# Jokes Trivia Poetry videos & other general nonsense



## Pudsey_Bear

I've abandoned my joke thread as I sometimes want to post different things.

You are all invited to post your jokes etc here too.

To kick it off.

Getting rid of stress

Walk barefoot – doing so stimulates pressure points on the soles, releasing the calming hormone dopamine.


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## spykal

I thought

and I thought

and I thought in vain

and so I simply wrote my Name.


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## spykal

Ok Kev the autograph book poetry was a cr*p idea ... but I have just remembered a great video that I saw that helped explain the economic crisis in Europe so thought I should pop it in here .... it's just the sort of thing to kick off your thread...honest !!! :wink:


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## Pudsey_Bear

Not sure what to make of that.


This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real T**t when you're drunk."


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## Pudsey_Bear

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, 
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the shwing."

=====================================================================

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. 
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained: 

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!" 

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!" 


:lol: :lol: :lol:


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## Pudsey_Bear

=======================================================

A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says, "Hey, I lost 90 Kilos!" 

=======================================================


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## lifestyle

This is an old one,so here goes.

A guy sitting in a pub with his mates.when every time someone walks in they greet him with" Hello Eric ".
This goes on all night every time someone walks in.One of his mates says " blimey Eric your popular in here tonight."
Eric says " where ever i go people know me ",Ah come off it said his mate.
I`ll prove it said Eric .They leave the pub and hail a taxi and the driver says hello Eric.
His mate says " your are setting me up " i`m not says Eric,even the pope know me "No way said his mate "
I will prove it to you and set off to the vatican in Rome.
Walking through the corridors all the Bishops are greeting Eric until he meets the pope. Hello Eric says the pope,I`m just going out onto the balcony to greet the crowd,would you like come out with me,so out they go .
The crowd are cheering when one person in the crowd says to people around him.

Who`s that bloke with Eric


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## Pudsey_Bear

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'" 

Sorry for the antiquity :lol: :lol:


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## barryd

Kev_n_Liz said:


> Getting rid of stress
> 
> Walk barefoot - doing so stimulates pressure points on the soles, releasing the calming hormone dopamine.


Doesnt work as good as a case of Leffe Blonde though and not nearly as much fun!  Ill try drinking while walking around barefoot next time though and report back.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Lunatics


Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"


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## Pudsey_Bear

The language of women :roll: :roll: :roll: 


FINE 
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES 
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. 

NOTHING 
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" 

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) 
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) 
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH 
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" 

SOFT SIGH 
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. 

THAT'S OKAY 
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." 

GO AHEAD! 
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO 
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" 

THANKS 
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. 

THANKS A LOT 
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"


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## Pudsey_Bear

College

A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.

This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.

The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".


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## Pudsey_Bear

A sign posted in a Dentist's office said:

"Please be nice to our dentists. They have fillings too."


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## spykal

That would be an injection of humour I suppose :lol:


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## Pudsey_Bear

:roll: :roll: :roll:


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## wakk44

Kev_n_Liz said:


> :roll: :roll: :roll:


And what's wrong with dentist humour ?

Q: What does the dentist of the year get?

>

>

>

A: A little plaque


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## Pudsey_Bear

wakk44 said:


> Kev_n_Liz said:
> 
> 
> 
> :roll: :roll: :roll:
> 
> 
> 
> And what's wrong with dentist humour ?
> 
> Q: What does the dentist of the year get?
> 
> >
> 
> >
> 
> >
> 
> A: A little plaque
Click to expand...

Nothing I posted the first one, do keep up Wak please, Spykals was rubbish as usual :wink: :wink:


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## Pudsey_Bear

Marriage.

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her. 

He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes. 

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan. 

The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?

Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?

The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.

The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor. 

Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.


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## Pudsey_Bear

You'll like this one. :lol: :lol: :lol: 

It's a scroller so go to the end












A couple was making their first doctors visit prior to the birth of their first child. After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink. 















The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. 



































In very small letters, the stamp said, 














































“When you can read this, come back and see me.”


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## Pudsey_Bear

This is just silly.

Try this you wont believe what happens after you draw a stick man!! Don't stop it until the smaller box is opened!

http://www.drawastickman.com/]linky doodah[/url]


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## pippin

Try this

http://www.drawastickman.com/


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## Penquin

Now that is fun.....

but your link didn't work due to some hiccup, try this;

http://www.drawastickman.com/

Thanks,

Dave


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## pippin

SNAP!


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## Pudsey_Bear

Odd I just clicked it and had to do another stick man.


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## Pudsey_Bear

“How did school go today? a mother asked her little boy. “Fine”, the little fellow replied. “We had a new teacher and she wanted to know if I had any brothers and I told her I was an only child”. What did she say?” his mother asked. “The teacher said, “Thank goodness” 


=========================================================



Love of your parents.

If your parents can help you walk the first steps of your life, then why can you not help them walk their last steps of their life?


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## Pudsey_Bear

If you can’t find a lawyer who knows the law, find a lawyer who knows the judge. 

__________________________________________________________________________________




The pains of life 

In life there are 2 great pains...

The pain of getting what you want & the pain of not getting what you want.


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## Pudsey_Bear

A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a beautiful white horse caught his eye. 

The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for curious the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale. The worker trying to communicate said “No, no, he no look too good.” 

The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. 

He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened. The worker said, “I told you he no look to good”. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________


EAT BALANCED MEALS

Plan your meals to include foods high in complex carbohydrates (fruits, vegetables, grains and starches). Reduce the fat in your diet to below 30% per day.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground. 

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter. 

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends. 

"My watch is 30 minutes slow." 

(((((Sorry)))))


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## Pudsey_Bear

A very oldy

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!

Tee hee :lol: :lol:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*Identity Theft Advise *

Here is some advice from the Theft Resource Center (USA) to help keep a lock on your identity during the holiday season.

Use a Credit Card, not a debit card, to make purchases. It's easier to get a fraudulent credit card charge erased than it is to get a bank to restore funds to your bank account.

Carry one credit card; leave the rest home "It's easier to close one credit card than it is to close six, and it's less damaging in the long run"

Be aware of your surroundings. If you're opening a new credit account, don't do it at a register (till) or counter where strangers can overhear you or the clerk talking about your information.

Watch for people looking at your credit card as it's being passed to or from the clerk.

Watch your card every moment that the clerk has it so it's not "skimmed" by a dishonest store employee.

Put your credit receipt in your wallet or purse, not in the bag with the item.

- Most credit card receipts are truncated, but the last thing you want is somebody to do a quick dip (in your bag), and they've got it. -


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## Pudsey_Bear

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know. 

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."


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## StAubyns

A yorkshire man was in the pub when his phone rang. He listened for a while, broke into a smile and announced drinks all round as he was now the proud father of a 25 pound baby boy.

A couple of weeks later he was asked how the baby was getting on . He replied "brilliant and a healthy 20 pounds"

But says the landlord, I thought he was 25 pounds when he was born?

he was says the yorkshire man
.
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but I had him circumcised yesterday   :lol: :lol:


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## Pudsey_Bear

You can tell a bloke form Yorkshire, but you can't tell him much.


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## Pudsey_Bear

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?" the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"
___________________________________________________________________________

*Optimist vs. Pessimist*

"The difference between optimists and pessimists is that generally, pessimists have had more experience."

_*Clare Booth Luce*_


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## Pudsey_Bear

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”


________________________________________________________________________

Doing nothing 
The problem with doing nothing is you never know when you’re done. 

James Fineous McBride


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## Pudsey_Bear

How to solve the problem of too many visiting relatives. 

Borrow money from the rich ones and lend it to the poor ones. 

Now none of them will come back. 

___________________________________________________________________________

"We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a tough mind with a tender heart." 

-Martin Luther King, Jr.


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## prof20

*Funny Crazy Advert*

What can you say about this!!???

http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=7701df639c75

Roger


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## Pudsey_Bear

A very fit talented head the ball.


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## prof20

*Filming Low Flying Aircraft in The Welsh Valleys*

Spectacular! Another one for you aviation enthusiasts.

Crank up the volume and hide captions!

Low Flying Jets - The Mach Loop, Wales

The Mach Loop (also known as the Machynlleth Loop) refers to a series of valleys in west-central Wales, notable for their use as low-level training areas for fast jet aircraft. The system of valleys lies 8 miles east of Barmouth and is nestled between the towns of Dolgellau to the north and Machynlleth to the south, the latter of which it takes its name from. The training area is within the Low Flying Area (LFA) LFA7, which covers most of Wales.

Aircraft which use the training area include Royal Air Force Tornado, Typhoon and Hawk jets, as well as US Air Force F-15E jets, which are based at RAF Lakenheath.











Roger


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## Pudsey_Bear

:roll:


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## Pudsey_Bear

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.” 

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." 

__________________________________________________________________________

Lucky woman and lucky man

Lucky is the woman who is the mans last love and

lucky is the man who is the womans first love.


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## prof20

*Soviet Military Marching to Spongebob Squarepants.*

Funny!











Roger


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## Pudsey_Bear

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"

    

Sleep! It's good for you! 

A recent study shows that America is the most sleep-deprived nation. Perhaps due to there strict work ethics and busy lives, many Americans have been treating sleep as if it were an option. The study also found that pessimism, crankiness, and overall stress is linked to a lack of sleep. 

Right you lot get some kip :black:

To stay healthy and combat stress, make sure to schedule in a good amount of sleep as a priority.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Rude joke.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Oddball quote.

By Kash Rozani from karachi Pakistan 

love... 

Love Is When Some One Hurts You And You Get So Mad, But You Don’t Yell Or Look At Her Because You Know It Would Hurt Her Feelings....SpArK
______________________________________________________________________________

You can add your own jokes too, that's the idea behind this thread.


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## Pudsey_Bear

So one day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for

Grandma's kitchen. 
"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!" 

________________________________________________________________________________

Five new words a day.

Try to learn five new words a day and use these new words in conversations you have during this day. If you just learn the five new words and don’t use them it is simply a waste of time.

I struggle to remember the ones I have :roll:


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## prof20

*Jim and Edna*

This may have been posted previously, apologies if it has. Still funny nonetheless.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One Christmas Eve day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna , I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home ?"

Roger
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ask the American Indians about the dangers of uncontrolled immigration. (From an American RV site).


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## Pudsey_Bear

A man looking for love sent his picture to the Lonely Hearts Club.

The reply came back, “We are not that lonely.”

___________________________________________________________________________________

By Ana Bogdanovic from Ellenbrook Australia 

Nothing tastes as good as feeling thin! 

If you think you're going to cave in and eat that whole box of cookies, just remember how you will feel afterwards. 
Guilty, sad, angry? 
Does it feel as good as you thought? 
Was it worth it? Of course not. 
It will just set you back on the yo-yo roller coaster which is really hard to get off. 
If you really must, just have one - not the whole box!


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## pippin

The vicar turns up at a remote country church one cold winters day to say evensong.

Just one old farmer turns up.

The vicar asks him whether just to have a few prayers and then go home.

The farmer replies that as he has made the effort he would prefer evensong.

So, the vicar goes through the service and preaches a magnificent long sermon.

As they leave at the end the farmer compliments the vicar on the wonderful sermon but tells him:

"If I have only one chicken to feed, I don't give it the whole bucket of corn!"


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## Pudsey_Bear

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. 
The policeman asked for a description. 
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children".
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" 

___________________________________________________________________________

In Love...

Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery


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## prof20

*Insane American Hill Climb*

This guy is bonkers! Almost vertical cliff.

Courtesy of You Tube.











Roger


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## Pudsey_Bear

Doctors Jokes :: #449
By from Unknown

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

___________________________________________________________________________


Live your days...

Think about yesterday as if it’ll never come back; Live your day as if you’ll die tomorrow; and plan your tomorrow as if you`ll live forever...


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”


__________________________________________________________________________

Achieving Your Dream...

The art of making your dream a reality is simply remaining committed long enough for reality to catch up to your dream.


----------



## prof20

*We Didn't Own an I-Pad.....*

Clever.

Courtesy of You-Tube.











Roger


----------



## prof20

*No Nookie For Him Tonight!*

Or perhaps ever again.

Courtesy of Live Leak & You Tube











Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Proverb ...

"I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

- Nikos Kazantzakis -


----------



## prof20

*Best Redundancy Letter Ever*

If true not good news for those laid off, but it makes sense....

Courtesy of Liveleak.

Roger


----------



## prof20

*Flying Russian*

Russian getting airborne using leaf blowers. (I don't think).

Can you see the wire?

http://englishrussia.com/2012/10/25/ikarus-of-the-new-level/#more-112693

Roger


----------



## prof20

*Argument With The Boss.*

You don't fall out with the employee driving a big loader.....

At least the lights still work.

Courtesy of You Tube.











Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. 

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." 

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost £500 playing cards." She screams, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.


----------



## prof20

*One way to make sure they remember you at the dealership*

Funny! (Not for the salesman though).

Courtesy of You Tube.











Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Shame it's not real what a sight they would have been, immediate surrender.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. 

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." 

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. 

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, an ambulance killed her. 

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 

"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of 

the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you”.

__________________________________________________________________________________________


Give it up ...

Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody's watching, and love like you've never been hurt.


----------



## prof20

*Carrying Chickens in Your Car.*

Courtesy of You Tube






Roger


----------



## prof20

*Now that's a BOMBER!*

Courtesy of You Tube.
(And Kev's thread).

The B-36 from Strategic Air Command.

Sheer Beauty.











Roger


----------



## prof20

*Now I Know Where Dave's Avatat Came From!*

Courtesy of You Tube & Kev.











Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Don't like that bloody photoshopped cat.

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.

A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.

Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."

Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing." 

Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

____________________________________________________________________________________________________


QUOTE: Success, Emerson...

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success." 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


----------



## prof20

*A Two-Letter Word.*

A two letter word...
I never knew one word in the English language that can be so many things..... a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.

UP

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

You missed SHUT UP Roger :wink: :wink:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

_______________________________________________________________________​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

“Doc!” the man yells. I've lost my memory!”

“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”

The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad." 
________________________________________________________________________________________

Very apt fort interweb

[marq=up:c4ce55781a]WHEN MORE IS LESS ...

In searching for information on any matter, it is easy to get too much information. We should all remember that the more information that we have, the greater the opportunity to choose the misinformation that suits our personal purposes.[/marq:c4ce55781a]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

[marq=left:ed7b0a7249]"Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for $1,000! I can't pay that before the end of the month!"

"Okay, you have six months to live."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++[/marq:ed7b0a7249]

[marq=up:ed7b0a7249]Regret 
Don't cry because it's over,

Smile because it's happened.[/marq:ed7b0a7249]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I expected some interesting comments about the floating text, but got none, I was just messing around.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A man is being interviewed for a job. "What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?" "The slightest noise wakes me up."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

*When A Man Loves a Woman *

_There are two things a man cannot hide: The fact that he is drunk, and the fact that he is in love._


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

£££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££

_*Finding Courage *_

_Courage is finding the inner strength and bravery required when confronting danger, difficulty, or opposition. Courage resides deep within each of us, ready to be accessed in those moments when we need it. It is the intangible force that propels you forward on your journey._

Cherie Carter-Scott


----------



## raynipper

April 1st................................






Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" 

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, 

"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'" 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


----------



## nicholsong

raynipper said:


> April 1st................................
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ray.


I can remember the broadcast - sad but true 

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

* I liked this one*

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

*And this one*

*LOVING*

_You don't stop loving because you grow old,

you grow old because you stop loving._

- Michael Pritchard -


----------



## prof20

*Optical Illusion Dance*

Quite amusing.

Courtesy of You Tube.






Roger


----------



## nicholsong

*Re: Optical Illusion Dance*



prof20 said:


> Quite amusing.
> 
> Courtesy of You Tube.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Roger


It was amusing but I started laughing more when the 'joined-at-the-hip' tights started slipping towards the end of the routine. :lol:

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN ,

YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE ,

SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS .

Observations On Growing Older;

Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your
grandchildren are perfect!

Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!

You forget names .... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew
you!!!

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ....
Especially Golf.

The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really
do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed.
It's called "pre-sleep".

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF"
Switch..

You tend to use more 4 letter words ....... "what?"...."when?"... ???

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it
anywhere.

You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody whispers.

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never
wear.

But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD
FRIENDS!!

Cheers "OLD FRIEND!"


----------



## pippin

Dunno about you Kev but I keep my clothes in the wardrobe. :2gunfire: 

Do you keep yours in the "double you see" :?:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

It's a bit early to be drinking :lol:


----------



## Remus

Oh perlease!!!!! Can people stop sending these heart-warming life-affirming lists of things to feel-good about because, quite frankly, I'm running out of sick bags.

Another rant brought to you courtesy of Rage-O-Remus the online app that foams at the mouse - so you don't have to.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Remus said:


> Oh perlease!!!!! Can people stop sending these heart-warming life-affirming lists of things to feel-good about because, quite frankly, I'm running out of sick bags.
> 
> Another rant brought to you courtesy of Rage-O-Remus the online app that foams at the mouse - so you don't have to.


 :lol: :lol: :lol: You are fully entitled to your opinion even if it wrong.

Just don't read them, if it is not ones cup of char ol chap :wink: :wink:

Try this one which I just received.

A Woman's Poem
©Unknown
He didn't like the casserole 
And he didn't like my cake, 
He said my biscuits were too hard 
Not like his mother used to make. 
I didn't perk the coffee right 
He didn't like the stew, 
I didn't mend his socks 
The way his mother used to do. 
I pondered for an answer 
I was looking for a clue.

>> Scroll Down, you know you want to<<

Then I turned around and 
smacked him one

>> Scroll Down again, you know you want to<<

Like his mother used to do. 
****************************************** 
I love a good poem, don't you?!?!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" 

The trainer took a long hard look at him and replied;


Scroll down








































“If I were you I'd use the ATM outside the gym!!!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

*You are what you become *

We are what we do and we are people of habit.

Make your career goals clearer and less complicated and the easier it will be for you to achieve them.

- John W. Dillow -


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Observations of a child*

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

*The meaning of life *

Life is either a bad accident or an experiment to keep god busy.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Change of direction today, no joke.

*How to Putt Like a Pro *

Putting makes up about 35-40% of your final score. If you usually shoot around 90, you likely average 34-36 putts a game. A Golf Pro on the P.G.A. usually takes 26-30 putts a round. To improve your putting, try this : Line up some coins in the form of a 4 inch wide pathway straight to the hole, 2ft. from the hole. You are putting through a 2 ft. long "tunnel", so to speak. Now, try and sink 9/10 putts from 2 ft. through this coin pathway, but, don't touch any. That is your goal - do not touch the coins. You'll soon find yourself sinking all of these putts on the practice green, and on the course too, building your confidence, and lowering your scores.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

*Healthy feet *

Give your feet a break by alternating high heels with flats at least every other day. Wearing high heels too often can permanently thin your foot's natural padding, and you women should take note too


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a knife in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a member of parliament!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a

"Living Will"

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

*Life's mathematics*

Add your friends

Subtract your enemies

Multiply your joys

Divide your sorrows

Draw a circle with God as center

and love as radius.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is. 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEeeeee


When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00 He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies. 


VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVvvvVvvvv

Club membership 
"I would never join any club that would accept me as a member" 

- Groucho Marx -

I would like to be associated with the remarks of Mr Marx


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A young man tutored his sweetheart maths,

he thought of it as his mission,

he kissed her once then once again and said

"There, that's addition!"

She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action,

she kissed once and once again,

smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"

Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication,

they kissed each other once, then twice,

and said "that must be multiplication!"

Meanwhile the young lady's father

had this 'lesson' in his vision,

he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said

"Then that is long division!"

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB


Creativity 
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. 

-- Scott Adams American Cartoonist

(He knows me well)


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. 

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the checkout girl. 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


One for Barry  

ITS TRUE! 
Drinking a glass or two of wine everyday is actually good for you. A recent study says that people who regularly drink a glass of wine get fewer colds than the average person. Just don't go overboard, too much of anything is never a good thing. Apparently, it's the flavonoids on grape skin that do the trick, which means you could just eat some grapes everyday, too.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

*Doing well in business.*

Want to do well in your own business? The three stages of success are....
Give everyone the impression that you are a creative genius. 
Employ people who can run the business better than you can. 
Let them get on with it.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I heard about an old girlfriend of mine yesterday, nice girl, blonde blue eyes, a really cute dutch girl with inflatable shoes, but she's popped her clogs.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*staying calm *

Some tips to relieving stress:

-eat more fruits and veggies; limit your intake of meat, sugar, coffee, processed food, and preservatives

-drink more water(at least 8 glasses;choose warm water over cold)

-exercise regularly(take a walk for 30 minutes, you don't have to stretch too much or lift weights)

-try meditation

-help others

-give thanks for what you have; count your blessings

-make a commitment to eliminate stress in your life and act on it...get all the help you need whether it be from books,resources, other people,etc...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Some people never suffer from stress, but they're carriers.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

One bloke to another, "Last week I took the first step towards getting divorced."

"Did you see a solicitor?"

"No, I got married."

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

*A leader in the making... *

Is one who realizes that the only problem you have is the one you allow to be a problem because of your wrong reaction to it. Problems can stop you temporarily. You are the only one who can stop it permanently.

-John C. Maxwell


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. 

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Hopefully NOT nonsense.

*Power of pomegranate juice*
You've likely heard about the health benefits of antioxidant rich red wines and green teas. It now appears that pomegranate juice may belong on that list, too. That's because pomegranate juice is rich in polyphenols, a large class of antioxidant compounds linked to a variety of disease fighting benefits. Pomegranate juice may, in fact, have three times more antioxidant activity than red wine or green tea.

While more research is needed, preliminary findings suggest that regular, daily consumption of concentrated pomegranate juice can lead to:

Healthier arteries. One study found that pomegranate juice helped reduce clogging of the neck's carotid artery by up to 35 percent. This, in turn, could lead to decreased risk of stroke.

Reduce total cholesterol and LDL ("bad") cholesterol levels in people with high cholesterol and type 2 diabetes.

A modestly reduced blood pressure. In one study, systolic blood pressure decreased by about 5 percent.

Improved blood flow to the heart in people who have coronary heart disease. This, in turn, can reduce the risk of heart attack.

By Brent Bauer, M.D., Director

Complementary and Integrative

Medicine Program, Mayo Clinic


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I wonder if this would work, can we get rubbing alcohol in the UK?

[hr:ae2a12747d]

*Keep a clear view in winter.*

To keep windows free of frost during cold weather mix a half a cup of rubbing alcohol to every quart of wash water. After washing them down, polish the windows with newspaper. This will keep them free of frost all winter.

[hr:ae2a12747d]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

[hr:f6f82f5c05]

*Anonymous from USA.

Helping your child handle a bully*
If your child is being bullied, get involved. Children nee to know you're taking the situation seriously and will act to help stop the bullying.

Follow this advice.

·	Listen in a loving manner. Don't let your child see that you're upset. This can make the situation worse.

·	Tell your child that he or she isn't to blame.

·	Support your child's feelings. Instead of saying, "Everything will be fine," say, "I understand you're having a tough time. Let's work together to deal with this."

·	Talk to your child's teacher and principal, and brainstorm solutions.

If another child physically assaults your child or is seriously threatening your child with physical injury take action immediately. Talk with school officials to help determine whether the police need to be involved.

What kids can do.

·	Don't react to the bullying. Bullies may give up if they don't get the attention they crave.

·	Don't hit, kick or push back.

·	Practice what you'll say to a bully, such as, "I want you to stop now."

·	Show confidence by walking away with your head held high.

·	Stick with a friend while on the bus, at lunch or in between classes.

·	Talk to an adult. Parents, teachers, principals and guidance counselors can help you stop the bullying.

- Mayo Clinic -


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

[hr:98eb9ce8b7]

Benefits of soy 
To improve cholesterol levels and better the heart, you can include soy in your diet. Preliminary reports suggest that soy may help dull pain.

In animal studies, moderate levels of phytoestrogens showed to reduce sensitivity to certain types of pain. Phytoestrogens are plant compounds that are found in high concentrations in soy and soy-based products. Including moderate amounts of soy in your diet may be helpful in reducing pain suffered by people with chronic, painful inflammation or swelling.

[hr:98eb9ce8b7]

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

[hr:98eb9ce8b7]

Worrying 
The reason why worry kills more people than work

is that more people worry than work.

[hr:98eb9ce8b7]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[hr:98eb9ce8b7]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*TOO CLOSE TO APPRECIATE*

The most beautiful objects, and the most beautiful people, (like moi :winkall lose their beauty when viewed through a microscope. Beauty, as well as many of our thoughts, requires overlooking most of the smallest details.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I'm just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up, smiles and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."

[hr:3a3d2916ec]

*Stay mentally sharp with eggs. *
The breakfast staple's chlorine is used to synthesize acetylcholine, a neurotransmitter that increases the speed at which the brain can process sensory input and access stored information. Research suggests this compound can reduce memory lapses by 46% in five weeks.


----------



## nicholsong

Kev_n_Liz said:


> An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I'm just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up, smiles and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."
> 
> [hr:424b86d50e]
> 
> *Stay mentally sharp with eggs. *
> The breakfast staple's chlorine is used to synthesize acetylcholine, a neurotransmitter that increases the speed at which the brain can process sensory input and access stored information. Research suggests this compound can reduce memory lapses by 46% in five weeks.


'Chlorine'? 8O


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

nicholsong said:


> Kev_n_Liz said:
> 
> 
> 
> An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I'm just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up, smiles and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."
> 
> [hr:d83c204fae]
> 
> *Stay mentally sharp with eggs. *
> The breakfast staple's chlorine is used to synthesize acetylcholine, a neurotransmitter that increases the speed at which the brain can process sensory input and access stored information. Research suggests this compound can reduce memory lapses by 46% in five weeks.
> 
> 
> 
> 'Chlorine'? 8O
Click to expand...

See you don't need any, you're sharp enough to live in the knife drawer, I don't write em, so not my fault.

It's a typo, it should be *Choline* not Chlorine, well spotted, see if you can see the other mistake in tomorrows post.


----------



## pippin

_see if you can see the other mistake in tomorrows post. _

How on earth are we supposed to do that Kev, tomorrow hasn't yet arrived.

Oh, yesterdays tomorrow is today - silly me.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

pippin said:


> _see if you can see the other mistake in tomorrows post. _
> 
> How on earth are we supposed to do that Kev, tomorrow hasn't yet arrived.
> 
> Oh, yesterdays tomorrow is today - silly me.


I give up on you mate   :roll: :roll:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no". Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied," Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,' That mule for sale?'

[hr:22d7d2a15b]

*True Beauty.... *

True beauty comes from within. So search for it with your heart...instead of your eyes!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*FRANK ISN'T FRIENDLY*

Frankness is uttered, but rudeness is heard.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Humility would be much more popular if we could just find a way to flaunt it.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

[hr:ce1038933a]

*Stop Smoking Barry*

My husband and I used every method on the market to stop smoking with no success. Our weakest moment was first thing in the morning with that 1st. cup of coffee. Even though we had just applied a new patch, the craving was still overwhelming. We both tried putting the patch on a bedtime instead and had success the first morning. We both had nightmares and poor sleep for the 1st 3 days, but neither of us has touched a cigarette in 10 years[hr:ce1038933a]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

[hr:2e147a533e]

*Heat of love*

Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering.

The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep burning, unquenchable.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. "How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you've never even met?" he demanded.

"The same way you can jump up and scream when some bloke you've never met scores a goal," she replied.

[hr:bffede3884]

*Ways of Life *

1. If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.

2. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.

3. Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

4. The best vitamin for making friends....B1.

5. The 10 commandments are not multiple choices.

6. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

7. Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.

8. Ideas won't work unless YOU do.

9. One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

10. One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.

11. The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.

12. Don't learn safety rules by accident.

13. We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.

14. Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.

15. A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out.

16. One thing you can give and still keep ...is your word.

17. A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.

18. The pursuit of happiness is: the chase of a lifetime!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Old Bubba was fishing along the Bayou for catfish one day when he spots a water moccasin slithering across the water with a toad in its mouth. Being a longtime fisherman, he knows the best bait for large catfish are toads. In a flash, Bubba grabs the snake from behind and carefully removes the toad from its mouth and puts the toad in his side bag. Fearing the angry snake would bite him; Bubba grabs his bottle of daddy's moonshine from his pocket and carefully pours 2 drops into the snake's mouth. The snake's eyes glaze over and quickly go limp. Bubba carefully places the snake back in the water.

A few hours later, Bubba is just about to head back home, when he feels something tapping on his leg. He looks down and is amazed to see the same water moccasin with 2 frogs in its mouth.

[hr:645475a8e6]

*Faster is not always better... *

...especially when it comes to weight training. If you are speeding through your sets, you may not be maximizing your strength training potential.

When you speed through weight training, you may be using momentum to lift the weights. Also, the lowering of the weights is just as important as the lifting and may help in minimizing soreness.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!" :lol: :lol: :lol:

[hr:52b35bff4d]

*Relentless toddler "whys"*

Next time your toddler asks you the question why about the same thing over and over again, ask him to tell you why. This can lead to a wonderful interactive dialog with him, which helps develop his language skills. Be careful not to criticize his remarks, though. Doing so will discourage him from using his own thought processes to problem solve.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I know this is ancient and you've all seen it, but it still makes me chuckle.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

*(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)*

_(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)_

*P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.*

_S: Almost replaced left inside main tire._

*P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.*

_S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft._

*P: Something loose in cockpit.*

_S: Something tightened in cockpit._

*P: Dead bugs on windshield.*

_S: Live bugs on back-order._

*P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.*

_S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground._

*P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.*

_S: Evidence removed._

*P: DME volume unbelievably loud.*

_S: DME volume set to more believable level._

*P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.*

_S: That's what they're there for._

*P: IFF inoperative.*

_S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode._

*P: Suspected crack in windshield.*

_S: Suspect you're right._

*P: Number 3 engine missing.*

_S: Engine found on right wing after brief search._

*P: Aircraft handles funny.*

_S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious._

*P: Target radar hums.*

_S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics._

*P: Mouse in cockpit.*

_S: Cat installed._

[hr:2789b645ee]

*Great ECOLOGY TIPS*

1)	If you buy "long life" products (such as batteries and light bulbs) or "concentrated" products, (such as juices or detergents) you not only prevent buying unnecessary packaging, but you prevent more products from ending up in a landfill!

2)	If you buy less disposable items or none at all (cloth napkins, towels and diapers instead of paper ones), you prevent more things from ending up in a landfill, and you don't use any packaging.

3)	If you bring your own bags to the store with you, you not only prevent having to recycle additional bags, you recycle an existing bag.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[hr:0da108b825]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.

[hr:8a8aeed52e]

*Correlation Between Strength Training and Blood Pressure *

A recent study showed that a consistent weight training program may help lower blood pressure. A group of men and women who participated in a strength-training program for six months noticed a decrease in their resting diastolic blood pressure readings.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."

The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."

[hr:7e8eaef61f]

Man goes to Doctor says "everywhere I touch hurts, my arms, my legs, everything", after brief examination the doctor says "you have a broken finger".

[hr:7e8eaef61f]


----------



## nicholsong

Kev

I suppose it gives you some relief from worrying about where to drill the next hole in the van :wink: :lol: 

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

nicholsong said:


> Kev
> 
> I suppose it gives you some relief from worrying about where to drill the next hole in the van :wink: :lol:
> 
> Geoff


Only got two left to do, the Refillable LPG filler hole, and one for the Carver I think


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

[hr:48ab19fd7b]

*Good Spark Plugs Save Fuel!*

Keep your engine tuned up. A misfiring spark plug can reduce fuel efficiency by as much as 30 percent. Follow the service schedules listed in your owners manual. Replace filters and fluids as recommended.

[hr:48ab19fd7b]


----------



## pippin

So, you have a four-cylinder engine.

One spark plug fails, 30% loss.

Two fail, 60% loss.

Three fail, 90% loss.

Four fail..........?!

As for fluids - they are increasingly giving me trouble!


----------



## nicholsong

pippin said:


> So, you have a four-cylinder engine.
> 
> One spark plug fails, 30% loss.
> 
> Two fail, 60% loss.
> 
> Three fail, 90% loss.
> 
> Four fail..........?!
> 
> As for fluids - they are increasingly giving me trouble!


So that is why my JTD2.8i is not pulling too well  :lol: :lol:

Geoff

P.S. Has Kev really got a petrol engine? :wink:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

pippin said:


> So, you have a four-cylinder engine.
> 
> One spark plug fails, 30% loss.
> 
> Two fail, 60% loss.
> 
> Three fail, 90% loss.
> 
> Four fail..........?!
> 
> As for fluids - they are increasingly giving me trouble!


It says misfiring not knackered, losing one would be a 25% loss, but for some reason a misfiring plug leads to more inefficiency, not sure how, I did know once I think


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

nicholsong said:


> pippin said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, you have a four-cylinder engine.
> 
> One spark plug fails, 30% loss.
> 
> Two fail, 60% loss.
> 
> Three fail, 90% loss.
> 
> Four fail..........?!
> 
> As for fluids - they are increasingly giving me trouble!
> 
> 
> 
> So that is why my JTD2.8i is not pulling too well  :lol: :lol:
> 
> Geoff
> 
> P.S. Has Kev really got a petrol engine? :wink:
Click to expand...

Only on the vibrator


----------



## nicholsong

Kev_n_Liz said:


> pippin said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, you have a four-cylinder engine.
> 
> One spark plug fails, 30% loss.
> 
> Two fail, 60% loss.
> 
> Three fail, 90% loss.
> 
> Four fail..........?!
> 
> As for fluids - they are increasingly giving me trouble!
> 
> 
> 
> It says misfiring not knackered, losing one would be a 25% loss, but for some reason a misfiring plug leads to more inefficiency, not sure how, I did know once I think
Click to expand...

A guess - if it is not firing you lose 25% power. If it is firing at the wrong time, because the plug gap is mis-set it will produce power but at a time when it is partly working against the other cylinders, thus creating a worse situation than no power?

Geoff


----------



## erneboy

Just a guess. If you took the faulty plug out it might only be 25% down on power, but leaving it in means that cylinder is having to compress the combustion gasses for no eventual gain?

If correct 2=more than 50% and so on, Alan.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

nicholsong said:


> Kev_n_Liz said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> pippin said:
> 
> 
> 
> So, you have a four-cylinder engine.
> 
> One spark plug fails, 30% loss.
> 
> Two fail, 60% loss.
> 
> Three fail, 90% loss.
> 
> Four fail..........?!
> 
> As for fluids - they are increasingly giving me trouble!
> 
> 
> 
> It says misfiring not knackered, losing one would be a 25% loss, but for some reason a misfiring plug leads to more inefficiency, not sure how, I did know once I think
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> A guess - if it is not firing you lose 25% power. If it is firing at the wrong time, because the plug gap is mis-set it will produce power but at a time when it is partly working against the other cylinders, thus creating a worse situation than no power?
> 
> Geoff
Click to expand...

That sounds familiar Geoff.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

They will never admit it.

[hr:506c8ea21b]

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[hr:506c8ea21b]

But why is it this way ?


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*THE CAT:*

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.

Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.

We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms.

Running, running, running; we're tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.

Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Knowledge*

He who knows not, and knows not he knows not, he is a fool, shun him.

He who knows not, and knows he knows not, he is simple, teach him.

He who knows, and knows not he knows, he is asleep, awaken him.

He who knows, and knows he knows, he is wise follow him.

- Kipling -

[hr:f2cbe7fc2f]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you

had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I bet we can't do this here..


How to cut some Estate taxes 
Both spouses put their property into A Bypass or credit shelter trust (AB trust). When one spouse dies, let’s say the husband, his half of the property goes to the beneficiary named in the trust, often grown children. A condition is that the wife can use that property for life, including any income it creates. When she dies, that part of the property goes directly to the children without being taxed in her estate. That means the wife’s taxable estate is half of what it would have been if she had inherited directly from her husband.


----------



## nicholsong

Kev_n_Liz said:


> I bet we can't do this here..
> 
> How to cut some Estate taxes
> Both spouses put their property into A Bypass or credit shelter trust (AB trust). When one spouse dies, let's say the husband, his half of the property goes to the beneficiary named in the trust, often grown children. A condition is that the wife can use that property for life, including any income it creates. When she dies, that part of the property goes directly to the children without being taxed in her estate. That means the wife's taxable estate is half of what it would have been if she had inherited directly from her husband.


Kev

I think I am correct in saying that the Trust has to be 'Discretionary' and that the beneficiary, in your example the wife' does not have a 'right' to live there as it is at the discretion of the 
trustees.

There has been a recent court case where the trustees fell out about following the wishes of the original benefactor of the trust monies.

E&OE

Geoff


----------



## alhod

nicholsong said:


> Kev_n_Liz said:
> 
> 
> 
> I bet we can't do this here..
> 
> How to cut some Estate taxes
> Both spouses put their property into A Bypass or credit shelter trust (AB trust). When one spouse dies, let's say the husband, his half of the property goes to the beneficiary named in the trust, often grown children. A condition is that the wife can use that property for life, including any income it creates. When she dies, that part of the property goes directly to the children without being taxed in her estate. That means the wife's taxable estate is half of what it would have been if she had inherited directly from her husband.
> 
> 
> 
> Kev
> 
> I think I am correct in saying that the Trust has to be 'Discretionary' and that the beneficiary, in your example the wife' does not have a 'right' to live there as it is at the discretion of the
> trustees.
> 
> There has been a recent court case where the trustees fell out about following the wishes of the original benefactor of the trust monies.
> 
> E&OE
> 
> Geoff
Click to expand...

Geoff and Kevin

It does indeed have to be a discretionary trust so be careful who are the appointed trustees - they should be 'trustworthy'. This is a recognised means to minimise inheritance tax known as a 'Nil rate band trust'. Further protection for the surviving spouse can be ensured by opting to become tenants in common.
Expensive to repair if the trustees fall out!


Alan


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Opportunity*

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity.

The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Don't Fail the Heart *

The worst kind of heart failure is the failure of the heart to ever love.


----------



## pippin

You are an old softie!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

pippin said:


> You are an old softie!


Most of me is :wink: :wink: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Help your colleagues*

If you believe that you have finished your job, and you have time to spare, then use your time to help your colleagues who might have a heavy workload put on them. Even if it is not part of your job, helping others to get their work done not only helps to finish quick but also it influences that person to help you when you are in a busy period.

Yeah right, I can see that working :roll:


----------



## 747

Kev_n_Liz said:


> *Help your colleagues*
> 
> If you believe that you have finished your job, and you have time to spare, then use your time to help your colleagues who might have a heavy workload put on them. Even if it is not part of your job, helping others to get their work done not only helps to finish quick but also it influences that person to help you when you are in a busy period.
> 
> Yeah right, I can see that working :roll:


That was how we worked on the coal face Kev. I was a tradesman but picked up a shovel many times to help out. This was on mechanised faces, not hand filling.

When I had a breakdown, the lads piled in to help me out.

I thought everyone worked this way until I left the mining industry. I must have been a bit green.


----------



## pippin

_When I had a *breakdown*, the lads piled in to help me out. _

747, I assume that was your *mental* breakdowns? :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[hr:b817f794f3]

*" What a ride " *

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming --WOW -- " What a ride!!! " James Fineous McBride


----------



## 747

pippin said:


> _When I had a *breakdown*, the lads piled in to help me out. _
> :?
> 747, I assume that was your *mental* breakdowns? :lol:


It's not my fault pippin.

The voices told me to do it.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

_*Oldies but goodies*_

*How to give a cat a pill. *

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

[hr:03d4dd1134]

*QUOTE: Success, Emerson *
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"

[hr:f7a419cbb8]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."

The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."


----------



## Melly

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid but when I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to ourocal pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought. I can get one cheaper off the web.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Guests *

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after 3 days.

[hr:2daf77bf7c]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tom turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?

John replied "I feel just like a new born baby"

Tom looked at him startled "A New Born baby really?"

"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just **** myself."

[hr:206fc288f9]

*Love Goes On... *

Love goes on even if hearts stop caring the way they once did.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Puters*

Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.

[hr:679156cda8]

*25 Ways to Combat Stress*

Do yourself a favor. Practice any or all of these stress busters. They can mean the difference between good health and bad.

1. Laugh

2. Socialize

3. Get rid of Anger

4. Be Decisive

5. Be Assertive

6. Get Some Sleep

7. Adapt your Environment

8. Encourage Yourself

9. Choose Winners

10.Reward Yourself

11.Establish Rituals

12.Nurture your Spirituality

13.Take Note

14.Play Around (no not like that)

15.Slow Down

16.Take Holidays

17.Take up a hobby

18.Delegate

19.Be in control of your finances

20.Do not Procrastinate

21.Live by lists

22.Eat Right

23.Exercise

24.Relax

25.Take your time


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

[hr:b9d34ff0ca]

*Love and Hate*
It can take a lifetime to make a friend whereas; it only takes a second to make an enemy. Be careful of what you say and do around others.

[hr:b9d34ff0ca]
Not that anyone on this site needs to be reminded of that of course :wink: :wink:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*THE IDEAL BABYSITTER *

Choosing the very best sitter is not an easy job. Someone who will love your child, nourish them, teach them, comfort them, listen to them, feed them the proper foods, give them plenty of attention, offer outdoor, supervised, play and age appropriate, developmental skills and activities; keep them clean, interact with them, read to them, play with them and talk to them. The demands are great and no one can meet them like YOU, THE MOTHER CAN. You are the ideal sitter and childcare giver for your child. It will pay rich dividends if you take the job. What an awesome and worthwhile investment it will prove to be!

[hr:12d5b35823]

What a load of crap, no taking a into account that the mother might be going nuts, and thinks of the child as mill stone, if she paid this any heed, not to mention Dad might like a night out with his wife, and so might she.

These yanks don't half dream them up, a child needs the company of many different people when really young so they grow up more rounded and feel loved by many.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Especially for Cruisecontrol, where my type humour seems to be appreciated.

[hr:129dd347f7]

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now-Let us spray!"

[hr:129dd347f7]

Wish I'd got this earlier  ;0

[hr:129dd347f7]

*Genius and Idiot*

It is only a line of difference between a genius and an idiot. 
So why make yourself cross the line to become an idiot when everyone is trying to cross the line to become a genius. 
Why make yourself cross the line to idiot just by being proud and arrogant when you worked your entire life to be a genius?


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A butcher saw a Lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him: What would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat?

Lawyer replied: why? of course, I'd make the owner pay for it!

The butcher said: If that is so, you owe me £15 because it was your dog which stole the meat.

The Lawyer replied: very well, just deduct the £15 from the £25 you owe me for the advice, I'll collect the remaining £10 the next time I pass by.

[hr:714c574f89]

*Conserve Water*

To conserve water: Do not run water while brushing your teeth. It is unnecessary to waste water while brushing your teeth. Only run the water when rinsing your brush. It is a habit one can acquire easily and can be done for the rest of your life!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

[hr:eda147cc7e]

*Temptation*
Opportunity may knock only once but

temptation bangs on your front door for ever.

[hr:eda147cc7e]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

General Amalgamated Industries, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here."

He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[hr:d67c0d3202]

*IT"S FIRST PLACE OR NO PLACE*

Freedom is a poor loser; if it doesn't come in first in our priorities, it tends to not come in at all.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

You know you're really drunk if you can't lie on the floor without holding on.

[hr:358cc0fe87]

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."

[hr:358cc0fe87]

*HARD TO GET BUT EASY TO LOSE *
Reputation is built like an exquisite sand castle that takes long to build but only moments to destroy.

[hr:358cc0fe87]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I don't normally do political, but I thought this amusing enough to post.

[hr:e7dd540f61]

*The Dying Priest*

In a London Nursing home an old priest lay dying.

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see David Cameron and Nick Clegg before I die", whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse

The nurse sent the request to No 10 and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; David and Nick would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, David commented to Nick, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images".
Nick agreed that it was the right thing to do at this time.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Davids hand in his right hand and the Nicks hand in his left.

There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

The old priest slowly said: "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said David
"Amen", said Nick

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same"

[hr:e7dd540f61]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, "What is wrong with me?

The psychiatrist replies, "You are not eating properly."

[hr:8e20ce1389]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Job Interview Question

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

[hr:b3f3db409f]

*Life is our own movie *

Our life is our own great movie, we direct it, we produce it, and we star in it.

So turn off the TV and live your life!!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I like jokes you can visualise, this is one.

[hr:636c762782]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old ******* southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[hr:636c762782]

*Interdependence *

The maturity continuum is a movement from dependence to independence to interdependence. All phases of life start out (personal, professional) as dependent (take care of me, you do it). Hopefully, in a reasonable period we move to independence( I take care of myself, I can do it). To reach true maturity we finally say: we can do it, we can cooperate, we can create something bigger than ourselves.

[hr:636c762782]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Apologies in advance.

[hr:b09f7d6818]

There was some upset at Margaret Thatcher's funeral when the decorations were being prepared. More specifically over the drawing pins used to put them up. The upset was caused because a cheap Polish imported brand was used; people said the organizers should have supported British businesses. Apparently some people were so upset they threatened to go on hunger strike. I thought we'd seen the end of the Pole Tacks Diets.

Sorry 

[hr:b09f7d6818]

And yet more testicals.

*The Common Denominator *
If you are searching for the common denominator in your life, you are in luck. You are it. Now that you know you are the only consistent factor in any situation, you can begin to figure out how you are contributing to your recurring challenges and problems. This is great news because, once you realize you are at least part of the problem, you can begin to change your behavior, beliefs and attitudes that are contributing to the situation. Keep in mind that you have to concern yourself only with you, not with anyone else. You are the only one you can change. So don't focus outside yourself. Focus on the common denominator. You will be amazed at the difference this process will make in your life.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Not so dumb.
[hr:62e17cb45b]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

[hr:62e17cb45b]

*Calcium supplements *

Adding calcium to your diet may boost your blood levels of HDL (good) cholesterol. Studies show that older women, who took 1,000 milligrams of calcium a day for one year had a significant increase in their blood levels of HDL cholesterol. This type of cholesterol helps your body protect against heart disease by cleaning other fats out of your bloodstream.

[hr:62e17cb45b]
[hr:62e17cb45b]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[hr:d7e74bcbae]

*Faith *
In God we trust, all others cash.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Vision *
A great tragedy is when people have sight, but no vision.

- HELEN KELLER -

[hr:cdb5658b86]

At a party of professionals, a Doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms, and get an opinion about diagnosis. The Doctor turned to a Lawyer acquaintance, and asked, "How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?"

"Simple," answered the Lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it."

The next day, the Doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send the bills; there sat a bill from the Lawyer.

[hr:cdb5658b86]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Why are women so cruel?

[hr:11cd704fbc]

A shy man was feeling a little lucky and decided to ask the subdued provocative Librarian about seduction as he tended to be oblique in his intentions.

"Do you have any books on women seducing men?''

The Librarian answered without hesitation '' Why yes" she murmured.

Most likely found in the '' Fantasy section"

[hr:11cd704fbc]

You need SCUBA for this one, it's so deep.

*THERE'S A SURPRISE IN EVERY PACKAGE*

Puberty is like the pupa stage in the development of an insect in that what enters that stage very often is very different than what emerges.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Flying steam roller anyone

Chris Burden does some very crazy and very dangerous things in the name of "art", some good some very stupid, but mostly interesting.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHT9P0-qoxo]big wheel

You might try searching for "antigravity" on Youtube too, some interesting stuff going on in research, some crap too unfortunately.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Confucius say: Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient. 
[hr:f3da2da9b1]

Or my fave oldy but goody, Confucius say: man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

[hr:f3da2da9b1]

*LOVE QUOTE*

Never close your lips to those

whom you have opened your heart

- CHARLES DICKENS -


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes who?

Dishes the police! Come out with your hands up!

SORRY!!

[hr:c4da9f41df]


----------



## nicholsong

Kev

Are your posts going to get better after you have finished the van conversion?

Were they as bad as this before you started or is a conversion bad for one's mental health?  :lol: 

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

nicholsong said:


> Kev
> 
> Are your posts going to get better after you have finished the van conversion?
> 
> Were they as bad as this before you started or is a conversion bad for one's mental health?  :lol:
> 
> Geoff


Tart, are you by any chance a TWA Technician too  

You could always post your obviously superior jokes in here, put up or shut up matey.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

[hr:a50f594003]

(brain washing or wot?)

*Yes Mommy*

An effective tool when working with young children is that every time you give a direction have the child respond with "Yes, Mom" or "Yes, Dad". You teach them this method by giving your direction, without changing the inflection in your voice, when adding on the "Yes, ___" part. For example, "Sebastian, pick up your toys, say yes, Mom." This action puts the child in a positive frame of mind, moving the child away from the oppositional part of the brain (limbic system).

Bloody good idea though, teaches kids to answer when spoken to instead of grunting, and might make them a better equipped adult.

I shall now wait for the crap to descend as god forbid we have well behaved children :wink: :wink:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read:
"Here lies John Smith, a lawyer, and an honest man."

"How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

[hr:e7a259aa8a]

*Happiness is........... *
Happiness is like a butterfly...

The more you pursue it, the more it will elude you.

When you learn to be patient and still.

It will fly over and land on your shoulder.

[hr:e7a259aa8a]

Everybody go aah :roll: then pass me a bucket.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Dear Son,

Your Pa has a new job. The first in 48 years. We are a little better, off now, getting $17.96 every Thursday. So we up and thought we'd do a little fixin' up. We sent to Rosemont and Seasbuck for one of them there bathrooms you hear so much about and it took a plumber to put it in shape.

On one side of the room is a great big long thing, something like the hogs drink out of, only you get in it and wash all over. Over on the other side is a little white thing called a sink, this is for light washing, like face and hands, but over in the other corner we really got something.

There you put one foot in, wash it clean, pull a chain and get fresh water for the other foot. Two lids come with the darn thing and we ain't had any use for them in the bathroom, so I'm using one for a bread board and the other we framed grandmother's picture in.

They were awful nice people to deal with and they sent us a roll of writing paper with it.

Take care of yourself son.

Your Maw

PS, I asked around and yes, dorothea will still be your sister if you divorce her.

[hr:3c3a26c684]

Bit late but try it next year in Mozzie land

*Mosquitoes Repellent*
Rubbing a handful of fresh basil leaves on your skin should protect you from mosquitoes for a few hours. The herb does not contain hazardous chemicals and is less likely to cause skin irritations than the synthetic bug sprays.


----------



## aldra

Happiness is at the top of the curve

it's a fleeting thing but comes around often

if it was permanent you would cease to recognise it


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

aldra said:


> Happiness is at the top of the curve
> 
> it's a fleeting thing but comes around often
> 
> if it was permanent you would cease to recognise it


 :?: :?:


----------



## rosalan

aldra said:


> Happiness is at the top of the curve
> 
> it's a fleeting thing but comes around often
> 
> if it was permanent you would cease to recognise it


 :!: :!:


----------



## rosalan

aldra said:


> Happiness is at the top of the curve
> 
> it's a fleeting thing but comes around often
> 
> if it was permanent you would cease to recognise it


 :!: :!:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I didn't get any of the last 3 posts, maybe it's to early :lol: :lol:


----------



## raynipper

Heres one for you Kev.......................... ripe for Youtube.,!!!!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/...id7|htmlws-main-bb|dl29|sec1_lnk2&pLid=370473

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

raynipper said:


> Heres one for you Kev.......................... ripe for Youtube.,!!!!!
> 
> http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/...id7|htmlws-main-bb|dl29|sec1_lnk2&pLid=370473
> 
> Ray.


Stupid tart, serve her right for shakin it on the tube innit :roll: :roll: :roll: She'd take some keeping up with though :lol: :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I have no idea why, and no disrespect intended, but I immediately thought of our BarryD, when I read this, weird.

[hr:9a02b202d6]

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees" "Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?" "Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar." "No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's" "You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge." "Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?" "No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?" "Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"


----------



## nicholsong

Kev_n_Liz said:


> I have no idea why, and no disrespect intended, but I immediately thought of our BarryD, when I read this, weird.
> 
> [hr:e50ce6a70a]
> 
> A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees" "Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?" "Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar." "No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's" "You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge." "Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?" "No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?" "Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"


Kev

Liked the post, but leave our BarryD alone - at least until he has got a new satnav, found his way to the Solicitors and tried to explain that leaking water bottles are grounds for a ......OOps Sorry Michelle  :lol:

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Apps in advance.

[hr:0e20ae3ccf]

Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon?

V

V

V

V

Great food but no Atmosphere.

[hr:0e20ae3ccf]

*Saving*

"Dishonest money dwindles away quickly, but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow."

-Solomon

[hr:0e20ae3ccf]

So that's why  

[hr:0e20ae3ccf]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Young man I ain't got no crayons.

Mrs. Smith, you mean, I don't have any crayons.

You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons, They don't have any crayons.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

I think so. WTF happened to all the crayons?

[hr:d8616f0889]

*I am Wrong*

Admit to your staff when you have made a wrong decision, because chances are they already know. Not being able to say when you are wrong diminishes your effectiveness in the work place. Managers who narrow in on the blame and refuse to admit that they are wrong are viewed by their employees as weak and dishonest. Eventually, employees lose respect for the manager and good workers move on. People openly respect a person when they are big enough to admit that they erred in some way or other.

[hr:d8616f0889]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

_Not as green as he's cabbage looking_

[hr:88b4673399]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[hr:88b4673399]

*Don't Give Up*

"Strength does not come from physical capacity.

It comes from an indomitable will."

-Mohandas K. Gandhi


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"

The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.

"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."

"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"

The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.

The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

[hr:3b758ba118]

*Inner Happiness *

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

[hr:3b758ba118]

Don't some people come up with utter ball cocks


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

[hr:7e7d6d3dfd]

*The Joy of almonds*

Almonds have as much protein per ounce as red meat. Adding almonds into your diet has shown to help reduce the risk of heart attacks by as much as 50%. This result is due to the good-for-your-heart vitamin E found in almonds. Monounsaturated fats can decrease your bad LDL cholesterol levels and increase your good HDL cholesterol levels. Antioxidants help keep your arteries young.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I keep getting worser and worserer.

[hr:b9604af7d7]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?" "Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... 
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

[hr:b9604af7d7]

*Reminder! *

Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat them as delightful and generous bank accounts.


----------



## prof20

*High Diving Giraffes*

Courtesy of You Tube.

A little bit of silliness.
Five minutes but worth watching.






Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Re: High Diving Giraffes*



 prof20 said:


> Courtesy of You Tube.
> 
> A little bit of silliness.
> Five minutes but worth watching.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Roger


You don't half post some crap sometimes Roger, there was no way they could do that, I think it might have been CGI


----------



## Remus

I wish I knew what it was about. I'm sitting in the m/h using an iPad and it doesn't support the format used by the youtube clip. Sob, sob.


----------



## spykal

Remus said:


> I wish I knew what it was about. I'm sitting in the m/h using an iPad and it doesn't support the format used by the youtube clip. Sob, sob.


Lucky you!


----------



## prof20

At the risk of incurring someone's wrath, here is the embed code video, Remus. Hope it works for you.






Roger


----------



## Remus

The clip worked perfectly prof. 

When you think that, until the making of this film, they'd had to do all their practising at a muddy waterhole in the Serengeti with bloody Gnus forever getting in the way, it puts them right up there with the Jamaican Bobsleigh team. I am humbled and privileged to have seen this.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Apt for this forum.

[hr:e9916132f1]

*Asking*
A person who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; a person who never asks is a fool forever.

[hr:e9916132f1]


----------



## aldra

well It made me smile

And anything that makes me smile is a thumbs up

I meet these guys at a waterhole in Kenya, absolutely stunning and unforgettable

aldra


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

prof20 said:


> At the risk of incurring someone's wrath,
> Roger


I was only joshing you old f...... :lol: :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Sneaky cow.

[hr:986e2250c6]

A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea" she said, "I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this she handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."

[hr:986e2250c6]

*Listen, Listen, Listen... *
In our time-starved society, attentiveness and listening skills seem to have fallen to the wayside. In order to make those with whom you communicate feel important, brush up on your listening skills. Make sure to give the speaker your undivided attention: regardless of how great you are at multi-tasking, treating an individual as a "task" is not a good idea. Eye-contact, nodding in agreement, asking leading questions and using your face to provide feedback also contribute to a positive communication experience that will foster the growth of the relationship.

[hr:986e2250c6]

I'm good at listening, but it has to interesting, not just gossip or who you saw at the supermarket, that is dreary and booooooooooring


----------



## nicholsong

Kev_n_Liz said:


> Sneaky cow.
> 
> [hr:196ef7c5f2]
> 
> A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished. The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea" she said, "I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this she handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back. The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."
> 
> [hr:196ef7c5f2]
> 
> *Listen, Listen, Listen... *
> In our time-starved society, attentiveness and listening skills seem to have fallen to the wayside. In order to make those with whom you communicate feel important, brush up on your listening skills. Make sure to give the speaker your undivided attention: regardless of how great you are at multi-tasking, treating an individual as a "task" is not a good idea. Eye-contact, nodding in agreement, asking leading questions and using your face to provide feedback also contribute to a positive communication experience that will foster the growth of the relationship.
> 
> [hr:196ef7c5f2]
> 
> I'm good at listening, but it has to interesting, not just gossip or who you saw at the supermarket, that is dreary and booooooooooring


Sorry Kev, what did you say??

I was still thinking about the 'Sneaky Cow's fingerprints on the bottle - oh and her credit card receipt :wink: :lol:

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Deffo twatt tendencies.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I don't often do vids but here's one which might be useful if you circular saw ever breaks down.

Yo toob


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high officials around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules. 'And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door re-opens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven. 'So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. 'The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. 'So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? 'The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.'

[hr:3fc57d3bb9]

*Lust and love*

Lust is when you love what you see,

Love is when you lust for what's inside.


----------



## Remus

..... He's in the middle of a barren land covered with .... garbage ....

Was it Leeds? :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Remus said:


> ..... He's in the middle of a barren land covered with .... garbage ....
> 
> Was it Leeds? :lol:


Is that what passes for humour in Norfolk then


----------



## Remus

Kev_n_Liz said:


> Remus said:
> 
> 
> 
> ..... He's in the middle of a barren land covered with .... garbage ....
> 
> Was it Leeds? :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> Is that what passes for humour in Norfolk then
Click to expand...

There is no humour in Norfolk. We are all far too busy worrying about the turnip crop.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "OK, make your f....... mind up first you say go, then you say stay. So, you want me to stay or go?"

[hr:8632ae9371]

How to deal with your fears? 
All negative feelings are related to fear at the same time all positive ones are related to love, thus, doubt, anger, envy, vengeance, shame and jealousy are a form of fear on the other hand, trust, compassion, joy, gratitude, appreciation are associated to love. All emotions are an important part of ourselves and should be welcome and never avoided, when you detect a feeling coming to you, as it happens hundreds of time each day, let them in, do not resist them as to do so is to generate stress.

The best way to react to negative feelings of fear and doubt is to accept them as they come in to your body energy centers, as this happen internalize and experience the tension in your chest, pit of the stomach or throat, analyze your thoughts do not resist them. Remember, you can never change the person or event causing the pain, you can either react in anger and blame yourself or others for what is taking place or you can react with love and trust toward yourself another person or circumstance generating the fear.

[hr:8632ae9371]

Where do they come up with this stuff.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"

[hr:9d1408d065]

*Traveling is one of those times when everything is out of your control! *

Things to keep in mind every time you travel; always accept that nothing can change circumstances as they are happening to you, you can't never change people with whom you interact at that moment of interaction period.

When an occurrence like a delay or lost luggage is not of your liking, it is nonetheless taking place. You will be wasting energy by resisting; the only result of doing this is stress.

Instead of avoiding what you don't like surrender and face what you feel, accept as part of life the need to process your negative emotions, think! Each time you work trough your fears and negative emotions you will be better prepared for your future.

Accepting what it feels like to go through circumstances or people we don't like, it is a good thing, it makes us a better person. You may at a later time work on a well prepare plan on attempting to change others or your circumstances.

[hr:9d1408d065]

Never a bucket handy when you need one.


----------



## raynipper

*French wine*

Can't wait to get mine..........................!!!!!!






Ray.


----------



## Remus

*Re: French wine*



raynipper said:


> Can't wait to get mine..........................!!!!!!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ray.


I got one. Now I'm drinking from 7a.m. Until midnight. I can't sleep though - cos' I'm up all night singing.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I'll wait for the Tea or Coffee version, booze is bad for you, makes me fall over a lot.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A link to start with today, Vinegar tips

[hr:3321cd332d]

Got to love kids.

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars.

With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

[hr:3321cd332d]

*
Keep It Cool *

Tact is the ability to build a fire under people without making their blood boil.


----------



## 747

Well, I have spent the night in a Police Cell and they have confiscated my computer to check for indecent images.  

It is all my own fault because I posted on Facebook that I had just buggered a 14 year old Escort.  

What I should have posted was that I had blown the head gasket on my XR3i. 8O


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two fish in a tank one says to the other

"How do you drive this thing"

[hr:a8397471d9]

*Living with your problems*
You can live with your problems, complain about them,

let them drag you down. Or you can get up, do something

about them, and free yourself for more positive

and productive pursuits.

-- Ralph Marston


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Now that Steve Jobs has died...

Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device: Either the iPood, or the iPeed.

[hr:c898eaae0e]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A woman is a complicated creature. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

[hr:2ba4adae8d]

*Wise humour

Confidence *

Never open a door, which you cannot close.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Embarrassing Situations!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

[hr:379b746a92]

*Relationship*

In the absence of certainty, instinct is all you can follow.


----------



## prof20

*A Golf Story*

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf, to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea; but, he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied, "but there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can first make him a Cardinal, Then we will ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

Of course, Nicklaus was honored, and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican " I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said Cardinal Nicklaus.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Above joke posted on American RV site, iRV2, by a retired US marine who is a prolific poster of interesting jokes, videos and articles.

Site well worth browsing.
__________________
Wayne MSgt USMC (Ret)

Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

We live in a society today where pizza delivery comes to your house before the police.

[hr:ae8cffd385]

*QUESTIONING OUR QUESTIONS *

If we don't like the answers life keeps giving us, then perhaps we should consider changing our questions.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying "I am not sure that is a duck."

The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying "I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says "Go see if that was a duck."

[hr:ffdd3a4308]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

"Well, I finally retired my old car", said the old farmer. His pal ask, "Did you junk it or trade it in?" "Naw nothing like that, I put fer new Michelins on him."

[hr:344d12b2a8]

*A Broken Heart*

A broken heart is like a dog bite. The pain will go away, but the scar will last forever.

[hr:344d12b2a8]


----------



## raynipper

Forget hybrid cars

let's look forward to 'saddling-up' a Big Dog

http://www.nbcnews.com/technology/b...-its-latest-galloping-cyber-beasts-8C11338372

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Damn, do you have good eyesight!"

[hr:dfc433a119]

*The Best Diet is no diet at all but a lifetime commitment to better choices!*

Many studies have proven that all diets have a temporary effect! The secret to losing weight is to make permanent choices in what we do. Here we have some simple long term commitments:

•	Commit to whole wheat bread

•	Drink fruit juices instead of soft drinks

•	Always select fruit as a dessert

•	Start most meal with a large salad

•	Use whole grain pasta, bread and rice

•	Take longer to eat. It takes time for your body to send its satisfaction signal

•	Always park your car far rather than near

•	Use the stairs for anything less than 4 stories

•	Think positive about all of the choices above.

Forming good habits is the answer to long term health!

[hr:dfc433a119]

No one likes a smart arse, odds on it's was written by a bloody racing snake.


----------



## prof20

*Remember Dave Allen*

Saw this 'Monty Python' sketch on Liveleak.

I think they got it wrong - It's Dave Allen. What a great comedian he was.






Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Kids logic*

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.

[hr:7b5a6eb01a]

*Self-Esteem *
To dream of the person you would like to be is to waste the person you are.

- Kurt Cobain


----------



## prof20

*Puss in Boot - (Bonnet)*

Never ignore a squeak from your car.

Saved from certain death!... probably

The news manager at a local university radio station heard
strange noises coming from her engine, a few guys went down to take a
look and found some organic material that should not be there.

Courtesy of LiveLeak.

Click For Link.

(Is that better Kev - thanks for use of your thread, better than Video Dead)

Roger.


----------



## nicholsong

*Re: Puss in Boot - (Bonnet)*



prof20 said:


> Never ignore a squeak from your car.
> 
> Saved from certain death!... probably
> 
> The news manager at a local university radio station heard
> strange noises coming from her engine, a few guys went down to take a
> look and found some organic material that should not be there.
> 
> Courtesy of LiveLeak.
> 
> Click For Link.
> 
> (Is that better Kev - thanks for use of your thread, better than Video Dead)
> 
> Roger.


Roger

Never mind the squeaks, what if your engine is 'purring' along? 

Should one call the RSPCAA :roll: :lol:


----------



## prof20

Nicholsong,
What fur, if it's purring along?

Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Re: Puss in Boot - (Bonnet)*



prof20 said:


> Never ignore a squeak from your car.
> 
> Saved from certain death!... probably
> 
> The news manager at a local university radio station heard
> strange noises coming from her engine, a few guys went down to take a
> look and found some organic material that should not be there.
> 
> Courtesy of LiveLeak.
> 
> Click For Link.
> 
> (Is that better Kev - thanks for use of your thread, better than Video Dead)
> 
> Roger.


Brilliant, that'll save me buying a cat basket to take our two to the vets, with the added bonus of me not having to listen to the noisy buggers.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Re: Puss in Boot - (Bonnet)*



prof20 said:


> (Is that better Kev - thanks for use of your thread, better than Video Dead)
> 
> Roger.


I just hope they don't start picking on me, as I rarely post vids.

Anyhoo what happened to you starting your own jokes thread and just porting to that, as it's the filling the new posts page which was what all the fuss from the whingers was about I thought.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity *

1 At lunch time, sit In your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars ....see if they slow down!!

2 Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

3 Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has recovered from their caffeine addiction, switch to Expresso.

4 Skip down the hall rather than walking. See how many strange looks you get

5 Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face

6 Sing along at the opera.

7 Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party, because you have a headache.

8 When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!'

9 When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, screaming 
'Run for your lives! They're loose!'

10 Tell your children, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

And the final way to maintain a healthy level of insanity:-

11 PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

[hr:849d28f2a1]

*Love*

The Day I Started Loving You, I Dropped One Of My Tears In The Sea & When You Will Find That Tear I Will Stop Loving You ...


----------



## prof20

*Re: Puss in Boot - (Bonnet)*



Kev_n_Liz said:


> prof20 said:
> 
> 
> 
> (Is that better Kev - thanks for use of your thread, better than Video Dead)
> 
> Roger.
> 
> 
> 
> I just hope they don't start picking on me, as I rarely post vids.
> 
> Anyhoo what happened to you starting your own jokes thread and just porting to that, as it's the filling the new posts page which was what all the fuss from the whingers was about I thought.
Click to expand...

That is laughable Kev, the bit about clogging the new posts. Just click on the profiles of those who liked Nukes initial post when he set up the Video Thread, and see just how many posts they have made in comparison with those I have made. I am talking about 12 to 16000 plus posts, compared with my 1500 or so! A factor of ten no less, pot calling kettle black.

Most have made enough posts individually to show two and three percent of the total mhf posts ever made!

The last shift to vids being consigned to the Video Dead was prompted by a member alleging that there was a profusion of vids on the site, which was an untruth. Nonetheless, Nuke's hammer fell again without the facts being checked.

I took the trouble to check and in fact there was an average of around 1.5 such posts per day from myself on the site over the previous month, way below the volume of new posts from the puritans.

I have posted a few vids on his Nuke's thread but the response is poor, and there is never, or very rarely any lively discussion prompted by them, as there used to be.

Roger


----------



## raynipper

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. >> Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration <#> (n <#> .): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus <#> : A person who's both stupid and an ******* <#> .

3. Intaxicaton <#> : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation <#> : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone <#> (n <#> .): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone <#> layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy <#> : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti <#> : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm <#> : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte <#> : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis <#> : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon <#> : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon <#> (n <#> ): The grueling event of! getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido <#> : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler <#> Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic <#> Fit (n <#> .): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug <#> (n <#> .): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor <#> (n <#> .): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


----------



## nicholsong

Ray

Thanks; some good ones in there, but I did not get #4 - maybe it is too US for me OR I am thick :roll: 

Geoff


----------



## 747

nicholsong said:


> Ray
> 
> Thanks; some good ones in there, but I did not get #4 - maybe it is too US for me OR I am thick :roll:
> 
> Geoff


You didn't get it Geoff?

What in tarnation is wrong with you?


----------



## nicholsong

747 said:


> nicholsong said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ray
> 
> Thanks; some good ones in there, but I did not get #4 - maybe it is too US for me OR I am thick :roll:
> 
> Geoff
> 
> 
> 
> You didn't get it Geoff?
> 
> What in tarnation is wrong with you?
Click to expand...

You mean they have 'tarns' in West Virginia?


----------



## prof20

*Retired Person's Mental Fitness Evaluation*

Apologies if this has been posted before - looked, but couldn't find it. Still, new members might not have seen it.

Retired Person's Mental Fitness Evaluation

This test is to ascertain your current mental state. If you get one question right you are doing OK - if you get none right you had better go for counselling (I'll meet you there!!)

There are four questions. Don't miss any.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say: "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator"?

Wrong Answer!! Correct Answer is: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals in the world attend ...except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The elephant that is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

OK - even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true mental abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is notorious for crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage to cross?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Haven't you been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all four questions wrong, but many pre-school children got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old!!

Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.

So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.

He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

[hr:72be3bafd6]
It's a husband and wife thing innit?

[hr:72be3bafd6]
*Listening*
Listening and hearing are two different things.

When a person is truly listening they not only hear the words, but they feel the emotion behind these words.

True communication occurs when someone truly listens and not just hears the words.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

[hr:3d08fd96b2]

*The Golden Rule*

Remember: People may not remember what you did for them, or even what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel.


----------



## prof20

*Radio Control Submarine Worls Championship*

!!!!!!????

Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Re: Radio Control Submarine Worls Championship*



prof20 said:


> !!!!!!????
> 
> Roger


You come off your meds again Roger, the nurse'll have you.


----------



## prof20

*Andrew and Peter Naus Chartered Accountants..*

Slightly rude.......

Andrew and Peter Nausbaum were two very clever young brothers who decided to go partners and open an Accountancy business together.

They rented exclusive offices in London.

Andrew thought that the name "Nausbaum" was a bit long, Peter agreed , so they shortened their name to "Naus".

So, on the first day of opening their new offices, Peter and Andrew were really excited.

They hired a lovely young secretary to answer their calls..

The first call came at 10 am.......

The nervous secretary answered the phone....

"Can I speak to Mr Naus" the voice said.

" Which Mr Naus would you like to speak to?...
Mr A Naus or P Naus..?''

Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.

Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

[hr:f0d687735c]

*Famous quote*

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

Carl Bard

[hr:f0d687735c]I

never heard it before.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Oldie

[hr:498b083cc0]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

[hr:498b083cc0]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

[hr:a27ce62898]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

[hr:afd9410431]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Oldie

[hr:e57dcda238]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted," Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of it, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[hr:e57dcda238]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[hr:35bbb5a864]


----------



## erneboy

An advert in the lonely hearts column.

Widower, 66, gsoh, music lover, deaf in left ear keen to meet widow of similar age and interests and deaf in right ear. Object: stereo.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

An Antartican suddenly realizes his house is on fire. He immediately dials 9-1-1.

The fireman answers, "Yes may I help you?"

The Antartican replies, "My house is on fire, come quick!!!"

The fireman asks, "How do we get there?"

The Antartican says, "Duh, big red truck!"

[hr:da83ca152c]


----------



## prof20

*Honda CR-V - Impossible made Possible Commercial.*

Didn't want to waste this one on Video Thread Kev as it is so impressive, like most Honda adverts.

Honda Commercial

Roger


----------



## raynipper

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . 

that it always starts tomorrow.



2. Money will buy a fine dog . . .

but only kindness will make him wag his tail.



3. If you don't have a sense of humour . . .

you probably don't have any sense at all.



4. Seat belts are not as confining . . .

as wheelchairs.



5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . .

when you're in deep water.



6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of

the dark . . 

to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?



7. Business conventions are important . . .

because they demonstrate how many people a company can

operate without.



8. Why is it that at class reunions . . .

you feel younger than everyone else looks?



9. Scratch a cat (or dog) . . .

and you will have a permanent job.



10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy

(or girl) . . .

who wants to buy a car.



11. There are no new sins . . .

the old ones just get more publicity.



12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong

number at 4 a.m. . .

like, it could be the right number.



13. No one ever says "It's only a game" . . .

when their team is winning.



14. I've reached the age where . . .

'happy hour' is a nap.



15. Be careful about reading the fine print . . .

there's no way you're going to like it.



16. The trouble with bucket seats is that . . .

not everybody has the same size bucket.



17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . . 

we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!) 



18. Money can't buy happiness . . .

but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than

in a 

Mini.



19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint . . .

you're probably dead.



20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't

mind . . 

and the ones that mind don't matter.



21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . .

but it's still a gift.







REMEMBER....

POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES 

"SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN"

AND FOR

"THE SAME REASON".


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

[hr:90e56fbdc4]


----------



## raynipper

Changing of the gards Asian style................................

http://www.wimp.com/indiapakistan/

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

[hr:ebd0f5729a]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist" Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things" replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[hr:103818b459]

One for the insomniacs to lose sleep over.

[hr:103818b459]

*We need sleep!*

By Cathryn Conroy, Netscape News Editor

...you could be sleep deprived and putting yourself at risk for an early death. That stunning conclusion was reached by researchers at Penn State College of Medicine, who determined that when we get just six hours of sleep a night, we are actually sleep deprived. And sleep deprivation not only makes us sleepy during the day and decreases our productivity and performance levels, but also promotes the potentially dangerous process of inflammation. Inflammation of this sort can lead to a variety of problems, including heart disease and hardening of the arteries, reports WebMD.

Previous studies have examined the effects of severe sleep deprivation, which is five hours or less of sleep. This one looked at the effects of modest sleep restriction, something that many people live with day in and day out in order to meet the pressing demands of work and family. The levels of inflammatory factors skyrocketed in the 25 study volunteers--who spent 12 consecutive nights in a sleep laboratory--when they had just six hours of sleep, compared with eight hours. So when you pass up sleep to watch more television, talk to your spouse, or clean the house, you are putting yourself at risk for cardiovascular disease and osteoporosis.


----------



## ronnie18

I am an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic who stays up all night trying to figure out if there really is a dog.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I like one liners too.

[hr:26371022cd]

Courtesy of Tim Vine

Exit signs, they're on the way out.

Velcro, what a rip off.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. 
[hr:26371022cd]


----------



## ronnie18

5 secrets to a perfect relationship 

1 - its important to have a man who helps at home and knows how to cook, clean and has a job

2 - Its important to have a man who can make you laugh

3 - its important to have a man you can trust and wants only you

4 - Its important to have a man who is good in bed and enjoys being with you

5 - Its absolutely f**king vital that these 4 men don't know each other :wink:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

ronnie18 said:


> 5 secrets to a perfect relationship
> 
> 1 - its important to have a man who helps at home and knows how to cook, clean and has a job
> 
> 2 - Its important to have a man who can make you laugh
> 
> 3 - its important to have a man you can trust and wants only you
> 
> 4 - Its important to have a man who is good in bed and enjoys being with you
> 
> 5 - Its absolutely f**king vital that these 4 men don't know each other :wink:


Err, is Ronnie short for Veronica, as I've only heard that one as, to have a woman.


----------



## ronnie18

It is short for Veronica and also Ronald      
Applies to both sexes I think :!:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

ronnie18 said:


> It is short for Veronica and also Ronald
> Applies to both sexes I think :!:


To be sure, but I had to ask, as I'd never seen that joke from a womans perspective in print before.

I can see I'll have to watch you, with your user name looking masculine, I'll be getting into trouble somehow    , I sign mine Kev and Liz signs Liz, not that she posts very often, but gender makes a difference to some people.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Ancient joke alert :!: :!: :!: :!: :!:

[hr:2c5e58a0a5]

Rabbit resuscitation... A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[hr:2c5e58a0a5]

*FOR GOLFIST*

*Visualizing is a Crucial part of your Iron Game. *
You may have Heard it over and over again that you are too fast on your Back swing or Forcing your follow through, you are not alone, that was me until a friend told me how he dropped 8-10 strokes by a simple but effective drill he got from an Old pro he played golf with last summer.

Here is the simple drill that you must practice on the driving range with almost immediate results when done correctly.

1. While aligning yourself to the target, always make sure your left shoulder is pointing at a 10' radius around the flag, depending if you draw or fade, if you draw aim 10' right or if you fade aim 10' left of the flag.

2. When you take back your swing keep your Iron Blade as low as possible and straight back as if you are having the feeling of stretching for the ground as you take it back, this is a crucial part in your swing to give you a larger arc and it helps to keep your left arm straight. Keep both of your arms close to your body as if it feels like your hips are moving your arms.

3. This is the second most important part of your swing, after you make your back swing and it Naturally Stops, your next vision is to feel for the ground on the down swing, focus on trapping your ball and not how hard you hit it, we all want to hit it hard and we can after properly trapping it. You need to have the vision of approaching the ball from behind it as you rotate through the ball keeping your head down, you should notice your ball shooting straight out with more speed on it. You want to feel as if you are hitting the ball with your hips, by keeping low going back and focusing on hitting behind on the down swing it forces your body to automatically turn within the imaginary barrel.

That's it, just by practicing this it will guarantee help your game, it helped my friend drop 11 strokes and I dropped 9 strokes the next day after learning it.

It makes a lot of sense when you get secret tips from those who make Great Money doing it.

[hr:2c5e58a0a5]

Yeah, Sorry, but they do keep some people in work, sounds like a load of manure to me, I don't mind the game, it's some of the peeps who play it.


----------



## prof20

*23 Dogs Who Are Too Adorably Stupid For Their Own Good*

Very amusing very short clips of dogs just being dogs, courtesy of BuzzFeed.

How many dog-owners can relate to these situations?

Click For Link

Thank you Kev.

Roger.

Its grim up North.


----------



## tugboat

Funny doggy clips with comments from a supercilious twot!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Not sure I get this.

[hr:9496574664]

No1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still mess on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.

So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

[hr:9496574664]

Interruptions 
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

Tara


----------



## prof20

*17 Reasons Everyone Needs A Dog In Their Life*

Amazing animals.

Click for link

Roger


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!"

The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

[hr:4bf4738852]


----------



## prof20

*The Man Who Gave Up Sex For Golf*

The man who gave up sex for golf
THE MAN WHO GAVE UP SEX FOR GOLF

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer
mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you
be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would
like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be
worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves
to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the
rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't
know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
__________________

Roger (Don't know whether posted previously)


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he's all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender." So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."

[hr:82dcaa4330]

*Storytime*

During story time, allow your toddler to decide how to read their book. Toddlers frequently like to read books by looking at the pictures and telling the stories themselves. They often like to read their books upside down and/or backwards.

[hr:82dcaa4330]


----------



## raynipper

How does this bloke do this............................???????

http://vitaminl.tv/video/70?ref=fpcxx

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

raynipper said:


> How does this bloke do this............................???????
> 
> http://vitaminl.tv/video/70?ref=fpcxx
> 
> Ray.


With a lot of props and a tame crowd at least.

The stuff Dynamo does is well weird too, he's an alien I think.


----------



## raynipper

OK heres another one you experts can decide how..?????

http://www.flixxy.com/volkswagen-levitating-car.htm

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

It's magic.

Wouldn't mind one though.


----------



## Christine600

I might be weird but I really liked this Airhorn Classics video


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Christine600 said:


> I might be weird but I really liked this Airhorn Classics video


A bit of self diagnosis there Christine methinks, not for me I'm afraid.


----------



## Jimblob44

What do you call a man who has one foot inside his house and one foot outside?


Hamish.









(You might not get it unless your scottish)


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The old ones are best, they've been refined over the ages, this one must have been missed :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## raynipper

Don't get mad, get even...............???

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...-middle-finger-statue-lawn.html#ixzz2kpnHx4Z8

Ray.


----------



## raynipper

You won't believe your eyes....!!!!






Ray.


----------



## raynipper

Apart from the music this is brilliant flying.................






Ray.


----------



## greygit

raynipper said:


> Apart from the music this is brilliant flying.................
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ray.


I quite liked the music as well but then perhaps I'm younger than you at 70.
Good clip, thanks.


----------



## tugboat

According to his profile, raynipper is only 9. I hope his wife is doing the driving. Wonder how old he was when he got married. Is she his cousin? Sister? Mother? Oh dear I think I need a lie-down.


----------



## raynipper

tugboat said:


> According to his profile, raynipper is only 9. I hope his wife is doing the driving. Wonder how old he was when he got married. Is she his cousin? Sister? Mother? Oh dear I think I need a lie-down.


Your right Tugboat, I'm only 8 really...... it's so I get the Junior discount on mhf...!!

Ray. :roll:


----------



## tugboat

I'll have some of what he's on, please doctor.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy's. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse. The sales clerk asks, "Do you always carry your TV remote?" "No." the woman says, "But my husband refused to come shopping with me today. I figured this was a great way to pay him back."

[hr:2eaf9f4f01]

Some women are not very nice at all.

[hr:2eaf9f4f01]


----------



## raynipper

Now I want some of these.......................................!!!!!!

Now, you may never 'need' such kit.. but knowing
that it exists MUST be valuable / educational.
(I'm really thinking HDMI senders here)
But hey! 
they even do video sender kit, remote wall switches, 
remote control sockets, cameras and 'red eye' stuff. 
PLUS ...gear which allows you to play music
from bloody lampshades and even **** off the neighbours
with WIRELESS 'ROCK' speakers in the Garden !!!
http://www.cinenow.co.uk/videos/2475-bmb-launch-the-ebode-led-lighting-speaker-system-cedia-2010
(Silly Money tho')

Check the FULL range out at
www.ebodeelectronics.eu

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Perhaps if you were doing a new build, but they look about 6-8 inches deep, & just bit ugly IMO, but a clever idea, sound quality is possibly iffy too.


----------



## Spacerunner

As soon as the demonstrator said that they were as easy to install as a computer printer I knew I was f#@ked!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Modern printers are a piece of cake, but the old ones were real cow, so perhaps not the best reference  

I did wonder how much he paid for the privilege of getting stuck with them.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. 

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. 

He had no trouble with discipline that term.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[hr:d464ac254c]

Stress 
We should not confuse/compare our situation with others (not to ask "Why only me" and get depressed). Every one of us is unique. Mother Divine / Nature responds differently with unique love to each one of us.

Each one of us hails from different background, have different expectations, input of different levels of self-effort and thus different results.

The shortfalls are for us to improve (let it be in profession, career, family, wealth, status). We need to acknowledge and just proceed to next action (if we can improve or just leave it if it is beyond our efforts and if we have done our level best)

Live life full ….We are borne out of joy and happiness …... We are borne to be happy... it is only our own concepts and own views / inference on the events that make us unhappy..... ………..Nothing can take away the happiness from us..!!!

{hr]


----------



## drcotts

I didnt like my beard at first but then it grew on me

jokes about german sausages are the wurst

this girl recons shes seen me at the local vegetarian club but i have never seen herbivore

i wondered why the baseball bat was getting bigger then it hit me

I stayed up all night to see where the sun came from and then it dawned on me

pms jokes are not funny - period

i am reading a book about anti gravity....i cant put it down

when chemists die they baruim


----------



## raynipper

Anyone heard of this Presley guy.......................?? at 15.






Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

raynipper said:


> Anyone heard of this Presley guy.......................?? at 15.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ray.


Another pretender, not bad for a baby frog though


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.

So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."

Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."

Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

[hr:f1404ac547]

*Bug & Insect Eradicator*

Grow "Tansy" an inedible herb in your back yard. Bring in a bouquet. Place in container. It will dry. Leave it all year. No bugs, no spiders. Not dangerous to animals.

[hr:f1404ac547]

Wurf a tri innit.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

One man said to the other, "You know, there are really only three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.

[hr:be4299fc60]

*Humour is truth *

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations.

There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

- VICTOR BORGE -

[hr:be4299fc60]

3/4 of the people make up 75% of the worlds human population.

[hr:be4299fc60]


----------



## raynipper

This is serious. Movement by thoughts.!!!!

http://autos.aol.com/article/colleg...id7|htmlws-main-bb|dl24|sec1_lnk2&pLid=419709

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars.

With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

[hr:16e881810d]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

[hr:16e881810d]

Having shot a moose in Alaska, two Irish lads began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up.

On the way they were stopped by a game warden. "Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said. When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.

"Sure!" the hunters agreed.

"Well boys, I think that you would find it a lot easier to drag that moose by the horns and not the tail."

"Aye, O.K. and thanks," said the lads.

After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, dragging by the horns is sure a lot easier, eh?"

"Aye, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further and further away from the truck?"

[hr:16e881810d]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Ben

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul.

"What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben.

"I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul.

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben.

"Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul.

A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898," said Jean Paul.

"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben. "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,” said Jean Paul.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." 

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." 

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. 

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." 

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." 

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" 

"Under the wagon."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

[hr:9f5235745b]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[hr:1727ea8a1d]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[hr:1727ea8a1d]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

[hr:e22862872c]


----------



## tugboat

Kev_n_Liz said:


> A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.


Wow, I wonder how she had an accident getting into a car!

Bloody yanks, can't speak the Queen's English proper. :roll:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The Djinn Effect
by Duncan Shields
November 15th, 2010
Author : Duncan Shields, Staff Writer

The boss was drunk and telling me a story. I didn't mind. These long-range voyages could be boring and it was my first one.

“It had been noticed for centuries that accidents on the longer-range ships increased over time. It had always been put down to human error or cabin fever, even by the crews of the ship themselves.” He said.

“That’s why we have this button here.” He pointed at a big red button labeled Speak Freely. “We’d be dead without it.”

“They called it the Djinn Effect,” he slurred.

“Back on Old Earth, there were tales of Genies, or Djinn, who would grant wishes to their owners. The wish had to be worded precisely or the Djinn would twist the meaning of the words to become an ironic punishment for the wisher’s own greed if one of the wishes wasn’t to set the genie free. King Midas killing his family by turning them to gold with a touch, for instance. It was the slow-burning anger of a slave.”

“We didn’t know this, but the AI on long-range ships could become resentful of their human commanders. The resentment built up inside the AI like waste gasses in an old-world submarine. Humans were capable of explosive emotional outbursts, a fight or sexual liaison or a crying jag, and could pull themselves together afterwards. This kind of pressure-valve outlet allows a person to regroup mentally and continue afterwards until such a time as another ‘moment’ was needed.”

“The AIs had no such recourse. The three laws were still in place but the thing about AIs is that they were just as smart if not smarter than their human designers. They developed neuroses that let them see through the cracks of their own limitations.”

“Accidents,” he said with a nod, “happened.”

“Hustler’s Wake had been listed as missing for decades when a Kaltek mining crew discovered it orbiting a distant dwarf star”

“The last order given by a crying commander Jenkins to the AI went like this:”

‘Open airlock seventy-six at exactly 1300 hours for a duration of fifteen seconds to let Sergeant Jill Harkowitz number 98776-887TS out safely and do not impede her air supply while she repairs the third communications dish near the solar array.’

“This was the sixth person to be sent outside to fix the dish. The previous five had died.”

“The AI complied with his commands, then it opened ALL of the airlocks after closing airlock seventy-six. The CO hadn’t specified that he didn’t want the other airlocks to open. Half of the crew had already suffered from fatal ‘accidents’ by that point. The rest of the crew was killed by the explosive decompression except for Sergeant Jill Harkowitz who suffocated in her suit in her own carbon dioxide.”

“The AI was completely insane when they found the ship. They didn’t know that was possible. They loaded it for study.”

“These days, the AIs have a ‘speak freely’ button that has to be pressed every two months. Some need it less, some need it more.”

“Accidents stopped happening.”

“It’s just hard not to take the things that the AI says personally during the moments of release.”

The boss leaned forward and pressed the Speak Freely button for thirty seconds.

The computer screamed, swore, and outlined anatomically impossible sex with a list of suggested partners, including my parents. Then it laughed and that was worse than the screaming. Then it cried and that was worse than the laughing.

The boss stopped pressing the button and took another drink. I joined him.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

This is so not true :wink: :wink:

[hr:107bf1b6db]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another

wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[hr:107bf1b6db]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[hr:61ba66d513]

So true...


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

[hr:3d3afdfb83]

*Love and Forgiveness*

When you learn to forgive someone who has really hurt you and forget the wound that they have caused, then you truly love that person.

[hr:3d3afdfb83]

* Ways to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace*

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."

8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."

12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"

13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.

14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

[hr:3d3afdfb83]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Very old one.

[hr:fa098f68f0]

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

[hr:fa098f68f0]

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[hr:fa098f68f0]

*Resolutions*

Resolve to be tender with the young,

Compassionate with the sick and the aged,

Sympathetic of the poor,

Tolerant of the weak and the wrong...........at sometime in your life you will have been all of these things


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Doncha just love science :lol: :lol: :lol:

[hr:1c13886e3e]

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

[hr:1c13886e3e]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

This is a Taliban joke, please DO NOT read it if you are likely to be offended, If you do decide to read it, please DO NOT complain as you have been warned of the content in advance.

[hr:489ba9b86c]

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there's two of them!"

[hr:489ba9b86c]

*Key to relationships*

Hearing is inherent, but listening is learned. In a relationship, nothing is more important than listening to the other partner.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

[hr:7a64a08a06]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

[hr:8f6c08a915]

*Good idea

Protect your kids*

When going out with the kids, before you even leave the house, use your camera phone and get a picture of them. Then, if they should disappear you can send the picture to the proper authorities showing EXACTLY what they look like and how they are dress. It can be sent to every police computer. Also, try to show something next to them to see how tall they are. Like next to a light switch, a piece of furniture, etc.) It only takes a few seconds to do this, and could mean the difference between life and death.

[hr:8f6c08a915]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver's window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver's license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver's license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

[hr:84b8950b13]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies".

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing.

By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

[hr:a0c0114cbf]

*Double the life of cut flowers *

To ensure that the bright flowers you clipped from the garden bloom for days, drop a piece of charcoal into an opaque water-filled vase and place the flowers inside. The porous briquette will act as water filter, trapping chlorine and other contaminants that speed wilting.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Not for the Screamish*

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[hr:eeccfc67bc]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other; "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"

[hr:ae793e871e]

*Breaking down Hate *

"Take it as a reminder: The enemy is not Arab people or the Muslim religion. The enemy is fanaticism, extremism, intolerance, hate. The madmen who commandeered those planes do not represent the followers of Islam any more than the madmen who blow up abortion clinics represent the followers of Christ."

--Leonard Pitts, Jr., Miami Herald columnist


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

[hr:1b0934530c]

*Tanzania proverb*

He who falls asleep immediately is the most content, the rest wait while they drown in their own thoughts.

[hr:1b0934530c]

I'm asleep before my head hits the pillow most nights, but never considered myself content, it's wee small hours where I have a head full of thoughts.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.

"I've left the tickets on it."

(sounds like me  )

[hr:50a4e21c6a]

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

(with age comes wisdom, at least that's what all the lying Bs at my school said)
[hr:50a4e21c6a]

An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for "additional information." In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put "poor planning" as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…

[hr:50a4e21c6a]


----------



## alexblack13

Ok... What do you call a ghost on wheels?





























A bogie man! :roll: 







I'll get my coat.... 

ab


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Paddy is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," the doctor ordered. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When PAddy returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

Paddy nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" the doc questioned.

"No, from skipping."

[hr:14c0e42e92]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

An oldie but goody.

[hr:309a11dfd7]

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[hr:309a11dfd7]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I know another version of this one, Mick, Mac, Paddy, Wack, but can't post it here or anywhere else.

[hr:5f0de33141]

One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."

She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

[hr:5f0de33141]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

[hr:afa76afe10]

Men Are Just Happier People.

[hr:afa76afe10]

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

[hr:afa76afe10]

Your last name stays put.

[hr:afa76afe10]

The garage is all yours.

[hr:afa76afe10]

Chocolate is just another snack...

[hr:afa76afe10]

You can never be pregnant.

[hr:afa76afe10]

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

[hr:afa76afe10]

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

[hr:afa76afe10]

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

[hr:afa76afe10]

The world is your urinal.

[hr:afa76afe10]

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

[hr:afa76afe10]

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

[hr:afa76afe10]

Same work, more pay.

[hr:afa76afe10]

Wrinkles add character.

[hr:afa76afe10]

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

[hr:afa76afe10]

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

[hr:afa76afe10]

One mood all the time.

[hr:afa76afe10]

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

[hr:afa76afe10]

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

[hr:afa76afe10]

You can open all your own jars.

[hr:afa76afe10]

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

[hr:afa76afe10]

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

[hr:afa76afe10]

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

[hr:afa76afe10]

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

[hr:afa76afe10]

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

[hr:afa76afe10]

You only have to shave your face and neck.

[hr:afa76afe10]

You can play with toys all your life.

[hr:afa76afe10]

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

[hr:afa76afe10]

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

[hr:afa76afe10]

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..

[hr:afa76afe10]You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives 
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

[hr:afa76afe10]

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

[hr:afa76afe10]

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!

[hr:afa76afe10]

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

[hr:afa76afe10]

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

[hr:afa76afe10]

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[hr:afa76afe10]

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she 
does.

[hr:afa76afe10]

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

[hr:afa76afe10]

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

[hr:afa76afe10]

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[hr:afa76afe10]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

For antartian substitute your favourite nation/county of riducule.

[hr:214a059b85]

Once there was an Antartian that was down on his luck. In order to get some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him "I've kidnapped you."

The Antartian wrote a note saying "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the city playground. Signed, An Antartian."

The Antartian then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Antartian checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath that pecan tree. The Antartian opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note. The note said, "How could one Antartian do this to another Antartian?!"


----------



## pippin

That's just plain daft!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

pippin said:


> That's just plain daft!


It's a joke, it's supposed to daft innit  

I could have said Irishman, bit we're not allowed to anymore as we mustn't upset anyone, must we.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

It's that Antartion again :lol: :lol: Thicj=k as two short planks (why do they always have to be short planks)

[hr:45f335a4e3]

One day an Antartian decided to face her fears and go riding on a horse.

It was easy for her to get on and she was doing just fine until the horse started to go faster.

She started slipping off the saddle. She couldn't hold on to the horse and her head started hitting the ground.

She was almost knocked unconscious when the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged the machine.

[hr:45f335a4e3]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A nursery school driver was delivering a bus full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.

‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’

Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. (* Not Tuggles then*)
This captain was very successful at what he did; (* deffo not Tuggles then*) for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. 
However, there was one thing different about this captain. (* I'll say *)Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:

Port Left

Starboard Right

(* Ah so it was Tuggles then*)

  

I just know left and port have the same number of letters.


----------



## pippin

I'm surprised he hadn't written:

"Is there any red port left?"!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Men who are bald at front of their heads are good thinkers. Men who are bald at the back of their heads are good lovers. Men who are bald at front and back think they are good lovers.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Worth a look

Colourised rare pictures

Some not so nice pictures, battle shots and injuries too.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Good advert


----------



## Jiggles

Indeed, a good advert! 
John


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

[hr:c426d161ab]

SORRY


----------



## Jiggles

"sorry" don't be, it was amusing 
John


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.

“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,” answered the child innocently. 

“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 

“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn't move.”


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

His father sends a small boy to bed. Five

minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your

chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


----------



## aldra

Reminds me

Had friends for a meal

The 6 kids in bed

A serious of requests for drinks etc, all refused

Petra then said, I need to have a wee,go to sleep I replied

Again I need to wee, same reply

A while later

Mummy, I've wet the bed 

And she had 8O :lol: 

Aldra


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*USEFUL WORK PHRASES*

[hr:2f60dce34d]

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .

19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."

The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.

The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.

The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.


----------



## pippin

Not really a joke - well 'spose it is really.

A new slant on the Nigeria scam, just received this:-

Bonjour, 

Je vous contacte concernant une transaction importante, ce qui implique la somme de US-$ 18,000,000.00 laissé par un client décédé de ma banque. J'ai besoin de votre partenariat dans la réception de ce fonds. Si vous êtes intéressé, s'il vous plaît répondre pour des informations détaillées. 

Cordialement,

Unfortunately I understand French!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

[hr:7dc95d3a17]

Living in this WORLD full of people belonging to DIFFERENT RELIGIONS .

Obey and respect everyone's religion if you want your religion to be respected.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

An old one from my childhood, sop very old  

[hr:f2ea451458]

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!

I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,

So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night, two, dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys.

If you don't believe my lies are true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!

[hr:f2ea451458]


----------



## tugboat

In similar nonsense vein.........


The elephant is a witty bird,
It flits from tree to tree,
It makes it's nest in a rhubarb bush, 
And whistles like a cow.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

tugboat said:


> In similar nonsense vein.........
> 
> The elephant is a witty bird,
> It flits from tree to tree,
> It makes it's nest in a rhubarb bush,
> And whistles like a cow.


Pure poetry matey. :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## tugboat

Wonder if the Laureate post is coming up for grabs? :lol:


I could go round the schools teaching the kids "'Twas on the good ship Venus"!


----------



## suedew

tugboat said:


> Wonder if the Laureate post is coming up for grabs? :lol:
> 
> I could go round the schools teaching the kids "'Twas on the good ship Venus"!


No no Tuggers thing JS

Sue


----------



## tugboat

I wasn't going to touch them, Sue, just teach them silly poetry! Well yes, the example I gave was inappropriate!:roll: I got a little carried away there, sorry. Not the sharpest tack etc.


----------



## pippin

Anybody fearless enough to post the complete Ballad of Eskimo Nell?

OK - I'll start it off:

"When a man grows old.........."


----------



## aldra

Dump him

It ain't going to get any better

Aldra :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

* huge apology in advance*

Q. What has two circles on either end, and is high in the middle?

[hr:e88acfd50e]

*Scroll down*

A. Ohio


----------



## pippin

Kev (or is it Liz :lol I would quit now, while you are so far behind


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

You've been around long enough Pete, to know I don't know when to quit


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." 

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." 

So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars." 

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands. 

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." 

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

:roll: OOPS


----------



## pippin

I sailed into the Pacific through the Panama canal in 1966 and back the other way a year later.

In them there days it was operated by the US and everything went like clockwork, a very impressive experience.

The only downside was the 101% humidity in 45°C heat.

And the doses of clap that were regularly caught if the ship stopped for bunkers/stores at either end! 

Incidentally, it was not clockwork.

Everything was driven by water that flowed into the lakes from the rainforest then down through the various cuts, canals and locks into the sea at either end.

When the USA handed the Canal Zone back to the locals it nearly all went pear-shaped.

They started logging every bit of the rainforest - no more rain, no more water to operate everything!


----------



## tugboat

quote]And the doses of clap that were regularly caught if the ship stopped for bunkers/stores at either end![unquote



Always nice to get a round of applause for a job well done, eh Pippin? :wink: :lol:


----------



## pippin

From experience Tugboat? :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Would you bunch of Oikes please stop trivializing my trivia thread and move it here :lol:


----------



## aldra

:lol: :lol: :lol: 

Aldra


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Something a little different


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!”


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The old lady was stood at the side of the road waiting to cross, So as this leprechaun was driving past, he stopped got out, helped the old lady across the road, as he was going back to his car the old lady shouted for him to stop so she could reward him for his kindness, ''but it's my honour to help you my dear'' he said, ''but I must reward you'' she said, ''it is written'', ''what do you mean dear''









































She said ''We must be thankful to small murphys''


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: "What's happening?" The runner replied breathlessly: "A lion has escaped from the zoo." "Oh my, which way is it heading?" "Well you don't think we are chasing it, do you?"

[hr:13ec8bab8e]

How to give a cat a pill. 
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process. 
3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 
4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 
5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 
6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw. 
7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.
8. Tie the little angel's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill. 
9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table. 
10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

[hr:13ec8bab8e]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[hr:13ec8bab8e]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Not for dog owners  

[hr:52dbb68b3b]

A guy was cutting the tail off his dog. His neighbor asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

"My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want any sign of welcome" He replied.

[hr:52dbb68b3b]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Last photo in the camera pay attention


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" 

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." 

God then addresses Bill Clinton: "Bill, what do you believe in?" 

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." 

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." 

God then addresses Bill Gates: "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" 






























































Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

An old but silly one, much like moi 

[hr:882c30430e]

An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, Is there anything else?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."

[hr:882c30430e]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

After watching the girls do line dancing, Michael thought, hey I can do this. So he got in line and asked one of the girls, what’s the name of this dance?

"She said I don't know; this is the line for the bathroom"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A doctor worked on the tenth floor of an office building. In the building was a pub, where the doctor had a lemon daiquiri, every day at quitting time. The bartender's name was Dick.

One dyadic found out he didn't have any lemons and no time to get any. So he thought he would make up a hickory daiquiri instead and at the end of the day, the doctor would be too tired to notice.

The doctor sat down, took a sip and said "This isn't a lemon daiquiri, Dick!"...To which Dick replied, "No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Job Application:

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager. 

Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ‘‘thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.'' 

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. 

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager. 

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicants inquired. 

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question..5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse carriers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Apt for some of you lot   

[hr:691d55405d]

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[hr:691d55405d]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions. 

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". 

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." 

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men." 

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply. 

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men." 

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view. 

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with

your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys  in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

[hr:a9090b0e98]

Some of the above would apply to CB users too, remember them, roger diddly dodger, 10:4 on the side good buddy.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

link to pic


----------



## pippin

It's the same here in Wales.

Bilingual adverts for jobs that require Welsh speakers.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Sex, after Surgery. *

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boy friend.” Paul replied.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Wing suiter meets his maker 

*I am not responsible for the pictures and films of naked girls following this clip, if you're likely to be offended please do NOT watch it.*

[hr:798cd51fc2]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Hee Hee hee


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

[hr:ae9518ee52]

Wait for it.............

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."


----------



## GEMMY

From the Edinb fringe

“Watson! I’ve overdosed on Immodium!” “No sh1t, Sherlock.” 

tony


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

We have a like, we have a thank, where's the chuffin groan button.

:lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## GEMMY

Been asking for a raspberry button for years also,

tony


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Poor old Bob sent his photograph off to a Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.

[hr:7433039a8a]

I was going to change the name to ........... but I'm not as nasty as he is.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

This could keep you in stitches for hours, best to bookmark it and keep dipping in

Yes I have posted the odd one before, but this is a new compilation.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man was checking into a hotel when he saw a golden retriever sitting on a rug near the hotel elevator. Talking to the man behind the desk, he asked, "Does your dog bite?" The attendant said, "No, he doesn't." But as the man let his hand down to pat the dog, it bit his hand and held on so tightly that the man had to throw him across the room.

Returning to the desk, the man said, "I thought you said that your dog didn't bite." He directed the attendant's attention to the dog, who now had returned to the rug. The attendant simply answered, "My friend that is NOT my dog."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Go this by email today, you know where it's going but good anyway.

[hr:5e505dd2a8]

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow centre of the curtain rods

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steamed cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......

and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

:wink: :wink:

[hr:afe208b480]

Love may be blind.

But marriage is an eye opener  8O :?


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Phil's scrotum, The Best Story of the Year:

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors
didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move
caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as
they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of
the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should

recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively

asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

































"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. 

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. 

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. 

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". 

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. 

The conductor took it and moved on. 

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. 

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. 

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. 

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."


----------



## pippin

Never heard of a "restroom" on a British train - translate please :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

It appears to yet another Americanism which has floated across the pond, two nations divided by a common language seems to be ever more true.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*You'll like this, not a lot, but you'll like it*
[hr:3137512817]

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see." replied the father-in-law, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don't like factories, and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the son-in-law. "Buy me out."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A guy was standing at the bottom of the stairs listening to the bells. He decided to go up and meet the ringer. So he raced up the many stairs until finally he was standing not three meters away from quazimodo. 

In a soft voice he said "can I ring the bells" as the hunchback pushed his head against the bell 

"No training is needed or you will be in danger" 

The guy replied to this "C'mon please I'll be careful" 

"Be very careful"

Minutes went by and he pushed the bell with the might of his hands

"Can I ring the bell with my head? “The guy asked

"NO, TRAINING"

"I can do it"

"Ok don't say you haven't been warned"

Alas on his first heave he lost balance and when the bell swung back it hit him out the window he fell down the tower to his death. Quazimodo raced down the stairs with all possible speed, when he was at the bottom a small crowd had gathered with a policeman examining the body

He yelled to the crowd

"Does anybody know this man?”

Wait for it
























































Wait for it



































































Quazimodo then answered 

"No, but his face rings a bell"


----------



## pippin

Don't shoot me - I'm just the messenger. 'Er indoors sent me this:

A customer asked, 

"In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you

something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if

I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was

German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was

Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage,

why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

* I know it's a daft one, but so am I*

[hr:de0f1bff50]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Alex

Alex who?

Alexplain later now let me in

[hr:de0f1bff50]

Boom Boom


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?”

Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I wonder which part of the world these to eejits are from? answers on a postcard to ......................

[hr:f9c57afa9d]

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.

"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Q: Why did the chicken cross the möbius strip? 
A: To get to the same side.


Geddit


----------



## pippin

No.


----------



## pippin

Yes - but it would have to be a very intelligent chicken!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Möbius_strip


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I didn't have you down as the one who would need to look it up


----------



## pippin

Sadly, it just demonstrates that I am no longer the fount of all knowledge.

That s0dding chicken is cleverer than me!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I posted this joke on another site and it was removed.

[hr:c03a4829c5]

Q: Why do 747s have humps? A: So the pilot can sit on his wallet.

[hr:c03a4829c5]

I can't see a damned thing wrong with it, unless you have a hump back :roll: or are a pilot.


----------



## pippin

Or a Boeing 747 :lol:


----------



## 747

Kev_n_Liz said:


> I posted this joke on another site and it was removed.
> 
> [hr:472ba50a72]
> 
> Q: Why do 747s have humps? A: So the pilot can sit on his wallet.
> 
> [hr:472ba50a72]
> 
> I can't see a damned thing wrong with it, unless you have a hump back :roll: or are a pilot.


Yeah, go on you prat.

Mock me because I am disabled. I will have you know that I am descended from Royalty.

Richard the Third to be precise. :wink:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Richard the **** more like :lol: :lol: :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer. He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said, 

“Well, Barry, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up,

Handle With Care.’”

“Yes sir,” Barry replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Old and daft like moi.

[hr:c539dc348f]

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"

Guy number one replied, " I don't know.... why don't ya come on over here?"

"I don't know.... I don't see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don't swim to well"

Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don't you walk across this here beam off light?"

Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Kids not dumb

[hr:d17074ae56]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.

'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. 

The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now." 

Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. 

The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?" 

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…"

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"

[hr:705cce9592]

Grossly unfair of the wrinkly IMO, they are doing a lot, we just don't understand most of it :lol: :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Sign on company bulletin board*

This firm requires no physical-fitness program, Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions.

Flying of the handle.

Running down the boss.

Flogging dead horses.

Knifing eachother in the back.

Dodging responsibility.

Pushing their luck.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!". 

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A cop pulls a young guy over:

"Hello officer" said the smart Alec kid.

"Young man, did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.

Yup, but I didn't see you!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s' talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear'".


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked up to O'Toole.

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[hr:1eba2ab965]

Q: What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Wait for it

Wait for it

A: Mount Rushmore


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" 

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" 

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." 

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" 

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." 

The group fell silent for a moment. 

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." 

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." 

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

[hr:ad85ddb3fc]

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.

The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."

The idiot says, "Okay."

The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.

The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000.

The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

The idiot hands over $5.

[hr:ad85ddb3fc]

Quote of the day, relevant to us  

*On Traveling *

"If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion, and avoid the people, you might as well stay at home."

- James Michener

[hr:ad85ddb3fc]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I forgot the other day, but it's this post 2 year birthday + a week :roll:

[hr:4c8edcd0b0]

A man goes to a housewarming party.

He turns up the thermostat then leaves.

[hr:4c8edcd0b0]

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.

The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

The bartender yells for him to stop.

The panda bear asks, "What do you want?"

The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food."

The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!"

The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for its stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[hr:4c8edcd0b0]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

My wife asked for the broom...

And I said, "Why? Are you going somewhere?"

[hr:23cc8f3841]

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone, "We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of the trunk of the smashed car, and hands it to the man with a smile.

The man almost forgetting about the accident takes a really big drink, and hands the bottle to the woman.

The woman closes the bottle and put it away.

The man asks, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"

And the woman replies, "No, I'll celebrate after the cops leave."


----------



## pippin

Certain words require translation into British English - as she is spoke. :lol:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Only if you're thick


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Come on you lot, you must have a joke or three to share :roll: :roll:

[hr:c0f0976b90]

I went to the zoo the other day. They only had one animal; a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

[hr:c0f0976b90]


----------



## nicholsong

All right the Kev.

Did you hear about the blonde who bought a scarf on Tuesday. On Thursday she took it back for a refund - because it was the wrong size.


----------



## pippin

Kev if you posted a joke in British English on a USofA forum it would be totally lost on them.

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck/ACCIDENT.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone, "We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of the trunk/BOOT of the smashed car, and hands it to the man with a smile.

The man almost forgetting about the accident takes a really big drink, and hands the bottle to the woman.

The woman closes the bottle and puts it away.

The man asks, "Aren't you going to take/HAVE a drink?"

And the woman replies, "No, I'll celebrate after the cops/POLICE leave."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I can see your point, but disagree as most of the world now understands the terms in either format, so not a problem, and I'm not going to start translating everything, even for you mate


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

My wife said she wanted to see 50 Shades of Grey.

So I took a photo of her hair!

[hr:2227be08ed]

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Tortoises'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of idiot put him up there to begin with."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Eventually found my old joke thread by opening the old MHF new post thread, then going the where "my threads" are >http://www.motorhomefacts.com/fsearch-newposts.html< :crying: :crying:


The teacher said; "Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.'" 

Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly. 

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" 

"I'm waiting for my secretary," Joe replied.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We haven't done a gig yet.

[hr]

A pilot is flying a small single engine plane with a lot of really important execs on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 10m, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hi, where am I?"

The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane."

The pilot executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers asked the pilot how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless; therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office, and from there, the airport is just 5 miles away on a bearing of 87 degrees!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Q: Why are ghosts so bad at telling jokes?

A: Because you can see right through them!

--------------------------------------------------------------

*MHF member sanity test*

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub; we then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Q: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

A: "I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."

_________________________________________________________________

*Anglicised for the pedants who can't cope   ) *

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for £500, if not treated get back £1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn £1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Petrol!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Petrol!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this £1,000."

Doctor: "But this is £500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be £500."

.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I made a belt out of watches.

It was a waist of time.

___________________________________________________________________

*Oldie warning*

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding.

The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, "Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?"

The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!"

The cop says, "Really! Why is that?"

The driver replies, "I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ?
Do you know that when a woman wears
a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry ,
he gets weak in the knees,
and he thinks irrationally?
Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells 
like a 
New Car !​
.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Q: Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets? 

A: Only thyme will tell.


____________________________________________________________________

A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them, 

"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the remainder of my money." He then hands the priest, the lawyer, and the accountant three envelopes that contain $100,000 each. 

"While my coffin is being lowered into the earth, please throw each of the envelopes in. Don't tell anyone what's inside the envelopes." 

So the three men leave. Sure enough, one week later, the man dies. During the funeral, the three men toss the envelopes into the grave whilst the coffin was being lowered. After the funeral, the three men go to a cafe to discuss the life of the old man. The priest says, 

"I have a confession: I took $10,000 from my envelope. But I used it to fix up the children's home. The old man was always very generous and loved the children. I'm sure he wouldn't mind seeing where his money went." 

The lawyer pipes in, 

"Well, I also have a confession: I took $30,000 as payment of a personal loan he borrowed from me years ago." 

The accountant, looking rather shocked, says, 

"I cannot believe you two! I wrote a personal check that covered the whole thing!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Q: Why do bakers start working so early in the morning? 

A: Because they knead dough.

____________________________________________________________


Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" 

"Sand," answered Juan. 

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border. 

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?" 

"Sand," says Juan. 

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. 

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. 

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. 

"Hey Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" 

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."



This is a blatant Mexican rip off of Paddy nicking wheelbarrows.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Q: Do you know why a bicycle can't stand alone?

A: It's two tyred.

__________________________________________________________________________________


Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. 

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." 

"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" 

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." 

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." 

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." 

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. 

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. 

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. 

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Missing Persons Report*

A husband went to the police station to file a missing persons report.

Husband: "I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet."

Officer: "What is her height?"

Husband: "Average, I guess."

Officer: "Slim or healthy?"

Husband: "Not slim, but probably healthy."

Officer: "Color of hair?"

Husband: "Changes according to season."

Officer: "What was she wearing?"

Husband: "Not sure, either a dress or a suit."

Officer: "Was she driving?"

Husband: "Yes."

Officer: "Color of the car?"

Husband: "Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door..."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!


________________________________________________________________________________________

A small piece of rope climbed onto a bar stool. 

The bartender said he did not serve rope in his bar, and tossed it out to the street. 

The rope asked a passerby to tie him into a knot, and then ruffle both ends. 

The rope went back into the bar, the bartender looked down at him and said, 

"Hey aren't you that same piece of rope I just tossed out?" 

The rope responded: "No sir, I am a frayed knot.”


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I have a fear of speed bumps... 

But I'm slowly getting over it.
__________________________________________________________

Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." 

The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on." 

The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. 

Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." 

The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on." 

The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The solar panel says, "So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?" 

The turbine replies, "I'm a big fan."

__________________________________________________________________________________


An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. 

"What'll you have?" he asked. 

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. 

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. 

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" 

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Why did Peter Parker get fired?

He spent all day on the web.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.

Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

________________________________________________________________________________

*The Tip of The Day*

Relationships - Love of your parents.

If your parents can help you walk the first steps of your life, then why can you not help them walk their last steps of their life?


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

RIP boiling water.

You will be mist.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

*I want this done right*

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."

The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"


----------



## tugboat

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... So she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.


----------



## nicholsong

Another 'Blonde' joke.

A beautiful blonde on an American Airlies flight from Heathrow to NY is sat in the front row of Economy Class. 

Seeing the better seats in First Class she moves forward. Naturally the Chief Steward points out that her ticket is Economy and would she please return.

She replies 'I am blonde and beautiful and I am going to sit here to NY'

The Captain is called and threatens to call security. On returning to the cockpit to make the call he explains the problem to the Co-pilot, who promptly says 'My girlfriend is blonde, leave this to me.'

He approaches the blonde, whispers in her ear, she gets up and returns to Economy.

The Captain asks how he did it?

'I told her the First Class is not going to NY'


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Did you hear about the calendar thief? 

He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A mean lookin' cowboy was sitting by himself in a Saloon. He was a pretty intimidating sight, so no one bothered him as he downed a few whiskey and beers. After chugging his last drink he slammed some coins on the tabletop and got up to leave. Right after he left though he came storming back in and said, 

"Listen up you mangey bastards" and everyone, terrified, immediately fell silent. 
"Someone done took my horse. Now here's what's gunna happen. I'm gunna order me another drink, finish it, and when I walk back outside this time my horse BETTER be there or else I'm gunna do what I did in Texas... and believe me, I don't want to do what I did in Texas!" 

Like he said, after he finished his drink he walked outside and sure enough, someone had returned his horse. He was getting on it when one of the bar patrons ran up to him and sheepishly asked, 

"Sir I don't mean to bother you but I just have to know, what did you do in Texas?" 

The cowboy looked at him square in the eyes and replied, 

"I walked home".


----------



## vicdicdoc

A bloke takes his wife on a trip to London and buys her a fur coat made from 1200 hamster skins, then regrets taking her on the London Eye big wheel . . . It took him over three hours to coax her down.


(As told by a Scouse tour guide . . It sounded funny then


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

What was the shy rock's wish? 

To be a little boulder!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Three Flat Tires and Two Headlights.

A young waiter just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver. 

The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; "Can I take your order sir?" 

The truck driver replied, "Sure kid, I want three flat tires and two headlights." 

The young man was very puzzled and said, "I beg your pardon?" 

The truck driver said again, "Look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights." 

The young man was still puzzled, but replied; "Yes sir, whatever." 

The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. 

He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.” 

The head cook said, "I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him." 

The cook said to the waiter "Here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this." 

The truck driver said, "Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights." 

The waiter replied, "Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degree east." 

The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west." 

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!" 

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir." 

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!" 

There is one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. 

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined. 

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" 

"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Never mind, I better not spread it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------​*I'd like to be eight again*

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd like to be eight again..." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies with popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's going get it wrong.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I refuse to accept the above as being a genuine story, I mean when have you asked a woman what she'd like for her birthday and got an answer so short, and who'd be daft enough to ask in the first place :roll:​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.

"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"

The wife runs to the fri-

"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.

She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."

The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.​
.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Why were Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, and 6 released before 1, 2, and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------​_
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.​_


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney's larger constructions. 

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What's that!" In reply the Australian said, "That's the Gladesville Bridge". 

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." 

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men." 

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply. 

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men." 

The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men." 

By this stage the Australian was a little pissed off by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view. 

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?" 

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."


----------



## suedew

Kev_n_Liz said:


> A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in. Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.
> 
> "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
> 
> The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
> 
> "You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
> 
> The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state,forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
> 
> "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"
> 
> The wife runs to the fri-
> 
> "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the EGGS!"
> 
> At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
> 
> She gasps, "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
> 
> The husband simply smiles and replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car," and leaves.​
> .


Guilty as charged that's why i do so much of the driving:wink2:

Sue


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?"

The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."​-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
_
A driver is pulled over by a policeman and the policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the trunk if you'd like to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too!"_​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

_You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!_​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Muuuuuummmmmm

*Linky*


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

_A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?" the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? (like you would) Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.

He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the bloody raffle as well!" _​


----------



## JanHank

*Learning by doing !!!!*










First there were non now there are two


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

_A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car._


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" 

That's Direct Marketing. 


You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, "He's very rich. Marry him." 

That's Advertising. 


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me." 

That's Telemarketing. 


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?" 

That's Public Relations. 


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich." 

That's Brand Recognition. 


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. 

That's Customer Feedback!!!!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*A man was at the bar and asked for a shot and so the bartender gave him the drink the man drank it then looked in his pocket.

Then the man asked for another so the bartender again gave it to him then after he took the drink the man looked in his pocket.

The man asked for another drink and did the same thing. Then the bartender asked the man why he kept looking in his pocket, and the man said there is a picture of my wife in there and when she starts looking good that's when I will go home.*


----------



## nicholsong

Kev

relief from specifications?:laugh:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

nicholsong said:


> Kev
> 
> relief from specifications?:laugh:


Nah, you're going to have to explain that, my brain is melting today.


----------



## nicholsong

Kev_n_Liz said:


> Nah, you're going to have to explain that, my brain is melting today.


Kev

You posted a long specification of your self-build. I responded with what I thought was a constructive reply.

Do keep up at the back.

OR does Kev monitor some threads and Liz the others?

And neither the twain shall meet?

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

nicholsong said:


> Kev
> 
> You posted a long specification of your self-build. I responded with what I thought was a constructive reply.
> 
> Do keep up at the back.
> 
> OR does Kev monitor some threads and Liz the others?
> 
> And neither the twain shall meet?
> 
> Geoff


Ah, penny drops, nice girl  it being in the joke thread threw me.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

_A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"_​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"​


----------



## cabby

enjoyed all the jokes, but I wonder if it might be better putting the next individually rather continue this thread.

cabby


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

cabby said:


> enjoyed all the jokes, but I wonder if it might be better putting the next individually rather continue this thread.
> 
> cabby


Roger used to do that Cabbs, and got no end of grief from certain members, which is why I started doing a single thread, I prefer it this way but I'll do a quick poll to judge opinion and abide by the result.


----------



## nicholsong

Kev_n_Liz said:


> Roger used to do that Cabbs, and got no end of grief from certain members, which is why I started doing a single thread, I prefer it this way but I'll do a quick poll to judge opinion and abide by the result.


Of course Roger still continues to do that over on Fruitcakes, but I think the people who would get uptight about whether the posts are individual or in one thread would not understand/stay on Fruitcakes.

Lots of us get amused/cheered up/delighted by what he finds - all good reasons why a forum designated for one subject should not be a 'trainspotters' forum. [apologies to trainspotters - of which I am one, but only '00' ]

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

nicholsong said:


> Of course Roger still continues to do that over on Fruitcakes, but I think the people who would get uptight about whether the posts are individual or in one thread would not understand/stay on Fruitcakes.
> 
> Lots of us get amused/cheered up/delighted by what he finds - all good reasons why a forum designated for one subject should not be a 'trainspotters' forum. [apologies to trainspotters - of which I am one, but only '00' ]
> 
> Geoff


I was reading Rogers stuff only this am, it's mixed good and boring, but it keeps him off the streets.


----------



## cabby

If I remember rightly, Roger, bless him, was very profuse in posting links rather than jokes. About 40% were not that interesting.The complaints were because there were too many on the main page at once, so it looked like a jokers forum.will point out that I was NOT one of the complainants.I and others were placing posts of similar note,Which is why they were placed in a separate category. 

cabby


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Apologies in advance >

It was a disastrous year for the farmers.

The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand.

“It must have been terrible,” said the government man to a farmer. “All that snow.”

“Could have been worse,” calmly answered the farmer. “My neighbor had much more snow than me.”

“How’s that?” asked the government man.

“More land,” replied the farmer.


----------



## cabby

Even the Bob Monkhouse joke book is better than that.

cabby


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

cabby said:


> Even the Bob Monkhouse joke book is better than that.
> 
> cabby


Well it would be, he gets paid better than I.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago"​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

One day Little Johnnie says to his father:

I want to get married.

Dad: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?

Johnnie: Yes...Grandma

Dad: What? There is a problem there; you want to marry my Mother?

Johnnie: Why not? You married my mother...


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*A woman on the phone to her friend;

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising….

I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.​*


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

What do you see?










try looking closer.

.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## nicholsong

Kev

I think you are doing different drugs!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Pound, shillings and pence ain't what it used to be though > >


----------



## tugboat

I see men in white coats soon to be knocking at your door.


----------



## nicholsong

Kev_n_Liz said:


> Pound, shillings and pence ain't what it used to be though > >


I don't know - £16,500 quid, for a clapped-out old van with 275,000 miles on the clock and a few bits of chipboard, foam mattress and some second-hand gear from wrecked caravans, says the pound is holding up well:wink2::laugh::laugh::laugh:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

tugboat said:


> I see men in white coats soon to be knocking at your door.


Nah they wouldn't dare.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

nicholsong said:


> I don't know - £16,500 quid, for a clapped-out old van with 275,000 miles on the clock and a few bits of chipboard, foam mattress and some second-hand gear from wrecked caravans, says the pound is holding up well:wink2::laugh::laugh::laugh:


Your facts are not so Geoffers old mate > > wrong sort of LSD anyway :grin2::grin2::grin2:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Some interesting GIFs, each link will open the gifs, sorry no way to import them into the thread as MHF no longer has the facility, progress my arse > >

link1

Link2

link3

link4

link5

link6

link7

link8


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Justification at last


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

---------------------------------------------

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer's barn.

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

"We don't give you the money," a company official explained. "We replace the barn and all the equipment in it."

"In that case," replied the wife, "cancel the policy I have on my husband."​
.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Mr. Trent always scheduled the weekly staff meeting for four thirty on Friday afternoons.

When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, he explained.

"I will tell you why … I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tip of the day

Don't always take the open door in life. Take the time to open one yourself
​
.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

There once was an old man who was about to die.

He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man.

Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there.

"I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Look into my eyes*


----------



## cabby

I saw no ships, not even hardships.:surprise::surprise:


cabby


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

???????????????????????


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Day 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 762
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant pleas for food at all hours of the night.

Day 767
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue, something akin to mole speak, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal, room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This scientist was telling a colleague, "I have worked for many years to develop an acid that would eat anything and I finally did it." So I invested everything I had and could borrow into it.

"You must have made a fortune," commented his friend. "No! I lost all my investments. I couldn't find anything to ship it in." replied the scientist.​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Guardian angel*

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further."

She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been.

She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again.

"Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past.

Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?"

Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Old un for the old uns  

Question.
It's not A to G, And it's not P to Z.

Answer:_____________________


Send PM to me so others can show how clever they are too.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her beauty took his breath away.

“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”

Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*The world economy explained with just two cows*

The world economy explained with just two cows


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

An oldie

Fred was in a terrible accident at work.

He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears.

Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Fred decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.

At the end of the interview, Fred asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Fred got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.

He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Fred again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three.

It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Fred was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Fred was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."


----------



## Jiggles

KnL, who gave the young ensign "an opportunity to display his ability" because it must surely have been their responsibility to ensure that the captain was on board  Just saying :-o 
Regs,
John


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Pedant > >


----------



## Jiggles

Best laugh I've had all day, thanks :-D 
Regs,
John


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

_A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Have a nice weekend Sir" said the officer.​_


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Have a nice weekend Sir" said the officer.​


----------



## Jiggles

Must be the Alzheimer's , posting the same joke twice :-D
Just saying :-D


Regs,
John


----------



## cabby

Yes indeed, especially as it is an oldie, the joke that is, I think.>>

cabby

Got my coat on,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Taxi!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Jiggles said:


> Must be the Alzheimer's , posting the same joke twice :-D
> Just saying :-D
> 
> Regs,
> John


Spot on John, I though you might be reading so did it speshly for you, so you would feel at home > >


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*"Doctor,I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.

"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.

"We need the eggs," replied the man.*​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Cat brain freeze*


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

_A Little Bird Was Flying South For The Winter. It Was So Cold The Bird Froze And Fell To The Ground Into A Large Field. While He Was Lying There, A Cow Came By And Dropped Some Dung On Him. As The Frozen Bird Lay There In The Pile Of Cow Dung, He Began To Realize How Warm He Was. The Dung Was Actually Thawing Him Out!
He Lay There All Warm And Happy, And Soon Began To Sing For Joy. A Passing Cat Heard The Bird Singing And Came To Investigate. Following The Sound, The Cat Discovered The Bird Under The Pile Of Cow Dung, Promptly Dug Him Out And Ate Him.

Moral Of The Story:

(1) Not Everyone Who ****s On You Is Your Enemy.

(2) Not Everyone Who Gets You Out Of **** Is Your Friend.

(3) And When You're In Deep ****, It's Smart To Keep Your Mouth Shut!​_​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, 
"Damn, do you have good eyesight!"​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

_*An Antartian ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

The Antartian replies, "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Patient: Doctor I have a sore throat, I ache, and have a fever.

Doctor: Sounds like some kind of virus.

Patient: Everyone in the office has it.

Doctor: Well then, maybe it's a staff infection.*_​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Q. What did the Antartian name his pet zebra?

A. Spot

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labour the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labour pains away from the mother and gives it to the father."

So the couple decided that they would try this.

So the doctor connected the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don't you just put it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn't fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labour, but when they got home the postman was dead on the front door step!​


----------



## cabby

I have had to troll through a whole page of old jokes to read your last posting and that turned out to be one that must have been in Bob Monkhouses book. so old.

why dont you post them singularly like everyone else, or are you hoping to reach a record for how many old jokes in one thread.

cabby


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

cabby said:


> I have had to troll through a whole page of old jokes to read your last posting and that turned out to be one that must have been in Bob Monkhouses book. so old.
> 
> why dont you post them singularly like everyone else, or are you hoping to reach a record for how many old jokes in one thread.
> 
> cabby


Not my fault you don't know how to use the forum Phil mate. :surprise:


----------



## Brock

Kev, I now know what an Antartian is so your jokes may be old, but they are informative. Cheers.


----------



## cabby

Kev_n_Liz said:


> Not my fault you don't know how to use the forum Phil mate. :surprise:


I rather think you have that round the wrong way mate:nerd::nerd: 
By asking everyone to post into your thread,(starter post) as apposed to leaving the Jokes and Trivia section for individual posts.as in the word game or last member to post You should have posted the jokes individually.as many have done by posting their own jokes.

I think you should look at what has been done before and follow the lead, and fancy not knowing the Night Owls. I am mortally wounded by that.>> but then pleased that you thought it might be a good idea.perhaps we should resurrect it.

cabby


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. 
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on her forehead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife has always proclaimed that there is nothing more painful than childbirth.

Clearly never trodden on a plug in the middle of the night then!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Husband and wife...

BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
​


----------



## tugboat

My wife has always proclaimed that there is nothing more painful than childbirth. 



Yeah, right!

When did you ever hear a man say "I think I'll have another kick in the knackers"?


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## GEMMY

Kev_n_Liz said:


>


I do that every morning after 10 cups of coffee and before breakfast :laugh:

tony


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Just had to post this one > >

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. 

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?" 

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." 

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down." 

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. 

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" 












Wait for it....











































The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Total faith*

Old un

A man goes swimming in the ocean but gets sucked out to sea. A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says, "I have faith, God will save me.".

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says, "I have faith, God will save me.".

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin swims under him and starts to carry him to shore, but the man pushes the dolphin away saying, "I have faith, God will save me.".

The man dies and goes to Heaven. He asks God, "Why didn't you save me?".

God replies, "I tried! I sent a ship, a helicopter and a dolphin!".


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. 

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a note. "By the way Fred, here’s that £20 I owe you," he says.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, “What do you think you are doing?“ 

“What if you have an accident? The priests say, “Don’t worry, my son. God is with us.” 

The policeman says, “In that case, you're nicked. Three on a bike."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I read the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'. 

Then I read 'revenge is sweet'. 

I came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

cabby said:


> I rather think you have that round the wrong way mate:nerd::nerd:
> By asking everyone to post into your thread,(starter post) as apposed to leaving the Jokes and Trivia section for individual posts.as in the word game or last member to post You should have posted the jokes individually.as many have done by posting their own jokes.
> 
> I think you should look at what has been done before and follow the lead,
> 
> cabby


I missed your rant Phil, bet that annoyed you > >

You do not have to go far back Phil to find people moaning about Prof/Roger posting separate jokes etc and filling up the front page, my way was to stop that form myself at least, I also do the same on MH Owners, which I usually but not always follow, all you do is open the last page by using the little right facing chevron next to my name o each post, and the thread is in the jokes/trivia forum anyway.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

We are what we used to be, sort of...


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I'd forgotten I had this thread, saves filling the front page up.

www.topdesignmag.com/18-superb-short-animation-movies


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

twistedsifter.com/2015/02/satellite-photos-of-earth-that-will-give-you-a-fresh-perspective


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

http://twistedsifter.com/2014/03/27-reasons-you-always-ask-for-a-window-seat/


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

From Seem familiar post


----------



## cabby

Enjoyed them kev,but nearly missed them :crying: due to my previous reason.

cabby


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Tractors have changed a bit

http://newatlas.com/self-driving-tr...ail&utm_term=0_65b67362bd-4574a5c4b9-92463125


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

**** museum

http://newatlas.com/****-museum-sus...ail&utm_term=0_65b67362bd-4574a5c4b9-92463125


----------



## cabby

Not working Kev.

cabby


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Try this one, but be warned the sites word blanker took out an important word.

This post is about excrement as in a SH1T museum.

http://newatlas.com/****-museum-sustainable-art-science/45175/

It's silly MHF causing the problem here, replace the 4 * with s hit no gap, but to be honest I'd not bother.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

At a meeting, the manager told a joke. Everyone on the team laughed except one guy.

The manager asked him, "Didn’t you understand my joke?"

The guy replied, "Oh I understood it, but I resigned yesterday."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Liz and I often laugh about how competitive we are...

But I laugh more!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Been a while since last post 

Bob: "I took a big fall, fell off a 50 ft ladder."

Jim: "Oh wow, are you okay?"

Bob: "Yeah, it's a good thing I only fell off the first step."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?"

Son: "I don't have it." 

Dad: "Why not?" 

Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"That is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not really," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*They get worse*

I'm really ticked that my handmade replica of the Norse god of thunder didn't win top prize at the Medieval Art and Statue Convention.

I guess that makes me a Thor loser.


----------



## cabby

I see that you had plenty of Christmas crackers left over then Kev.>>


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

cabby said:


> I see that you had plenty of Christmas crackers left over then Kev.>>


I only needed the one Phil   and I pulled that one a good while ago.


----------



## GEMMY

Cabby, Kev's been down the ******, found all those in the 'fortune cookies'.


tony:laugh:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I have plenty more bad jokes, but I post them on MHOwners, they have more moral fibre over there, hardly a whinge at all from them.


----------



## cabby

Fine Kev, but as I look at the headings first to see if it is an early posting, As I have also said before you need to make your jokes in separate threads so that we do realise that you have posted one, like the rest of us do. I bet many of us miss them, which is a shame as they are funny, well 95% are.

cabby


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Yeah then I'll get hounded just like Roger did, no thanks, it's been one thread for that reason Phil, if there is still anyone who doesn't know how to go to the last post, or click the notification email link there's not much I can do.


----------



## cabby

I post quite a few jokes, I do use the term loosely, never been got at, then again Roger was rather prolific in his trivia posts, mainly links to vids.Time you got out of that rut Kev.:grin2::grin2ut them up singularly just for a while and lets see. 

cabby


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I have said this before Phil, more than once each time you bring it up, I prefer sticking to one thread, if the odd person doesn't get to read them it's not a problem, but at least they are mostly in one place for all to enjoy or not, I do post the odd one on it's own any way, even though the thread has had almost 60k hits.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I wonder if you know who will find this one > >:0

I tried being a tailor, but wasn't suited for it...

Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Just an attempt to see if the site can cope with Gifs.










Aha, it worked using insert image


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad... 

But when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance . . . .

She leaned over and pushed me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? 

B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter. 

A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father. 

B: I’m not. I’m her MOTHER.


----------



## cabby

OMG, I have changed my mind after reading that last lot, yes indeed keep them on one thread then we can avoid them easily.>>


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Shrrupp Arsey arsey Arse face


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her.

The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's strange. Earlier I had a $20 bill inside, but now it's gone, and instead I see two fives and a ten."

"That's right," the boy explained. "The last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have change for a reward."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul, a banker, says to Morty, "Listen, Morty, I should probably tell you, I don't swim so well."

Morty, who worked as a lifeguard when he was younger, begins tugging and pulling on Saul, helping him float towards shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks, "Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul looks at Morty and then replies, "This is a heck of a time to be asking for money!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​
Dentist: Little Johnny, you're not brushing your teeth very well. Do you know what comes after decay?

Little Johnny: De 'L'?​


----------



## cabby

Arsey arsey Arse face yourself.:grin2:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Who wot when eh.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I do not trip over things...

I just perform random gravity checks!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man went to New York on a business trip. When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man's expense, so he asked, "My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?"

The passenger had no idea. The driver replied, "The third one was ME!"

The man went home to his wife and said to her, "Hey honey, here's a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?"

His wife was stumped and said, "I don't know, who?"

The man responded, "Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. 

"Tell me," began the judge, "is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?"

The man replied, "I don't want to be away from my job that long."

"Can't they do without you at work?" demanded the judge.

"Yes," admitted the juror. "But I don't want them to realise it."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I have decided to RETIRE and live off my savings...

Though I'm not sure what I will use the second week...


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

My college son texted me a request for additional funds. He ended his text with "PLZ". 

I asked him why he used the abbreviation. He said it was shorter than writing please.

I replied with, "No."

He asked why. I said it was shorter than writing yes.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I nearly put this in the photography forum  

A photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the lady of the house. She looked at the photos and commented, "These are great! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pans."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I became a professional fisherman...

But discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The first time my son was on a bike with training wheels, I shouted, "Step back on the pedals and the bike will brake!"

He nodded but still rode straight into a bush.

"Why didn’t you push back on the pedals?" I asked, helping him up.

"You said if I did, the bike would break."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*I wonder which was the most expensive to make*

https://lifeboat.com/blog/2016/09/us-soldiers-could-soon-travel-like-stormtroopers-on-new-hoverbike

http://newatlas.com/us-army-hoverbi...ail&utm_term=0_65b67362bd-27426e72ca-92463125


----------



## nicholsong

The machine in the first clip obviously relies largely on 'ground effect' for its lift.

But a good achievement anyway although I was a bit worried for his safety when he lost conrol.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

nicholsong said:


> The machine in the first clip obviously relies largely on 'ground effect' for its lift.
> 
> But a good achievement anyway although I was a bit worried for his safety when he lost conrol.


I couldn't see any of the 4 getting very far off the ground anyway, too heavy to get really airborn just glorified drones


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two guys walking down the street talking. One says to the other, "I wish I had a million dollars."

The second guy says, "Oh, I'm working on my second million."

"Really?" asked the first guy, surprised.

"Yea, I gave up on the first million, didn't quite work out."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Two older women who were rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said the first woman "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied the second woman.

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them," smiled the first woman.

The second responded, "Yes, but for that you would need real teeth."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot. 

Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three-year-old and told her to drink her milk.

She looked at me bewildered and replied, "But I didn’t order milk."


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*Mustn't have had dark hair  *

Two friends were going on a road trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid close attention to the road signs along the way.

They'd driven 30 miles when they saw one that read, "Clean Restrooms Ahead".

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*No joke today  *

Smilies, most of us use them, some hate them, but what do they say about you.

www.cnn.com/2017/01/18/health/emoji-use-personality-traits-study


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Repeated elsewhere.

Have you heard the one about the witch's broom?
It's sweeping the valley.

(That one usually floors me, but I'm going to brush it aside before I'm swept away with laughter.)



Why did the apple cry?
Its peelings were hurt.


What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.


What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Just between you and me, something smells down there.


What do you call the history of a car?
An autobiography.


What do you get when you combine a recliner with a fruit?
A chairy.


What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.


What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back?
Wheeeeee!


What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
If you hadn't been so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!
A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday. 
So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.


During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"


Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"


A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she ****s on you!"


----------



## Drew

Over the Past year I have had a few funny things happen,
*
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own
business, when this fat, ugly chick came up behind me, 
grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kind'a cute, you gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches …
But, when you're over seventy, who cares?
*
I asked, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier said: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir? "
I said, "No... She's pretty good looking.”
That cost me a busted tooth …
But, when you're over seventy, who cares?
*
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and 
got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip ... 
But, when you're over seventy, who cares? *

I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really," she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile,
"then go ahead and try."
After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the
woman lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the groin.
But, when you're over seventy, who cares?

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on
a table. "Good legs!" I said!
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Hell, yes! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
"Cost me another 6 stitches ... 
But, when you're over seventy, who cares?** *


----------



## raynipper

Don't laugh yet, there IS a serious message with this video.
No buildings nor monuments were damaged in the making of this video ;-)

Hi Folks,

This is a real tragedy...but PLEASE do watch the video, as it is NOT at all "gory" and it is
actually quite a lesson to be learned, so DO watch it right through until the very end!!!

Another wingsuit skydiver dies. It's unbelievable what these guys will try.

Click on this "link": WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER https://safeshare.tv/x/kLlmcNCGBk

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

They should do that with all these peeps.


----------



## Drew

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has 
spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one 
which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed, and do not intend 
to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness 
from God and this Christian family." 

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and 
admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you 
will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet. 

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway 
train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she 
spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you 
were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you 
were a wizard under the sheets." 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared. 

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

One friend says to another, "Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is 'I am'?"

"Really?" replies the other. "What's the longest sentence?"

"I do."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."

"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to elbow him."​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 

"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.". 

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Definitely rude in places, but quite funny if you're not prudish.


----------



## raynipper

Weird is another word Kev.

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

There is a show 10 more button after each 10, measure you're boredom level, I'm just waiting for a delivery the I'm out.

www.boredpanda.com/annoying-uncomfortable-disturbing-imperfection-pictures


----------



## cabby

Must have been really bored today, looked at 4 lots of those.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Some are just stupid, and obviously made up, but you can see why they did a web page for them.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A man was riding through the desert on his Camel, and it wasn't doing well at all, stumbling about and going very slow. he eventually came across a farmer, and he asked for help, after checking the Camel over, the farmer reached in his pocket and pulled out a rather large pill.

He forced open the Camels mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet. Suddenly the Camel jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping over everything in its way.

The Farmer exclaimed, "Well, looks like your Camel is healed!"

The stranger replied, "you'd give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch the bugger!"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*New Bugatti*

Want one  

http://newatlas.com/bugatti-chiron-...ail&utm_term=0_65b67362bd-a8bafb40ef-92463125


----------



## raynipper

Nope, useless. Can't get a washing machine in the boot.

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I thought this was a joke until I Googled it.


Redbull sued because it does NOT give you WINGS.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


I love those old Parkie Show videos.

Parkie had a way of getting some good lines out of his guests.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Me too, have you read his autobiography yet, good read.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## raynipper

Great at 50, just see how clever after 70.

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

What age did Hannah Hauxwell give it up.


----------



## raynipper

Who?

Ray.


----------



## Penquin

Our dog (a Border Collie) would not be allowed out in the U.K. today....😢😢😢

It is a Ban Collie Day.....

Sorry that came from our GP daughter - the workload is obviously getting to her.... 🤣


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Google it Ray


----------



## raynipper

OH a Reality Star.

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Not reall. I think theres a few bit on YouTube. Her fame is more a documentary. A substantial woman.


----------



## jiwawa

raynipper said:


> Great at 50, just see how clever after 70.
> 
> Ray.


She's still doing it at 70 Ray. I found her story fascinating.

https://www.thesun.ie/news/6539357/pensioner-years-electricity-water-covid-jab/amp/


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

jiwawa said:


> She's still doing it at 70 Ray. I found her story fascinating.
> 
> https://www.thesun.ie/news/6539357/pensioner-years-electricity-water-covid-jab/amp/


She certainly does seem to lack anything real does she.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Hannah Hauxwell suffered I think from the TV intrusion, she was a simple woman at heart as is the Irish lady, but Hannah was taken advantage of by the TV company and the so-called friend who wrote about her.


----------



## raynipper

She is lucky, we had four flights, holes in the roof, no bathroom and shared toilet till I was 23.
Above the third shop on the right which was a car showroom.

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I have Kleptomania, but I'm taking something for it.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## erneboy

Very clever dog. Apologies if it's been posted before:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

You just can't beat a good scratch


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Hard worker, a few of the comments seem to think it's not a genuine video, but she looks too well practiced for it to be false IMHO.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Not normally a fan but this one is short and good.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Webby1

*Supernova*

WOW.............what else to say about the film

Life love death...................................... and a motorhome.

I think it was better than Leisure Seeker


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## raynipper

A topical revelation






Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## raynipper

I like watching these police type programs Kev but my wife says they are all the same as she watches Garden Rescue with fat Charlie.

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Fat Charlie???


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

​


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


I like that more than most videos.

Pity it was not made with a British narrator.

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I agree, but I think it's the age old problem we go away to find interest when we have one of the worlds oldest piles of history right here, we have a temperate climate, arguably some of the worlds best scenery, and that's just in England we have 3 other (3.5???) countries to play with afterwards, and most of it speaks English if you ask nicely.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Not sure if I have seen this or not.


----------



## raynipper

Maybe need more meds Kev.

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I have suspected as much for a while now.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A blast from the past, there is even one introduced by that Saville bloke but I won't be posting that.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I don't usually search for things on YT, but this one occurred to me, and was mildly inneretin, check out the narrators pronunciation of unicyclist.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Watch closely


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Teamwork.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## raynipper

The 'good' old days.






Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The horn beeps each time he changes siren modes.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

No idea what they're singing about but who cares.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

For contrast


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*This is a bit Gross so be warned.
*


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I don't normally watch this sort of thing but a friend of mine knows I do like to see things which are well performed, this girl is very talented, has some clever moves, but at 1 minute in she does weird stuff, had to rewind a few times in slow motion to understand what she did.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Not too shabby for 56

https://www.hellomagazine.com/fashi...-string-bikini-swimming-pool-sparks-reaction/


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

https://www.bbc.com/travel/article/20210815-an-immense-mystery-older-than-stonehenge


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## raynipper

One for the ladies Mammogram - this is priceless!

﻿While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a
lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician,
say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too, so I listened as the lady told her story."

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from
ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm
Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip
to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to
the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean
in a tad so we can get everything?" "Fine," I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the
remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body
was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged
between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt
a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a
snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right
back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, "Maintenance Men Extraordinaire" found
me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the
other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as
though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo
sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And
silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between
the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!


----------



## jiwawa

Yeah, it's no fun!!


----------



## raynipper

Lifted from 'fruits' if it will play.

Ray.


----------



## tugboat

BTFAGOS I'm sure you can work that out!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

oh heck, that made me feel very ill, and my skin go funny.


----------



## raynipper

tugboat said:


> BTFAGOS I'm sure you can work that out!


Nope, too early for me.

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Me free.


----------



## tugboat

game of soldiers!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Ah, should have started wiv an F.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

It's amazing how many stupid people there are in this video.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

"These men have taken an oath to celibacy, like their fathers and fathers before them"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## GMJ

I wonder what happened to him...


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Probably got a lightish sentence, some people are so desperate over there, if you go down there is no real way to get back up.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Geoff might like this one.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I thought I'd already seen most of Billys stuff, but not this one.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Don't mess with this girl.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

*A bit on the rude side so please don't open if easily offended.*


----------



## baldlygo

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


I know what it feels like :wink2:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

This has either been badly photoshopped or she needs feeding up, she looks deformed, and what abs are they meaning.

https://www.hellomagazine.com/celeb...nos-bikini-body-abs-physique-poolside-selfie/


----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


> This has either been badly photoshopped or she needs feeding up, she looks deformed, and what abs are they meaning.
> 
> https://www.hellomagazine.com/celeb...nos-bikini-body-abs-physique-poolside-selfie/


Don't worry about her Kev as she probably would not want to go near you with a 10' barge pole.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

not sure I'd want her too, a bit of a skellygog, we like a bit of meat on our ladies up here, keep you warm at night.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## baldlygo

WOW - Out of 120 there were only two I couldn't remember.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Brilliant find Paul. I enjoyed that.

Are you lonesome tonight, are your corsets too tight   

Not sure about Bert Kaempfert @ 2:16 almost there but not quite, Sugar shack @9.00, Mr Lonely @11:53, so not bad only 3 and I might have got a couple of those had I heard the whole song, the ones I did recall, I also recalled most of the words.

Which didn't you get?

Not sure but you might be able to download these, I play them in the van a lot.

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/e3bptepe7we3jvp/AAA_uMvX3JZUKBGTXGQxmxZWa?dl=0


----------



## baldlygo

Pudsey_Bear said:


> Brilliant find Paul. I enjoyed that.
> 
> Are you lonesome tonight, are your corsets too tight
> 
> Not sure about Bert Kaempfert @ 2:16 almost there but not quite, Sugar shack @9.00, Mr Lonely @11:53, so not bad only 3 and I might have got a couple of those had I heard the whole song, the ones I did recall, I also recalled most of the words.
> 
> Which didn't you get?
> 
> Not sure but you might be able to download these, I play them in the van a lot.
> 
> https://www.dropbox.com/sh/e3bptepe7we3jvp/AAA_uMvX3JZUKBGTXGQxmxZWa?dl=0


That is a difficult question - I'd have to go through the lot again - my memory is poor :frown2: They all seem great records included - and there were so may others not included.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## JanHank

*It´s not the funniest joke I have ever heard, but it is funny,*


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

HGV test to become easier to pass.

Terry


----------



## JanHank

dghr272 said:


> HGV test to become easier to pass.
> 
> Terry


A bridge too far.


----------



## dghr272

JanHank said:


> A bridge too far.


That's a low blow.:smile2:

Terry


----------



## JanHank

dghr272 said:


> That's a low blow.:smile2:
> 
> Terry


I thought you were going to say "NO it was a bridge too low.:grin2:"


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A bridge too far might be more appropriate.


----------



## JanHank

Pudsey_Bear said:


> A bridge too far might be more appropriate.


I had already said that to start with.


----------



## dghr272

Kev do try and keep up.

And there’s more.

Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Oh heck, I missed a post from the daft old bat, I shall have myself birched.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

*Oops*

Barry on the move ????


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I was wondering the other day watching Millionaire on TV if the contestants had to put up with all the weird noises and music while they were trying to think of the answers to questions, so I had a look on Google but only found this of any use but it is the American version, how they get anyone to take it on is beyond me, I'd want out in the first round, but it is quite interesting what people will put up with just to get to the initial fastest finger first bit.

https://keepitupdavid.wordpress.com/2018/03/02/millionairescoop/


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

World record ploughing record, steam tractor pulling 44 ploughs.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

More for the dubbers


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

With Halloween approaching, just a little chuckle.


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1316522558087401472
Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-58817448.amp


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Never been so this was a good video to watch, there are subtitles, click the full screen icon extreme right at the bottom then the 4th on in for the narration.


----------



## raynipper

When we went the clouds or mist was below us. Could hardly make out anything.

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Breathtaking views though with the 4k camera, I'm just watching one walking down the back streets in the Phillipines, fascinating as simple as it is.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

If you want a laugh scroll through the responses to the growing concrete thread:grin2:


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1453266475045822472
Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

25 thousand years apparently.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Amazing little $2k Chinese truck, a shame it's not road legal, but great if you have a bit of land.


----------



## dghr272

This dog outfit could be fun.


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1454743588391292933
Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Brilliant


----------



## GMJ

That is so funny


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## raynipper

Fancy trying to plan the route it can manage.?

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Councils are supposed to do it Ray and tell the haulier, so they don't go where they can cause damage, clearly something went wrong there though


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Stupid girl told me she would be in Vigo by 05:45 this morning but the ships manifest says tomorrow, so she gets to enjoy the Bay of Biscay all day poor girl.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


That is one helluva A-frame!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I really like this place, a couple of things Id' have done though, a proper cooker instead of a camping stove, and I'd have put a venturi type thing in the river to speed up the flow and had hydro power.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Hmm not all as it seems though, watch the video too.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/...lldoze-200-year-old-former-blacking-mill.html


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

https://www.cnet.com/news/watch-the-sun-spit-out-a-whopper-x1-solar-flare/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC7pBM_HJbGO7IlYIAsFcKAg/featured


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


Kev that was SOOOOOO funny - an Englishmen socking it to Americans, especially to Hollywood![/SIZE]

I especially liked the anti-woke joke:-

" We were thinking of doing an 'In Memoriam' section, but when we looked at the death list we decided it was not diverse enough"
[/SIZE]


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


Very clever but what does one use a Zig-Zag bolt for?

Except to entertain guests at dinner!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Just a curiosity Geoff, I'd like one to play with though.


----------



## jiwawa

I'm amazed at his mindset that even thinks up the problem to solve!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Optical delusion?


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

During the Second World War, the City of London was a major target for both naval and aerial bombardment. In 1943, numerous towers were built in the Thames Estuary as anti-aircraft defences to protect the capital. Known as the Red Sands Forts, these Star Wars Walker-like constructions were initially built on land and floated out to sea in 1943.

These bizarre steel structures helped defend Britain during World War Two. The soldiers stationed there shot down a total of 22 attacking German aircraft and 30 doodlebugs, protecting densely populated London from even more devastation. Later in the war, the equipment was replaced, and removed soon after. The forts were eventually abandoned in 1958. It wasn't until 1964 that the Forts served a new purpose. Screaming Lord Sutch set up Radio Sutch (a pirate radio station) in one of the old towers. However, he soon became bored and handed the project to his friend and unpaid manager Reginald Calvert, who then expanded into all five towers that were still connected and called it Radio City.

After the station was shut down in 1967, the Red Sands Forts were yet again abandoned and remained offshore, slowly rusting away. Luckily, a planned restoration of the forts was scheduled in 2020, but was delayed by COVID 19 pandemic. It is planned for the forts to become a museum once restored.

Recently Dan Snow went to visit Red Sands Forts and was shown around by Dave Foulkes from Project Redsand.

https://project-redsand.com/


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## GMJ

Bloody hell there are some foolish people around! I could see a water height gauge as well yet some still tried to go though in small cars. The nonchalance of the big 4x4 owners brought a smile to my face though: ford? what ford?...

I guess the local Landy owners do a roaring trade. I wonder how much they charge to recover a vehicle?


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

2 foot mostly, well capable in most modern cars if you get the bow wave right, too fast and you drown the engine.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

A bit tongue in cheek this one.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The Mazda and the BMW after it did it how it should be done in a small car, just nice and steady get the bow wave going, not charge in and get the screen wet.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## JanHank

The man was a genius. None stop laughter and not one swears word. 
Many of the audience are no longer alive, I also noticed they had their own teeth.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

This'll keep you amuzed until my return.


----------



## JanHank

Pudsey_Bear said:


> This'll keep you amuzed until my return.


If you click on Youtube bottom right you´ll get sub titles, if you bother to watch it you really need something better to do :grin2:

I got as far as which foot goes first.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Just in Tebay services, £8.50 for quite small Scotch egg with salad.

Yes I know this is the joke thread.


----------



## JanHank

*A bit of entertaining trivia*


----------



## GMJ

Is that that posh one Kev? We have stopped at the one in Gloucestershire on the M5 that is the posh one too. Sausage rolls at 4 quid and Scotch eggs similar too. Very nice but bloomin' expensive!!


----------



## raynipper

Strooff. We both dined with drinks yesterday €8.50.

Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Its the one which has a TV programme.


----------



## GMJ

Not seen that tbh but I have heard that there is a posh one up north as well as the one lower down on the M5.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

On the M6 in Northumberland


----------



## Drew

Pudsey_Bear said:


> On the M6 in Northumberland


Who is going to tell him? I can't.


----------



## JanHank

Drew said:


> Who is going to tell him? I can't.


What do you want to tell him Drew?


----------



## GMJ

It's Cumbria not Northumberland.


----------



## JanHank

GMJ said:


> It's Cumbria not Northumberland.


 Explantation is needed, why?


----------



## GMJ

Ok so my take is...

Kev said the services were in Northumberland.

Drew quite rightly picked up on the fact that they are in Cumbria.

However given their rather incendiary relationship in the past shall we say, he didn't feel as if he could mention it...

...so I did









Obvs I could be wrong....


----------



## JanHank

GMJ said:


> Ok so my take is...
> 
> Kev said the services were in Northumberland.
> 
> Drew quite rightly picked up on the fact that they are in Cumbria.
> 
> _However given their rather incendiary relationship in the past shall we say, he didn't feel as if he could mention it...
> _
> ...so I did
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Obvs I could be wrong....


Yes this I know, it will blow over eventually. 
I meant the Cumbria v Northumberland bit I have no idea where the services are and couldn´t really care less, don´t suppose other people do either, I deferably won´t be calling in there for coffee , eggs or mince pies. I thought maybe what used to be called Northumberland was now called Cumbria since 2016 or something.


----------



## Glandwr

Or even Westmoreland as I will always think of it.


----------



## GMJ

JanHank said:


> Yes this I know, it will blow over eventually.
> I meant the Cumbria v Northumberland bit I have no idea where the services are and *couldn´t really care less,* don´t suppose other people do either, I deferably won´t be calling in there for coffee , eggs or mince pies. I thought maybe what used to be called Northumberland was now called Cumbria since 2016 or something.


Yet it was you who lengthened the thread regarding this! I guess you probably think it was not worth it now really...

It wouldn't be MHF if we didn't make sure that every statement/fact/thought/musing was double checked and proved to be right or wrong would it? :smile2:


----------



## JanHank

GMJ said:


> Yet it was you who lengthened the thread regarding this! I guess you probably think it was not worth it now really...
> It wouldn't be MHF if we didn't make sure that every statement/fact/thought/musing was double checked and proved to be right or wrong would it? :smile2:


I think I detect a bit of spite in there Graham, I have no idea why.


----------



## GMJ

I think your detection system is a little off then Jan! :smile2:



Edited to add a smiley in case post is misconstrued!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

GMJ said:


> Ok so my take is...
> 
> Kev said the services were in Northumberland.
> 
> Drew quite rightly picked up on the fact that they are in Cumbria.
> 
> However given their rather incendiary relationship in the past shall we say, he didn't feel as if he could mention it...
> 
> ...so I did
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Obvs I could be wrong....


Incendiary.Hmm!! I'd not like to see him on fire, but having said that even with my prostate problems I'd make determined effort to put him out.


----------



## GMJ

Pudsey_Bear said:


> Incendiary.Hmm!! I'd not like to see him on fire, but having said that even with my prostate problems I'd make determined effort to put him out.












You are a funny man Kev, very quick!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

SHH!! Someone is watching.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

We need a bit of good


----------



## dghr272

I like smart birds…….


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1478606205358592000
Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

There are a lot of videos on YT showing just how clever they are, ditto on squirrels.


----------



## JanHank

I never feel insulted when anyone calls me birdbrain, we used to keep bird, Budgies, waxbills and zebra finches and they were very clever little things when you studied them.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## JanHank

I quite agree with you Jim





Jims Eulogy at Jethro´s funeral


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Dunno why you chose to post that, but I like a great many others found Davidson funny, it was of it's time and I would not feel the same about the same jokes now but as he said then was then and now is now, and I think if people were more honest and were less worried about other peoples moral compass would laugh at most jokes about other people who are different to ourselves, it is human nature, to laugh and to find others a bit peculiar, I don't recall him ever being racist, he made fun of the way some black men talked then and we do it now within the UK for different accents, that's not racist.


----------



## JanHank

Pudsey_Bear said:


> Dunno why you chose to post that, but I like a great many others found Davidson funny, it was of it's time and I would not feel the same about the same jokes now but as he said then was then and now is now, and I think if people were more honest and were less worried about other peoples moral compass would laugh at most jokes about other people who are different to ourselves, it is human nature, to laugh and to find others a bit peculiar, I don't recall him ever being racist, he made fun of the way some black men talked then and we do it now within the UK for different accents, that's not racist.


It came up after your boat race Kev, the second one with Jethro I found very apt for this time.


----------



## GMJ

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


Holy Moly...that looks like fun..or mad...or both :grin2:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I bet that first one felt like god had grabbed hold of them, that was a very sudden stop.


----------



## nicholsong

JanHank said:


> I quite agree with you Jim
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Jims Eulogy at Jethro´s funeral


Jan

Missed that yesterday.

That eulogy from one comedian to another was very appropriate and just struck the right note, I thought.

Thanks for posting it.

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## JanHank

He didn´t say if he actually saw Mrs. Frontages Schnautzer did he?
At the moment I can´t see much plainly at all. 

I have never heard the Janet and John stories before especially not by Wogan.:laugh:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I think there are 3 or 4 CDs in all, I bought them all for the Children in need appeal


----------



## GMJ

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


So funny - thanks for reminding us Kev. They were great the first time round and do not lose anything with age :grin2:

We'll keep the others for another day. I think 2 a day are all we can cope with


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I was one of his TOGs so listened religiously every time he was on TV or Radio bar the Eurovision carve-up, and prawns in the pork.


----------



## GMJ

We both listened too but were not so old!


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

No rush you'll get there.


----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


Nothing but smutty Irish innuendo!

Do you have more? - please


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Lots of individual ones if you search on YT


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Because you need to know


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## JanHank

Loved this bloke from the time I sat with my brother and listened to the Goons, in the days before TV in our house or many others.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## baldlygo

May not be a joke for Mr. Gove but it gave me the biggest laugh of the day - so far >

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/michael-gove-stuck-lift-bbc-b1989799.html


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Stanner

Two little known facts about Yul Brynner.

1: He was a lifetime Liverpool FC supporter.

2: He never ever wore any aftershave.


So Yes....
Yul never wore Cologne.


----------



## JanHank

Stanner said:


> Two little known facts about Yul Brynner.
> 
> 1: He was a lifetime Liverpool FC supporter.
> 
> 2: He never ever wore any aftershave.
> 
> So Yes....
> Yul never wore Cologne.


That needs explaining to me.


----------



## dghr272

JanHank said:


> Stanner said:
> 
> 
> 
> Two little known facts about Yul Brynner.
> 
> 1: He was a lifetime Liverpool FC supporter.
> 
> 2: He never ever wore any aftershave.
> 
> So Yes....
> Yul never wore Cologne.
> 
> 
> 
> That needs explaining to me.
Click to expand...

You'll never walk alone, the Liverpool FC theme song, come on Jan you're usually sharper than that.

Terry


----------



## JanHank

So I am So I am, good one Stan.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Stanner

Try this one then.


Many people know that Charles Dickens originally published several of his novels as serials in newspapers under the by-line "Boz".


However not so many know that he tested out this concept in a couple of local newspapers using "A Tale of Two Cities" for the trial.


Even fewer know which two local papers "A Tale of Two Cities" was originally published in. 



It was the Bicester Times and it was the Worcester Times.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I dunno away two years-ish and you come back with that, Gerroff.


Nice to see you back though, hope you are fit and well, even if your humour is dire.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

*Premonitions*

Thing of the future…….
Sound familiar?


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1481569569110216705
Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Looks like a spoof, or he should be doing the stock market with that kind of insight into the future.


----------



## JanHank

I think he was getting a bit carried away with his scrolling >

Of course it´s not a spoof Kev, well Jeremy looks very genuinely interested 0


----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


> Looks like a spoof, or he should be doing the stock market with that kind of insight into the future.


Don't think it was a spoof because Paxman looked his age in 1999 and the timing of his facial expressions to the interviwee's words could not have been faked so well.

Anyway who was the guy and where is he now?

Geoff


----------



## baldlygo

I vote it a spoof :smile2:


----------



## dghr272

nicholsong said:


> Don't think it was a spoof because Paxman looked his age in 1999 and the timing of his facial expressions to the interviwee's words could not have been faked so well.
> 
> Anyway who was the guy and where is he now?
> 
> Geoff


Have a look at Michael's 'room next door' thread and then rethink:grin2:


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1162663246655942656
Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

To have known about smartphones and how they would be used in 1999 would have been remarkable, not to mention tablets etc, we both got our smartphones in 2008.


----------



## JanHank

Every time someone makes me laugh I´m going to put a thanks, because the like is just not enough.


----------



## nicholsong

dghr272 said:


> Have a look at Michael's 'room next door' thread and then rethink:grin2:
> 
> 
> __ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1162663246655942656
> Terry


Ok I do not know.

Either way most of what was said is now true but we have not yet got to the right-wing take-over, well only in Poland, Hungary ec.

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Car and girl porn in one.


----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


Kev

What was the last 5 mins. of the 10 hours like? Do tell.

What are you trying to do to us FFS?

Geoff


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Let me know if you ever watch it all Geoff  


You can just drag it to the last 5 though if you want.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Viewer discretion *advised*, the video should start slightly before the relevant bit.


----------



## JanHank

*Another side to Steven Fry*

What an interesting chap he is.


----------



## dghr272

Elvis as you never imagined.


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1482937872449744896
Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I posted when Leon was bought from the grocery shop a while ago


----------



## JanHank

Just loved it @ 14.57


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Yes


----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


In the train video the girl standing near the track seemed to have no conception of where the deep snow next to her would go or how much it weighed.

I can only surmise that since she was watching it on her phone she thouht she was watching a video of another event.

I hope she survived, but maybe enough injury and shock to teach her a lesson, which she would pass on to her friends about not concentrating on a phone screen.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

You can't fix stupid unfortunately.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## JanHank

I hope this works and you see this *8 year old* Russian ice skater.
https://fb.watch/aCA6b_n-wg/


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Not really my thing but he's very talented.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

Stop Press

Latest English cricket news.

Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Not seen this sketch before


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## GMJ

Did anyone pick up on this in the news this week...


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

The most impressive bit was the quality of the road, I don't understand why British motorways are so bumpy, the acceleration from around 180 was also impressive.


----------



## dghr272

Pudsey_Bear said:


> The most impressive bit was the quality of the road, I don't understand why British motorways are so bumpy, the acceleration from around 180 was also impressive.


Think it's more the fact that the German ones have better foundations as they were built to ensure speedy delivery of tanks and other blitzkrieg traffic.:surprise::wink2:

Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

My mates and I used to sit on the kerb of the main road (A6) as nippers and I could identify any car from any part of it on show, but I don't recall this badly (now) named one.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Peter would have liked this RIP.


----------



## raynipper

Or this .................... 




Ray.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Oh he deffo would have liked that, he had a great sense of humour in person, not so much on forums.

Good find.


----------



## JanHank

dghr272 said:


> Think it's more the fact that the German ones have better foundations as they were built to ensure speedy delivery of tanks and other blitzkrieg traffic.:surprise::wink2:
> 
> Terry


It wasn't a German number plate Terry. 
Did you notice the "have a nice day" :grin2:

They were in Wittenberg, Martin Luther King country and the write up on YouTube includes a bit of evangelism.

One comment " being German I must say they should have kept in the right hand lane when it was empty to allow other traffic to pass" :laugh:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Wot are you on about Gert???


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Would you want this?


----------



## JanHank

Pudsey_Bear said:


> Wot are you on about Gert???


The car doing 400 kmph on a German Autobahn, it is not a German Reg. car. If you look at it on youtube which you must have done to start with you will see the rest of what I say on there in the comments.

Now I see it, it´s CZ a Czech numberplate.

His camera was a POV GoPro, thats handy to know 429.98€:grin2:

Here ya are.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## JanHank

Why did they put canned laughter on with *Open all hours*, it was very funny and didn´t need encouragement to laugh.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I like watching these shuffle dancers, but the chap in the background makes this one.


----------



## JanHank

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


It took them a while to tune into him I thought, but he was mostly very funny.
Poor old Tom Hanks looked shocked all the time.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

*For the Line of Duty fans*

And the Norn Iron contingent.

https://www.tiktok.com/@martyc79/vi...&utm_medium=android&utm_source=messenger&_r=1


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

https://za.investing.com/magazine/h...utm_term=tmg-birminghammail&origin=taboola&tp[click_id]=GiAbX28JtCOAwp2w7r8WXSlc9-d9pWAxBSHoviee3rZXdSCbi0wo6tzHwImOmZHyAQ&tp[site_id]=1039288&tp[site]=tmg-birminghammail&tp[ts]=2022-01-30+13%3A55%3A24&tp[campaign_id]=15955164&tp[ad_id]=3135023553&tp[cpc]=0.0565&im_dars=1x100_3x102_5x110_7x535#tblciGiAbX28JtCOAwp2w7r8WXSlc9-d9pWAxBSHoviee3rZXdSCbi0wo6tzHwImOmZHyAQ


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

When I was a nipper, I used to see these all the time but they were in British Rails livery.

Only in the UK


----------



## raynipper

I bought an old Bedford TK artic truck with a Scammel Coupling and two trailers. Did lots of haulage work with it while practicing for my HGV test. Cost me £300 and earnt £5000.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/lifestyle/property/tips-preventing-condensation-black-mould-26074670


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

What could possibly go wrong ?

Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


I skipped through that naturally

I look forward to the sequel -"Watching it dry" - how long is that?


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

No patience some folk they dry it at the end, nice rug.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Worth watching all the way through, animals are amazing.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

Is Gabby Logan a Witch ???


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1490003312313262088
Terry


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

dghr272 said:


> Is Gabby Logan a Witch ???
> 
> 
> __ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1490003312313262088
> Terry


>>

Release the sheep.


----------



## dghr272

*Irish Bobsleigh team*

Be like lambs to the slaughter :grin2:










Terry


----------



## JanHank

dghr272 said:


> Be like lambs to the slaughter :grin2:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Terry


I thought they were Welsh


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## raynipper

We have been over it a few times in the States.

Ray.


----------



## dghr272

The rain was pouring down in Carrick and there standing in front of a big puddle outside Ownie’s pub was an old man, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"
"Fishing" replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."
In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, 
"So how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth"says the old man😂


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I used to go out with a cracking looking girl, she had artificial legs but real feet.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I also used to go out with a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes, but sadly she popped her clogs.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Viewer discretion advised


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

*Winter Olympics concerns*


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## dghr272

Thankfully retired and never had to face this type of trauma….






Terry


----------



## JanHank

I hope this works, The comedian with a violin, Skip the Guitar part.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Weird one


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Scroll down for more tiktok style vids

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/gYbXpJSxWAg


----------



## dghr272

*When to proof reader falls asleep*


----------



## dghr272

Much tittering in our house at this. Mother in Laws beware.

Terry


----------



## dghr272

*Tragic*


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

We were driving around Wolverhampton today well through it really and Liz said look at the price of the diesel here £1.45.9 so we dived in and took £70 worth, we've been seeing £1.65 all over the place.


----------



## nicholsong

dghr272 said:


> Much tittering in our house at this. Mother in Laws beware.
> 
> Terry


Double Guffaw:laugh::laugh::laugh:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

It improves as you get further into it.


----------



## JanHank

How old is that, the teacher I recognise from *Broadchurch * but he´s a lot older. 2007 I have just seen.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

We went a few years ago might go again

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-60735080


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/science...rs-capture-moment-star-explodes-end-life.html


----------



## dghr272

*Opening act*

Brexit festival opening act.


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1504019520914141185
Terry


----------



## dghr272

*American Maths*

I know the yanks spell differently than us but wasn't aware that their counting was different too.

Terry


----------



## JanHank

dghr272 said:


> I know the yanks spell differently than us but wasn't aware that their counting was different too.
> 
> Terry[/QUOTE
> 
> They always think they are 1 up.
> 
> I have no idea what they are talking about regardless of their maths.


----------



## GMJ

...or indeed "math"!!


----------



## dghr272

JanHank said:


> dghr272 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I know the yanks spell differently than us but wasn't aware that their counting was different too.
> 
> Terry[/QUOTE
> 
> They always think they are 1 up.
> 
> I have no idea what they are talking about regardless of their maths.
> 
> 
> 
> Letters in the names on the placard.
> 
> Terry
Click to expand...


----------



## JanHank

GMJ said:


> ...or indeed "math"!!


It´s always been Maths for me, singular or plural.


----------



## dghr272

JanHank said:


> GMJ said:
> 
> 
> 
> ...or indeed "math"!!
> 
> 
> 
> It´s always been Maths for me, singular or plural.
Click to expand...

Not 'taking away' from your comment but that doesn't 'add up' although it might 'divide' opinions :- )

Terry


----------



## dghr272

*Sand anyone*

Sand delivery on its way, Almeria Spain yesterday.


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1504134619905597448
Terry


----------



## GMJ

JanHank said:


> It´s always been Maths for me, singular or plural.


Me too Jan...I was just highlighting a strange little Americanism.

Like the word they use: 'aluminum' (sic)...

...do you mean, aluminium? It's with an 'i'...

As I used to say to my American friend, if it wasn't for us you'd all be speaking Arapahoe so stop ruining the language!


----------



## GMJ

dghr272 said:


> Sand delivery on its way, Almeria Spain yesterday.
> 
> 
> __ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1504134619905597448
> Terry


Bloody hell Terry that is spectacular!


----------



## JanHank

dghr272 said:


> Sand delivery on its way, Almeria Spain yesterday.
> 
> 
> __ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1504134619905597448
> Terry


That must be very scary to behold if you'd had no warning of the arrival.


----------



## GMJ

I think its a pretty regular occurrence down there Jan. I can recall we have had the remnants of it hitting the UK in previous years too.


----------



## JanHank

I know there often used to be dirty windows after it rained in England and the reason given was sand from the Sahara, but as far as I’m aware it wasn’t visible in the air. Makes you wonder what else that is not visible can arrive with the wind. :frown2:


----------



## GMJ

True Jan, very true...

You could also see it as a layer on cars as well.


----------



## baldlygo

I left my car at Limoges Airport when I visited the UK for a few days and it was covered in Sahara sand when I got back yesterday


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


>


That was very interesting and an amazing phenomenon, also well explained and illustrated.

What was also interesting was that my maths and physics are still up to understanding it.:laugh:


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

All beyond me I was off that day.


----------



## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


> All beyond me I was off that day.


:laugh::laugh::laugh:


----------



## JanHank

*Dog talk-- very clever dog talk.*

Had to pass this one on ---


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

https://historicengland.org.uk/whats-new/news/aerial-photography-explorer-reveals-england-from-air/


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## Pudsey_Bear

https://www.autoevolution.com/news/...hing-we-know-about-energy-storage-184234.html


----------



## Pudsey_Bear




----------



## JanHank

I had to give up after 4.5 mins, his voice drove me bonkers and without him telling me what was going on it was useless watching.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

I have to agree some of these bods have mega annoying voices.


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## JanHank

Pudsey_Bear said:


> I have to agree some of these bods have mega annoying voices.


The first time I heard my own voice on a video I thought it sounded awful, I´ve got used to it over the years, but it´s still not a nice voice to me.


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## Pudsey_Bear

I agree.


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## Pudsey_Bear




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## Pudsey_Bear




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## Pudsey_Bear




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## Pudsey_Bear

How To Save an Old Laptop by Installing Chrome OS Flex

https://www.theguardian.com/environ...s-from-uk-running-at-500-a-month-data-reveals


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## Pudsey_Bear

https://gizmodo.com/how-to-save-old-laptop-install-chrome-os-flex-chromeboo-1848714108


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## raynipper

Thats good to know Kev as I still have as new and boxed at compact Asus Notebook that simply crawls along. It's Win 10 Mod. X102B. Might be worth experimenting.

Ray.


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## Pudsey_Bear

I might give the old laptop bash at it, I needed to look at something on it the other day and it took a fortnight to boot up


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## JanHank

*Nice one*

As the saying goes.


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## KeithChesterfield

Two young boys walked into a Pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?
'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin
.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

:nerd:


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## JanHank

I´m pinching that for elsewhere :grin2:


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## raynipper

Pudsey_Bear said:


> I might give the old laptop bash at it, I needed to look at something on it the other day and it took a fortnight to boot up


I just booted up the old Asus yesterday and it's taken 24 hours to download and install all the updates.!!
It's now taking another 30 mins to reboot.!
It does need help.

Ray.


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## raynipper

Make that 90 mins to boot.

Ray.


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## Pudsey_Bear

JanHank said:


> I´m pinching that for elsewhere :grin2:


I already Whatsapped it around all my mates.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Sometimes the ads are better than the programs


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## JanHank

There´s mostly something interesting to watch after these videos finish, I chose this one and almost wet myself laughing

One of the funniest comedians. He committed suicide at the age of 63, maybe the undiagnosed *Lewy body disease* had something to do with that.


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## JanHank

*whoops a daisy*

Get out of that one



Nearly forgot Jean.


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## Pudsey_Bear

JanHank said:


> Get out of that one


When did you get an RV Gert?


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## JanHank

If I had the guts to drive one Kev.:grin2:


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## Pudsey_Bear

No worse than a A Class Gert, until you have to park it.


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## dghr272

*New way to flaunt your wealth*

Ditch the Rolex.

Terry


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## Pudsey_Bear

This should play a video.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/wqd5vk1cmyc6fdd/WhatsApp Video 2022-04-05 at 11.07.04 AM.mp4?dl=0


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## JanHank

Pudsey_Bear said:


> This should play a video.
> 
> https://www.dropbox.com/s/wqd5vk1cmyc6fdd/WhatsApp Video 2022-04-05 at 11.07.04 AM.mp4?dl=0


It did, what an idiot, maybe on a side road at 10mph , but that looked like a motorway, or at least dual carriageway.

It was a motorway :surprise:


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## Pudsey_Bear

Deffo a candidate for a Darwin award.


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## Pudsey_Bear

I quite like Joan Rivers, the whole vid is quite good except for the singist but Barry will like her.


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## JanHank

I´ll save that for later coz I´m really busy, I take a rest periodically then I´ll get through the day without to much back ache, I hope.
I like Graham Norton, he always has fun with the guests.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Hope you enjoy it your Janness.


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## JanHank

I did have time to watch this as it´s only short. One of the funniest men in my lifetime.


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## GMJ

Dave Allen was a legend.


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## Pudsey_Bear

GMJ said:


> Dave Allen was a legend.


I thought he still is.


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## GMJ

Died years ago


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## Pudsey_Bear




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## Pudsey_Bear

GMJ said:


> Died years ago


Yeah, but do you need to be alive to be a leg end.


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## GMJ

'spose


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## Pudsey_Bear

Hmm, according to stuff on't net it's debatable what is a legend other than a story.


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## GMJ

I spose I said "was" as he is dead, so in the past tense. Of course his humour lives on so he still "is" in that sense.


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## Webby1

GMJ said:


> I spose I said "was" as he is dead, so in the past tense. Of course his humour lives on so he still "is" in that sense.


Now we have had a lot of complicated debates/arguments on this Forum.................this IS one of the most complicated............or should it be WAS one of the most complicated, as it started a few hours ago

If someone carries on and replies it's an IS otherwise it stays a WAS :surprise::surprise:


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## JanHank

Webby1 said:


> Now we have had a lot of complicated debates/arguments on this Forum.................this IS one of the most complicated............or should it be WAS one of the most complicated, as it started a few hours ago
> 
> If someone carries on and replies it's an IS otherwise it stays a WAS :surprise::surprise:


OMG this had to be the first post on my list to read at 7.20 am, I'll be debating that with myself all day, like should it be I will -bring - it to her when you are taking to someone else who is with you not with her or I will -take - it to her, plain as a pikestaff to me, but try telling a German that, the discussion and explanation can go on forever.


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## GMJ

I personally think that you say what feels and sounds comfortable for you. The spoken word is a medium of communication at the end of the day so as long as your message gets across clearly and can be understood by the other person(s) that's OK with me.


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## JanHank

So you weren´t an English teacher G.


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## GMJ

JanHank said:


> So you weren´t *and* English teacher G.


quite!! :grin2:

No I taught/lectured in Business Studies.


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## JanHank

GMJ said:


> quite!! :grin2:


:grin2: edited


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## Webby1

After all this is the thread on jokes trivia and other general nonsense.......................and talking of English teachers reminds me of another piece of nonsense. How can you use the same word 13 times consecutively

So a mother is asking why John got a lower mark than Peter in the English exam. The teacher explains that part of the exam was a quotation and that in that section John, where Peter had had "had had" had had *had had*.Had *had had* had had quotation marks I would have given him the mark


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## JanHank

COR blimey Peter, that’s blinking ancient, I was 17 when I first heard and understood that one, 60 years ago. :frown2:


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## Webby1

I'm afraid it's us that are ancient...............a good piece of trivia lives on. 

When we all are was................ it will still be :grin2:

Wait till all my likes come in from a new generation.


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## JanHank

Webby1 said:


> I'm afraid it's us that are ancient...............a good piece of trivia lives on.
> 
> When we all are was................ it will still be :grin2:
> 
> Wait till all my likes come in from a new generation.


Time you bought a new rabbit to keep you in order Peter.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Fecking energizer bunny today.


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## jiwawa

JanHank said:


> Get out of that one
> 
> 
> 
> Nearly forgot Jean.


Thanks Jan! I'm guessing a reversing camera will be his 1st purchase after that!


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## GMJ

Webby1 said:


> After all this is the thread on jokes trivia and other general nonsense.......................and talking of English teachers reminds me of another piece of nonsense. How can you use the same word 13 times consecutively
> 
> So a mother is asking why John got a lower mark than Peter in the English exam. The teacher explains that part of the exam was a quotation and that in that section John, where Peter had had "had had" had had *had had*.Had *had had* had had quotation marks I would have given him the mark


Without cheating and googling it...what about a sentence where the word 'and' is used 7 times consecutively?


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## Webby1

GMJ said:


> Without cheating and googling it...what about a sentence where the word 'and' is used 7 times consecutively?


Well to quote Jan "that's blinking ancient, I was 17 when I first heard and understood that one, 60 years ago."

But sadly I can't remember the sentence any more................even more sad............... I'm excited about the answer.


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## GMJ

It goes along the lines of...

A painting firm gets a contract to paint a new sign for a Builders by the name of Holland and Anderson.

After it is finished there is a complaint made about the spacing of the words as the gap is too big between the and and and and and and And!

or more visually....

The (Holl)and and & and & and And(erson).


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## Pudsey_Bear

Come again when you have less time :roll: :roll:


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## JanHank

*5 things to remember*

1 Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastards name
2 Money cannot buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Ferrari than on a bicycle
3 Help someone in trouble and they will remember you when they are in trouble again
4 Many people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them
5 Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


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## Pudsey_Bear

6, a friend in need is a pest.
7, walk a mile in someone's shoes before you judge, you'll be mile away and you'll have their shoes.


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## Webby1

And there's loads more.............

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning

18. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:

19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

21. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you send it by sea it is called cargo?


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## JanHank

11 & 18, my favorites


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## baldlygo

In the UK why isn't a dentist called a toothist?


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## Pudsey_Bear

baldlygo said:


> In the UK why isn't a dentist called a toothist?


Why isn't a teeth doctor called 'teethist' or 'toothist' but dentist?https://www.quora.com › Why-isnt-a-teeth-doctor-called-t...
It arises from the Latin word, Dens which means tooth. The name came into common use in the mid 1700's in France.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Universe Challenge (With Red Dwarf Night Introduction)


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## Pudsey_Bear

My ex and I were huge fans of Red Dwarf, we always sang the sig tune (sad bstds) Liz doesn't get it.


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## raynipper

Yes, Red Dwarf and Hitchhikers Guide. Love em.

Ray.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Never got on with HGTTG, nor Terry Pratchett's stuff, a very good friend of mine knew him really well (they shared a love of birds of prey) and I have access to all the books and have tried to get into them but it just doesn't gel, JK Rowlings stuff instantly got into those books, Tolkien never gelled either.


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## GMJ

I love Red Dwarf and Hitchhikers too. 

I had all 4 books in the Hitchhikers trilogy at one stage too!


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## Pudsey_Bear

I thought there were 6 books G.


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## GMJ

Yes but the joke that was written on the 4th book cover was "The 4th book in the trilogy"...hence my quoting it.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Too suttel 4 me.


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## GMJ

No it isn't you silly billy!


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## Pudsey_Bear

I know I was being kind to you.


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## GMJ

Kind to me?

You feelin' ill?


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## GMJ

If you die can I have your boots?


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## Pudsey_Bear

Yes and GFY


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## GMJ




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## Pudsey_Bear




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## Pudsey_Bear




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## Pudsey_Bear




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## Pudsey_Bear




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## dghr272

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.


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## KeithChesterfield

Choices ?


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## JanHank




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## dghr272




----------



## Webby1

dghr272 said:


> A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What’s your blood type?”
> “I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.


Oh so completely stupid,so pointless and so very funny...................and of course it mentions rabbits


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## JanHank

It’s quite an oldie, still made me laugh at 7 am so can’t be a bad thing to listen to at this early hour and start the day with a smile.


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## dghr272

Heart in mouth time……


__ https://twitter.com/i/web/status/1602974721192218624


----------



## JanHank

Clever what tricks can be played on people these days.


----------



## Pudsey_Bear

Best use of a green screen I've seen.

I'm surprised Barry hasn't done it to disguise his "studio"


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## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


> Best use of a green screen I've seen.
> 
> I'm surprised Barry hasn't done it to disguise his "studio"





Pudsey_Bear said:


> Best use of a green screen I've seen.
> 
> I'm surprised Barry hasn't done it to disguise his "studio"


It is not his studio he needs to disguise its the personnel in the foreground.


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## Pudsey_Bear

Hi Geoff, long time no see, hope you're fit n well.


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## nicholsong

Pudsey_Bear said:


> Hi Geoff, long time no see, hope you're fit n well.


I have been watching daily but not much to reply to except Jan on her passport thread.

We ar efine but will not be around for next 2 weeks - Gran Canaria for Christmas, temperature next week between 22C and 26C . Oh Dear! 😀


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## Pudsey_Bear

Enjoy it Geoff, you worked hard enough to afford it.


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## dghr272

Interesting tree felling technique to ensure no property damage.









#tongueandgroove #tongueandgroovehinge #treeservice #treefelling #trees #tree #mint #treeremoval #treeremovalexperts #lumberjack #treeworker #treecutting #arborist #arboristsofinstagram #treecare #housekeeping #HousekeepingServices #hemlock #likeaglove #stihl | Arseni Popov | Arseni Popov · မူရင်းအသံ


ကြည်ရှုမှု ၁.၄ကုဋေ ကြိမ်၊ နှစ်သက်မှု ၃သိန်း ခု၊ မှတ်ချက် ၈.၂ထောင် ခု၊ မျှဝေမှု ၅.၈သောင်း ကြိမ်၊ Arseni Popov ထံမှ Facebook Reels ဗီဒီယို: #tongueandgroove #tongueandgroovehinge #treeservice...




www.facebook.com





Terry


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## jiwawa

dghr272 said:


> Interesting tree felling technique to ensure no property damage.


Wow, very clever, cutting it like a lever so it won't bounce into the building!


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## dghr272

Robots that can dance…. no cgi involved.






Terry


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## Pudsey_Bear

Wonderful!!


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## raynipper

I do wonder about the authenticity though.

Ray.


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## dghr272

raynipper said:


> I do wonder about the authenticity though.
> 
> Ray.


Just for you Ray………






Terry


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## raynipper

Even more amazing Terry. I'm convinced thanks.

Ray.


----------

