...", I pink up 
the phone and I say "Yellow ?..." 
* 
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several 
night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant 
fresh from Jump School. 
He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a 
conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked. 
He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive." 
I asked, "What's the difference?" 
He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university 
education." 
* 
Judi's car wasn't the most reliable in the world and she 
called Amanpreet whenever it broke down and she needed 
a ride. One day Preet got such a call. 
"What happened this time?" he asked. 
"My brakes went out. Can you come and get me?" 
"Sure. Where are you?" 
"I'm in the drugstore?" 
"Where's the car at?" 
"In here with me." 
* 
Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, 
recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic 
because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's 
only bar. 
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. 
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her 
house and left it there all night. 
* 
Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's 
an accident. 
Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be 
tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness." 
"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?" 
Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!" 
"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary. 
"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the 
beer vat and drowned!" 
"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he 
couldn't swim a lick!" 
"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a 
lie. He got out three times ta pee!" 
* 
Two groups charter a double decker bus for a weekend trip to 
Atlantic City. One group is all brunette and the other is 
all blonde. 
Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the 
brunettes hang out on the bottom level. 
The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and 
having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't 
hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go 
and check on them. 
When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes 
frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat 
in front of them. 
"Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here? We're having a GREAT 
time downstairs!" 
One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, 
"Yeah, but you guys have a driver!" 
* 
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about 
being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he 
asked, "Where do you want to go?" 
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out. 
"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the 
preacher. 
"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny. 
* 
An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew. 
Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would 
seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and 
tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He 
played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours 
trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he 
threw the parrot into the freezer. 
"There," he said. "Maybe he'll cool off in there." 
For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that 
freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. 
A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, "If you 
would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory 
vocabulary." 
Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the 
chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot 
spoke. 
"If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?" 
* 
Father visiting America, from Europe, for the very first time. 
Goes up & down the aisles with his son, at the local Giant 
Food Store. 
Dad: "Vas diss?? Powdered orange juice??" 
Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have 
fresh orange juice." 
A few minutes later, in a different aisle 
Dad: "Und vas dis?? Powdered milk?" 
Son: "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have 
fresh milk!" 
A few minutes later, in a different aisle 
Dad: "Und give a look here!! Baby Powder !! Vat a country, 
vat a country!" 
* 
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side 
of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse 
named Benny. 
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So 
he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. 
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." 
Benny didn't move. 
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." 
Still, Benny didn't move. 
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." 
Benny just stood. 
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, 
"Okay, Benny, pull." 
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. 
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he 
called his horse by the wrong name three times. 
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only 
one pulling he wouldn't even try." 
* 
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the 
obstetrician. 
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't 
get along." 
* 
My three-year-old daughter and I went shopping with my 
mother. A rather large woman, Mom sometimes has a tough 
time finding just the right fit. When my mother picked out a 
yellow suit, my daughter went into the dressing room with 
her. A moment later Mom asked her how she liked the outfit. 
My daughter replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty---just like 
a big yellow school bus." 
* 
Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because 
she was prejudiced. 
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I 
knew that he was guilty as sin." 
"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney." 
* 
A loud American, looking for properties to buy out in Australia is in the 
bar of the Railway Hotel. 
"Yeah, ma'am" he says to the barmaid " ah'm looking to buy me a ranch- 
stations, you call them, so they tell me. Ah come from Texas and ah'm 
looking for a big spread because where I come from in Texas, everythang is 
BIG. Why, do you know, mah ranch in Texas is so big, it takes a whole week 
to ride around it on a horse?" 
"Yeah?" says a wizened station hand sitting at the bar. "If we had a horse 
like that we'd turn it into glue." 
* 
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case 
involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't 
true. 
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. 
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is 
sentenced to 30 days." 
* 
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the 
politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the 
dressing table. 
"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20." 
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. 
"You can't make a living on that." 
"Oh, don't worry," the girl replied. "I do a little blackmail on 
the side!" 
* 
A very homely young woman made an appointment with a 
psychiatrist. 
She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed 
and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near 
me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my 
ugliness?" 
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie 
face down on that couch." 
* 
A patient complained to his doctor, "I've been to three other 
doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis." 
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then 
they'll see that I was right." 
* 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, 
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his 
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 
"Jesus is watching you." 
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. 
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised 
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back 
on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo 
out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 
"Jesus is watching you." 
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source 
of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came 
to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. 
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." 
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 
"Moses," replied the bird. 
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name 
a parrot Moses?" 
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that 
would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"! 
* 
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. 
"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to 
start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon 
as he gets back." 
"Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' 
boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." 
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's 
so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes 
now!" 
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, 
"Audi, partners!" 
* 
Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy 
preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or 
English saddle. 
Judi asked what the difference was. 
"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't." 
"Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into 
too much traffic out here." 
* 
A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. 
They were supposed to swim the English Channel. 
A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish 
line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They 
waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked 
her what had taken her so long. 
The blonde was very upset as she screamed, "This was supposed to be a 
breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!" 
* 
The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly 
flushed, had been the life of the party. 
"John," she said, "did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, 
and how handsome you are?" 
"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife, "I don't think anyone 
ever did" 
"Well," she snapped, "then where did you ever get the idea?!!!" 
* 
Employed by the human-development center of a corporation 
in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress 
codes and etiquette. 
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man 
casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. 
Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little 
casually today, aren't we?" 
The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company." 
* 
The preacher came by the other day. He told me At your 
age, and after all that you have seen in your life, 
it would be refreshing to think a bit more about the afterlife". 
I told him: "After all that I've seen in my life, the only refreshing 
thing I believe in at my age is an after-eight" 
* 
Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their 
common problem with bats in the belfry of the church? 
The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the 
woodwork." 
The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing 
them 100 miles away. But they beat me back to the church!" 
The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and baptized and 
confirmed each one... 
I haven't seen them since!" 
* 
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon 
a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a 
dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he 
went over and asked them what they were doing. 
One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood 
stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of 
us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever 
one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today." 
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be 
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched 
into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you 
boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I 
was your age, I never told a lie." 
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the 
Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to 
them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, 
"give him the dog." 
* 
Two cannibals meet one day... 
The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender 
Missionary. 
I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, 
I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender." 
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" 
The reply, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of 
the river. 
They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're 
sort of bald 
on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." 
"Ah, Ha!" the second cannibal replies, "No wonder--those are fryers!" 
* 
A zebra dies goes to heaven. 
When checking in, he tells St. Peter, "Say, I have always wanted to know 
if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes." 
St. Peter, "I can't answer that question... 
but see God walking around over there? Ask him." 
Zebra to God, "God, am I white with black stripes or black with white 
stripes?" 
God looks at the zebra sagely and states, "You are what you are." 
Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter. 
What did He say," asks S.P. 
"Oh,," replies the zebra. "He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still 
don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes." 
"Oh, that's easy," says S.P. "You are white with black stripes." 
"How do you know?" asks the zebra. "Well," says S.P., 
"if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'" 
* 
A doctor says to his patient: "I have bad news and worse news". 
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient. 
The doctor replies: "You have only 24 hours to live." 
"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?" 
The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday." 
* 
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast." 
* 
"Dad, will you help me with my homework?" 
"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right." 
"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try." 
* 
Once upon at time there were three Moles. 
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. 
They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. 
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, 
"Mmmmm, I smell sausage. 
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, 
"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes." 
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't 
because of the two bigger moles. 
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses!" 
* 
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin 
phrase, "Tuti homini" - Blessed be mankind. 
A women's rights group approached the pope the next day. 
They noticed that the pope had blessed all of mankind, but 
not womankind. So the next day, after his sermon, the pope 
concluded by saying, "Tuti homini, et tuti femini" - Blessed be 
mankind and womankind. 
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the pope. They 
said that they noticed that he had blessed mankind and 
womankind, and asked if he could also bless those who are gay. 
The pope said, "Sure." 
The next day, the pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti 
homeni, et tuti femini, et tuti fruiti." 
* 
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. 
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. 
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you 
going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" 
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" 
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for 
panda: 
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black 
and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." 
* 
One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry 
when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could 
tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. 
But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered 
down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he 
went to the door, and I let him out. 
The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the 
hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several 
weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every 
afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." 
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his 
collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to 
catch up on his sleep." 
* 
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put 
his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. 
Even with her pulling and pushing the boots just didn't want 
to go on. By the time she'd got the second boot on, she'd 
worked up a sweat. 
That's when the little boy said, "Mrs. Smith, they're on the 
wrong feet." 
She looked, and sure enough, they were. 
It wasn't any easier getting them back off and re-put upon the 
correct feet. That's when the little boy said, "These aren't 
my boots." 
She bit her tongue and managed to keep her cool as together 
they worked 'em back off. He said, "They're my brother's. 
My mom made me wear them." 
Mrs. Smith didn't know whether to laugh or cry. But she 
mustered up the courage one more time to wrestle those 
boots on his feet again. "Now," she said, "where are your 
mittens?" 
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots." 
* 
A Pastor was called to a local nursing home to perform a 
wedding. An anxious old man met him at the door. The 
pastor sat down to counsel the old man and asked 
several questions. "Do you love her?" 
The old man replied, "Nope." 
"Is she a good Christian woman?" 
"I don't know for sure," the old man answered. 
"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor. 
"I doubt it." 
"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked. 
"Cause she can drive at night," the old man said. 
* 
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down 
Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"... 
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels 
in jail until the chief gets back. So DON'T SAY ANOTHER WORD!" 
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"... 
"HEY - I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the 
officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's 
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!" 
* 
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. 
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. 
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. 
"Are you kidding?" she says. . . 
"He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!" 
* 
A housewife called up a pet store and said, "Send me thirty 
thousand cockroaches at once." 
"What in the world do you want with thirty thousand 
cockroaches?" asked the astonished clerk. 
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease 
says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition 
I found it." 
* 
Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make 
sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the 
definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she 
asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal 
meant you saved something. 
Her paper read: "Frugal: to save." 
Sentence: "Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking 
in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. 
She yelled 'Frugal me, Frugal me!'" 
* 
Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and he spied a 
matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. 
He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?" 
"Yes." she replied. 
"Do you read your Bible every day?" 
She nodded her head, "Yes." 
"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she 
answered, "Yes." 
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my 
quarter while I go swimming?" 
* 
We were all celebrating our friend's 80th birthday when the 
mail arrived. In the mail was a summons for my friend to 
appear for jury duty. 
My friend called the court clerk. "I received a jury duty 
summons, but I have an age exemption." 
The clerk said, "Ma'am, you need to fill out an exemption form 
to be granted the exemption." 
"I did that last year." 
"Ma'am, you have to do it every year." 
"Why? I'm not going to get any younger." 
* 
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. 
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." 
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?" 
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said - 
"she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education!" 
* 
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not 
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, 
and neither wanted to concede their position. 
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband 
sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" 
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family. 
* 
"If your wife doesn't feel well, gentlemen, do what I do to speed 
her recovery -- offer to help with the housework. 
If you don't think there's such a thing as a miracle recovery, 
you ought to see my wife get well again every time I start to 
vacuum the windows. 
* 
On a military training exercise, the British divisional command 
radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when 
breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any 
friendly bears listening?" 
After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly 
bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!" 
At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his 
microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for 
fooling around on an radio link. When he had finished, there 
was silence for about ten seconds. 
Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are 
you?" 
* 
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, 
eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." 
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. 
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." 
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the 
gloves. 
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties.." 
* 
As the Father laid on the couch watching cable TV, his son, 
all dressed for Church entered the room. "Dad ?" he said, "I 
have a question." 
"What's that boy ?" replied the Father, never even removing 
his eyes from the screen. 
"When am I going to be old enough not to go to Church 
either?" 
* 
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country 
preacher talked 
at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, 
and what a loving 
husband and kind father he was. 
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children - 
"Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa." 
* 
Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter 
protested - 
"Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that 
coat?" 
Her mother glared back at her and said... 
"Don't you dare talk about your father that way!" 
* 
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the 
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not 
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he 
was right about that too." 
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of 
that?" 
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him." 
* 
I have two sons, ages 8 and 4, and they were discussing 
Adam and Eve. 
The 8-year-old asked, "How did Adam and Eve die?" 
And the 4-year-old said, "They ate bad fruit." 
* 
An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began 
passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. 
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new 
diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced... 
"It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!" 
* 
The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while 
her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars. 
"Come to bed, darling," she whispered after some time had passed. 
"Not likely," replied the blonde groom - "my mother told me that this 
would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of 
it!" 
* 
After a truly harrowing divorce, the husband took some time 
off, wandering the western states on his motorcycle. 
One night, sitting by himself in the ranching town's only bar, 
he stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." 
Hearing this, the bartender cautioned him: "Mister, you gotta 
watch that kind of language around here. You're in horse 
country." 
* 
A bar patron ordered a Manhattan. When served there was a 
piece of parsley floating in the glass. 
"What in the world is this?" asked the man. 
The bartender replied, "Central Park." 
* 
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday 
afternoon down by the river. 
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to 
the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk 
and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" 
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am." 
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls 
him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher 
asked. 
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. 
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, 
brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found 
Jesus?" 
"Noooo, I did not Reverend." 
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 
seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a 
harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" 
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are 
you sure this is where he fell in?" 
* 
A remedy for the common cold suggested by Dr. Richard Gordon, from the 
"Atlantic Monthly": 
At the first sign of a cold, go to bed with a bottle of whiskey and a hat. 
Place the hat on the left-hand bedpost. Take a drink of whiskey and move 
the hat to the right-hand bedpost. Take another drink and shift the hat 
back again. 
Continue this until you drink the whiskey but fail to move the hat. 
By then, the cold is probably cured. 
* 
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but 
didn't quite make it. 
She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the 
father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." 
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born 
on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: 
"Greens Fee: $200." 
* 
I was at the store the other day when the manager nabbed a 
shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the 
office when the shoplifter broke away and tried to run. 
After a scuffle, the manager pinned the guy against the wall. 
He looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring 
at him. 
"It's ok, folks, everything's fine," he reassured them. "This 
guy just tried going through the express line with more than 
nine items." 
* 
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why 
she was there, 
she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." 
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, 
Mrs. Smith, 
but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control 
pills?" 
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." 
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth 
control pills help you to sleep?" 
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep 
better at night!" 
* 
A couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. 
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the 
minister asked their young son what they were having. 
"Goat," the little boy replied. 
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure 
about that?" 
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as 
well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'" 
* 
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a 
lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and 
showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. 
Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins 
with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" 
Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!" 
* 
Jon was talking to Amanpreet. 
"So, Preet, how's it going with the ladies?" 
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects." 
"Really?" 
"Yep," Preet shook his head. "Whenever I mention sex, they 
object." 
* 
An old man was a witness in a burglary case. 
The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client 
commit this burglary?" 
"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods." 
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. 
Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" 
"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it." 
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old 
and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see 
at night?" 
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?" 
* 
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of 
children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, 
while the young husband said two would be enough for him. 
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the 
husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, 
"After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." 
Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I 
hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own." 
* 
A man was praying to God. 
He said, "God!?" 
God responded, "Yes?" 
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?" 
"Go right ahead," God said. 
"God, what is a million years to you?" 
God said, "A million years to me is only a second." 
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars 
worth to you?" 
God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny." 
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?" 
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second." 
* 
A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at 
the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I 
thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your 
really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at 
all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did 
that can help us make a decision?" 
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 
"Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who 
was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got 
out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He 
was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body 
and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring 
out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop 
bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" 
"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this 
happen?" 
"About two minutes ago," came the reply. 
* 
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. 
After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. 
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." 
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer 
books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. 
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then 
asked how much it was. 
The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." 
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and 
a thank you note from the police officer. 
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how 
much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." 
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in 
front of the door. 
* 
There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, 
so she decided to dye her hair black. 
So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and 
drove around just to show off her new look. She was coming up to this 
intersection when she saw a shepeherd by the road waiting to cross with 
his flock of lambs. The girl stopped and waved him to pass. 
While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd - 
"If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?" 
He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. 
The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed "487". 
The shepherd said "WOW! That's right...well...take any sheep you like...a 
deal's a deal" 
So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car, 
when the shepherd says "WAIT! 
Now I have a deal for you.... 
if I guess the REAL color of your hair, can I have my dog back?" 
* 
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said, 
"If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." 
The girl kept walking. 
Following along slowly, the man said, "Come on and get in the car with me 
and I'll give you two lolly pops!" 
She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. 
The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of 
lollypops!" 
Finally, the girl turned and said - 
"Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!" 
* 
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a 
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay 
the high prices the local vendors were asking. 
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the 
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I 
can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" 
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. 
maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" 
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching 
herself an alligator. 
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young 
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. 
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. 
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it 
on to the swamp bank. 
Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. 
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the 
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!" 
* 
Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, 
Ind., are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. 
A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a 
basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," 
etc. 
One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. 
Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always 
lost by one point?" 
* 
A professor was asked to give a talk on "Sex". 
When his turn came, he stood, walked to the podium, 
adjusted the microphone just so. He said, "Ladies and 
Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure . . ." 
And he sat back down. 
* 
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who 
led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted 
him in a firm embrace. 
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your 
fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." 
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion 
meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment." 
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?" 
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries 
which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. 
Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations 
between God and the prophets of old? 
I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of 
memories over time." 
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and 
explained how to retrieve the various documents. 
The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's 
relationship with God. 
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. 
Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. 
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a 
parchment, repeating over and over - 
There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!" 
* 
Bob's father and friends were throwing him the best bachelor 
party ever. There were hookers and strippers, tons of food, 
and best of all, some great porno flicks. 
Feeling the beer, Bob's dad stands up and hollers to get 
everyone's attention. 
"I want to propose a toast to my son! Bob, I'm so glad I could 
be here with you on the happiest day of your life." 
"But, Pop," Bob said, I'm not getting married until tomorrow!" 
Bob's dad interrupted and said, "Like I said, I'm so glad I could 
be here with you on the happiest day of your life." 
* 
A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone. 
He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he 
is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property. 
Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, 
but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers. 
He looks down, sees a snail there. 
The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, - 
"GEEZ BUDDY - WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" 
* 
A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a 
box of laundry detergent. 
The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a 
lot of laundry to do. 
"No laundry" the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." 
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you 
wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." 
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter 
and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. 
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. 
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 
"Oh, he died," the boy said. 
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog 
died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." 
The boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." 
"Oh, what was it then?" 
"I think it was the spin cycle!" 
* 
An ugly man met an old woman while traveling through a 
forest. 
The old woman said, "You're the ugliest man I ever saw." 
"I can't help it," the ugly man said. 
"No, I guess not," the woman admitted, "but the least you 
could do is stay at home." 
* 
In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon 
with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous 
haired model. 
She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and 
settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune 
and got to work on her thin, graying hair. 
Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she 
recognized the melody. 
It was the theme from "Mission Impossible." 
* 
The parson had been disturbed by a person who was a fast 
reader. "We shall now read the Twenty-Third Psalm -- in *unison*." 
He paused. 
"Will the lady who is always 'by the still waters' while the rest 
of us are 'in the green pastures', please wait a minute until we 
catch up?" 
* 
When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to 
move. As part of the preparations, she went to see her 
doctor and get all her charts. 
The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him 
the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder 
and slower, etc., etc., etc. 
He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things 
to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" 
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, 
"Anyone who's 99." 
* 
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS 
agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of 
$80,000 for the year. 
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. 
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place 
is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I 
made $80,000?" 
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's 
these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and 
your wife." 
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you -- we 
also deliver." 
* 
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City 
Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning 
to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, 
and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did 
she threaten to kill ya?" 
"No," replied the nervous immigrant. 
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?" 
"No." 
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?" 
"No." 
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" 
asked the exasperated police officer. 
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna 
poison me!" 
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police 
officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to 
laugh out loud. 
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? 
Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?" 
* 
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one 
thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a 
way of saving money. 
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who 
suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars. 
* 
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened 
upon a frog in a pond. 
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil 
witch put a spell on me. 
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, 
move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my 
clothes, 
bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." 
That night, while the princess dined on "Frog Legs", 
she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so!" 
* 
Two older women, Judi and Monika, who were rivals in a 
social circle met at a party. 
"My dear," said Monika, "Are those real pearls?" 
"They are," replied Judi. 
"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite 
them," smiled Lady Monika. 
Judi responded "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth." 
* 
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of 
his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what 
happened. 
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old football injury that 
acts up once in a while." 
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played football." 
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the 
Superbowl. I put my foot through the television." 
* 
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of 
the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and 
left for dead. 
She described the situation in vivid detail so her students 
would catch the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you 
saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, 
what would you do?" 
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence. "I think I'd 
throw up." 
* 
Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the 
same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. 
They rode on the elevator together at the end of an 
unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely 
done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior 
was fresh as a daisy. 
"I don't understand," he marvelled, "how you can listen to 
complaining patients from morning till night, on a day like 
this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?" 
The older analyst replied, "Who listens?" 
* 
"Uh Oh!" said an ardent young man reading a letter. 
His friend, standing near him, said, "Bad news?" 
"Disturbing news, anyway," said the young man. "It's from 
someone who says if I don't stay away from his wife, he'll kill 
me." 
"In that case, if I were you, I would stay away from his wife." 
"Gladly, but who? The letter is anonymous." 
* 
Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard 
over the radio at an airport control tower: 
Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1." 
Second voice: "NO!!! You can't be doing that! I'm holding 
a


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