# Pussers Mum



## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

Poor old Mum passed away 31st Dec 2008 aged nearly 97. She defied the odds for 2 years with the help love and support of Moors Park Residential Home near Teignmouth but in the end her body could do no more.

I spent some time with her as it was obvious we were on a slippery slope and managed to say all those things to her in her last few days that really should have been said to her on a weekly basis. When she finally went, staff members at the Home cried with me.

The funeral was 22nd Jan because I wanted the same lady funeral director to do the necessary and she had been away. She really is a gem and if anyone is thinking of getting buried in the near future then T. Clarks in Teignmouth are the number one choice.

The night before the funeral I took over most of a hotel for family and cousins for a sort of Last Supper and it was just amazing to have around me everybody I love in one lump.

The funeral was to me an emotional experience I shall never forget. Even people I did not know were visibily affected by the excellence of the words of the new Vicar and I had a lovely West Indian solo singer to sing "Teach me thy way O'Lord"; and if an angel was singing then that was she. I was seriously in need of a life jacket after that as wept uncontrollably.

And so Pusser is now an orphan. My parents were hard working, staunch supporters of the Royal Family, gave masses away to charity, did good deeds on almost a daily basis but their biggest test in this world I fear was me. They have absolute quality friends absolutely covering the world and cards and donations have come flooding in from all sources.

So can I live up to my parents high standards? No chance. All I can do is admire, even envy their uncluttered, gadget free lifestyle, their ability to love others unconditionally and I fear it was me that broke the mould and now where will the world go when all this generation has gone.


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## geraldandannie (Jun 4, 2006)

Hi Pusser

So sad to read your news. Our thoughts are with both you and your family. It sounds like you gave her a great send off.

The death of my mum hit me more strongly than the death of my father, or any other family member. I have some idea of the sense of loss you're feeling.

Gerald, a fellow orphan


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## Rapide561 (Oct 1, 2005)

*Pusser's mum*

I don't know what to say, Pusser, but somehow, as you often do, you have managed to raise a smile in the post, despite the sad news of your mum passing away.

Take care

Russell


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## artona (Jan 19, 2006)

Hi

_And so Pusser is now an orphan_ never an orphan when you are full of happy memories.

A long life but sorry to hear your news Pusser

stew


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## wakk44 (Jun 15, 2006)

You have our sympathy Pusser,Sharon and I have been through the same situation and I don't think it ever really sinks in that your dear mum is no longer around.

The funeral sounds like it was a celebration of her life with all your close family around which is how it should be.

I also had similar pangs of guilt to you,thinking about all the problems that I had caused her,but they soon faded as I,like you,was also able to talk meaningfully before she died.Now I can look back and smile at all the happy memories,hopefully,in time,so can you.


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## zulurita (May 9, 2005)

Sorry to read your sad news Pusser.

It is good that you were able to be with your Mum at the end as this helps with the grieving process.

What a lovely send off for your mum. Bet she had a smile on her face as she watched from her heavenly home.


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## DABurleigh (May 9, 2005)

I'm sad for you Puss, but pleased that you "managed to say all those things to her in her last few days ". I did the same with my Mum, by lucky happenstance just the evening before on my own with her, and it really helped me deal with it.

Dave


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## DTPCHEMICALS (Jul 24, 2006)

Sorry to hear of your loss.

Dave P


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## eddievanbitz (May 1, 2005)

Hi Pusser, words cannot convey the sadness we feel for you, nor will words help you feel better.

One thing you don't mention, in your typical understated amusing style is the amount o effort that you did put into getting to see you Mum on a vry regular basis! Taxis, hire cars, motorhomes, breakfasts stuck in a garden centre that became so regular to you, you started treating it like home and inviting people over for breakfast!

You may have been a trial when you were younger, but no man could have made a better effort that you have in the last couple of years that I have known you

Your twin

Eddie


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## bognormike (May 10, 2005)

Condolences, Pusser. It's a difficult time, losing the parents. My Mum died over 20 years ago, and would have been so proud of what we and her grandchildren have done, and of course would have loved to have seen the great grandchildren!


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## mike800966 (May 1, 2005)

*Mum's*

Sorry to hear your news, it really is so imprtant to say those things whilst you can.

Had more than my share of bereavements over not that many years

Perhaps I might offer this thought

"Treat every day as a gift, thats why they call it the present."

Sounds trite but means a lot

Happy Days

Mike & Ann


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## colonel (Oct 11, 2008)

Pusser,

I share the sentiments of all the other posters. My sympathy and condolences to you and your family.


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## 101776 (Nov 13, 2006)

What a lovely thing you have written for us to read and share in your loss, I would like to add my sympathy to those already expressed on here.

It seems that gut wrenching pain will never ease, but as we know it does over time, thankfully memories stay with us forever..........


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## Briarose (Oct 9, 2007)

Hi Pusser, my thoughts are with you at this sad time.

My own Dad is very ill right now, and we have more or less been told what to expect in the next few days. My Dad's 90th Birthday is just two weeks away, although I would have liked to see him reach that goal, I don't feel it is fair to be as he is right now. I am spending time every day with him (fortunately due to our shop being closed right now) I have the time to do so...............there are many things I would like to say but I just can't as he isn't aware in his head just how ill he is.

It must have been very hard for you to have to wait so long for the funeral, I know when I lost Mum the days from losing her until the funeral seemed the hardest.

Take care Nette xxx


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## spykal (May 9, 2005)

Hello Pusser

So sad to hear of your loss. 

From my own experience it is a time of mixed emotions, for me when Dad died aged 92 there was both grief and relief in my heart. Now looking back I can see that all the feelings were right and for a reason.... keep talking to us Puss, we enjoy listening.


Mike


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

Hi Pusser

It doesn't sound to me as if you "broke the mould" at all!!

I wish I could write a piece like that, combining dignity with humour into one of the nicest obituaries I have ever read.

Your Mum would not have been at all displeased with the orphan's efforts I think!

Best wishes

Dave


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## LadyJ (May 9, 2005)

Puss dear our thoughts are with you and I am sure your Mum will be looking down on you now and keeping an eye on you (well somebody has to) You will always have her with you. Take care and remember the good times xxx

Jacquie & John


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

Pusser,

I lost my Mum a couple of years ago after her long drawn-out illness, and then also my Dad some six weeks later, quite suddenly. Like you, I was able to say things I'd felt for some time but hadn't, and I know they were appreciated by both.

I wish you strength in this time of sadness and adjustment.

Dougie.


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## SpeedyDux (Jul 13, 2007)

Pusser,

Sorry to hear your sad news. My condolences to you and yours. The last of my family's older generation passed away in December, so I am not just a fellow orphan but also now the oldest surviving member of my family. 

Very best wishes,

SD


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## Invicta (Feb 9, 2006)

I too send my condolences Pusser. 

I would think that your mother was very proud of you. She obviously reared a very loving and thoughtful son from what I have read from your comments about her over the time I have been a member of MHF.

Peggy


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## 1happy (Jun 15, 2005)

*Pusser's Mum*

Hi Pusser.
A very moving post.
I wish to add my condolences and add that when my Father passed aged 57 after a long illness, one of the wreath cards read "Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from thier own"
It sounds to me like your Mum was one of those rays of sunshine. 
Catherine


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## trevorf (May 16, 2005)

Sad news Pusser, our thoughts are with you.

Trevor & Julie


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## lindyloot (May 20, 2007)

What can I say that hasn't already been said, Rich and I both know what it is like, he lost his Stepmum a year ago on New Years day , he was devastated as she was more of a mum to him than his real mum ( but that is another story).
I lost my mum in 2001 and my dad in 1985 and miss them both still but they are still here with me in me , an expression or the way I do something but most of all in wonderful memories. The only regret is that neither of them were here to see their beautiful great grand daughter.
My thought 's are with you, think of your mum as being in another room which one day you will open the door and see her again
Lin


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## 108717 (Dec 12, 2007)

Hey Pusser. You'll be carrying a lot more of your folks into the next generation than you think buddy. Strip away the gadgets and gizmos and I'm sure you're a chip off the old block. 

I've never met you but have read many of your entries here. The one thing that made me smile was that in the midst of a moving post, and in in true Pusser/MHF spirit, you managed to get a recommendation in!


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## Telbell (May 1, 2005)

"The Moving Hand writes, and having writ, moves on"

Enjoyed reading your Post Pusser- sounds like your Mum did loads of "Writing" in her long lifetime :wink: 

Commiserations and best wishes


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## carolgavin (May 9, 2005)

Awww Pusser am so sorry for the loss of your mum. Loved your very moving post as it says a lot of how much you cared for her. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family.


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## Suenliam (Mar 22, 2006)

So sorry for your loss Pusser.

Your Mum gave you a very special gift - to write in such a way that we can cry and smile at the same time.

Sue


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

Thank you very much indeed for all the condolences and kindnesses. Always there is an abundance of kindess on this website and you don't get that everywhere.

I am now googling orphanages to see if there is anything suitable.  Seems age is against me. 8O


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## colonel (Oct 11, 2008)

Yeah too young matey... :wink:


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## 107088 (Sep 18, 2007)

For 30 odd years I have lived with the dead and the dying; Some deaths I have caused, some, sometimes, I have prevented. This means pretty much very little makes me emotional about the subject. 



Apart from your post.



Rarely, if ever have I read such obvious love, commitment and respect for one person from another. So, I offer my sincere condolences.


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## dannimac (Jun 8, 2008)

Pusser

What a lovely tribute you have paid to your Mum. You clearly had a very good healthy relationship if you were able to say all the necessary to help both of you.

I wish you some peace in the coming months and that you can remember your Mum at her brightest.

D


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## clianthus (Jul 8, 2006)

So sorry to read of your sad loss Pusser, but I'm sure that far from being a disappointment to your parents that beautifully written obituary would have made them very proud of you.

The sadness will pass with time and you will remember all the happy times.

I do hope you have some luck with the orphanage!


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## 92046 (May 1, 2005)

*The next life*

In time we all move on to the next life, you may not see your mum, but you can bet on it that your mum is still looking over you, and you will feel her presence close by,

Your mum had a good send off, she would be very proud of you, as are all the rest of the family and friends, and that also goes for all your friends on this forum,

Thinking of you Pusser at this difficult time,

Take care,

Colin R......


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## badger (May 9, 2005)

My sincere sympathies dear Puss


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## rowley (May 14, 2005)

Puss, so sorry to hear about your Mum. Our prayers are with you, best wishes, Rowley.


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## patnles (Oct 26, 2006)

So Sorry for your loss Pusser. It sounds as though your parents were wonderful people and you have lots of lovely memories of them.
Thinking of you.


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## Motorhomersimpson (May 9, 2005)

I was so sad to hear of your mums passing pusser. 

The up's and downs when tending to a sick relative is a trying time, but rewarding as well. 

The times when you did the smallest thing that made her happy, then other times when you went to great length, which often you did! your mum would hardly notice, the times when you talked in length and comforted her, your mum really would have appreciated all these moments. 

You have some wonderful memories of your times together, particularly the later years of your mum and dads time with you, feel comfort in the knowledge that they both could not asked more of their son. 

Rob


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## Nora+Neil (May 1, 2005)

Pusser.

You have made me laugh till I cried with some of your posts.
I'm crying now at the lovely obituary to your Mum.

Take care and always remember your Mum is on your shoulder. Your Guardian angel.
Thought and prayers are with you.
Nora


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## wenlock (Aug 1, 2007)

Pusser, 
Sorry to hear your sad news. 

I know this sounds obvious but we all only have one Mum and if we are lucky we know and love them, when they go it is a huge loss. 

When I feel particularly sad about the loss of both mine and my wife's parents and my younger sister, I try to imagine what they would say to me. 
It usually comes out on the lines of, " Come on, get on with it, just like we always did, try to be happy and take the best out of any situation." 
Well it works for me, most times. 
Best wishes during this difficult time. 
Paul


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## brillopad (Mar 4, 2008)

orphaned yes, alone no, so sorry mate. 

dennis


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## Drummer (May 9, 2005)

Welcome to OrphansRus Puss.

My thoughts are with you & your family.

Drummer De Dwarf


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## CaGreg (Mar 28, 2007)

Sincere sypathies Pusser, and well done on a lovely tribute. 

Been an orphan since well... a long time, so if you find an orfanedge that will take the likes of us, put my name down too,they are all full here in Ireland.

Take care
Ca and Greg (my fellow orphan)!


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## JacSprat (May 26, 2006)

So sorry to hear your news Pusser. Lost my mother when I was very young. Nothing will ever replace a Mum, but she was lucky to have such a sincere fan in you. What wonderful and sweet words you shared; you are a credit to her.

Jacquie


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## annetony (May 1, 2005)

Hi Pusser sorry I have only just got back online after borrowing my sons lap top this morning, I have to replace my hard drive in mine 


I am so sorry to hear about your Mum, at least you got to spend some time with her at the end.

I know its awful losing your Mum I lost mine nearly 2 years ago, 

just remember all the wonderful memories you have of her,

RIP Pussers Mum

Take Care



Anne


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## mauramac (May 24, 2005)

Hello Pusser

Like you did a while back I took a little break from being on the PC all the time and so I've only just got round to looking on this part of the forum.

I feel like I know you as if you are indeed an old mate, so I was really sad to read of the loss of your dear Mum. I also know from our emails how much time and effort you put into visiting her and making sure you did all you could for her. 

When my Mum passed away 8 years ago I felt like a part of me would never recover and to a point that is true but what kept me sane was knowing what a laugh we had along the way and how I did my best for her for as long as she was with us. 

Trust me, it will help as time goes by to know you did all you could and you loved her so much. Speaking as a Mum - that's all you want from your children.

Take care, and please forgive the lateness of this message.

Lots of Love
Maura xx


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## locovan (Oct 17, 2007)

Dear Pusser
Im so glad this has been raised today as I have been away and missed the sad news of the death of you mum.
Bless her she was so lucky to have such a caring loving Son as you and she must have been so proud.
What a great send off you gave her but I hope you are coming to terms with her death and life must go on. As someone has already said your sense of humour shone through in this really well written tribute to your MUM
She will be looking down on you as you carry on achieving your goals.
Love to you and your family.

Mavis xx


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

Very soon, when there is a break in the clouds, I need to collect both my Mothers and Fathers ashes and sprinkle them together on a rose garden where their sisters and close friends were previously done.

I have never done or seen this done so apart from standing down wind, is there anything else I should know and what is the normal thing to do with the jars when they are empty.

Next year I am going to go to this rose garden and steal two roses and get them pressed and I think that will be a nice thing to frame and have a keepsake. Knowing my luck I shall be done for theft but hey. I've had worse.


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## tincan (Jul 31, 2006)

Puhne, I too am interested in the protocol for disposing of ashes and will be watching this topic with interest. Myra has expressed a wish for her ashes to be scattered in St Emilion where she wants to push up vines instead of daisies. Hopefully this ceremony is many years away.

Noel


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

tincan said:


> Puhne, I too am interested in the protocol for disposing of ashes and will be watching this topic with interest. Myra has expressed a wish for her ashes to be scattered in St Emilion where she wants to push up vines instead of daisies. Hopefully this ceremony is many years away.
> 
> Noel


That will require another trip to get some grapes and even a bottle of wine to drink to her memory.

I like this idea so much I am at this moment telling my family I too want to be wasted over a vineyard and not one the produces cheap plonk. I want a chateau with class. I want to be in a bottle of a quality red, ideally thick and fruity in flavour. 8O

p.s. Does Myra know you have her lined up.


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## Drummer (May 9, 2005)

Being a cheap skate, I want to be chucked under a British tree. So I've planted a silver birth in what is called the garden (wilderness? Overgrown wildlife park?) in readiness.
The theory is, I will eventually become tall, elegant & beautiful!
Is this forward planning or what?
You take those roses Puss, I'll bring you **** & mags in prison, no worries.


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

Drummer said:


> Being a cheap skate, I want to be chucked under a British tree. So I've planted a silver birth in what is called the garden (wilderness? Overgrown wildlife park?) in readiness.
> The theory is, I will eventually become tall, elegant & beautiful!
> Is this forward planning or what?
> You take those roses Puss, I'll bring you **** & mags in prison, no worries.


  I seem to remember silver birches (births as you call them) have been stricken with disease and are dying all over the place. I only say this because the last thing you need is to die twice.


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## Drummer (May 9, 2005)

PMSL!
So I can't type either!
Its still alive & well ... this guarantees nothing!


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

That looks a good place to spend eternity. It is honey fungus that attacks these trees I believe but what do I know. 

I am quite excited about dying now as being scattered over a vineyard in France seems most appealing. 

The undertakers I used here have actually an arrangement with a local vineyard in Devon for anyone who wishes to end up in a bottle. 8O 

Dust to dust. Ashes to ashes. Urn to bottle. Bottle to tummy. Tummy to loo. Loo to sea. Actually, may just as well be buried at sea and save the travelling. 8)


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## tonyt (May 25, 2005)

Mums are special – with the passing of time the pain will ease and the memories strengthen.

On the subject of reuniting loved one’s remains, my Grandfather died in the trenches of Belgium in 1917, his son, my Dad, died just a few years ago.
When we were sorting through Dad’s effects we came across a postcard, written in the trenches, father to young son, “When I come home we will have a grand time……… “ Well he never did come home and was never to see his son again.

My Dad’s ashes are buried locally and when I visited my Grandfather’s resting place in Belgium last year I brought back a handful of soil from his grave and scattered it over my Dad’s spot. So father and son did eventually reunite.

I know it’s sentimental nonsense (I’m agnostic) but it just seemed to be the right thing to do.


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## tincan (Jul 31, 2006)

Daphne said:


> tincan said:
> 
> 
> > Puhne, I too am interested in the protocol for disposing of ashes and will be watching this topic with interest. Myra has expressed a wish for her ashes to be scattered in St Emilion where she wants to push up vines instead of daisies. Hopefully this ceremony is many years away.
> ...


Its her idea, honest but she's not keen on it happening any time soon and nor am I. In fact I really dont want to have to do it myself. Our kids are convinced that their parents will be pickled from imbibing red nectar and have agreed to carry out the disposal per our wishes.
We have a spot picked, Chateau Grand Sarpe, which is owned and run by Jeano, an 85 year old wine wizard, who was last seen by us a couple of weeks ago stacking 11,000 bottles of 2007 vintage. Seems all that stuff about red wine being good for you is true, if he is an example of how to keep fit into your 80's.

Noel


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

Daphne said:


> I have never done or seen this done so apart from standing down wind, is there anything else I should know and what is the normal thing to do with the jars when they are empty


You've thought the unthinkable, and asked the unaskable, which are both good things to do in my opinion. Assuming you've asked this seriously - which I do assume - then I'll offer my experience in the same vein. We "did" both my parents together on the shores of the River Forth overlooking the skyline of Edinburgh, on a breezy day.

Upwind is preferable, otherwise your gritty determination turns into something more tangible. The jars were nice-looking red plastic containers with large screw-caps, and no-one had given them any thought until the deed was done. After a lot of thought, I gently placed them in the Fife County Council metal bin which said "Litter" and which did not say, "No ashes" or similar such stuff. It initially felt as though we should have kept them, but I couldn't face washing them out, and in any case, having two large plastic jars on the mantelpiece might have caused confusion at Christmas once the Quality Streets arrived. Binning them has never been a source of regret to me.

One thing which really did throw me, was when we picked up the jars from the undertakers, about a year after the funerals. My dad had always been quite a large chap, and my mum was very small and quite frail. Both jars were the same size, but when I picked them up, I found to my horror that they still had the same weight proportions.  That really did shake me, and took me a little while to get a hold of the reaction.

I also understand that I might have committed an offence by taking the ashes from England to Scotland, but I've got over that too.

Dougie.


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## patnles (Oct 26, 2006)

I love this idea of scattering the ashes of a loved one in a place dear to them.
Pat and I were once on a Calmac ferry (Brodick-Ardrossan) when it was announced the boat would be stopping for a few minutes whilst a short ceremony to scatter the ashes of a gentleman, who had a deep love of Arran, would take place. It was a very moving experience.
I too would like my ashes scattered in Scotland somewhere, but the problem is, there are so many places I'd like to be and I'm not entirely sure, that a bit here and a bit there, is the way to go  
Lesley


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

patnles said:


> a bit here and a bit there, is the way to go


Quite feasible, so long as you've got someone prepared to do the trip. Nice idea too.

Dougie.


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

patnles said:


> ...but the problem is, there are so many places I'd like to be and I'm not entirely sure, that a bit here and a bit there, is the way to go
> Lesley


According to my funeral directoress whom I feel may be regretting getting my business has told me that you can multi scatter. Thus you could have a thimble ful in one place and loads of thimblefulls through out Scotland. In fact you personally could feed over a hundred thistles that will be eaten by sheep who will be eaten by other MHF members so it is funny how it all comes together.


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

Thanks asprn for that. I think if they are plastic things then no point keeping them. I may keep the Tescos bag that I take them in as I can use that for something else. 

I am not at all looking forward to doing this deed but I feel uncomfortable in a way that seems that if I don't do as they requested, I may be preventing them from arriving in heaven because I haven't returned their ashes to the ground. At the moment it is ashes to plastic which even for another agnostic like me leaves me feeling a bit uneasy.


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## patnles (Oct 26, 2006)

asprn said:


> patnles said:
> 
> 
> > a bit here and a bit there, is the way to go
> ...


Well, they have been warned :lol: but no definite arrangements made yet.
I would have to work out an itinerary :lol:
Lesley


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## patnles (Oct 26, 2006)

Daphne said:


> patnles said:
> 
> 
> > ...but the problem is, there are so many places I'd like to be and I'm not entirely sure, that a bit here and a bit there, is the way to go
> ...


Ooooh, I'm liking that idea. I could leave provision to buy you all a jar of mint sauce


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## mauramac (May 24, 2005)

Dapusser, thanks for bringing this subject to the forums - it's hard thinking about these matters on your own and helps to 'discuss' it on here....and hopefully will help lots of people make decisions.

My other half originally wanted to be scattered on the finishing line at Aintree where a good bit of his hard earned used to go :roll: 
But now he is a reformed character and only watches the gee gees he has decided he would like to be made into a firework and sent up into the sky in a great big explosion of stars and sparks 8O 

I have no idea how that can be achieved so I'm hoping he changes his mind again soon to something a bit less ambitious.

Re: the amount of ashes in the urn. Does anyone know if you are left in your coffin when cremation takes place or not? Apologies if that is a bit of a tactless question...but I just wondered.


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

mauramac said:


> Re: the amount of ashes in the urn. Does anyone know if you are left in your coffin when cremation takes place or not? Apologies if that is a bit of a tactless question...but I just wondered.


Good question. Do they sell it on. It may be ashes weight the same because maybe the coffin is the most of the ashes and the body being 98% water or 98% alcohol for some members must steam away leaving very litte.

Here's the question I don't like asking. Is it really my Mum and Dads ashes or everyone that has been done that day.


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## mauramac (May 24, 2005)

I was originally going to ask if anyone knew that but I didn't have the heart to. I'm sure we are not the only ones wondering.

I want to be buried under a beautiful tree in a meadow where everything just returns to the earth. I did see a place like this on a TV documentary recently - you have a wicker coffin or something like that. The burial grounds cannot be touched.....so they say. The views were spectacular and I just thought that should any of my nearest and dearest feel like visiting me then it wouldn't be too depressing for them. Nice to think they could sit down in the meadow and have a picnic and a glass or two of vino and remember the good times.


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## suffolkian (Jul 25, 2007)

asprn said:


> Daphne said:
> 
> 
> > One thing which really did throw me, was when we picked up the jars from the undertakers, about a year after the funerals. My dad had always been quite a large chap, and my mum was very small and quite frail. Both jars were the same size, but when I picked them up, I found to my horror that they still had the same weight proportions.  That really did shake me, and took me a little while to get a hold of the reaction.
> ...


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## carol (May 9, 2005)

mauramac said:


> I was originally going to ask if anyone knew that but I didn't have the heart to. I'm sure we are not the only ones wondering.
> 
> I want to be buried under a beautiful tree in a meadow where everything just returns to the earth. I did see a place like this on a TV documentary recently - you have a wicker coffin or something like that. The burial grounds cannot be touched.....so they say. The views were spectacular and I just thought that should any of my nearest and dearest feel like visiting me then it wouldn't be too depressing for them. Nice to think they could sit down in the meadow and have a picnic and a glass or two of vino and remember the good times.


We have just moved to Yeoford, Nr Crediton, and driving down the lane from home towards Cheriton Bishop (A30 junction) I noticed a Woodland Burials place, which I will investigate when I get more time.

We saw the wicker coffins at the Devon County Show a few years ago, but why we can't just be bound in cotton or some such cloth as the arabs are beats me, as a wicker coffin was very expensive.... me the cheaper the better, as my aunt has always said, a black plastic bag in the wheelie bin will do her....

Carol


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

Daphne said:


> Re: the amount of ashes in the urn. Does anyone know if you are left in your coffin when cremation takes place or not?


Yes.



Daphne said:


> Is it really my Mum and Dads ashes or everyone that has been done that day


The crematorium staff are under strict legal obligation to do them individually, and in fact, it's not difficult to control, given each cremation happens individually there & then, not at the end of the day en masse. 8O

I wasn't going say this, but decided to add it, in view of Puphne's broad approach to life. Our best friend went through a terrible divorce a few years ago, during which, the cat died. The cat was the husband's, and she hated it (only slightly less than her husband). He kept the ashes on the mantelpiece, and talked to them on occasion. After a particularly bad evening with him, and after he went to bed, she exercised the only piece of power she felt she had left, emptied the jar, and refilled it from the coal fire. Thereafter, she took great comfort in seeing him talk to the coals.

Dougie.


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## mauramac (May 24, 2005)

Oh my word....any bloke who talks to his dead cats ashes deserves all he gets....sorry, that sounds a bit harsh....but really :roll: 

Having said that....talk about double standards.........

I've got my dear old pooch's ashes on top of the dresser and yes I do like to think he is still with me even though I know that when he died and I was inconsolable and howling my head off I most definitely 'heard' my Mum saying to me, "It's ok I've got him, he's with me now" Mum having passed away the year previous. Now I don't know what happened but in that instant the tears and the sobbing just stopped. I didn't stop them they just stopped all on their own and I felt sort of calm. He was only a little old mongrel but he had been my constant companion for 17 years and I don't know how I would have coped when my Mum passed away if not for him so I'm keeping an open mind on all of that sort of thing from now on.

I don't talk to the ashes tho :lol:


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## locovan (Oct 17, 2007)

http://www.lifegem.com/
How about this one I think this is a lovely one to be remembered by :lol:

http://www.heavensabovefireworks.com/ this is a lovely idea too.

and you can be shot up in space as well in a space ship 8O
http://www.memorialspaceflights.com/


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

asprn said:


> The crematorium staff are under strict legal obligation to do them individually, and in fact, it's not difficult to control, given each cremation happens individually there & then, not at the end of the day en masse. 8O
> 
> Dougie.


Thank you very much. I really needed to know that and so I can approach this last labour of love for Mum and Dad in the full knowledge there is a 51\49 chance of me not cocking it up.


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

Daphne said:


> Thank you very much. I really needed to know that and so I can approach this last labour of love for Mum and Dad in the full knowledge there is a 51\49 chance of me not cocking it up


Good luck with it then; I'm sure it'll be fine. One other thing I found was how unhelpful the word "scatter" is. It always gave me the impression of pebbles, or perhaps grains of rice, but in fact, the ash is extremely fine - almost powder - and when released, is more like pouring rather than scattering.

Hope you don't mind the detail, but that's usually where the devil is. :roll:

Dougie.


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## Motorhomersimpson (May 9, 2005)

Daphne said:


> asprn said:
> 
> 
> > The crematorium staff are under strict legal obligation to do them individually, and in fact, it's not difficult to control, given each cremation happens individually there & then, not at the end of the day en masse. 8O
> ...


Hi Pusser,

please, please, make sure you pick a day where its' not too windy, I would hate to happen to you what I saw happening recently.

Two of us riding motorbikes in a 40mph zone along the coast road around Llanelli, we came upon a crowd of people on a grass verge opposite side of the road, we were heading in their direction.

As I (leading) got closer I could see one person in the group emptying an urn in a very undignified manner, to make matters worse it was very windy, the ashes were blown everywhere except over the flower bed on the verge, which I assume was the intended resting place for the ashes.

The road was strewn with ashes and the mourners were visibly shaken, but the main man who had the urn was so careless he just kept doing it, knowing full well where the ashes were going.

So just you be careful mate and pick a fine wind free day :wink:

On a lighter note, we have bike-to-bike radios on our bikes my mate and I, just after we passed this sorry state of affairs, my mate was on the radio asking if I had seen what had just happened, he then went to say he now had a hitchhiker as a pillion :lol:

I was laughing so much we had to stop, I hope the poor sole that the ashes belonged to had a sense humor and would approve of his joke, I know I would if it were me :lol:

MHS...Rob


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## locovan (Oct 17, 2007)

I have thought about this today and I would like to be scattered on our beach-- here-- but knowing my luck, a dog would come along and poo on me and I would end up in a perfume doggy bag and thrown in a bin and then taken to the local tip, where, I would lay for 100's of years as they say that plastic doesnt rot down. 8O


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

[quote="MotorhomersimpsonOn a lighter note, we have bike-to-bike radios on our bikes my mate and I, just after we passed this sorry state of affairs, my mate was on the radio asking if I had seen what had just happened, he then went to say he now had a hitchhiker as a pillion :lol: MHS...Rob [/quote]

   Must have been a bit of a surprise for the deceased as well. One minute in a jar, the next popping out like a genie and finally finding oneself a Hells Angel.


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## Moledrain (Sep 20, 2006)

This post contains some details of cremation, 'from the other side of the curtain' please don't read on if you may be distressed by what I've written.

Many years ago, as a young man, I worked for an electrical contracting company that won the contract to completely rewire a busy London Crematorium. 

Initially, we installed the wiring in two new houses in the grounds that had been built for key crematorium workers. My colleague and I enjoyed working there as it was very quiet and peaceful and made a change from the usual jobs we were given.

Then the boss came one day and said to follow him as we'd been given further work to carry out. He led the way down some steps and into the rear of the Crematorium. I was a bit apprehensive as to what I was going to see but we entered a large room, fully tiled in white and spotless and with four gas fired ovens on the go. The guvnor waved his hand and said that all the wiring down here is coming out and being renewed, including the oven controls. I remember looking round at four or five coffins resting on wall brackets and coming over a bit peculiar.

Eventually the day came when we started work down there and I still felt uneasy until the staff made us feel welcome and explained a few simple rules. The main rule being that the utmost respect was to be shown at all times while in the working area and anywhere within sight or sound of the mourners. This meant that when the red light was glowing, meaning a service in progress, all activities that made a noise ceased. This in turn made for much sitting on toolboxes and drinking tea.

When our ordinary work was done- lights and power points - it was time to do the ovens. The Crematorium Superintendent said the ovens could not be idle during the day so it would mean night work to rewire them.

No problem says I since all the new conduit and cabling had already been placed alongside the old and so it was just a simple matter of changing over the wiring terminations. A one man job and I volunteered 'cos I wanted the overtime.

I went home and had me tea and went back about six thirty, it was wintertime and dark. I let myself in and went downstairs and immediately regretted what I'd done. Coffins were still on brackets and I was on my own. All ovens had been shut down earlier and the place was as silent as the grave, if you'll pardon the expression. 

Then, there were odd metallic sounds, which were amplified in the basement room because of no soundproofing, which turned out to be the flue pipes contracting while they cooled. Then there was the howling wind, where glowing embers bursting into flame caused a rush of air up the flue.

OK, I lost my nerve and rang my best friend and asked if he'd like to see the inside of the Crematorium? He came up to keep me company and all wiring was completed and tested off. Of course, I never told my mates that I'd chickened out and they thought I was 'cool' or whatever the expression was then.

To describe the cremation procedure as I witnessed it, after the curtains closed upstairs, the coffin was manually wound down into the basement and either put on a bracket, or placed straight into an oven. Each coffin has a name on and the below stairs staff had a copy of the times and order of arrival at the facility for all cremations that day.

The coffin would be slid into the oven and the name card placed in a slot on the outside. Gas (lit of course) and compressed air jets along the length of the oven were used to reduce the coffin and deceased to ashes.
(Staff once showed me a deceased who was being reduced by forced air alone, as so much alcohol was in the body.)

Occasionally, it could be seen from the staff's work list that a deceased was a child. The atmosphere down there would go even more reverential and experienced men might have tears in their eyes. As one of the older chaps said to me, you never get used to it - just develop a coping strategy, which I suppose is also the way most of our blue light services get by.

When the ashes can be reduced no longer in the oven, they are carefully swept out into a tray where a hand held electro magnet pulls out all sorts of metal objects, from nails to artificial joints.

The ashes then go into a grinder to reduce them to the powder like state some of us have seen in an urn. The name card follows the ashes which are placed in a plastic bag and sent upstairs to be placed in a suitable urn.

To finish, at all times I never saw any disrespect from the staff, or from fraternising with various Undertakers staff in the staff canteen. I'm happy that the bereaved receive back their loved one in their entirety, excluding a few nails.

Of course, this was how it was quite a few years back and at that particular crematorium but I've no reason to think things have changed much.

Respectfully, Moley.


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

Many thanks for that enlightening story Mr. Drain or may I call you Mole. This bit of personal experience does I am sure give myself and other members some sense of assurement of dignity that has befallen our loved ones and probably us at hopefully a much later date.
Very much appreciated indeed.


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## mauramac (May 24, 2005)

locovan said:


> http://www.lifegem.com/
> How about this one I think this is a lovely one to be remembered by :lol:
> 
> http://www.heavensabovefireworks.com/ this is a lovely idea too.
> ...


:signcool:


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## patnles (Oct 26, 2006)

Thankyou Moledrain,
That's quite reassuring to know.
Lesley


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## carol (May 9, 2005)

Moley as others have said, very interesting and I think well worth you have related it here.

I was going to tell Pusser about two stories, one of a young friend of 38 who died of asthma suddenly back about 16 years ago - his funeral was in Leeds where he lived, I was there to comfort his wife my friend. The funeral service was held, and we left for the wake to a nearby pub, after a couple of hours, she asked if I would accompany her with her sister back to the crematorium where they were to collect and scatter his ashes. 

We arrived, to be told that they were running a little late, so my friend went into the little chapel, which her sister and I walked around the beautiful gardens. The vicar came out and it had been decided to scatter them down by the riverside there under the trees.... (I thought, poor fellow, will be wheezing forever). 

Next day happened to be their anniversary, so she took her 6 year old son and with her sister and her two little ones, they went for a picnic.... the children were then seen to find the ashes, and said, oh, look snow...and picked up them in handfulls and left them fall..... I shall never forget it, but the ashes didn't at that time seem that small.

The second little story, was Duncan's father, who died four years ago now. He had always wanted his ashes scattered in the River Barle on Exmoor and had picked his spot.

The grandchildren decided they didn't want to be there, so it was just Duncan and I, (I have the photos to prove it). It all went well, they floated off a bit, but a lot sank.

The next day on the local news, their was pollution in the River Barle..... oops...was that grandad we asked?

Pusser, you will do it right, and I hope you do have a good day for it, not like the horrible wet one we have here in Devon at the moment.

Carol


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## carolgavin (May 9, 2005)

Definately be careful how and where you scatter them. We scattered my granny up at one of the lochs she loved. 
It was a beautiful calm day no wind at all, just perfect for a scattering.   
Just as my dad threw the ashes into the loch a freak gust of wind caught them and blew them in our faces and that of the poor wee folk who just happened to walk by. 
It's not nice spitting out yerr granny!!!!!!


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

So much for trying to keep it subtle. :roll: :roll: :roll:


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

asprn said:


> So much for trying to keep it subtle. :roll: :roll: :roll:


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

We on Wednesday I drove us down to Exmouth and stayed in Lord Dobinsons hotel with wonderful views across the exe estuary from a beautiful garden with pool. 

Lord D. booked us in and a very nice chap indeed but the hotel only does superb breakfasts leaving us to choose from a multitude of top class resturants in the town and we chose Tesco's. I got a crap bit of smoked salmon as they did not do Tescos finest, only Tescos crappiest. Wifey got a box of salmon in a rocket salad etc and she was over joyed. Actually she would get overjoyed with anything providing it was cheap and doesn't "waste" money.

Bit nervours that evening because the next day I was scattering Mum and Dads ashes.

Today I did just that at 13:00p.m. o'clock Alpha time.

I really would love to say it was a moving experience but I was left simply watching a black suited verger with an earing in his ear, swing first one and then the other copper sprinkler between his legs and the ashes made a cross on the grass and a mess of his black trousers.

Wifey was moved to tears but I just could not associate this bizarre ritual with my parents so I will comfort myself with my very happy memories of them enhanced with now invaluable video footage.


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## locovan (Oct 17, 2007)

Im sorry it didnt go as you had hoped Pusser.
Its something you build yourself up to and plan and then when it isnt what you hoped ??---but its done now and you can move on with your life now.
All the best.


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## Hezbez (Feb 7, 2009)

RIP Pusser's Mum and Dad.

A new chapter in your life is now beginning and you will always have your good memories of them both. Chin up


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## Motorhomersimpson (May 9, 2005)

Hi pusser,

as has been stated time to move on, your mum & dad would have wanted it that way I'm sure :wink: 

From what you describe, I can understand your wife crying, but also understand how you would feel detached from it all.

Rob


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

Pusser said:


> ...watching a black suited verger with an earing in his ear, swing first one and then the other copper sprinkler between his legs


Quite an image, and one you could probably do without remembering. Given that rituals aren't for the departed but for the remaining, you'll hopefully be able to take comfort in the memories of your Mum and Dad as opposed to memories of yesterday. A rite of passage indeed, but the thing about passages is that they allow us to move between places. Life's never the same without our parents, but it's the memories of them which we take with us on our own passage.

Dougie.


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## Hampshireman (Apr 18, 2007)

This is my first look into this thread. I like Pusser's posts and feel there is a bit of me lurking in him or vice versa with the humour.

RIP to your folks mate.

The family always determined that my mum being from Darlo yet living with us down south for several years would be laid to rest or scattered back up there. Grandma's bridge which was the bridge over the Tees as you enter the town from the south and was what the kids noticed after a 300 mile drive up there to see her.

So that's where it would be, over the bridge into that majestic, but shallow at that point river.

Madam and I took the urn with us during a longish trip round the UK in the van and on the day we were leaving Darlo it was absolutely hissing it down with a typical North East wind. I stopped near the bridge in awful visibility and left madam inside, the hazards on bright in the gloom at 10am. Waterproof on but not doing much for me, I found that there was no steps or access down to the river, but back about 50 yds there was a grassy track. So not over the bridge parapet Mum. The undertaker had recommended that I transfer the ashes into a carrier bag and puncture it to prevent the blow back if casting them on the ground, but I forgot, but managed OK.

I scrambled and slid down to the river side, but beaten by the mass if nettles and overgrowth and passing a sign, saying Private, Darlington Fishing Club. Mum is now a member after her epic trip, via a MHF rally at Burnham, then stops at Swansea, Blackpool, Bowness, Rothbury and Seahouses.

I did feel quite emotional even in that foul weather and the incongruity of the situation although she had been dead for about 4 years.


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

Thank you all for your support during and since and now. It is the end of a saga and while it has had some terribly upsetting moments, it does dramatically change your views, feelings and ambitions. Probably best of all is that in someways, I have returned a fraction of the love and work my parents put into my life.

I have to say, I am not very happy with Gods planning that we all have to die. I think we should all one day meet up heaven, providing some of us are allowed in, and get an action group together. 8)


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

Pusser said:


> Thank you all for your support during and since and now. *It is the end of a saga* . . .


Does this post suggest that you would like the thread closed Puss?

Easily done - you need only ask.

Dave


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## Pusser (May 9, 2005)

Zebedee said:


> Pusser said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you all for your support during and since and now. *It is the end of a saga* . . .
> ...


Yep. I think that would be a good thing and many thanks.


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

'Tis done.

No problem.

Dave


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