# Missing life in the Royal Navy?



## Spacerunner (Mar 18, 2006)

MISSING ROYAL NAVY LIFE ?

1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe, fit a thin mattress and sleep on top of it.
2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is too small.
3. Wash your socks and underpants in the bathroom sink every night, then hang them on the water pipes to dry.
4. Four hours after you have gone to bed, instruct your wife to whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your face and say, "Sorry mate, wrong pit!"
5. When you have a shower, remember to turn the water off when you soap. 5a. When you turn on water in the house shout “Turning on” and when you turn water off in the house shout “Turning off”.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking-chair and rock as hard as you can until you are violently sick.
7. Put diesel oil into a humidifier and set it on high to achieve that unmistakeable ship's aroma.
8. Don't watch TV except for a movie at 2030. For added realism, have the family vote for which movie to have and then select a different one.
9. Leave a lawnmower running in the house to re-create correct noise levels.
10.Have the postman or paperboy give you a haircut fortnightly.
11.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, ensuring that the soot is carried over to your washing line. When the missus comes to complain, laugh in her face and say "That's life in a blue suit mate"
12. Every morning and evening collect up all of your rubbish and throw it out of the back door.
13.Wake up at midnight each night and make a sandwich out of anything you can find.
14.Have a fridge in your home specifically for beer. put a lock on it and give the key to the local policeman.
15.Keep spare keys for above and empty it every lunchtime.
16.Devise your family menu a week in advance without looking in the fridge or freezer.
17.Once a month, take apart every household appliance then re-assemble them.
18.Use four spoonfuls of coffee per cup and wait 3 hours before drinking it.
19.Invite 40 people you don't like, to stay in your house for a couple of months.
20.Install a small fluorescent strip light under your coffee table then lie underneath it to read a book.
21.Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in the house, so you will either bang your head or skin your shins every time you pass through them.
22.When baking a cake, prop one side of the cake tin against the side of the oven and when it has cooled, spread icing thickly on lower side to even it out.
23. Every so often throw one of the kids into the bath and scream "Hands to bathe!" Sling in a sponge with a flag stuck in it. 23a. Every so often run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots and pans onto the floor and yell at your wife for not securing for sea.
24.Get your wife and kids to clean their rooms every evening and at 1900 wander around the house with the local policeman.
25.Name your favourite shoes "Steaming Bats" then get the kids to hide them around the house.
26.Lie on your bed, or sofa and fart for absolutely no reason.
27.Insist on having your mail delivered to the local post office and then about every two or three weeks send your local Community Police to collect it for you.
28.On Saturday morning walk around the house, whistling loudly and insist that everyone you pass stands to attention.
29.Paint the outside of your house battleship grey and put the number on the wall in big black letters.
30.Put windows and a bloody big wheel in your loft.
31.Every Thursday at 0500 in the morning, run around the house yelling "Hands to Action Stations!" and get every one to guard the doors, windows and all electrical appliances.
32.Roll up a soft porn magazine and stick it behind the cistern in the toilet so that all of your visitors can read it.
33. When the family demands more food, yell back at them "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FOR 86p PER DAY, PER MAN


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## Kev1 (Apr 4, 2011)

Doesn't everybody live like that  

Nice one


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## Jiggles (Apr 17, 2007)

Oh happy days :roll: 

John


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## KeithChesterfield (Mar 12, 2010)

Even more!

www.goatlocker.org/resources/nav/simulate.htm


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## Alanvm (Jan 6, 2009)

I remember it well

Alan (ex submariner)


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## OllyHughes (May 19, 2009)

Me also :roll::roll::roll: 

Olly


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## zappy61 (May 1, 2005)

That is funny and the senior service too, I thought it was 4* accommodation :lol: :lol: 

Graham


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