# Christmas thoughts for us "Bah Humbug" devotees



## Penquin (Oct 15, 2007)

I came across this little selection this afternoon and thought it well worth sharing, other "Bah Humbug" devotees are welcome to add their own comments!

_Sorry, I wasn't going to do this again this year - I made a real effort to adopt a cheery Christmas happy-head, but a trip into town led me into Scroogality once more.

Why do so many people feel they have to do certain things at Christmas "just because we've always done it that way"?

I am *NOT* talking about nice family traditions that provide a welcome link and joyful memories of times and peple gone by; rather the pointless little things that no-one actually likes but get churned out year after year after bleedin' year.

*Dates*: a compressed box of candied cockroaches that sit on the sideboard or coffee table and no-one eats and the dog swallows the little plastic dagger that is superglued onto the box (a box that extorts you to "EAT ME" like a palm-based porn star) by a sugar/epoxy amalgam. Dates (fresh dates) are sublime and are available year-round. Try them, eat them, but spare me from the sticky squished sable tirds[sic]

*Nuts*: a bowl of nuts and a comedy nutcracker. No-one likes them but there is an obligation to try them and kernel-shrapnel flies everywhere, piercing arteries and blinding pets, and Great Uncle Vern gets a hernia trying to break a Brazil nut

*Christmas Pudding*: the heaviest duff possible after the biggest meal of the year. Which genius came up with that combination? Setting fire to it doesn't make it any more acceptable, especially when you use industrial-strength brandy

*Turkey*: a vast bird that no-one cooks properly, meaning I get offered the appetising choice of stringy cardboard or a moist bloodbath. Seriously, you do NOT need to cook something that could have carried off Sinbad when alive.

*Sprouts*: 4 minutes, not 4 hours. Nuff said

*Quality Street*: After 37 minutes there will be the flat gold discs and the brown oblongs left. Buy Cadbury Roses

*Mulled Wine*: If the bottle of Latvian shiraz is [email protected] to begin with, boiling it with pot-pourri is not going to make it drinkable. I'd rather have a glass of hot Um-bongo

*53-year old singletons*: They are alone for a reason- do not add them onto your family occasion. They will get blotto and either fall out of their blouse or become insanely maudlin. Do *NOT* let them try and telephone anyone after 8:30pm

*Presents for middle-aged men*: We have enough ties, socks, books of golf jokes. Buy us booze.

*Christmas episodes of soap operas*: Death is stalking the Street/Square - we get it!

*The latest James Bond film*: Daniel Craig is *NOT* Sean Connery and never will be. He is not even Timothy Dalton

*Midnight Mass*: who the hell is that in MY pew?

*Christmas cards from people in the house*: could you not just have said "Happy Christmas" to me and added the £2.85 you spent on the card to my present? (booze, remember, not socks)

*Cheese and biscuits*: Wensleydale with fruitgums in it is unacceptable. And please put out digestives to have with the Stilton

*Paper hats in crackers*: Size 8 heads exist - make the hats big and they can be made smaller - they can't be larger. A rip up the back and they will fall off into my gravy. Dammit.

*Pictionary*: Draw it properly in the first place. Repeatedly tapping your vague sausage-shaped squiggle with two triangles coming out one end does NOT make it any clearer. Nor will repeatedly drawing a circle around it. And don't chew the pen - we're all sharing that.

*Relatives*: I don't know Uncle Magog and Auntie Syph, never met them, don't care about them, refuse to be bothered about who was their daughter's bridesmaid.

*Questions*: Yes I want another drink - I always want another drink. If you wake me up at 4:37am the answer will be yes. No - I don't *WANT* to take the rubbish out. I will do it. I won't like doing it._

Courtesy of the TES, it brought a smile to my face! :lol: I will look forward to the observations of others.......

Dave


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## Grizzly (May 9, 2005)

*Style/Life/Stella sections of newspapers* I really don't want to be nagged, from October onwards, to start my "Christmas Countdown". I don't care if the average woman spends 6 solid weeks getting ready for "The Day". I can do it in 2 days and no-one has complained yet !

G


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## greenasthegrass (Oct 27, 2007)

*TV Countdowns of those who have died/best moments/soaps* we don't need those either.

*Endless holiday adverts day before Christmas Day now* don't need to know what I will be doing in 6 months time as I have a motorhome so that is the idea I don't have to plan or pay that much 8O

*New Year's Resolutions* nuff sed

*Diets* even more said but less done - gym membership, attendance at local pool - if you didn't over indulge there would be no need - says me size of Guatemala :lol:

Am sure the list will continue.... good post!

Greenie


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## ruffingitsmoothly (May 1, 2005)

Regards Pat


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## wakk44 (Jun 15, 2006)

*Re: Christmas thoughts for us "Bah Humbug" devotee*



Penquin said:


> I came across this little selection this afternoon and thought it well worth sharing, other "Bah Humbug" devotees are welcome to add their own comments!
> 
> _Sorry, I wasn't going to do this again this year - I made a real effort to adopt a cheery Christmas happy-head, but a trip into town led me into Scroogality once more.
> 
> ...


 :lol: :lol: :lol:

Pleased I wasn't eating when I read that,think I would have choked.

I can empathise with the sticky dates and hats that are too small,brightened up a dull day


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## bognormike (May 10, 2005)

don't get me started!  

Roll on Boxing Day when the seasonal football starts 8) - honestly, Christmas has become an excuse (and for most of the population of the UK they don't need much excuse) for excessive consumption of food & drink and buying things that people don't really need :x


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## moblee (Dec 31, 2006)

The First gift of Christmas :!: :lol:


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## Grizzly (May 9, 2005)

*Washing up: * I really welcome your offers to clear away and wash up but please use your common sense when putting away and give us a sporting chance of finding things again without us having to phone you to ask. If you don't know where it goes then ASK!

G


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## gromett (May 9, 2005)

*Re: Christmas thoughts for us "Bah Humbug" devotee*



Penquin said:


> *53-year old singletons*: They are alone for a reason- do not add them onto your family occasion. They will get blotto and either fall out of their blouse or become insanely maudlin. Do *NOT* let them try and telephone anyone after 8:30pm


Didn't you mean 35. Us singletons don't actually want to be invited either. But after the 30th person looks at us with pity and asks us if we want to join them we think bugger it... Why not. At least I can tell everyone I am actually doing something and they will leave me alone.

We then sit at your house feeling like a spare part. Of course the drink is going to go down a little quicker, there is nothing else for us to do and it does help lower the discomfort levels after a while.
We are not insanely maudlin at the end of the night. We are just peed off that we could have stayed at home and washed the pots or something less sacharin than watching a family pretending to get on for once.

Us singletons hate christmas. All this false cheer. Why can't you be nice the rest of the year? Our TV schedule got buggered up. The shops shut on days they are normally open. They are packed when they are usually empty. Stuff that is normally in abundance suddenly gets scarce. The pubs take up weird hours and are full of drunk(er) idiots.
We get fed up of being asked what we are doing for christmas. We respond nothing and they get all soppy.. Grrrrr.

Christmas is all very well and good for people of faith, or families or those with children. But for us Singles it is nightmare. Not because we are single and lonely but because everything changes and knackers up our nicely organised routines.

For instance, Friday night is my night out where I meet all my friends have a nice drink. I then go home and on Saturday watch question time, Have I got news for you, This week and QI.

Not this year. Friday night is Christmas eve. ALL my friends are off doing something. None of my programs are on for watching on Saturday. I won't be lonely but I will be a bit grumpy 'cause it is all messed up.

Now I plan my christmas I get a couple of box sets of DVD's. A couple of books. A couple of computer games etc etc etc. I then go into hibernation from the 24th till the 31st. At which point I go out and have some drinks with friends who are now back around and fed up of their relatives. I now have to listen to how crap their christmas was..... Grrrr.

If you want to make a singleton happy. Don't ask them what they are doing. If it is practical or possible and they are a good friend. Try and organise a little trip to the pub for 2 hours then go your separate ways, don't invite them back. Don't get them a christmas card or pressy as it will only induce guilt. After Christmas don't regale them with stories of how aunty ethel got drunk and fell over. We don't really care..

Other than that, HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!! 
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Karl


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## ToffeApple (Nov 21, 2009)

Thank you Grizzly! Was drinking a mug of hot chocolate when I read your post about "Washing up." Nicely pebble-dashed my keyboard and screen!!!!!!!!!!

:roll: :roll: :roll: 

Chris & Tilly :lol:


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## Hezbez (Feb 7, 2009)

ruffingitsmoothly said:


> Regards Pat


 :lol: :lol: :lol: 
I'd love to make this into a Christmas card!


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