# Jocks



## johng1974 (Jan 17, 2007)

I feel I can better understand some of you now.... no names mentioned :lol: 


You know you are a true Scot if... 
1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall, Auchtermuchty and Awfurfuksake
2. Ye actually like deep fried pizza fae the chippy 
3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day 
4. Ye cannae pass a chip/kebab shop withoot slaverin' when yer blootert. 
5. Ye kin fa' aboot pished withoot spillin' yer drink. 
6. Ye see people wearin' shell suits wi' Burberry accessories - Pure Dead Class! 
7. Ye measure distance in minutes. 
8. Ye kin understaun' Rab C. Nesbitt an' ken characters jist like him in yer ain family 
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cus ye think it's like gaun tae the ocean 
10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wi' swear words 
11.  Ye ken whit haggis is made o' an' still like eating it. 
12. Somedy ye ken has used a fitba' schedule tae plan thur weddin' date. 
13. Ye've bin at a weddin' an' fitba scores are announced in the church/chapel 
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish 'n' chips, Irn-Bru, **** an' nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Ye ken Irn-Bru is a hangover cure. 
16. Ye learnt tae swear afore ye learnt tae dae sums. 
17. Ye actually understaun' this an' yer gonnae send it tae yer pals. 
18. Finally, you are a 100% True Scot if you have ever said/heard these words/phrases: 
How's it hingin' 
Clarty 
Boggin' 
Cludgie 
Pished 
Get it up ye 
Wee beasties 
Erse bandit 
Amurny 
Away an' bile yer heid 
Peely-wally 
Humphy backit 
Ba' heid 
Baw bag 
Dubble nugget 
And finally... 
A wee Glesga wummin goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just come oot o' the freezer an' is staunin' wi' his haunds ahint his back an' his erse aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wummin checks oot the display case an' asks, 'Is that yer Ayrshire Bacon?' 
'Naw,' replies the butcher 'It's jist ma hauns ah'm heatin.'


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## vardy (Sep 1, 2006)

Wee 'addie wi' a wee 'asses peennie on?


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## johng1974 (Jan 17, 2007)

8O 

nope, not a clue


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## sallytrafic (Jan 17, 2006)

Aye bu' wie nae mantion of Buckie I ken fine ye're nowt bu' a southerner


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

What a shame Michel Thomas is dead.

He could have made another fortune here!! :lol: :lol:


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## vardy (Sep 1, 2006)

Before your time John! -It was what the little pinafore'd girls used to call a little boy if he was a woos. Granny probably scarred my brother for life! Dinna heat yer water also comes to mind. I used to get that one a lot.


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## JackieP (Oct 15, 2006)

johng1974 said:


> A wee Glesga wummin goes intae a butcher shop, where the butcher has just come oot o' the freezer an' is staunin' wi' his haunds ahint his back an' his erse aimed at an electric fire.
> The wee wummin checks oot the display case an' asks, 'Is that yer Ayrshire Bacon?'
> 'Naw,' replies the butcher 'It's jist ma hauns ah'm heatin.'


I actually did a big LOL reading that. Thanks


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## greenasthegrass (Oct 27, 2007)

Carol's ya woman! she has used the whole lot and on a regular basis in that chatroom we need a translator sometimes but we getting used to her now! 8O 8O Viv (Litcher) good translator!!!

Greenie


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## Tobysmumndad (Nov 12, 2007)

"Fit like the day, min?"
"Nane the w'ar min, nane the w'ar! Chavvin awa jis fine, ye ken!"

(Fragment of conversation in Lumphanan, or thereabouts ...)


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## litcher (Jul 24, 2006)

greenasthegrass said:


> Carol's ya woman! she has used the whole lot and on a regular basis in that chatroom we need a translator sometimes but we getting used to her now! 8O 8O Viv (Litcher) good translator!!!
> 
> Greenie


I learned the lingo when I was at college in Glasgow.

No mention of the Highlands there - we need a translation of Broad Scots too!

Viv


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

sallytrafic said:


> Aye bu' wie nae mantion of Buckie I ken fine ye're nowt bu' a southerner


I think perhaps you mean a Teuchter, old chap.

Anyway, I used to have a friend who introduced himself - in double-quick speech time - as:- "Aye hello ah'm Jimmy Smith frae Portknockie near Buckie Banff". 

I was at a family wedding most of the weekend, and the groom's lot came down from Scotland for the occasion, bringing an excellent Celtic Rock band with them called "Bahookie". The joke was on the English all night and the next day ("Jolly good band. Unusual name too. What does it mean?") 

A >> really good link << for more funnies, if you're interested in the Doggerel...


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## sallytrafic (Jan 17, 2006)

If I had wanted to say Teuchter (highlander) I would have Dougie I was referring to his present whereabouts in Kent  and there is a great deal of difference in being from Buckie and imbibing it. Or perhaps not :lol:


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## 105109 (Jun 11, 2007)

*Jocks jokes*

Highly amusing perhaps, however when on the phone to areas in England, it is very difficult for us to understand the language.

Works both ways.


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## sallytrafic (Jan 17, 2006)

*Re: Jocks jokes*



Jacobite said:


> Highly amusing perhaps, however when on the phone to areas in England, it is very difficult for us to understand the language.
> 
> Works both ways.


You have phones................


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## aultymer (Jun 20, 2006)

> You have phones.


Pick a windae Frank

Your leaving!

PS Doreen can stay.


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