# top four adult jokes of 2009



## DTPCHEMICALS (Jul 24, 2006)

Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009 
With no foul language




Fourth Place: 

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, 
his elbow goes into her breast. 
They are both quite startled. 

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, 
I know you'll forgive me.' 
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..' 

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Third Place : 

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. 

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' 

The husband, rejected, turns over. 

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' 

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Runner Up: 

Bill worked in a pickle factory. 
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day 
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. 
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. 
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. 

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 

'Yes, I did.' he replied. 

'My God, Bill, what happened?' 

'I got fired.' 

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 

'Oh...she got fired too.' 


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Winner: 

A couple had been married for 50 years. 

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..' 

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' 

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal 

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Dave p


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## geraldandannie (Jun 4, 2006)

Liked the runner up best :lol: 

Gerald


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## daddysgirl (May 31, 2008)

yup, I like the pickle slicer best!!


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## Tezmcd (Aug 3, 2009)

Loved third place.............sounds like something I would say LOL


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## Penquin (Oct 15, 2007)

Excellent, tyvm

Dave


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## TR5 (Jun 6, 2007)

A very elderly couple were sat side by side on the sofa, in front of the fire on a cold winter's night.

He turns to his wife and says, "do you know, we haven't had sexual relations here for a long time".

She replies, "no, and I don't think we even got a card from them this christmas!"


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## Dide (Aug 19, 2009)

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.




The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you cant tell me anything that will make me both 
happy and sad at the same time."


She immediately replied: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."


David


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## Dide (Aug 19, 2009)

:winkRING... DRING.... DRING...DRING


**'Hello?'**







**'Hi Darling.** 
**This is Daddy.** 
**Is Mummy near the phone?'**







**'No, Daddy.** 
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**







**After a brief pause,**







**Daddy says,** 
**'But Darling, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**







**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy,** 
**Right now.'**







Brief Pause. 



**'Oh, okay then, this is what I want you to do..** 
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs** 
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy** 
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** 



**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** 



**A few minutes later** 
**The little girl comes back to the phone.** 



**'I did it, Daddy.'** 


**'And what happened, Darling?' ** 


'Well, Mmmy got all Flustered, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**







**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

her nose is bleeding and her eyes are open staring 
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**







**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**







**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**







**He looked real scared and he jumped out of the back window** 
**And into the swimming pool.** 
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water** 
**Last week to clean it.**







**He hit the bottom of the pool and there's all blood coming from his mouth and ears and I think he's dead.'**







*****Long Pause*****








*****Longer Pause*****








*****Even Longer Pause*****







**Then Daddy says,**







**'Swimming pool? ............**







**Is this 01786 561895?'*





**No, I think you have the wrong number


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## THEPOET (May 1, 2007)

Brill.....that brightened an dull wet groundhog day (candlemas)
    

Pete


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## G2EWS (May 1, 2006)

Thanks for all of them.

Had a great laugh in the office.

Regards

Chris


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## Otto-de-froste (May 20, 2005)

And for the Old and Wrinklies amongst us

That's probably most of us

A black & white one...................

"Dr Finlay, Dr Finlay! I think I have hearrrrt burrrn"


"Och! No Janet........ye'hve got ye t't in the porridge again"


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