# A few one liners.



## motormouth (Jul 3, 2010)

Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for West Ham.

Kate Middleton says to the Queen, "What's the secret to a successful marriage?" Queen replies "Wear a seatbelt and don't annoy me." 

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class perform oral sex on him. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.


Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.


I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach. I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood.


A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover.. When it stops sucking, change the old bag."


Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."


Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.


What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show


Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.


Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life story. I've just seen the trailer.


Now Eddie Stobart's dead they've found out that he was HGV positive.


The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!


Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft **********



Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


Someone's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.


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## teemyob (Nov 22, 2005)

*vote*

All funny, 2nd and last top two.

TM

:lol:


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## kaacee (Nov 29, 2008)

Brilliant !!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: 

Keith


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