# Engineers



## TDG (May 26, 2009)

Understanding Engineers - Take One 

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfer 
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a firelast year, so we always let them play for free anytime." 
The group fell silent for a moment. 
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." 
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." 
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. 
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." 
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, wow that's cool.


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## trek (May 1, 2005)

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

''You must be an Engineer", said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the man, "how did you know?"

''Well", answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk".

The man below responded, "You must be in Management".

''I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

''Well", said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault."


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## DABurleigh (May 9, 2005)

As a scientist, I find engineers pretty easy to spot.

Those who don't limp due to the 12" steel rule they carry on their thigh wash their hands BEFORE they go for a pee.

Dave


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## CurlyBoy (Jan 13, 2008)

DABurleigh said:


> As a scientist, I find engineers pretty easy to spot.
> 
> Those who don't limp due to the 12" steel rule they carry on their thigh wash their hands BEFORE they go for a pee.
> 
> Dave


...engineers mostly carry a 6" rule, as a rule. 
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

curlyboy


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## GROUNDHOG (Mar 7, 2006)

747 half way across the Atlantic and the Captain wanders back to chat to the passengers. Little Old Lady sees his four gold rings and says " You must be very important what do you do". "I am the Captain Madam and in charge of the aircraft"

Little later the First Officer goes back, sees his three gold rings and she asks the same question... " I am the First Officer and I help the Captain".

Eventually the Flight Engineer goes back, two Gold rings on his arm and she asks again. " I am the Flight Engineer, I am the Captains sex advisor Madam"

Confused she says what do you mean. " Well" he says " Every time time I try to speak to the Captain he says when I want your f...... advice I'll ask for it".


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## VanFlair (Nov 21, 2009)

worth a BUMP


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## TDG (May 26, 2009)

DABurleigh said:


> .. I find engineers pretty easy to spot.
> Those who don't limp due to the 12" steel rule they carry on their thigh wash their hands BEFORE they go for a pee.Dave


Guilty as charged


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## TDG (May 26, 2009)

CurlyBoy said:


> ...engineers mostly carry a 6" rule, as a rule.
> :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
> curlyboy


Mine also carried as screwdriver, stirrer, scraper, fuse......... 8O


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## MrWez (Sep 25, 2011)

As an Engineer (aviation), I must object to this understanding of engineers:

*Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. *

In this Engineer's view, plainly, the glass wasn't bloody big enough in the first place!

I find it harder to object to some of the other things though 

MrWez


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## TDG (May 26, 2009)

MrWez said:


> As an Engineer (aviation), I must object to this understanding of engineers:...................MrWez


But I am an Engineer (marine) and I guess that shows the difference....... :lol:


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