# The largest number of Jokes in one place..Do not look unles



## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

As MHF is no 1 for everything I thought maybe we could become a record holder. To have the longest record of Jokes in one place.
*So please if you visit the post please leave a joke, any joke will do. Lets see if we can get into the record breakers? There is no time limit so post away

Let us match the no of visits with the number of posts.* 
You can post as many times as you like but only one Joke per post please.
*Please do not post without a Joke as it will make it harder to count the Jokes.*

Don't hang around folks









Thanks

Steve


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## olley (May 1, 2005)

is this a joke steve?

Olley


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## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

Nope now you have to post 2 jokes Olley to catch up
Joke 3 After Olleys 2

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"


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## geraldandannie (Jun 4, 2006)

Okee dokee, Steve.

Sven had his team talk before the start of the World Cup.

"Now. As you know. Wayne had been injured. So we will. Be giving him. A cortisone injection before each match."

David Backham jumps up, throws his boots to the floor, and storms out of the meeting. Sven catches up with him.

"David. What is the matter?"

"How come Rooney gets a car for every match he plays?"

Edit: P.S. You didn't say they had to be good jokes.


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## olley (May 1, 2005)

hi Steve, OK I thought it was a joke.

Olley


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## geraldandannie (Jun 4, 2006)

So, our England boys are having a break from their training. Sven comes over with a flask of tea, and pours some out.

"What's that?" asks Bekham.

"A flask."

"What's it for?"

"it's an insulated container."

"In ... insul ... what's it do?"

"Well. It keeps hot things hot. It can also keep cool things cool."

Becks looks at it, face filled with wonder. "I've got to get one of them."

Next day, Becks arrives at the training ground, and waves the Thermos at Sven. "Got one, Sven."

Sven comes over, and becks opens the flask, to reveal a brown sticky mess. "Good God, David, what have you got there?"

"A Thermos. You said it keeps hot things hot, and cool things cool. So I brought some soup and a choc ice."

Sorry :?


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## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

Ok Olley
Yep I probably deserve it :lol: :lol: :wink: :wink: 


olley said:


> hi Steve, OK I thought it was a joke.
> 
> Olley


But you should know me better than that


stevercar said:


> Olley
> 
> 
> olley said:
> ...


I give in searching for it Olley but I remember something about 30ft and only having a small one. Ah well we can't all be big. Ahmm Ok 10ft shorter than you.
So here are your starter for 3 :lol: :lol:

RV Jokes
Wish and ye shall receive:
A RVing couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.

Mistaken identity

A dog was resting in a campground and an RVer was reading nearby on a lawn chair.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a recently arrived camper asked. The RVer looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

Yet when the camper approached the animal, it began snarling and growling, and then attacked his legs. After pulling away from the crazed animal, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The RVer muttered, "Ain't my dog."

The good ol' days

A couple of elderly RVers who'd recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary were sitting on the sofa in their Airstream motorhome, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk toward the rear of the motorhome.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

Yes Olley
Snow Joke









So Olley for all that effort surely it deserves a joke?

Steve


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## spykal (May 9, 2005)

*That's Snot Fair, you stole my snow.........typical* :lol:

MHF is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different branches, all at

different levels, some are at the bottom and still climbing up, like Steve.

The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing by a***holes.


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## olley (May 1, 2005)

Hi Steve sorry still don't understand you said this post was for jokes, and I said are you joking, you said its no joke; so its not for joking then?

Please explain is it a joke or is it not for joking, cause if its a joke then thats Ok but if its not a joke then thats ok as well, I just need to know if when you say "its joke" are you joking? 

Olley


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## 97291 (Jan 15, 2006)

A man is having problems with his pe**s, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last thirty years. Your pe**s is burned out. You only have thirty erections left in your pe**s."
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him.
She says, "Oh no, only THIRTY erections left! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."


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## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

*.*

Olley
As you know I am a scouser
You have 1hr to post as you should, or your house is on email to 20,ooo thousand bowling balls. they will fill your house. The police will arrive and you will tell them you have captured 20,000 scousers trying to get tickets to the final of the world cup. 
If you ignore me 20,000 scousers are on route to Huntingdon. I must warn you I know the area well. I can pinpoint your resting place to within 10yds. I placed a tracker on Keiths RV at the weekend.
Got to go and leave you to fend off the scouse invasion.

Yours humbally In your dreams

Steve


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## 97291 (Jan 15, 2006)

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for £20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"


Vince


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## olley (May 1, 2005)

Hi Steve is that a joke?

Olley


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## 97291 (Jan 15, 2006)

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own ******** blanket.


Vince


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## geraldandannie (Jun 4, 2006)

A beautiful young girl dated her man for several years, always telling him "I'm a virgin, and I want my first time to be special. I want to wait until we're married." Despite his growing frustration, he always accepts her wishes.

Eventually, the happy day comes round. They have a beautiful white wedding in a big church, with all of their families and friends. During the reception, they hold hands under the table, and she smiles sweetly.

After the reception and the party, and all the guests have gone home, they retire to their bedroom. She excuses herself, and says she's a little embarassed, this being her first time and all, so she gets changed for bed in the bathroom. She reappears in a silk nightgown, her body beautiful and soft, and she sits on the bed.

He slowly takes off his shirt, his trousers, and finally his underwear, revealing his manhood in a highly aroused state.

She looks at him, and looks away quickly. "What ... what's that?" she asks, pointing at his member.

"It's my pen*s."

She looks again. "Call that a pen*s?"


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## geraldandannie (Jun 4, 2006)

David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating.

He answers "Well, babe, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that's good?" asks Posh.
"Flippin' right, darlin'," says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."


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## geraldandannie (Jun 4, 2006)

David Beckham has gone crazy, believing Posh has been having an affair. In a manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun.

He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Wayne Rooney.

Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head.

"No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out."

"Shut up, Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."


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## 97291 (Jan 15, 2006)

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he
accidentally ran over her favourite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a
pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally
distraught.

The whole world was against him and now his mother would go
ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said
the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'

'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need,
but let me show you this dog.'

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. 'Do you think
you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.
'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is
there something else you would like?'

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled
out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,'
said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. 'But now I 
love
this woman called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo.

'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make
Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said,
'Let's have a look at that dog again.


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## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."


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## 97291 (Jan 15, 2006)

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City,
where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may
visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as
the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. 
you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to
go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.
Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!"she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she
goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are
drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic
streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. 
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!


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## spykal (May 9, 2005)

Hi Sharbul

You missed out the last bit:

This store opened opposite the Husband store...same rules as before

THE WIFE STORE (get a new wife)

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has women that love sex.

The second floor has women that love sex and have money.

*The third through sixth floors have never been 
visited.*


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## 97291 (Jan 15, 2006)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local Ipubs to be

alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go
home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then

simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men
will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women

whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly

what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that

"something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the

unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment

referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam

after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it,

there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your

shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here:

Beer Demo http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf


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## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

Now that must be some size?

Lights On

A man lives in his house. He also works out of his house and his job is very important. Everyday the man must sleep with the lights on to avert from tradgedy. One night the man gets so sick of the light he turns it out for the night. The next moring he reads the newspaper, takes out a gun, and shoots himself.

Where did the man live ?


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## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

A Light House


Air Sick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep. 

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. 

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest. 

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. 

"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"


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## 97291 (Jan 15, 2006)

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one
day when he
sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself
off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what
the hell d'ya
think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce.
Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm
gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
He says
"Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great sh*g
but you're a real sport
too." and drives off.


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## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Man Utd are the greatest football team ever." Snow White says: "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

A Man Utd scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. Ferguson is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself.

The boy arrives in Manchester for Saturday's game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Van Nisselroy gets injured and is stretchered off. Ferguson points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us".

The lad strips off his tracksuit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. Prawns fly everywhere as the crowd go mad (for it).

After the game Ferguson gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room. "Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office".

The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum:

Boy: "Mum, I've just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick! You don't sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?"
Mum: "No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground."
Boy: "God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry"
Mum: "So you should be. It was your idea for all of us to move to Manchester!"


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## 97291 (Jan 15, 2006)

A man is out shopping one day when he sees a blonde is looking at him.

She waves over and he says to her "I'm sorry do I know you"

she says "I think you might be the father of one of my children!"

the man casts his mind back to the one time he has been unfaithful.

He says "Aren't you the stripper from my stag night that I had sex with 

over the snooker table while your mate whipped me and stuck a cucumber up my ar*e?"

She says 

Wait for it


"NO I'M YOUR SONS ENGLISH TEACHER"


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## 94055 (May 1, 2005)

*A blind pilot is flying this plane?*
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!


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