# Only true Scots will get these..... :)



## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet. '

2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...?
Oor Wullie.

4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of 
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be 
wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.

8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

9. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a 
telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that 
there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant, 'Look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen 
sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue 
for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

19. Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.

20. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

21. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives 
make a negative -
'Aye right.'

22. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .
When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

I put this up nearly three years ago and came across it today. I cried with laughter again, so am hereby bumping it unashamedly. 

Dougie.


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## jimmyd0g (Oct 22, 2009)

Please keep up at the back :roll:. carolgavin put this identical list on here at 12.22 p.m. today.


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## carolgavin (May 9, 2005)

oooooh Dougie I posted this earlier under the heading 2011 Cultural census I got it via email from a friend today and had never seen it afore :lol: :lol: 
Just goes to show you should always search first afore posting, want me to get a Mod to join mine up with yoursies??????????


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

carolgavin said:


> oooooh Dougie I posted this earlier under the heading 2011 Cultural census I got it via email from a friend today and had never seen it afore :lol: :lol:


That is SO crazy!!! I was reading through all my old posts (Sad, but true), saw this one, didn't remember it, and laughed my way through it. And on the SAME DAY as you put it up!

I'd just leave 'em both - who cares.

Nuts!

Dougie.


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## carolgavin (May 9, 2005)

asprn said:


> carolgavin said:
> 
> 
> > oooooh Dougie I posted this earlier under the heading 2011 Cultural census I got it via email from a friend today and had never seen it afore :lol: :lol:
> ...


Spooooooooooooooooooooooooooky lol lol. Have asked for mine to be joined with yours though cos I need yerr help on mine. :lol: :lol:


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

carolgavin said:


> Spooooooooooooooooooooooooooky lol lol. Have asked for mine to be joined with yours though cos I need yerr help on mine. :lol: :lol:


Go ferret. 

Dougie.


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## bigbazza (Mar 6, 2008)

What the heck are you saying to each other, and what language are the jokes written in? :?


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## asprn (Feb 10, 2006)

bigbazza said:


> what language are the jokes written in? :?


Jockese. 

Dougie.


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## carolgavin (May 9, 2005)

asprn said:


> bigbazza said:
> 
> 
> > what language are the jokes written in? :?
> ...


Aye :lol: :lol:

Translation for the hard of Scottish available on request :lol:


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## waz (Jan 5, 2008)

Dougie yea missed the punch line from the last jock sorry joke

Waz


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## dandywarhol (Nov 14, 2010)

Do you watch Limmy's Show?


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