# pilot talk



## waz (Jan 5, 2008)

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers 

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!' 
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!' 

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Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.' 
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up 
here?' 
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 
727?' 

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm 
f...ing bored!' 
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself 
immediately!' 
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!' 

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a 
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.' 
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little 
Fokker in sight.' 

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting 
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known 
position?' 
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.' 

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out 
after touching down. 
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of 
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit 
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.' 

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the 
following: 
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?' 
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.' 
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in 
Germany . Why must I speak English?' 
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because 
you lost the bloody war!' 

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Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 
124.7' 
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after 
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the 
runway.' 
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact 
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?' 
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, 
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.' 

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of 
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned 
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in 
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did 
you make it all by yourself?' 
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a 
real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and 
I'll have enough parts for another one.' 

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a 
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking 
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was 
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following 
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call 
sign Speedbird 206. 
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.' 
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.' 
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. 
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?' 
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'! 
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been 
to Frankfurt before?' 
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I 
didn't land.' 

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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight 
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with 
a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air 
crew, screaming: 
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto 
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's 
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it 
right!' 
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting 
hysterically: 
'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this 
out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can 
expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you 
to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You 
got that, US Air 2771?' 
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded. 
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly 
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance 
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension 
in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then 
an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 
'Wasn't I married to you once?'


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## 110747 (Mar 21, 2008)

the best come back i've ever heard of was this.

at a Bernard manning show in a club.

the guy is busting for a wee but daren't get up for fear of attack by bernard.

eventually he's gotta go so gets up and heads for the loo.

sure as eggs is eggs bernard turns on him and says where are you going.

quick as a flash he replies.

i'm going for wee before the comedian comes on.

Bernard was stunned and went to see him after the show and said that is the best put down he ever had.

Geoff b.


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## JohnsCrossMotorHomes (Jul 21, 2007)

As an ex pilot I can apreciate that post!!

Peter


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## 115344 (Aug 9, 2008)

At an air show and incoming German Luftwaffe pilot was told to look out for a spitfire and a hurricane at his altitude. "Has no-one told zem ze war is over" he radioed back. 


Some years ago when Pan Am had "the world's most experienced airline as their tag line" a BOAC skipper landed at JFK to find that a Pan Am aircraft had run off the taxiway and was stuck in the grass. He came over the intercom to tell the passengers " Look to your left and you will the see the world's most experienced airline having another experience" 

I believe it was another Pan Am, a 747, that set down at Northolt instead of Heathrow having lined up on the wrong gas holder. Unfortunately the runway was too short for the plane to take off again. It had to stripped of all non-essential equipment, pushed back to the very limit of the runway held until max power had been achieved and the chief Pan Am training pilot just managed to get it off the ground. I understand that the other pilot was no longer employed by this stage.


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

I put this one up before, but in the current context it's worth posting again for anyone who hasn't seen it!  

*Flying Qantas in the near future?*

UNCLASSIFIED QANTAS FIXES.
_
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots
and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

*By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.*_

*P: stands for the problem the Pilots entered in the log, and
A: stands for the corrective Action taken by the mechanics.*

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
A: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
A: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
A: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
A: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
A: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
A: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
A: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
A: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
A: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
A: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
A: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
A: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
A: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
A: Cat installed


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## waz (Jan 5, 2008)

Hi Zebedee 
Ausie hummer just crack me up. Did you hear the one about the famous person at the check in desk it Sidney airport, they were having a go at the woman behind the desk and said to her , don't you know who I am' Cool as a cucumber the woman got on the tannoy and ask if anyone know the person at desk 49 as she seemed to have lost her memory
Waz


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