# Guess what arrived in the post today!



## pippin (Nov 15, 2007)

MOVIPREP ottytrain5:


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## GEMMY (Jun 19, 2006)

In anticipation of a 35mm camera with telephoto lens being shoved up :lol: 

tony


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

Sounds like something you do before watching a film.

I had Picolax.

A clear route to the loo is essential at all times.  

Pete


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

Well somebody has to show their ignorance, so here goes

Wotsit about?


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## GEMMY (Jun 19, 2006)

http://moviprep.salix.com/

tony :lol:


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

GEMMY said:


> http://moviprep.salix.com/
> 
> tony :lol:


Charming - I was just about to have my lunch!

Kindly leave the stage :roll:

EDIT OK it was my fault for asking.


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## HarleyDave (Jul 1, 2007)

Yeah - That Picolax takes no prisoners - but it does ensure a clear view up the channel.

Anybody else dispense with the sedative/anaesthetic/"calm down drops" to have a good look and ask questions?

Cheers

Dave


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

> *nicholsong wrote:-* Kindly leave the stage


If you've taken some, I would, and pronto. :roll: 

Pete


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## pippin (Nov 15, 2007)

To quote from the MOVIPREP "help" page:

"The process may not be the most glamorous activity"

Say that again - I suspect it will either be crappy or sh1tty, probably both. ottytrain4:

Heard the one about the colonoscopist?

" I looked up an old friend the other day." :lol:


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## HermanHymer (Dec 5, 2008)

HarleyDave said:


> Yeah - That Picolax takes no prisoners - but it does ensure a clear view up the channel.
> 
> Anybody else dispense with the sedative/anaesthetic/"calm down drops" to have a good look and ask questions?
> 
> ...


Short answer ... NO! Rather be very "out of it". Ask questions later. Visualise, no need to see the little pink tunnel in full Technicolor.

PS Make sure you have a loo set aside for your personal and exclusive use. Sure as God made little apples, someone will be in there when nature and the meds decide it is time to GGGGOOOOO! And it won't be just once. It's a sh*t thing to go through.


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## Zebedee (Oct 3, 2007)

If you haven't heard this before - enjoy!! :lol:






Dave


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## barryd (May 9, 2008)

> *HarleyDave wrote: *]Yeah - That Picolax takes no prisoners - but it does ensure a clear view up the channel.
> 
> Anybody else dispense with the sedative/anaesthetic/"calm down drops" to have a good look and ask questions?
> 
> ...


No! Your joking aren't you? Its brilliant. Like drinking half a bottle of Scotch in 20 seconds. I still watched what was going on but spent the entire procedure trying to chat up the doctor with the camera.


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## peejay (May 10, 2005)

I liked the sexy blue paper pants I had to wear. 

I think I had mine on the wrong way round as the hole was at the back. :? 

Pete


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## StephandJohn (Sep 3, 2007)

This forum gets weirder and weirder!!


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## Glandwr (Jun 12, 2006)

Enjoy!

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal: 

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly throughMinneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began mypreparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. 
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point..

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me..

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies... 
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc.. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all: 
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Well

He's completed the radiotherapy

You will be loose they said

No he is constipated and loose

Drunk the powders till they are coming out of his head

But unfortunately not out of his other end

Maybe he needs something else

Aldra


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## bigtree (Feb 3, 2007)

A walk in the park,try a flexible cystoscopy. 8O


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## GEMMY (Jun 19, 2006)

Only if a tiny todger :wink: 

tony


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## JohnandChristine (Mar 19, 2012)

HarleyDave said:


> Yeah - That Picolax takes no prisoners - but it does ensure a clear view up the channel.
> Anybody else dispense with the sedative/anaesthetic/"calm down drops" to have a good look and ask questions?
> Cheers
> Dave


ME !!
I once had both ends in the same afternoon, and thought it brave to opt for no help.
Phew,


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## pneumatician (May 1, 2005)

I was advised to ensure they had taken the handles off the camera.


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## pippin (Nov 15, 2007)

Today's the day!

And last night was the night!

And this morning is still this morning.

Actually it is all a bit of a blur.

Suffice to say that I am glad that I fitted the seat belt (lap and diagonal) to the loo otherwise I am sure I would have bashed my head on the ceiling.

I can now prove the Law of Newton "to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction".

Oh, and the little tri-fold leaflet that comes with the pack is a master of understatement and poor design.

On the last page KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER it adds almost as an afterthought:

"Stay near a toilet because you may need to use it urgently" (my underline)

Really?

So why did they not print it in ENORMOUS LETTERS all over the front page in fluorescent ink?

I think the MOVIPREP people must use a different clock system to mine.

Think GMT UTC ZULU, linked to the movement of the sun around the planet earth (or is it the other way round - must ask my friend Galileo).

Last time I checked there were 24 hours divided into 60 minutes further divided into 60 seconds.

Incidentally those seconds are critical to the whole process of another of Mr Newton's Laws when it comes to getting:

1] To the bathroom
2] Locking the door for modesty
3] Lifting the lid and/or lowering the seat
4] Divesting ones nether regions of whatever clothing remains for modesty
5] Forgetting all about modesty so there is no time for 2] & 4]
6] Sitting down despite the cranky knees and bad back

The formulae? from A Level Physics 50 odd (very odd!) years ago which I can weirdly still remember.

s=ut+½at² v²-u²=2as

Anyway, back to the time-scales of MOVIPREP Corp (Yup - it's from the US of A which explains a lot).

I quote: "bowel movements which will stop after 1 - 2 hours" 
Also: "You can go to bed when (IF) you stop going to the toilet - for example 10pm"
unquote and again my underlining.

What planet time-scale are they on?

It was midnightthirty 00:30 GMT/UTC/ZULU before I risked it.

Up at 06:00 this morning for session number two (hah! definitely Nr2's!).

And I am still on the "go" at 10:30!

Typing this out has been a long and interrupted process.

The other leaflet in the box is also a masterpiece of understatement.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS

"It is normal to get diarrhoea." Get away with you - I think we got that point right at the beginning.

"soreness of the anus" although my hospital booklet puts it a little more politely as "a sore bottom" (Welsh "eich pen ôl").

Yea - figured that one out in advance too.

Well, the rumblings seemed to have quietened down a bit so I think a few hours kip are in order.

Have to leave home by 13:30 and the hospital is an hours drive away - am I glad we have a MH, blessings upon Mr Thetford!


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

Just look ahead to that first 'normal' movement when you can amble to the toilet, gentle lock yourself into privacy and lower yourself comfortably onto the seat and open the newspaper in peace and quiet.

It will feel like you have arrived in Heaven.

Good Luck today and I hope there will be a stiff drink waiting for you at home.

Geoff


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## MEES (Apr 20, 2006)

Absolutely hilarious - sorry .....


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## pippin (Nov 15, 2007)

Well I don't feel so funny now - well I do but in a different sense.

They couldn't get the shuftiscope up very far because of a blockage caused by a large polyp.

I will have to have a CAT scan to determine if it has affected anything outside the colon.
That was code for the big C word and possible chemo.

Whatever the outcome of that I will definitely have to have abdominal surgery to remove a small section of the said colon.

And in the very near future.

"The concert of life does not come with a programme" - an old Dutch saying, so true.


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

Sorry to hear that news. It must be quite worrying.

I presume that since youare posting that you were allowed to go home.

keeping my fingers crossed that they can sort you out in the near future - have you got a date for the CAR scan?

Good luck with it all.

Best Wishes

Geoff


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## pippin (Nov 15, 2007)

Geoff thanks for your wishes. 
Yes I am at home.

And guess what arrived in the post this morning?

A bottle of Gastrografin®

What is that you may ask.

Well for the CAT scan on Tuesday morning my bowel will have to be empty again.

May the Good Lord spare me!

I feel a song coming on:

#Here we go again#!!


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

Well I am pleased they are not keeping you waiting long for the CAT scan - so much for the Press saying that NHS in Wales is on its knees.

Again Good Luck for the 'Preparation'(which I do not envy) and with the result of the scan.

Geoff


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## Spacerunner (Mar 18, 2006)

Dear Pippin, best wishes for your further treatment and thanks for the, maybe, unintentional entertainment.
My wife, a SRN theatre sister, read it through with a knowing chuckle.
I read it collapsed on the floor, most probably suffering major heart trauma. Howling with laughter and disturbing the nice Dutch couple next door.
When I die they'll find this thread engraved on my heart!


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## pneumatician (May 1, 2005)

In a similar vein, a Doctor speaking on the radio a few weeks ago used an example of how the western diet has screwed us up. According to him the native African will disappear into the bush and present a perfect 18" stool walking away contented. Where as us western diet victims issue forth very loose stools and very often just mush.

I assume there may be a slight error in his figures but can concur with his observations regarding the effects of our diet having now performed the postal stick test on several occasions.


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## pippin (Nov 15, 2007)

A general thanks to all for your concern.

I can now confirm that Gastrografin® is every bit as effective as Moviprep®, if not more so!

However Bayer AG who make Gastrowhatnot are a German firm and thus are on the same planet time-scale as us in UK.

Not even the hour difference is significant.

It is on occasions like this that I wish I were indeed an African Bushman.

As for an 18" **** - well I have been producing 18 metre long ones as measured through the eye of a needle.

I think camels are mentioned somewhere in connection with said eyes of needles 
- which makes me feel even worse and has given me the hump!rotest:

Anyway I can still confirm the pertinence of Newton's Laws: :smilebox:ottytrain5:

Watch this space.


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## nicholsong (May 26, 2009)

pippin said:


> Anyway I can still confirm the pertinence of Newton's Laws: :smilebox:ottytrain5:
> 
> Watch this space.


I would rather not:surprise:

But good luck Pippin.

Geoff


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## aldra (Jul 2, 2009)

Listen 

The world is full of people who are constipated,

Jealous of your posts
Now get a life 

And enjoy your new found freedom 

Aldra


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## Jamsieboy (Jan 14, 2011)

Pippin

Wishing you all the best for the scan and any follow up surgery / treatment.
Coming from a family with a history of such problems I get the questionable pleasure of a colonoscopy every few years. To date small polyps have been removed on each occasion but I reckon this has prevented one growing large and becoming "problematic"

Best wishes and keep us posted on the scan etc.

Cheers


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## pippin (Nov 15, 2007)

The results of the CT scan are not expected before the end of next week - so fingers crossed.

I have moaned endlessly (above posts) about endlessly having to "go" after the two separate administrations of Flu****®.

I just wish that things would restart again - I ain't "been" since Tuesday morning!


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## pippin (Nov 15, 2007)

Correction:

I am not certain whether it is *Flu****®* or* Flush-****®*. Boom-Boom!


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